Best Toilet Paper Evar

June 1, 2008 12:48 PM

Best Toilet Paper Ever!

Alright, who makes the best toilet paper ever? Surely some amount of money will bring you soft, disposable fine linens that magically don't clog a toilet.

posted by sirion to grab bag (37 comments total)

I like Quilted Northern (the blue package). I've had a number of different roommates over the last few years, all with different TP preferences (or non-preferences, so they'll grab whatever), so I feel pretty well-immersed in the toilet paper scene. Charmin is a little too soft and gets linty, Target brand (made to be a QN copycat) is fine but a little...um...crispy? The Kleenex Cottonelle stuff is pretty good, too.
posted by phunniemee at 1:03 PM on June 1, 2008

Charmin Ultra. No contest. Although next time I run out I'm going to try their new extra-strong.
posted by jtfowl0 at 1:04 PM on June 1, 2008

I'm partial to Cottonelle with ripples (with Aloe & E too). It's the only thing I buy now.
posted by disaster77 at 1:07 PM on June 1, 2008

So you're looking for an actual luxury item, right? Not consumer reports on our individual preferences toward regular name-brands?
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 1:16 PM on June 1, 2008

Charmin Extra Strong. It's soft & strong, not to mention I use far fewer sheets than with any other brand.
posted by dreaming in stereo at 1:25 PM on June 1, 2008

in canada: BOCE brand recycled toilet paper. i see it at many dollar stores. it's from quebec, it comes in 4-packs, and it's about $0.25 / roll. i admit that it's not exactly like wiping your butt on a fluffy kitten, but it's recycled toilet paper, and it's quite soft.
the environmentalist in me would like to point out that non-recycled toilet paper is made from old growth forests.
if you find non-luxury toilet paper too rough, you can keep a bottle of light, unscented hand lotion in the loo, and put a teeny squirt on the toilet paper before using it.
posted by twistofrhyme at 1:29 PM on June 1, 2008

I am pretty partial to Cottonelle Fresh Flushable Moist Wipes, but buy the double-rolls of Kleenex Cottonelle for the naysayers.

Most of the adults I've introduced the moist wipes to have become fans.
posted by Incognita at 1:32 PM on June 1, 2008

A quick google turns up this Renova stuff, but the rich would just use a bidet would they not?
posted by onya at 1:33 PM on June 1, 2008

Another vote for Charmin Extra Strong.
posted by candyland at 1:51 PM on June 1, 2008

It is clear that you are equating "best" with "nonclogging" when it comes to toilet paper. I'd like to suggest that there are other qualities of toilet paper that are worth strong consideration.

For example, there are brands of "green" toilet paper which are environmentally friend in that they use a greater percentage of post-consumer waste paper and is commonly, incidentally, brown.

And of course one must think about the softness of the toilet paper. This I can't say too much about, as I believe it's subjective and dependent on the individual's method of using toilet paper, his or her skin type, and his or her tolerance of chafing and pain. Needless to say, the more expensive brands which are quilted, or double-ply, are typically more comfortable.

For me, however, the biggest hassle when dealing with toilet paper is running out. I need a new roll? Ok, find the spare if one is nearby, or do the shuffle to find another roll. Sit down again, try to relax, and try to unglue the top layer off the roll to get it started. Fine.

But then eventually you'll run out of toilet paper completely.

Allow me to digress and relate to you a story which may explain where everything I'm writing about comes from. A number of years ago, in the Late Unpleasantless, I found myself pretty broke, pretty depressed, and in some physical pain. I was hungry, and looking in the mirror, I read a note to myself reminding me to buy some toilet paper.

Because it had been storming, I biked to 7-11. It was late at night; the grocery stores were closed. On the way, my left foot slipped off the pedal (I was wearing mocassins, and the pedals were the small, clipless type), resulting in a sudden downward fall broken only by my crotch's contact with the top tube.

I parked my bike and hobbled into 7-11. It was 23:20, and the late-night hobo beer rush was on. I waited patiently in line, wincing every so often as I tried to discern which testicle was more severely damaged. The throbbing pain of it all made this very difficult, but it took my mind of the bumstench.

My turn to get rung up came up. Beep, Doritos. Beep, toilet paper. A pause. And then another. The cashier looked up at me and said "you know, I could let you use the staff bathroom."


From that day onward, I've bought my toilet paper in the largest quantities possible. I buy the 1000-sheet rolls. Single ply, as it seems to cause fewer clogs: I double it up if I have to. I rarely have to change rolls. I never run out. My hallway closet is stacked to the top with toilet paper rolls. My friends ask me why I do this, and I answer that at some point, quantity trumps quality. Having twelve rolls of toilet paper is ok. Having over 200 is awesome and ready for the apocalypse.


In short: buy as much of the cheapest toilet paper you can find. You will have effectively obviated one Life Concern in that you'll never have to go out to buy toilet paper. Nature's pocket will adapt: the pain will diminish: you will have found your answer, then.
posted by herrdoktor at 2:01 PM on June 1, 2008 [6 favorites]

Renova. On a stainless-steel wall-mounted dispenser (service the spring in the stationary arm regularly to ensure stability), with the roll oriented to dispense paper from underneath rather than from above — the hoi polloi may delight in the illusion of easy access provided by the uncouth overhand position, but any connoisseur naturally intuits that an underhand alignment provides for more leverage and, therefore, greater precision when "taking charge" of one's chosen segment of tissue. Consider inserting an additional cardboard tube so as to reinforce the original; this impedes (but does not avert) the steady deformation of the tube which inevitably leads to an irregular, "clunky" unspooling rate. Serve with a light Beaujolais.

Charmin Ultra is also really nice
posted by decagon at 2:16 PM on June 1, 2008

buy as much of the cheapest toilet paper you can find

I could not disagree with this more. Life is too short to use cheap toilet paper.

*wipes butt with fluffy kitten*

Charmin Ultra is available by the metric ton at my local warehouse store -- I never run out, I never think about having to buy TP more than once every three months or so. The package is almost too large to fit in my car, but that's a problem tie-downs and ingenuity can solve.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 2:21 PM on June 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

Charmin Ultra in my household too.
posted by All.star at 2:26 PM on June 1, 2008

Cottonelle! Cottonelle! Cottonelle!
posted by brain cloud at 3:19 PM on June 1, 2008

Charmin Ultra when the local (only) grocery store has it in stock.
Or Sports Illustrated and/or ESPN magazine pages, which are always handy.
posted by Smalltown Girl at 3:28 PM on June 1, 2008

Charmin Basic toilet paper, supplemented when necessary by Cottonelle Fresh Wipes.
posted by amyms at 3:30 PM on June 1, 2008

Quilted Northern. The Sunday paper always has coupons for it, too.
posted by pieoverdone at 3:35 PM on June 1, 2008

I second Incognita's plug for Cottonelle's Flushable Moise Wipes. Who wants to smear the stuff around and then pull up your britches?! Get it off, clean it off, and feel like a million bucks! It truly is a feeling that is worth the extra few pennies buying wipes will cost you. I've even started to buy the generic brand and have experienced the same results.

Man, all this talking about the bliss that comes with using flushable wipes has me looking forward to my next BM.
posted by Detuned Radio at 3:37 PM on June 1, 2008

"ShitBegone toilet paper is a quality product that exemplifies your attitude and approach to life.

Part journey of discovery, part assertion of responsibility, part embrace of life, ShitBegone expresses hope and belief that a better world is possible."
posted by Rock Steady at 3:54 PM on June 1, 2008

ShitBegone. 100% recycled; union labor; the owner has this whole philosophy behind it, and tells you how it's made. It isn't fluffy, velvety, or "quilted", and it's kinda expensive, but a case will last at least a year and the shipping is free.

Also a vote for keeping a container of wet wipes in the loo. I can't believe I never thought of it before I had kids, but it just makes sense.
posted by Melinika at 4:08 PM on June 1, 2008

Haha, must remember if said kids distract me while I try to post, that preview is my friend.
posted by Melinika at 4:10 PM on June 1, 2008

Scott-- "A Feeling Like Old Linen"...
posted by Dizzy at 4:11 PM on June 1, 2008

I'm allergic to perfumes and other such crap so can only use Sorbent Hypoallergenic. When I'm out of town for extended time periods my boyfriend still buys it because it's just so damn nice. I've ruined him for cheap toilet paper.

Anything designed for sensitive skin and lacking in pointless perfumes and chemicals is going to be good, but be aware that this is pretty much the most expensive type in our supermarket.
posted by shelleycat at 4:21 PM on June 1, 2008

Anything from the UK (except maybe Izal hard toilet paper; it's like tracing paper). I dunno how it's different, but British bog roll works better, with less.
posted by scruss at 4:55 PM on June 1, 2008

I used to use the Charmin in the red package before they "made it better" - Ultra Strong is like Ultra Paper-Towel to me. One pack of that and my business end wasn't too happy.

My current setup is just like amyms'. I love Charmin basic. It's one-ply and I never have any clog problems with it. It's a good mixture between soft and strong (really, somewhat similar to what the old Charmin red was). I also supplement with Cottonelle wipes.
posted by odi.et.amo at 5:40 PM on June 1, 2008

I can't believe this thread. CHARMIN SUCKS. It leaves dust everywhere -- on the floor, on you.

COTTONELLE WITH RIPPLES.
posted by kmennie at 5:46 PM on June 1, 2008

Single ply store brand. Less paper in the septic system. Life's too short for cheap beer or cheap coffee, but cheap toilet paper is fine by me. If there was unbleached, recycled tp at my store, I'd buy that.
posted by theora55 at 6:20 PM on June 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

Quilted Northern.
posted by HauteMama at 6:42 PM on June 1, 2008

Angel Soft. Is this a regional brand? Because otherwise I can't understand why it hasn't been mentioned. I'm with kmennie, Charmin is horrible! Dusty lint in the air, on the floor, and in sensitive places that should never have what are essentially little slivers of wood on them. Angel Soft is cheap, lint free, and universally available, at least in the PNW.
posted by HotToddy at 7:09 PM on June 1, 2008

Charmin Basic here, too. I'd rather drink cheap or no beer than use cheap toilet paper. Unlike kittens, it isn't linty ... or reusable.
posted by notashroom at 7:12 PM on June 1, 2008

What's wrong with you people? Stop whatever you are doing and get yourself some Charmin Plus with Aloe immediately. These days I think it has chamomile too (to put your butt to sleep?). I actually miss the original C+wA. It had more lotion infused in it and was an absolute dream to use. It was like a very slightly moistened baby blanket, you know, that white, pebbled, stretchy, soft wonderful kind? It was a dream. I guess people thought it was too lotiony, though, because they backed off of it. It still feels great though. The texture is just right. Doesn't feel papery. My bum isn't happy when I use anything else. It sulks and gets all passive aggressive on me.
posted by Askr at 7:39 PM on June 1, 2008

I've been a Charmin Ultra convert for a long time - but there are two problems that hae been bothering me.

#1
The environment. Do I really need to wipe my ass with virgin forest and agricultural products? There seems to be a metaphor in there.

#2
[snicker]

#2.1
kmennie is right. Charmin leaves dust/lint under the roll and, ahem, under me. I feel that if I'm paying top dollar for ostensibly premium butt wipe, I shouldn't have to worry about dingleberries.

All of this has led me to believe that I need to switch to Seventh Generation toilet paper. I've used it before (while house-sitting... heh...). It's soft, comfortable, and 100% recycled. Sure, it's more expensive than the cheap wax-paper crap - but it's not appreciably more expensive than Charmin Ultra. The big problem is that I can;t seem to find it in quantities greater than 4-packs. I currently buy Charmin Ultra at Costco, and really like having a ~6 month supply in the bathroom linen closet.

This thread seals the deal though. As inconvenient as it may be, I guy I'll just start buying multiple smaller packages. I need to stop being so damn wasteful with something that I'm literally going to just flush down the toilet. I'm now galvanized for (lint free) action!
posted by terpia at 7:53 PM on June 1, 2008

Should have added this bit too...

I like spicy food. Really, really spicy food.
A pack of aloe baby wipes lasts a long time in the bathroom and really helps when it's time to pay the pepper piper. Not terribly environment-friendly, but it's better than giving up spicy food or feeling the burn, so to speak.
posted by terpia at 7:56 PM on June 1, 2008

Cottonelle with Aloe and E all the way.
posted by Locative at 10:49 PM on June 1, 2008

All the way from front to back, that is.
posted by Locative at 10:49 PM on June 1, 2008

Costco's Kirkland brand. Soft, quilted and doesn't leave that dreaded TP dust everywhere. My only beef with the brand is that the rolls are individually wrapped - what a waste of paper. (probably meant for shop owners, etc. to put in their public bathrooms). The rolls are big and the price is right.
posted by wendees at 7:51 AM on June 9, 2008

I'm all about Cottonelle as well though it sounds like you should be shopping for a toilet rather than tp that doesn't clog the toilet...
posted by mskonz at 5:52 AM on April 16