How to Give Comfort

June 3, 2008 4:57 PM

Has anyone ever had to comfort a person who's been responsible for an accident that caused someone's death? What can one say or do that helps?

I'm asking for a friend who already used up her askme question this week. Her father ran into some people with his truck on a gravel road. No alcohol was involved. Any suggestions will be most appreciated.

posted by Hildegarde to human relations (24 comments total)

Just in case you didn't see this, there is some advice as part of the answers to this question from a while ago.
posted by jessamyn at 5:00 PM on June 3

Yeah, I read that. He doesn't need me to find him a lawyer and I don't need anyone to tell me that my father is a menace to society and should be removed from the road. He's a good person who was involved in a shitty situation in the middle of a chaotic environment and he's currently of the belief that he no longer wants to continue living based on what has just happened. I live 600 miles away and just want to know what i can do/say from here that might be of some good. I don't need to hear everyone's stories about being on the victim's side of this ordeal and how they wish nightmares upon the driver for eternity. thank you.
posted by makonan at 5:09 PM on June 3 [1 favorite]

Sorry, I think I intended to link to this post which is a little more on the sympathetic side.
posted by jessamyn at 5:14 PM on June 3

Also, there might be some useful advice in this thread (though quite a bit of it involves the issue of alcohol, which I understand is not a factor here, and some of the responses are of the "by god, he SHOULD feel awful" variety, which is of course not helpful). Also, there are some people in that thread who lived through similar experiences (or know people who did) who might not object to being contacted one-on-one.

Makonan, my heart goes out to your dad.
posted by scody at 5:17 PM on June 3

Actually, something very similar just happened to one of my employees - they accidently struck, and killed, a person who jumped onto the highway while they were having a psychotic break. I think the best thing that I said to the person involved was, "I'm sorry that you have to go through this, my thoughts are with you, and your family." I then suggested she call the Employee Assistance Program, because even though she was "okay" the day after, I wanted to her to have a basic counseling session to work through everything, which turned out to be exactly what she needed when reality hit a few days later and she was extremely distraught.

I also bought the person a fruit bouquet. Not sure how much that helped, but I know she was having trouble eating, so something tasty and colorful and helped seemed to be appreciated.
posted by banannafish at 5:24 PM on June 3

This is terrible beyond words really. One of my brothers was involved in an accident that resulted in the death of a man on 24 May of this year. There is really not much to say except to continue pointing out that it was an accident and not their fault. Perhaps the main thing is to make sure they know you love and support them. My brother went to the funeral of the man, and that was not easy (for anyone), but I think that provided some benefit (for both families).
As for those who might say he's not equally a victim, well, they are just internet strangers who haven't been put to the test.
It would be cool is you could visit your dad, or call when you can. Of course he may not want to even talk. My brother didn't eat for nearly a week. He had to be hospitalized and is still quite ill. Yardwork, friends and family, and the funeral helped him that first week. At some point everyone is, sadly, on their own.
I guess the other thing to point out that the loss of his (yr fathers) life won't have any impact on the ones already dead.
This is much easier if you are a Calvinist I would guess. If you want to mail me that's fine, though there is not mush else to say except, I'm sorry. I wish him peace and you wisdom.
posted by dawson at 5:29 PM on June 3

Makonan, I know you said you live 600 miles away but is there any possibility of you visiting him? The reason I ask is that often people who have been in such traumatic incidents really just need someone present to listen & grieve with them. It is a cliché but a shoulder to lean/cry on cannot be overvalued. Why? Because there's not much you can say that will help, really. What many folks who have been through such want is for what happened to have never happened, to be able to go back, reverse the clock, & somehow change what took place.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry for what happened. I wish you & him everything you need to get through this.
posted by jammy at 5:31 PM on June 3

My brother in law accidentally hit and killed an elderly woman who stepped in front of his car a few years ago. A lot of really sad things happened afterward (people called his house and left terrible messages on the answering machine, for instance), and he was inconsolable. My heart goes out to your father and your family. I agree that it would be really good if you could visit your dad. What helped my brother in law the most was having his family around him a lot, reminding him that it was an accident, that it wasn't his fault, and just generally being there for him whenever he needed to talk. Your dad might need to be taken care of for a little while, given things to do that will take his mind off of what happened for a short time, things like that.

What it's really going to take is time, but a lot of love is essential, too.
posted by mewithoutyou at 6:17 PM on June 3

Sorry, the above should have been addressed to makonan (in case it wasn't obvious).
posted by mewithoutyou at 6:32 PM on June 3

something similar happened to someone close to me. the other person didn't die, but it was close for a while. it was terrible.

is there any way you can visit? i'm sure that will help a lot. a counselor will be really helpful to him, if you can convince him to see one. is there someone local (to him) that can help you do the legwork for finding one and getting him there? or maybe you can take him on a visit to see him.

does he belong to a religious congregation? enlisting the pastor/rabbi/imam/priest would be a good idea. rallying the neighbors and his friends and co-workers will help, too.

my heart goes out to you and your dad, too. chance can be very unkind sometimes. i hope he gets the support he needs.
posted by thinkingwoman at 6:33 PM on June 3

This sort of thing also happens in medicine; more than once I have seen mistakes in the OR that resulted in a patient dying on the table. It is tough to deal with but time will help immensely. Talking with the survivors of the dead person beyond a straightforward "I'm sorry" may or may not be helpful depending on their frame of mind; also it may cause problems down the road if legal action is anticipated. I am not saying not to talk to them, but whether or not it is a good idea depends on a lot of details that we don't have here.

One important thing is to own up to the responsibility, such as it may be. Trying to shift the blame to others, or the weather, or whatever may temporarily ease his psychic suffering, but in the long run it will only add another layer of guilt for the deception (I am assuming based on the question that he was the person most responsible for the death; once again based on details we don't know his responsibility may be minimal). That does not mean to admit anything in a court of law, but at least to himself and any trusted family members/confidants/counselor let any feelings of responsibility out. I know that you don't want legal advice and I am certainly not qualified to give it, but the reality is that in these situations the legal, moral, and psychological issues are intertwined.

This situation is a set-up for PTSD; in addition to all the other things you can do, seriously consider setting him up with/urging him to see a counselor with expertise in that area. The fact that he feels he cannot live with the guilt makes this a real priority in my opinion.
posted by TedW at 7:16 PM on June 3

To add a little to my last answer, it seems like it would certainly be appropriate to find a workaround for the one-week limit in AskMe if you want recommendations for a counselor in the appropriate city. The sooner your father gets some good mental health support the better.
posted by TedW at 7:21 PM on June 3

There isn't any simple way to assuage self-directed guilt. Dad knows the real truth, and for a long time, he's going to try to deal with this with all the techniques our 'souls' have to reconcile what happens to us with what we would prefer to happen.

It may never be successful, but it's just an extreme form of the same type of regret that we have over anything that results in hurt to someone else. "What if I had...", " I should have...", "If only....". Humans generally don't want to hurt each other. We all want to be good and feel good about who we are and what we've done. He's had a big blow dealt to that image, and the evidence is overwhelming. I can imagine his agony (and I've seen it before.)

Time helps, but guilt is slow to fade. He'll be tempted to condemn himself, not allow himself to be happy, punish himself. Worse, people with NO knowledge of the events or partial knowledge will fill in the blanks unfairly and incorrectly, and be the agents of setback years down the road. Ignorance is not kind, but it is abundant.

I know it's pablum, but he needs really effective counseling and a lot of support for this. Accidents happen every day because good people are in the wrong place at the wrong time. Physics has no morals, and many, many, many people died today at the hands of strangers with no personal animosity towards them.

Remember, Dad knows what went down. He needs help coming to terms with it. He needs to know that his life can go forward and he can still be an agent of good works, and that his loved ones will stand by as he analyzes this event and figures out how to extract good from it, either for his own personal development or as compensation for the damage he inadvertently caused. Even if he could have prevented it, Time's arrow points one way... there is no going back.

There but for fickle fortune might we all find ourselves. This is a time that those 600 miles should be reduced to zero. This is that time when physical presence is essential. He needs to know someone is with him, beside him, behind him, on his side. That would be my major advice, other than not condemning, but listening, advocating, finding him a counselor, being THERE.

Good luck.
posted by FauxScot at 7:34 PM on June 3 [1 favorite]

At some point, your friend might want to talk to her father about how he can make these deaths mean something. Maybe something that could prevent other accidents in the future? Maybe a volunteer activity that demostrates respect for sacredness of every life (helping the needy or the sick). Something that will let him feel that while those lives can not be replaced, at least some small good thing came out of the accident and that somehow the experience helped him become a better or wiser person.
posted by metahawk at 7:35 PM on June 3 [1 favorite]

One more thing...

A casual chat with a grief counselor at a dinner party recently yielded a compact truth:

"... enormous damage is preserved when we define ourselves by our tragedies".

He must not let himself label himself as "That guy who killed someone". It's caustic beyond belief, and a sure path to lifelong unhappiness.
posted by FauxScot at 7:38 PM on June 3 [7 favorites]

Did anyone link to this thread yet?

I am very sorry for your friend's father, and all of the people affected. My few thoughts:

Destroying another life (here, the life of your friend's father) is just destroying another life, it's not making things right;

This happens. More than we care to recognize. People go on, because they must.

Silence and lack of (self) forgiveness is toxic. In my family, two generations back, a father accidentally killed his daughter in an accident with a farm vehicle. No one spoke of it, for years, no one forgave, more lives were harmed.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 7:54 PM on June 3

I don't know if this will help, so I will keep it short. A couple times in my life a medical condition has prevented me from driving for a few months. Being the pedestrian at daytime and nightime, in good weather and bad and being left off by buses at some busy intersections, one begins to understand that cars do have blind spots and unlike cars people do not usually have lights and reflectors. Also, I was once chased by a dog and almost ran into traffic before my brain kicked in. Modern life is full of "always" and "never" expectations by society but flesh and blood humans have trouble living up to them.

My deepest condolences to all involved!
posted by forthright at 8:22 PM on June 3

I just want to nth the "Get him a counselor" thing. There seems to be some sort of stigma attached, as if it means that your dad were crazy or unstable or something. But he's going through something incredibly trying right now, and I think it would be very, very helpful if he could talk to someone experienced in helping people through these things. When you broach the subject, be sure to reinforce that it's not because he's crazy/bad/guilty/etc., but because you think it's worth pulling out all the stops and ensuring he has someone qualified to help him through this. Frankly, I'd probably have said the same thing if I were in his shoes, but the comment about how he feels like he doesn't deserve to live concerns me. (As always, I have one sentence written by a stranger on the Internet to go on, so apologies if I'm way off base.)

it seems like it would certainly be appropriate to find a workaround for the one-week limit in AskMe if you want recommendations for a counselor in the appropriate city.

I've still got mine, at least for a few days I'd imagine.
posted by fogster at 8:46 PM on June 3

I just want to thank all of you. I just got off the phone with him and while he's obviously devastated and heartbroken about the whole thing, he's also being rational (which makes me feel less panicked). He has an appointment to meet with a therapist tomorrow. Everyone, from the police to the insurance company to the hospital staff have all been very gentle and kind with him, which has helped him immensely. He'll be coming to spend a couple weeks with me next week, and has enough of a support group in our hometown that he feels okay with waiting to see me until then.

Reading what you all had to say helped me a ton as far as finding the right words to say. I can't mark anything as a best answer, but know that you all helped me help my dad during this awful time in his life.
posted by makonan at 8:58 PM on June 3

Visit. And call everyone friend and family member you know that lives near him and urge them to visit him. Often. He should be visited and consoled and cared for just like anyone who is grieving the loss of life.
posted by allthingsbright at 9:02 PM on June 3

Yes, drop everything and go see your father.
posted by LarryC at 9:49 PM on June 3

Everyone, from the police to the insurance company to the hospital staff have all been very gentle and kind with him, which has helped him immensely.

The same with my brother! I suppose some are more accustomed to this tragedy than most of us ("Of course it will never happen to me") and can anticipate response.

The only other thing I'd like to point out is that if you can't visit your dad, no problem. I think everyone (me included) is suggesting that as it seems like we would do when there are no words. My mom, even though she longed to, decided it was actually best to *not* visit at this time. So if you simply can't make it, don't guilt trip out. It may even be best to delay a bit. You can only do what you can do. And for the most part that's being you, being real and being available to talk and listen.
Best to all involved in this tragedy.
posted by dawson at 11:45 PM on June 3

Everyone, from the police to the insurance company to the hospital staff have all been very gentle and kind with him, which has helped him immensely.

I'm so glad to hear this. If you think it might give him a little comfort, please let him know that there are strangers out here who will be keeping him in their hearts.
posted by scody at 12:17 AM on June 4

If he's religious in any way, have him talk to a priest/pastor. I think the religious tack would be that if God wanted him to pay for this accident by dying, He would have taken him at the time. Failing that, all he can do is live a good life and wait for divine judgment when the time comes. And that, as my religious understanding goes, intent means a lot- he didn't mean to kill that person.

Besides the religious angle, just remind him that he is wanted in this world and that you are there to support him.
posted by gjc at 4:29 AM on June 4