What happened to all the starfish in the sea?

June 1, 2008 1:27 PM

I don't know about his past relationships; should I?

We've been together for a year, and have discussed marriage and out both in our mid-to-late twenties. I'm fairly certain he's going to "officially" propose within the next couple months. He's never been secretive or hidden anything, and I feel like I know most things about him, except his relationship history. I know how many people he's slept with and how many times he's has sex and how many girlfriends he's had, but that's it. I have no idea how long any of his relationships lasted, why they ended, how they started, how old he was when he had them, and so on. He more or less knows mine, minus a few details (he does not, for example, know how many people I've slept with, but this is something he specifically told me not to tell him. Most of what I've told him has been in direct answer to his questions, or things I disclosed while we were friends and not romantically involved).

I've gently brought this up/asked him about his relationship history on a few occasions, and every time he has dismissed it or not answered the question. I have no idea why he does this. I've never pushed for an answer, because I realize it can be a sticky issue and I don't want to make him uncomfortable and I realize that extracting an answer from him on this would take quite a bit of prodding, but it's no longer like we're in the first two months of the relationship and I feel like I ought to know these details about him. If he isn't freely revealing this information, is it something I really ought to know, though? I know it's part of his past and very personal to him, but we're talking about being together for the rest of our lives, so I really would like to know this about him. I think it would help me understand him better, but I'll admit that I'm also downright curious.

Should I push him to share his relationship history with me now, before we're married, or is it something I should just leave alone (maybe he would choose to share this in several years when he's ready)? If I do initiate another conversation with him about his past, what is the least invasive way to do it?

posted by anonymous to human relations (31 comments total)

I've gently brought this up/asked him about his relationship history on a few occasions, and every time he has dismissed it or not answered the question.

It sounds like he does not want to provide a resume of his romantic relationships. That's what his reticence signifies.

If he isn't freely revealing this information, is it something I really ought to know, though?

I don't think so. You don't know what his reticence means. Perhaps he is insecure that he is less "experienced" than you. Maybe his past breakups were painful. Maybe his past relationships were awful and he doesn't like to talk about them. If you know him well enough to be considering marriage with him, I don't think learning the intimate details of his past relationships is going to add anything. It might just make him uncomfortable or embarass him.
posted by jayder at 1:33 PM on June 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't know, but I'd say if he's touchy about it, there may be something icky hiding there, something that he's uncomfortable with. It might be something simple, but it also might be something complicated. I think we can learn a lot about our partners' past relationships and how they talk about them. I like to know - not all the details, just if they had a positive relationship or not, the length of time, long distance or not, that kind of stuff. It has actually served me well in my current relationship because we're about to take it long distance, and it's nice to know he survived a long distance relationship in the past and it wasn't the end of the world. There's something to be said for respecting his privacy, but at the same rate, you need to know what was up. I'd want to know (but I have been fortunate in that all the people I have dated have been quite forthright).

Good luck. I don't think I helped out here at all. Sorry! :)
posted by cachondeo45 at 1:33 PM on June 1, 2008

If it's important for you to know, I think it's ok to continue asking. At this point, you might want to acknowledge his obvious hesitation, but let him know that it's something you would like to know about, and that you would like him to tell you about it some time. Then leave it alone for a while. That way you're not putting him on the spot, and it gives him some time to do whatever it is he needs to do to be able to tell you (work up the courage, deal with a bad memory, etc.).
posted by boomchicka at 1:40 PM on June 1, 2008

do you need to know any more about him before you say "yes"? do you need to know more to trust him? do you need to know more about he feels about his relationship to you?

if the answer to these is "no", then let sleeping dogs lie.

he might be uncomfortable for a lot of reasons - painful memories, past experience with girlfriends being jealous over exes, or he may feel it's something very personal which you simply don't need to know. he's either very protecting himself, protecting his privacy, or protecting you.

any which way, i think he's clearly indicated he'd like you to respect those boundaries. pushing any further will only damage the trust.
posted by wayward vagabond at 1:42 PM on June 1, 2008

If you know him well enough to be considering marriage with him, I don't think learning the intimate details of his past relationships is going to add anything. It might just make him uncomfortable or embarass him.

Yeah but if she knows him well enough to be considering marriage, then sharing really personal stuff, good or bad, sort of goes along with that. Before you agree to marry someone, you should really know how they deal with uncomfortable situations. I think that's as important, if not more so, than the specific topic at hand here.
posted by boomchicka at 1:43 PM on June 1, 2008

Is this something where it is a dealbreaker if he won't tell you?
Because if it isn't, let it go. It's just not worth the strife it's causing.
I can think of a number of reasons why he wouldn't want to tell you that are entirely innocuous.

HOWEVER, If it really is a big enough deal to you that you would reconsider getting married because of it, be straight with him. Ask him bluntly why he always avoids the question. But be warned that this will most likely not be an easy conversation, but may (for you) be a necessary one.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 1:57 PM on June 1, 2008

Ask him bluntly why he always avoids the question. But be warned that this will most likely not be an easy conversation, but may (for you) be a necessary one.

I agree with this. You have every right to know that kind of basic information, and the fact that he's avoiding telling you suggests he has something to be embarrassed about. It may be nothing serious (I once had a girlfriend who finally, after much hesitation and encouragement, confessed to me that she was... Jewish), or it may be something that will make you reconsider the relationship. But I don't think the Bluebeard's Castle approach ("there is one door you must never open...") is a good way to enter a marriage.
posted by languagehat at 2:05 PM on June 1, 2008

I echo wayward vagabond. Emphatically. Of course, I have no idea what he's 'hiding' about his past - maybe he used to be a horrible person; maybe it's just embarrassing stuff - or maybe he'd just rather focus on the present and future with you. I don't know about you, but I share your boyfriend's explicit noninterest in knowing the "number" of the girls I'm with - because sometimes, knowing too much about our partners' pasts leads us to try to analyze it too much, or draw the wrong conclusions. If you look at my past relationships, you might get really bad ideas about my priorities in life - and sometimes, rather than offer up my entire life with volumes of clarification and context, I'd rather that the girl I love respects that I am who I am, and not who I was, and that who I was isn't important.
posted by Tomorrowful at 2:05 PM on June 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ought to know...? Nope. You asked about it. He's not interested in telling you. End of story.
You can't demand that he tell you. It's only relevant to you in an obscure way at best IF it even has any value to you at all. What is relevant is that he doesn't feel the need to discuss it so it's none of your business at all. Perhaps you need to think about why it's so desperately important for you to know these things?
Relax :) You're getting married not assimilating the poor guy :)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 2:12 PM on June 1, 2008

I think, as others have said, that if it is important to you then you should pursue it. However, if you haven't already, try the somewhat indirect approach -- share a story about your past romantic history and ask him for details about a similar one. However, you should keep in mind that you will only get one side of the story, his version and that will have to suffice. I have a feeling that an open-ended questions like, "Tell me about your past!", just won't work on your guy. He's just as likely (or more likely) to be thinking, 'I dated some people; they were nice; it didn't work out', as 'I don't want my future wife to find out about my past!!' You know?

And, maybe he's fearful of a mutual sharing there -- maybe he's the one with jealousy issues and doesn't want to share his stories if it means hearing yours.

I think it's very hard to articulate the vagaries of a past relationship unless it was particularly dramatic or came at a pivotal point in one person's life. So, think about what it is you want to know and try to get at that. You may need to be very direct and ask very specific questions. Maybe write down the questions that you have and think about them first.

I do think that sharing past relationship stories is something that ought to come naturally in a long-term relationship (because it's so interesting) but for some people, maybe not.
posted by amanda at 2:21 PM on June 1, 2008

He's never been secretive or hidden anything
and
I have no idea how long any of his relationships lasted, why they ended, how they started, how old he was when he had them, and so on
...seem like contradictory statements.

While I'm certainly a proponent of the idea that no one's obliged to tell their partners everything about their romantic past, I do find it odd that you know rather minute details of his sexual history -- exact number of partners and exact number of times he's had sex? -- but apparently nothing about the context in which this sexual history happened.

There's a practical importance, I've learned, to knowing the general outlines of a partner's relationship history. For example, has he only had short-term relationships (say, under 6 months), or has he had some longer ones, too (say, a year or more)? There's not much importance to the narrative details of each of those relationships in particular, but there is importance to his own history of dealing with the broader issues, conflicts, themes, etc. that recur in relationships in general.

So if, hypothetically, every previous relationship of his ended when the first big conflict came along, then he doesn't have much practice at communication and compromise in a long-term setting. That doesn't mean, of course, that he can't develop those skills within your relationship, but it does mean that you and he may have very different experiences and expectations in that arena. (And it's fine to have those different experiences and expectations; what's problematic to a relationship is when those different expectations remain unspoken.)

I look at it this way: who we are in our relationships is important. It's not that you want to know more about his ex-girlfriends; it's that you want to know more about him. And if you're contemplating marriage, I think that's a healthy thing.
posted by scody at 2:26 PM on June 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

What we have here is a failure to meta-communicate.

"I've noticed that in the year we've been together, you've seemed to avoid talking about past relationship histories, you know, like how long they lasted, what was good and bad, why you broke up, things like that. So I'm not asking you to tell me about all your past relationships, particularly the emotional parts, if you aren't comfortable, but I'm curious if there is a some reason for avoiding the subject in general. Even now, I find myself approaching this as if it were some kind of sensitive subject that makes me want to tread lightly and I don't know if these are just my feelings or if I'm reacting to something in you."


"If he isn't freely revealing this information"

You don't know that yet; maybe he's waiting for you to ask?

"I know it's part of his past and very personal to him"

Does he really act this way or are you filling in the gaps with a working theory?

"I think it would help me understand him better, but I'll admit that I'm also downright curious."

Same thing. The more you know the more you understand the more you can love. You don't need to either avoid or attack a defense. You can find out why it's there, either in the other or in yourself or, as is usually the case, in some kind of complementary pattern in the relationship.
posted by psyche7 at 2:29 PM on June 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

How are you going to feel when you guys run into one of his ex's at the grocery store, and you have absolutely no context for their relationship, other than a name on a list?
posted by blue_beetle at 2:43 PM on June 1, 2008

"how many times he's had sex"

That is a very weird thing to know.

Weirdness of that one detail aside, this question makes me wonder whether you have a broader emotional disconnect or lack of intimacy with him? I think it would be a mistake to become obsessed with this one class of emotional experiences you don't know about (romantic relationships), but I would ask myself if he was being open about his feelings and inner experiences in other ways. It's true that some people just don't like to rehash the past at all, and that's fine, but not if he's not opening himself up to you in other ways.

One of my ex-boyfriends never really told me about his most significant relationship, other than the broad details and the fact that it had ended very badly for him. Later on, years after we broke up, we got to be friends and he told me the whole story. It definitely made me feel closer to him as a friend -- and it also made me think that I hadn't really known him as a boyfriend. Not only because he hadn't told me that particular story, which was so important to his life, but also because I realized that he never really talked about his own feelings with me at all (or maybe I was never listening...?)
posted by footnote at 2:43 PM on June 1, 2008

Don't pry into past relationships as he is obviously uncomfortable about telling you these.

However is he open about his financial situation? E.g. paying possible alimony or child support? If you are thinking about getting married a full & frank discussion of his & your finances is, IMO, a good idea, to say the least.
posted by lungtaworld at 2:44 PM on June 1, 2008

IMO, when you're planning on getting married and sharing the rest of your lives together, there should be no secrets. Not about the past, present, or future. Relationships are not always insignificant phases that mean nothing as time goes on - they have the ability to deeply influence and change people, and I think married or soon-to-be-married partners should have the right to know what happened in the past. It's a part of you, and who you became. No one starts a new relationship as a blank slate if there has been something previously, and understanding those previous relationships can very well help you understand the current.

Although things can be wonderful and filled with bliss at the moment, there is always a chance that you'll see mysterious problems or behaviors that will befuddle you in the future - things that could've come from those past experiences, and the knowledge of which could help you interpret and better work with them.

I would very much want to know what went wrong, what went right, and other details of my SO's past. I wouldn't want to unknowingly repeat mistakes, cross some unsaid boundary, or accidentally prod an unmentioned sore spot.

Summary: your boyfriend's past relationships are a part of his identity, and if you're to spend the next forever with him, I think it's worth being familiar with.

Ask him directly.
posted by Bakuun at 2:46 PM on June 1, 2008

I think you have a right to ask.
You might also ask about his financial, marital, medical and offspring situations. It's surprising what some people leave out till just before the wedding, if even then.
posted by acoutu at 3:14 PM on June 1, 2008

Looks like it boils down to two points of view:

I don't know, but I'd say if he's touchy about it, there may be something icky hiding there, something that he's uncomfortable with.

I think it's very hard to articulate the vagaries of a past relationship unless it was particularly dramatic or came at a pivotal point in one person's life.

I'm in the latter camp here. I can't think of much that would be more boring than listing off my past relationships, most of which didn't last very long and ended banally: lack of chemistry. (I dated someone recently who went on at length, without prompting, about previous relationships, which taught me exactly two things about him: (1) he's obsessed with eternally rehashing the past and (2) his timetable for getting seriously attached was very different from mine. These two things helped me decide to end it. I suspect you're already OK with your fiancé's position on these things, given that he is your fiancé.)

He has a responsibility to be honest with you about whether he has any STDs, children, or trauma/hangups from previous relationships, but minutiae like whether he was with Shawna for 3 or 8 months and whether they broke up because she moved away or he couldn't stand her halitosis isn't that interesting.
posted by kittyprecious at 3:33 PM on June 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

God forbid, maybe he was married before, or has a child. I've seen this happen to male and female friends of mine.

"Oh yeah, I was married before, guess I forgot to mention it" is NOT what you want to hear three weeks before the 20k wedding.

You don't have a "right" to know, but were I in your position, I would want the information. Or else.
posted by sondrialiac at 3:33 PM on June 1, 2008

Er, I mean boyfriend-with-potential-to-be-fiancé. Everything else stands.
posted by kittyprecious at 3:35 PM on June 1, 2008

I really think you should look at some of your assumptions before you do anything.

You think he may propose, but he hasn't yet.

Even after he proposes you still won't be married.

Even after you're married you still don't have to "...spend the rest of [your] lives together."

Should I push him to share his relationship history with me now, before we're married...

There will be many, many opportunities to do so between now and then, if it even happens. Take some pressure off yourself.
posted by 517 at 3:52 PM on June 1, 2008

If I were in your place, I'd think the most important questions would be those that related to legal issues - has he ever been married before? Ever sworn out a TRO or had one sworn against him? The question isn't so much the details of the past relationships as why he's so determined to keep you in the dark. If there are no legal issues and your relationship is otherwise satisfying to a degree that you'd marry him, I'd only consider how the related trust issues will affect your relationship in the long run, and if you're ok with that, go for it.
posted by notashroom at 3:53 PM on June 1, 2008

Well in my recently ended relationship, I made the grave mistake of being absolutely honest about my previous relationships when asked by my then girlfriend. She wanted to know everything, so I told her. There were no skeletons in the closet; no torches still burning for any of my ex-girlfriends. I just told her what she wanted to know.

Thereafter, she was extremely jealous of my past relationships - the places I went with these women, etc. etc. "Why haven't you taken me to Paris?" (Answer: "Because I took you to Budapest and Krakow instead").

It is possible that your boyfriend underwent a similar experience with one of his previous girlfriends, and is therefore unwilling to dwell on the subject of earlier romances. What is in the past remains in the past. You really don't need to know every detail of his previous girlfriends.

I am absolutely NOT saying that you would get all jealous about his earlier relationships, or react in any negative way whatsoever. But maybe he divulged everything to a previous girl and has learnt the lesson that lots of information about his past loves is not a good thing.

If you two love each other, which I'm sure you do, and he hasn't done anything to disabuse your trust, then...trust him. When all is said and done, what difference does it make if he was with a partilculr girl for two years or four? He's not with her now. He's with you.
posted by idiomatika at 4:07 PM on June 1, 2008

it seems to me that he is touchy about it and you feel uneasy about not knowing. I'd suggest weighing what's more important here, whether you want to choose respecting his feelings about his past or whether it bugs you too much not to let it go. both would be completely respectable decisions, I am not advocating either. just decide on doing one or the other and embrace it. not doing what your heart tells you will result in a nagging feeling that only gets worse with time.
posted by krautland at 4:23 PM on June 1, 2008

Short of something disease related, his prior relationships are none of your business. Maybe he's embarrassed, ashamed, etc.

Do you really want to know that he took his past loves to the same restaurants? That he used that certain amazing sexual maneuver before he met you? That he still remembers the exact date and time he met his last girlfriend?

Let it go. Be with him in the now. His past brought him to you. That should be all that matters.
posted by eratus at 4:32 PM on June 1, 2008 [5 favorites]

Everybody's marriage/relationship is different, and what's a dealbreaker or a stressor for you may not be for other people. It's not an issue of whether or not you have the right to know, or should ask. It's an issue of what information you consider to be crucial, and what you don't, and what information he considers to be crucial, and what he doesn't, and whether you can negotiate when those territories don't overlap.

Personally, this would bother the shit out of me. I'd worry he wasn't telling me things that would provide valuable insight into - or terrible warnings about - his character, and how he handles conflict. Other people, as evidenced by this thread, wouldn't think this was any kind of a big deal. So, what you should or should not do really depends on your own peculiar preferences.

I think, before anybody marries anybody, they'd be advised to know (at a minimum) about any ways in which past relationships continue to affect their partner (eg, on the practical side, alimony payments, or on the emotional side, waking up in a cold sweat from nightmares every night), and any information that will prevent social embarrassment (eg, if you run into his ex at the grocery store, how is everybody expected to act?).
posted by joannemerriam at 4:39 PM on June 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

The past is in the past. Your future together is what matters.
posted by baphomet at 4:53 PM on June 1, 2008

Baphomet: as easy as that is to say, the past most definitely can influence the future.
posted by Bakuun at 5:16 PM on June 1, 2008

I think you have a right to ask.
You might also ask about his financial, marital, medical and offspring situations. It's surprising what some people leave out till just before the wedding, if even then.
posted by acoutu

This is absolutely right. I have a very hard time believing you two know very much about each other if you're not even familiar with his past relationships. There would be so many times for it to come up even in casual discussion that him hiding it has to be purposeful. "Oh, yeah, I went to Miami once with Rachel." "Who's Rachel?" "Oh, a girl I dated for about 6 months. She started dating a guy from her hometown and moved back there."

Short of something disease related, his prior relationships are none of your business. Maybe he's embarrassed, ashamed, etc.
posted by eratus

This is absolutely wrong. And demonstrably so, with ease. What if he was convicted of domestic abuse, and the past girlfriend had to move out of state and change her identity to escape him? What if he has knocked up every girl he's been with before you? What if he has been married and divorced 3 times and has alimony payments?

Maybe all he has had before you are school-based romances. High school and college sweethearts. If so, that's fine, but he should tell you.

If he is comfortable giving you a list of sexual partners and frequencies, saying he is too embarrassed to discuss his relationships with you is absurd.

He is purposefully withholding this information from you. Since you're obviously not okay with that (hence the question to AskMe), then you owe it to yourself to ask the question directly. If, after asking directly and explaining that you truly want to know, if he refuses to answer, there should be wailing sirens and flashing lights in your cranium.

Also, (something I'm surprised noone else has seized upon) his "he doesn't know how many people I've slept with, by request" hang-up is a trap ready to go off at any time. It's an iceberg lurking right below the surface, ready to rip your hull to shreds.

The only reason he would specifically request not to be told is he is sensitive over it. Probably VERY sensitive over it. What about if you're married 4 years and then he decides he really, really needs to know, then decides you're "over the limit" and a whore?

There is something wrong here. You obviously sense it. Listen to your intuition.

You and this boy need to have a sit down and a heart-to-heart. Preferably before a diamond ring gets involved. Unquestionably before a marriage certificate gets involved.
posted by Ynoxas at 5:25 PM on June 1, 2008 [4 favorites]

I know how many people he's slept with and how many times he's has sex and how many girlfriends he's had, but that's it. I have no idea how long any of his relationships lasted, why they ended, how they started, how old he was when he had them, and so on.

Good lord, that's quite a bit to know already! That you would know all of this and yet still feel that he hasn't discussed his relationship history...this I do not understand.

But I will say that whatever it is that you're looking for in these details that you seek, I'm not sure you'll find it.
posted by desuetude at 8:29 PM on June 1, 2008

he does not, for example, know how many people I've slept with, but this is something he specifically told me not to tell him.

I agree with Ynoxas. The implication of his request is well....if you slept with too many people, you might be a slut or something. I would be bothered by this, as it's an obvious double standards.

In a relationship, I don't need to hear about the restaurants he and she ate at in Paris. But it's relevant to hear some basics if you ask. I don't know how many women my sig other has slept with, because frankly that's the less relevant info and I'm surprised he would divulge that and not just like "oh, my first girlfriend and I met in college and dated two years and we broke up because she moved to China." That's all I personally need to know.

Many men divulge this information reluctantly, but the one boyfriend I had who completely avoided it did have something to hide.
posted by melissam at 2:04 PM on June 2, 2008