Changing unhealthy thinking patterns

May 30, 2008 6:43 PM

Are there unhealthy thought processes that you've had that once you've dealt with them, had a discernibly positive effect on your life? If so, how did you go about changing them? And what kind of benefit did you see?

I'm realizing that there are ways that I process my interactions with others, and the way I think about the world such that it creates unneeded tension in my life, and keeps me from doing what I want to be doing at times. However, realizing a problem and changing a problem are two different things. It would be encouraging to hear stories from people who have been successful in changing unhealthy thought processes, and also how one actually goes about changing a destructive or unhealthy thought process, such that an interpretive grid for life is restructured, and changes life for the better.

I realize this may be a bit vague. As a general example: a success story would be the person who learns how to not internalize criticism such that it eats away at them anymore, as they've learned that excessive criticism often says more about the person criticizing than the person being criticized, and what may be sometimes interpreted as criticism may actually be a desire to help. It's hard to change this interpretive grid, but once done, can be very freeing.

I guess in the end, I'd like to know the best way to change an interpretive grid for life such that it really is changed internally, and not simply lip service or basic self-awareness of the problem.

posted by SpacemanStix to health (15 comments total)

I don't know if this is the sort of example you're looking for, but a couple years I realized how often my mental reaction to all kinds of situations (small and large alike) that I didn't immediately want to confront was: "I don't care." I would actually think the words, "I don't care." It had the effect of my not really taking stock of things that needed to be dealt with. Instead I mentally dismissed it as yet another thing I didn't care about. Then I made a New Years Resolution that I would abolish that phrase from my thinking. Anytime I sort of felt it coming on, I would make myself counteract it by thinking, "No, I do care." While I can't say the change in my life has been radical, exactly, it definitely helped bring me out of a mental funk or fog that I'd been carrying around with me for a while, burdening myself with all those things I "didn't care" about but yet still lingered around needing to be addressed in some way.
posted by brain cloud at 7:15 PM on May 30

brain cloud, that is the sort of thing I'm thinking about. Thanks for sharing it. I've wondered for awhile if we can reprogram our interpretive framework a bit by learning to speak to ourselves in different ways internally. Initially it probably needs to be overly intentional, and almost stilted, until it becomes something of a habit.
posted by SpacemanStix at 7:30 PM on May 30

Spaceman, it sounds to me like what you are describing is exactly the premise behind cognitive therapy. You're wondering whether we can reprogram our interpretive framework by altering the way we speak to ourselves and we totally can. That's what this discipline is all about.

Cognitive therapy

"Cognitive therapy is designed to help you identify and change distorted thought (cognitive) patterns that can lead to feelings and behaviors that are troublesome, self-defeating or self-destructive. It's based on the premise that how you interpret your experiences in life determines the way you feel and behave. If you have depression, for instance, you might see yourself and your experiences in negative ways, which worsens the symptoms of depression. Like behavior therapy, cognitive therapy focuses on your current problem, rather than addressing underlying or past issues or conflicts. Unlike behavior therapy, however, your experiences are an important part of the cognitive therapy process."
posted by Askr at 7:34 PM on May 30

I tend to catastrophize, envisioning the worst possible result from any situation. My co-worker is short with me, so she must be angry with me, so it's because of something I did, probably I'm not pulling my weight, I'm not doing a good job, I need to step up my game or I'm going to get fired...

you get the idea. So the thing that helped me overcome this was wedging the question "Is there any other possible interpretation?" between the initial problem and the spun-out fantastical conclusions I might draw. Is there any other possible interpretation why my co-worker is cranky? Yeah, she might have a headache. Or she's preoccupied because her dog might need surgery. Or she's worried that her daughter is about to drop out of college. Or she just found out she has to rewrite her last budget proposal. And so on. It's not always about me, and it's not always what I think, and often things I fear don't happen. Remembering to insert that wedge lets me stop the panicky spiral that used to get me wound up.
posted by Miko at 7:37 PM on May 30

Askr, that's very much what I'm thinking about. I'm wondering in a sense how we go about treating ourselves with the benefits of a cognitive therapy approach.

Miko, that's a great practical tool. I've been able to make something like that work in the past, but I've also found that it takes some long term vigilance. Some thought patterns don't like to go away easily, and I often find myself reverting to old ways of thinking, even after some short term success. When presented with two possible interpretations of a particular event, I find that I too often default to the one that puts me in harms way, so to speak. But I think that this is definitely an important piece of the puzzle, which is worth investing the time into.
posted by SpacemanStix at 7:48 PM on May 30

I've wondered for awhile if we can reprogram our interpretive framework a bit by learning to speak to ourselves in different ways internally. Initially it probably needs to be overly intentional, and almost stilted, until it becomes something of a habit.

That's basically exactly how it was. It was like poison, thinking those words over and over again, until I almost built up a tolerance to anything except apathy if that makes much sense. At first I really had to make myself undo the thoughts and replace them with other thoughts. Gradually, it came more naturally until it got to the point where I no longer even had to do that because it wasn't second nature to think the poison thoughts.
posted by brain cloud at 7:53 PM on May 30

I've been working on more quickly acknowledging, at least internally, though occasionally externally if it would be of benefit to observers, that something is frustrating me. This helps immensely in moving forward through the frustration and on to a goal or resolution.
posted by odinsdream at 8:08 PM on May 30

I found meditation to be very helpful. By "watching" my own thoughts drift by, I've become more aware of my own thought processes. Not every thought is a response to my immediate situation; many have roots in the past. By becoming more aware of my own thinking habits, I'm able to separate myself a bit from my thoughts and control how I respond to them.
posted by SPrintF at 8:40 PM on May 30

I realized that I let others' quirks really bother me - even inherently harmless ones like a particular way of brushing their teeth. It was making me grouchy and had really hurt my interactions with others during the phase in which I knew them well enough to notice and be bothered but before I learned to accept it.

I started trying to look at it in a different light: I should be pleased that I know people well enough, and have close enough friends, that I can identify their own little quirks. Instead of going, "Sheesh, he always orders the same food no matter where we eat out!" I think "Ah-hah, I know what he's going to order...!" and cultivate a smugly friendly feeling about that.

Don't know if that's just me.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 8:52 PM on May 30

I was introduced to cognitive therapy by this book: Feeling Good. I found it extremely helpful for identifying my bad thinking patterns and working through/around them. I haven't reread it in a few years but I remember it touching on several of the thoughts described in this thread.
posted by cadge at 9:02 PM on May 30

the person who learns how to not internalize criticism such that it eats away at them anymore, as they've learned that excessive criticism often says more about the person criticizing than the person being criticized, and what may be sometimes interpreted as criticism may actually be a desire to help.

Ah, Bullwinkle, that trick never works. Things don't eat away at you because you don't understand why they're happening. Things eat away at you because you don't understand why they eat away at you.

Wow, I impress myself. That was concise and profound, and so true I'd encourage you to read it again until it makes sense.
posted by ikkyu2 at 9:23 PM on May 30

When I have felt self-righteous against somebody because they did _____, I would notice, with some embarrassment, that I would commit the very same act some time later.

This observation alone helped me realize:

1) I am not immune to having whatever I perceive as someone else's "flaw"
2) the fact I criticize or blame them self-righteously will, strangely, make me MORE likely to commit _____ in a similar situation

I guess that alone has made me feel a lot more positive towards people, or at least more willing to try and understand them. Whenever I start feeling angry or self-righteous because somebody did X, I remember this, and will usually calm down.

I guess this is also a weirder version of the idea that we are annoyed/angered by others when they exhibit OUR negative qualities. I don't know why, but the weirder version is the one that I feel is "closer" to my experience and works for me.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 11:43 PM on May 30

A warning: I should have gone ot bed a while ago, but here I am, perusing metafilter. yes, I'm dtrunk.

I was once exteremyl jealous. LDR, lots of complications, other people, etc. It wasn't a fun time for me. I went camping by myself for a weekend and at one point as standing on a cliff above the ocean with huge eaves and huge winds buffeting me. I stood there with the world before me, churning and powerful tand glorious, and I realised that my pathetic human emotion wasn't worth a thing. against this amazingocean, thsi land, this incredible earth, what right did I have to complain about the way things were?

So (sober at the time), I decided to leave it behind. I decided to leave behind my jealously, leave behind myt pettiness and my little pains about long distance and relationships. In the long term... what does a little heartbreak matter? And it was as easy as that. I decided not to bejealous, and trhe southern winds took my jealously and I've never seen it again. Never been jealous again.

And I'm happy. I have troubles, but I never about anything as minor as that which troubled me at the time.

I think a lot of the thing that hold as back are really of our own cration.

Like drunkenness.
posted by twirlypen at 7:23 AM on May 31 [1 favorite]

I don't have time to go into the details, but I think David Burn's book, When Panic Attacks, is perfect for changing these sorts of patterns. (Terrible title, great book--CBT--Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.)

Some unhealthy stuff:
Fear of letting go and relaxing around people, being caught up in my projects and plans, anxiety about money and the future, etc., etc., etc.

Effort:
At least six hours reading the book and putting together worksheets for myself.
At least ten hours working with various anxieties and upsetting situations using the techniques in the book.

Leverage:
There is a chapter on Self-Defeating Beliefs, how to find them, and how to work with them. These are apparently at the root of a lot of surface stuff.

What I did:
A week or two ago, I spent a few hours applying the techniques to some upsetting situations and used the "Downward Arrow" technique several times to drill down to some SDBs and then worked with those. It was boring, so I took *lots* of breaks with computer in front of me and all the CBT stuff in my lap.

Changes:
You just spontaneously find yourself doing stuff that you weren't before, as if it's the most natural thing in the world. Your mileage may vary. I feel like it took a lot of practice and background randomness to be able to use the CBT stuff effectively, and it's still a work in progress. But, you just wake up subtly *different* the next morning. The only way you realize you're acting different is by actively comparing your actions to the past. It feels so natural I kept missing it the first few times I put in a lot of hours and then went to bed.

I intend to put in as many hours as I can stand over coming weeks, months, and years.
posted by zeek321 at 5:18 PM on May 31

@zeek321 - Hey, that's the same guy who wrote Feeling Good! Thanks for the tip that he's written another book on CBT. I'm going to check that out.
posted by cadge at 5:52 PM on May 31