I'm scheduled to have a medical (pill) abortion in a situation involving my optimistic, scientifically brilliant, clueless ex-boyfriend. For some irrational reason, he's the only person I want with me while I go through with it.
posted by anonymous to human relations (34 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
We dated last year, for three months when I was still very new to the city, and we were pretty darn happy. He was kind, attentive, respectful, and engaging. Then he had drunk sex with an ex-girlfriend who'd been pursuing him for a while. I was, of course, crushed, but I had just moved to a new place and he was my only contact. He persuaded me to take him back, and I finally relented, and then he broke up with me again a month later citing a heavy work load and little free time. A few weeks later he changed his mind again, but I told him to get off my doorstep, throw away the bouquet of flowers, and quit sending me apology letters. He persisted trying to get me back for months, but things eventually died down between us. He began dating another girl but always made it clear that if were I ever willing to try again, he'd be open, which repelled me more.
Recently we started going out to dinner and resumed the compelling dynamic we had before the cheating period, and wound up having (totally safe) sex several times. This was during a sad, lonely time in my life in which I had realized that after an entire year I still wasn't over our break-up, and I'm not proud of my egregious hypocrisy of sleeping with the same man who did this to me while he's dating another poor girl. He's in an "open-ish, don't-ask don't-tell" relationship with a girl of whom he speaks with a mixture of admiration ("she's so loyal") and indifference. I get the impression that without the policy, she'd be doing much of the asking, and he'd do the telling. He has admitted that he has always loved me, that he is biding his time with his current girlfriend as a gesture of respect to her for sticking with him as he got over me. When I discovered I was pregnant, he immediately came over and we discussed the steps we needed to take to end the pregnancy.
He is a bizarrely optimistic, scientific creature, and told me point-blank that he didn't necessarily see the abortion as a terrible thing, that it felt like an evolution of our relationship. He told me upon entering my apartment that he needed to be gone in an hour to "keep up appearances." He seems chastised, repentant, but also utterly removed. He hedged when I told him I need something more out of him, not a relationship--neither of us is ready for a real relationship after what we went through--but a gray area between fuck buddies and the relationship he seemed to be offering me this past year, to get me through this period.
While I have wonderful friends kindly offering their support, my ex-boyfriend is the only person I want with me when I take the pills (which I hear is moderate-to-severely painful for several hours), because this is his doing as well. I'm unsure if I should demand that he take care of me, demand that he be there for me more readily, or if I need to kick him out of my life for good. Part of me wants him to see the ramifications of cheating, of sacrificing other people's well-being for his own. Is wielding my abortion as a Life Lesson manipulative or justified? I honestly think I'd feel better if he could feel, or witness, a little of what I'm going through, but maybe this is a lost cause.
We're both 25 and live in New York, if that's somehow important.