OK, that's fantastic. Not.

June 2, 2008 6:37 AM

What are the benefits of camouflaging or down-playing disappointment?

I find it difficult to conceal my own disappointment at times; I also find it virtuous that others seem capable of such artifice. Does concealing disappointment benefit society in any way or could it be construed as being, somehow, dishonest?

posted by strawberryviagra to human relations (14 comments total)

It makes it easier for people to let you off the hook the next time you disappoint them.
posted by jon_kill at 6:39 AM on June 2, 2008

I always feel that handling dissapointments on my own, without outwardly expressing how truly dissapointed I am, helps me have a faster recovery. I feel that if you act dissapointed and let other people know how you truly feel, it takes longer for one to truly realize that one has to move on to whatever is next. Having people know how I feel also for some reason delay the process of me moving on from that specific task.
posted by The1andonly at 6:53 AM on June 2, 2008

I would say that there's a difference between expressing disappointment about events or circumstances, and expressing disappointment in an person's qualities or behaviour. If the first case you are merely expressing a mood; in the second you are being openly critical.

As to benefits to society as a whole, that's a pretty general question. Certainly it will colour the perceptions of other people have of you when you express those feelings. You may be percieved as a 'drama queen' or as morose if you make a habit of voicing every displeasure and disappointment. In 'polite' societies, the individual often downplays these feelings, as one should not appear to be looking for sympathy. And of course a person who shrugs off disappointment (even if it affects them deeply) will often be seen as positive and phlegmatic.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 6:59 AM on June 2, 2008

When you show disappointment, the other person will most likely be disappointed that they disappointed you (assuming they were trying and failed to do something to make you happy). From a purely utilitarian perspective, one disappointed person is better than two, so it behooves you to keep it to yourself.
posted by vytae at 7:01 AM on June 2, 2008

If someone you care about dissapoints you, it obviously could be considered a benefit if you hide (some of) that dissapointment and spare their feelings.
posted by Static Vagabond at 7:06 AM on June 2, 2008

Depending on the circumstance, the person who disappointed you might actually not be at fault, or could have no choice in the matter. They might feel really badly about disappointing you, so downplaying disappointment is a reassurance to them, an attempt to not make them feel worse.

When it's a disappointment caused by someone's negligence or if it was downright intentional, then I would probably express my disappointment a lot more clearly. The only reason I might downplay it in those instances is to make sure I don't overreact or fly off the handle. Then when I get more perspective on it, I can decide whether and how to address it with them.
posted by boomchicka at 7:07 AM on June 2, 2008

If you only ever show disappointment at important things, then people take you more seriously for it. Hiding your disappointment over small things means you can have a greater impact when it matters.
posted by jacalata at 7:18 AM on June 2, 2008

It depends on the type of disappointment you're having.


In Business:

For example, if I was disappointed in a performance review that I felt was unfair, or I was disappointed in my annual raise, or disappointed that I didn't get a promotion: Showing the disappointment makes you appear less professional. You have NOTHING to gain by showing the disappointment. A pout, an accusation, etc. will all hurt you in the long run and nothing will reverse the decision already made.

But if you don't show disappointment, first you appear more professional and second, in a way it's almost like "don't give them the pleasure of seeing you mad". If I feel I'm being treated unfairly (which is what would usually lead to a feeling of disappointment) then it's a minor victory to not let the other person KNOW I feel that way.

Personal life:

If I'm disappointed in, say, a gift given to me, or a vacation that was planned not living up to expectations, then by not showing it I'm sparing the other person's feelings. When I was 12 I wanted a Nintendo for my birthday and I didn't get it. I was disappointed because I felt sure I would, so I cried. Not proud of crying at 12, but I did. It wasn't crying to get something, but I'd gotten items I really didn't want (a fishing rod...I've never been a fisherman) and not the one item I did. By crying I hurt everyone's feelings and made myself seem like the child I was. (It did work...I had a Nintendo by nightfall...but that's not the point).

Recently for our anniversary my wife got me a gift of an antique item...and I was disappointed in the quality. Now I tried desperately to hide my disappointment to spare HER feelings, not to help my own, but I felt she paid too much and was ripped off on a damaged item. So there I hid my disappointment because she was proud of what she'd done with her work in finding this item and buying it, so I hid it to spare HER feelings. It's what growing up and acting mature is all about.

In others:

Now if you're disappointed in someone else, they let you down, etc. then really it depends on your relationship with them. If it's someone who values your approval, say a spouse or a child, then showing your disapproval may be a way to prevent the situation from happening again. In those cases, a measured amount of disappointment would be justified.

However if it's someone who doesn't give a crud what you think...then showing it just makes you appear weak and they will laugh at you. Showing any emotion to an enemy is a weakness that can be exploited, and disappointment is a weakness (I learned this when my best friend slept with my girlfriend...my "best friend" didn't care what I thought and when I expressed disappointment he pretended to care...and then dated her for the next 4 months).

So it's all about the situation, but it's also about maturity and protecting yourself.
posted by arniec at 7:20 AM on June 2, 2008

It depends on the context. If you are disappointed that a co-worker didn't come through on a project, then you should convey your disappointment in a mature fashion so that hopefully the next time they will come through for you. Concealing your disappointment here makes it more likely that they will slide the next time, too. (although, as jon_kill notes, it goes both ways).

If your sweetie gave you a book you have no interest in reading, it is both polite and advisable to conceal your disappointment. Doing otherwise is childish.

If a group of you are planning on a movie, and it is sold out when you get there, then what you do is part of your personality. You can either not get over it and repeat "this SUCKS!" a lot, or you can let it roll off your back and find something else to do. Showing some disappointment seems natural to me, but all consuming disappointment is, again, kinda childish.
posted by rhys at 7:31 AM on June 2, 2008

It's occasionally a pride thing - you don't want to appear too desperate.
posted by hellopanda at 7:36 AM on June 2, 2008

It's definitely a huge benefit to society, 'cause it allows you time to take things into perspective.

If I really want a taco, but someone brings me a burrito instead, my immediate natural response may well be, "FUCK THIS I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GAVE ME THAT HORRIBLE SUBSTITUTE", but after a few moments, I may remember, "Oh hey, I actually love burritos. It's a good thing I didn't convey disappointment over that." If I'm still sore about the burrito in a few hours, I can always gently bring it up at that time.

It's easier on social interactions to correct an apparent first impression from delighted to disappointed than it is to do the opposite.
posted by Greg Nog at 9:20 AM on June 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

To me, this is a form of grace.
posted by rhizome at 10:18 AM on June 2, 2008

I don't like people to know when they've hurt me. But it's the same with anything - what emotion do they want to see/ what do I want to show? And we go from there.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 11:48 PM on June 2, 2008

I'm not disappointed with any of these responses - thanks for your thoughts.

It was also a philosophical question - maybe I could add that I'm also interested in how others filter acts of concealed disappointment and whether they're adequately conscious of their actions in these situations - but that may be considered chat-filter.
posted by strawberryviagra at 3:51 AM on June 3, 2008