Should I contact my adopted child, now a teenager, whose birth father died recently?

June 11, 2008 1:38 PM

Should I contact my adopted child, now a teenager, whose birth father died recently?

I had a baby when I was 19. His birth father was the same age as me. Our baby son was adopted by one of his father's older cousins and her husband. I haven't seen the baby, who is now 16, since he was two days old.

I've always thought that if he and/or his adoptive family wanted to contact me--they know my name, age and some other identifying details--they would and that I should leave them alone if not. Since I had another child about a year ago, though, I've wondered more about what the first one is like and whether he's curious about me or his birth-grandparents (what a strange word!) and other relatives. So I was thinking about writing to him...

...and then about a week ago, his birth father committed suicide.

I hadn't seen him (the birth father) in more than a decade. I know he'd been depressed and violently angry at times even as a kid, but had hoped he was happier as an adult. He met our son at least once, when the son was about five years old; since the adoptive parents are part of his family, there may have been more contact, or not. The obituary listed our son along with other surviving relatives, which you'd think either the adoptive parents or our son himself would've had to approve...?

Guilt may be one reason I want to get in touch. I know that's probably not a good reason. My relationship with the birth father ended badly, but maybe I should have tried to reconnect with him.

Should I write to our son and his adoptive family at all? If so, would the best approach be to keep the letter very short and factual and let them write back if they're interested in talking more? Since they've just lost the birth father, would I be giving them too much to deal with? I'm particularly interested in opinions from people who were adopted themselves, or have some kind of other personal experience with this kind of situation. (I have read this thread and found it helpful, but other references would be welcome.)

Thanks very much.

posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

Look, you gave up your son a decade and a half ago. You gave him a life you thought you couldn't offer. It is now not your decision if he decides to come back into yours. If he seeks you out, tell him the information then. But right now it seems you're introducing the dual upheaval of meeting him AND telling him his dad's dead because you want to reconnect with some part of your dead ex. That's pretty selfish. Emotionally, the kid won't be able to support you--you're just going to be spreading the pain around.

If you do this, it won't be for anyone but yourself.
posted by schroedinger at 1:54 PM on June 11, 2008

Probobly not. If you ever decide to get in touch with your son you need to be very clear about why you are doing it and why you are doing it then. I think you should wait until he is an adult and you have been through some therapy with someone with experience in all sides of the triad (birth parent - adoptive parent - adopted kid).

My wife is adopted and we have been through lots of stuff with this. I would look at The Other Mother and The Journey of the Adopted Self for starters.

You may be at the beginning of a long journey yourself - I feel for you. Good luck.
posted by shothotbot at 2:00 PM on June 11, 2008

The family knows about the suicide, right? Unless the birth father's direct family (his parents, siblings, etc) does not know that he is dead, you should leave it be.

This sort of sounds like you're looking for an excuse to come back into his life. Like schroedinger said, choosing to contact them about the birth father's death won't be for anyone but yourself. The boy should find out about his birth father's death from his parents - the couple that has raised him, who can also answer any questions he might have. IMO, 16 isn't the right age to have a stranger who is your biological parent reassert herself in your life. If you really want to connect with him, wait until he is in his 20's and contact him via a respectful letter to his parents.

As you said, the family knows who you are and (presumably) can contact you, if they wanted to or if the boy wanted to meet you. I'd suggest you concentrate on building a life with your one year-old and have no expectations about a relationship with the other boy.
posted by stewiethegreat at 2:04 PM on June 11, 2008

16 is still a minor. If you really need to make the father's death known, it might be best to tell the adoptive parents rather than contacting the child directly. Let them weigh if they want to tell him about his father, and by extension allow some kind of contact with you.

If you don't want to contact the parents, wait until he is at least 18, or maybe even 21, before dealing with him directly. Don't expect open arms, but don't expect to be shunned either. Don't expect anything. I hope it goes well however you proceed.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:06 PM on June 11, 2008 [3 favorites]

As someone who was adopted, I'd have to say that if my biological father killed himself when I was sixteen, I would rather have not been told.

If you really feel that it needs to be put out there, telling his adoptive parents would probably be the best way to go, as they probably have a handle on his general emotional state and might have some idea how he'd react to the information.
posted by drezdn at 2:21 PM on June 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

I too am adopted, and honestly that would do absolutely no good at all for me to hear that he died. At 24, I don't think I could handle/be forced to handle that situation NOW, let alone when I was 16.
posted by CAnneDC at 2:25 PM on June 11, 2008

The child and his adoptive parents likely already know that their relative died, and I don't think anyone but his adoptive parents would know if it was best (and if so, when) to drop this bomb, if they hadn't told him already. This is probably a terribly difficult time for them as well.

It's not your call. As you had reasonably decided before, they can look for you if they choose to. This doesn't change that.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:29 PM on June 11, 2008

Adopted here. I vote for you to avoid contact.
posted by rlef98 at 2:40 PM on June 11, 2008

You could write letters to him that you save but never send. Then if you meet him in his 20s, you can say, look, I've been thinking about you for the last 10 yrs and here are the letters.
posted by selfmedicating at 3:02 PM on June 11, 2008 [7 favorites]

Don't be selfish. If the child wants to find out, he will find out for himself. It won't be this week, but later on.

Don't be selfish.

Good luck.
posted by hal_c_on at 3:09 PM on June 11, 2008

Well, here's a different take on it: My father never met his birth father and it bothered him a lot from the age of say 25 to 55. He felt like, "What is wrong with me that my father didn't love me enough to keep me? Why didn't he want me?" and this over and over. Then, this year, he finally tracked down his birth father only to learn that his biological father died in 2005. Everyone is different, but some children DO want to know what happens to their biological parents.
posted by mattbucher at 3:14 PM on June 11, 2008

I don't think the OP is considering telling her son about his father; I think she was considering, even before the incident, re-connecting with her son's family, in a sensitive way, and is now even more conflicted about that.

Pro: she could die tomorrow, and at least the son would have talked to her. Con: the son is bound to ask about his father (short solution: don't discuss it). Pro: he may be wondering about her; Con: what if he doesn't even know he's adopted.

It's a tough call.
posted by amtho at 3:38 PM on June 11, 2008

No way. While I was an abandoned baby and thus went to seek for my father, having control over meeting him was important for my comfort levels, because one often has such a mixture of rage, hope and fantasy about lost parents. Thus, dropping another emotional bomb would be a cruelty.
posted by Phalene at 3:53 PM on June 11, 2008

I'm adopted, and 34.

If my birth mother had contacted me with that kind of news when I was 16 I would have felt angry. Telling him will achieve nothing. He cannot meet his birth father so it doesn't matter if you tell him now or ten years from now. If the birth father was in his last days dying of cancer that would be be a different question.

There is a difference between a birth father who is absent because of adoption and a present birth father. The absent father is abstract. I have a lot of questions about my birth parents but they exist as entities who are significant yet unknown. The people in the family that I grew up with and interacted with on a daily basis for decades have a huge, multidimensional existence in my mind and my emotions that my birth parents do not have. Many non-adoptees think that parents are parents and that the emotional structures that most people have for their parents are the emotional structures that adoptive children have for their birth parents. But the images and emotions that an adoptive child develops are not guided by an actual presence of the birth parents or by examples seen in friends' families. They could be anything. If you contact him you are asking him to grieve with you for a person he never met.

You and the father put your son up for adoption. Why? Maybe to shield him from the difficulties of being bought up by parents who were not prepared to make decisions that were in the best interest of the child. A father's suicide falls in that category.
posted by bdc34 at 4:05 PM on June 11, 2008

It sounds like an unusual adoption situation, especially given that the birth father did have some contact.

Do his parents know that you'd be willing to be in contact with him if he expressed an interest and they consented?

If not, I think informing them (and only them) that you are--but only if he initiates the idea himself, not asking them to--is the biggest move you can make. It has to come from him. But maybe his folks don't know you'd be OK with it.
posted by lampoil at 4:29 PM on June 11, 2008

As another adopted student, I would like to agree with the above posters about no contact. I haven't meant my biological parents, but I only finally, think that at age 27 I would be able to handle meeting them. Age 16, wouldn't have been it.

I also think that so soon after the birth father's death would be very awkward and might lead to hurt feelings of the, if you had only contacted me a year ago, a month ago, etc.

I do like selfmedicating's idea though. You can always decide later whether to give him the letters.
posted by aetg at 4:54 PM on June 11, 2008

If it was me, I'd contact the adoptive parents and see what they say. Do they know about the death? How did they handle it? And tell them that if the kid is asking questions, you would be open to a meeting.

I just had a long conversation with a friend regarding this article. It solves nothing, but it was a thought-provoker.
posted by gjc at 4:56 PM on June 11, 2008

I've always thought that if he and/or his adoptive family wanted to contact me--they know my name, age and some other identifying details--they would and that I should leave them alone if not

Trust this instinct. It is the correct one.

Should I write to our son and his adoptive family at all?

Do not initiate contact with the adopted child under any circumstances -- forever. In this particular circumstance, given that this child's parents are related to the recent suicide victim, they are obviously aware of his demise... and it is up to them to decide if that is something that their sixteen year old should be aware of, and in what sense (whether as "your Dad's somewhat troubled cousin that you haven't seen in a decade" or "Part of your biological makeup" or what)

But, in a broader sense, despite the fact that he initially grew inside of you, this is not your child. You did an absolutely wonderful thing by allowing him to be raised by a family that could give him a better life than you could... but an enormous part of that is that this child's parents are raising him as their own, because he is. Do not fuck that up, especially at an inherently identity-fragile age like 16.

(Me: Adopted at birth. My parents may know more about the other parties involved, but I've made it known that they should keep that to themselves. My parents are my parents, though my mother has never been pregnant. There's nothing else I need to know. I'm now in my mid-30s, and if I were contacted by my "birth-mother" or anyone else on that side of the confidentiality agreement, I'd be livid.)
posted by toxic at 5:43 PM on June 11, 2008

I'm 38 and was adopted shortly after birth. I've searched unsuccessfully, on and off, for my birth family for years.

I vote a combo of Burhanistan's and selfmedicating's advice: Write a letter to the parents, but expect nothing in return. Just a "This happened, as you probably know. Just feel like checking in with you at this sad time in our shared family history. I will not contact your son about this or anything else until he's an adult."

And also write letters to your biological child but don't send them. Keep them on hand and revisit the subject when he's 25 or maybe even 30. People take longer to become adults these days (I'm one example), and 25 now is like the 18 of 1969, job-wise and maturity-wise. Ok, maybe 1969's 18 is really more like today's 28 or 29.

Your child may not ever be ready or willing to talk to you or acknowledge you. But ONE form of contact, to put the ball in his court, is not illegal, unethical, or in any other way "wrong" any more than ONE unsolicited contact between two adult strangers is "wrong." If after that first contact, he wants nothing to do with you, then you must comply with his wishes. That's why you must choose the time of first contact very, very carefully.

My condolences to you in this doubly sad time.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 6:00 PM on June 11, 2008 [3 favorites]

I would say leave it alone until your son is older and out of the house. I am a birthmother who contacted my son's parents, and then my son when he was 16, and it turned out badly. I did not have a special reason like the death of the birthfather (still alive and well as far as I know) but got carried away with "what if he needs to know"? I was in a birthmother group at the time and we all had teenaged kids and were making contact to them and their parents with widely varied results. I pretty much convinced myself that what I wanted was what he wanted/needed, but I was wrong and deeply regret my actions.

In general, this is not a good idea. My son was not ready, not interested, and it caused problems for him and repercussions in his adoptive family. It took 20 years for my son to come around at all, and we now have a very cautious email relationship. He is 40, and I think my impulsive and selfish act cost me many years of knowing him.

I agree with what the above poster said, you are better to leave it his choice and wait for him to contact you, or if you must make the first move, wait until he is older. I know how hard this is, but I wish I had waited and not caused my son more pain. Actions have consequences, some last a lifetime. I sympathize with your pain, but urge you to wait.

Hexatron's Wife
posted by hexatron at 6:30 PM on June 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

A couple of thoughts here:

- Its fairly common for women who have previously given a child up for adoption or who are otherwise out of touch with a family member (like a parent) to have the urge to try to "make contact" after the birth of a child. Dunno why, but it happened to me and then I talked with many others it also happened to.

- I think part of what is happening here might be that you might be feeling a tiny bit of unacknowledged jealousy that this child's father was able to watch him grow up (even if only from arms length) whereas you have not had that opportunity. You might even feel as though the father "squandered" his chance to see his son grow into a man by committing suicide. In addition, at a time like this, its possible that you're revisiting the feelings of mourning that you went through at the time you gave up the baby. Be open to all those emotions, its the only way to work through them.

As a child who grew up in a slightly different situation (absent father), I would strongly suggest that you listen to everyone above (especially the adopted children) who say "don't contact". However, if you feel that you must do something, I don't think a short letter to the parents would be out of line. Offer your contact info, stress that you will not attempt in any way to contact the child, but say something like "I wanted to make sure you had my current contact information in case your son ever wanted to contact me, or you needed to contact me to get medical history or other information." Then (as hard as it is to do) leave it alone. Lavish extra love on your new baby.

You did a brave thing by letting go of your first child. You did the best possible thing for him. Be proud of that.
posted by anastasiav at 5:24 AM on June 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

From the original poster:

Original poster here...Thanks so much to everyone for your advice! This is the kind of situation where I find it almost impossible to be rational and I really appreciate your perspectives. (And I don't think I will contact the adoptive parents right now, but I think I do have a way to sort of make myself available if anyone from their family wants to contact me.)

posted by mathowie at 7:46 AM on June 12, 2008

Dear OP
I'm too aware of your feelings, because I follow a mailing list for adoptees that are searching their birth families, and birth mothers participate as well. I'm an adoptee.

To my own surprise, I agree with those saying don't make contact. You can't risk turning a 16 year old's life upside down. It could happen like that, or not, but the risk isn't yours to take. Being 16 is plenty difficult enough, without added complications.

I hope for your sake, as well as his, that you do get to reunite at some point, and it goes well for the both of you. You have some comfort in the knowledge you do have about him.
posted by Goofyy at 3:22 AM on June 13, 2008