I don't hate my job ... just you.

May 29, 2008 7:15 AM

How do I tell my work partner that I am transferring away to a new location solely because of our toxic relationship? (semi-long explanation to follow)

I work for a US aid organisation that pairs Americans with foreign nationals in their country to do humanitarian work in a specific location for a specific length of time (I'd rather not go into more detail, for the same reason that this question is anonymous--I'd like to employ as much discretion as possible). I've been at my current location for about half of my tenure, and the decision has been made between my organisation and myself that, due to severe personality issues/conflicts between myself and the foreign national I'm working with, that it would be best for my work and myself to transfer elsewhere in the country.
This is pretty much entirely due to her difficult personality. This is something that is known (but accepted) with her colleagues that I have been working with, as well as my organisation, which had severe reservations about granting her request for an American partner because of these personality issues that were evident even in the initial interview process. I'll leave out the gory details, and just say that I've done as much as I can to deal with and try to improve the situation from my end, to no avail, and it's reached the point where the relationship has become detrimental to my health, happiness, and productivity.

My organisation supports me; my worry is how to break this news to her. She is very prone to angry outbursts, and is the type of person who doesn't really listen to what her conversation partner is saying, often to the point of just cutting them off and not letting them give an explanation or even finish a sentence.
From my end, I feel like the only way I'll be able to give an explanation of where I'm coming from and why I'm doing this is in writing, either in email or letter-of-resignation form (as I suspect that the simple introductory phrase of "I'm transferring to another region" will open the floodgates of anger and judgment), but that feels rather .... cowardly. There is also the fact that, because this is coming about directly as a result of a personality issue (and the last person she worked with from our organisation also had a lot of difficulties with her, though they chose to stick it out), she will not be receiving another US partner. The location will still be eligible, but not with her as point person.

So what are some suggestions/ideas/words of wisdom for addressing this situation with a minimum of drama and blowup? Can I state what I need to state in writing, or should I "be a (hu)man", bite the bullet, and tell her in person? What are some good things to say, phrases to employ, approaches to take? We will have to work together for a couple more weeks after I inform her, and it may be another 1-2 months before all ties are severed and I've left the community for my new location.

posted by anonymous to human relations (28 comments total)

Why do you need to tell her that she's the reason you're leaving? Is it just to air your feelings? I think the least dramatic situation would be just to tell her you're transferring. If she asks why, say you were offered a great opportunity elsewhere and you wish her the best.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 7:22 AM on May 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

What S&T said. "They're transferring me -- it's been real. See ya."
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 7:27 AM on May 29, 2008 [2 favorites]

I agree with Solon and Thanks. I'm unsure as to why you need to tell her that she's difficult and that's why you're transferring. It's none of her business, frankly, why you're switching jobs and it's not your responsibility to discuss her personality problems (that would be the responsibility of her own boss).
posted by meerkatty at 7:27 AM on May 29, 2008

This is a perfect opportunity to NOT tell her why you're moving. While you may lose the satisfaction of letting her know that she's responsible for her own disappointment, you'll gain the peace of mind of not having to wrestle with her about it. Simply say that you're org is transferring you and you've enjoyed working with her thus far.
posted by OmieWise at 7:28 AM on May 29, 2008

Shouldn't your/her supervisors in the organization be involved in this? It seems logical to me that her boss should be the one to tell her that you are moving because of the bad relationship between the two of you, and that she should not expect a new partner due to these continuing problems. This has the advantage of removing you from the messenger role (as in don't shoot the messenger) and presenting it to her as a work-related problem that she needs to work on. If you have a mutual supervisor you can approach about this, ask them for help. Of course, this may not be possible, depending on the situation at your organization, but it seems like an obvious solution.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:30 AM on May 29, 2008

I'd direct anything like that to the person or people who set you up to work with her despite knowing about her personality and social problems. She most likely already knows that her behavior is bad. It's the people who excuse her behavior and allow her to continue in this position who deserve criticism in this situation. They should remove her, rather than forcing you out. Telling her off may seem more satisfying, but based on your description of her, she won't listen so it won't really accomplish anything. Maybe if you attempt a calm but critical discussion with the person or people most responsible for her remaining at the organization (and, as a result, most responsible for your leaving the organization), you can persuade them to stop putting up with her bad behavior. Of course, if they're already set on keeping her and making excuses, it may just be best to leave and not look back.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:31 AM on May 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

Not worth the time and energy. Move on. No comment necessary.
posted by ewkpates at 7:41 AM on May 29, 2008 [2 favorites]

If you are going to just tell her you're being transferred and that it's it, make sure you get your organization on the same page. If she calls them up to ask why you're leaving and they tell her that you requested it, she may get even more toxic.

Otherwise, start packing and tying up loose ends. Treat your relationship like a job and only tell her two weeks in advance. At that point, give her the transition info and ask her what else she needs to know from you. Give her a deadline for her follow-up requests. Be clear about how much of your time (and patience!) she has left and make her prioritize if she demands the moon and the stars.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:46 AM on May 29, 2008

[This is some followup from the anonymous asker.]

Thanks for the responses, everyone. A couple of clarifications:

--I would love to just say "Sorry ... didn't work out", but I can't. Since this is an issue that is likely to occur with another person, once I leave she will not be granted the opportunity to work with another US partner. This is why she needs to be told that it's because of the personality conflicts. This is what was told to me by my organisation.

--Unfortunately, this partnership isn't really overseen by a 'boss', so the only people who are available to inform her of the circumstances are me, and my organisation. Since I'm the one on the ground here, it feels pretty passive-aggressive for me to have worked with her for nearly a year and then avoid being the one to tell her I'm leaving ... esp. as I'll be here for at least another month, and have to work with her for another couple of weeks.

--Since I'm a foreigner who was brought to her community to assist, it's not an option to axe her and keep me.
posted by cortex at 7:50 AM on May 29, 2008

N-thing that it's not necessary for you to give her any explanation unless you have a personal need to unload your resentment. She's the company's problem, not yours, right? Let them take care of it, that's why the bosses get paid more.

Useful obfuscatory phrases:
personal reasons
interesting opportunity

If she presses you:
sorry, but I prefer not to discuss my personal life at work
posted by prefpara at 7:50 AM on May 29, 2008

This is why she needs to be told that it's because of the personality conflicts. This is what was told to me by my organisation.

If they care so much that this woman knowing about her personality issues, they should tell her, not you. Stand your ground and tell them this is their responsibility, because it is.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:54 AM on May 29, 2008 [7 favorites]

--I would love to just say "Sorry ... didn't work out", but I can't. Since this is an issue that is likely to occur with another person, once I leave she will not be granted the opportunity to work with another US partner. This is why she needs to be told that it's because of the personality conflicts. This is what was told to me by my organisation.

You should tell her you're leaving. It should be your organization's responsibility to let her know she won't be assigned any more partners and perhaps why. Anything else is just asking for trouble.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 7:55 AM on May 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

Since this is an issue that is likely to occur with another person, once I leave she will not be granted the opportunity to work with another US partner. This is why she needs to be told that it's because of the personality conflicts. This is what was told to me by my organisation.

If they've explicitly told you to inform her that she won't be working with another US Partner, that sucks for you. Is it really not an option for someone else at the organization to give her that info, by phone or letter?

Well, if it's really all you, then I second the idea of putting it off and telling her two weeks before your departure. How you frame it depends on the context. Is there another person with whom your replacement will be partnered? Can you frame it like the organization wants to parnter with multiple people in the community for whatever reason (more learning, more experience)?
posted by prefpara at 7:55 AM on May 29, 2008

If you really feel an obligation to tell her, just flat-out tell her.

you: "I am transferring to a different location"
her: "Why?"
you: "Because you are extremely difficult to work with. It's gotten in the way of me doing my job and even affected my personal life."
her: "@#$@#^$%$&%^@"
you: "That's a perfect example of what I'm talking about."
posted by adamrice at 8:08 AM on May 29, 2008 [17 favorites]

Normally, I would suggest like everyone else that you just leave with a minimum of explanation. However, I can see that you feel you have to say something, especially as you're the only local point of contact for your organisation.

In that case - as you can't control the other person's anger - there's little you can do except say your piece tersely but firmly. There is a confrontation / negotiation technique called "the 3 As" which might help you. Although I can't remember what the 'A's stand for, it goes something like this:

1) State your position, firmly and without insulting or denigrating your subject.
2) Acknowledge what they say. This doesn't mean agreeing with them or giving way, just saying that you hear what they are saying. ("I understand that you think ...")
3) State that you'll just have to agree to disagree. ("Nonetheless, I think otherwise. We're are just going to have to ...")

You may have to cycle through this a few times, but by doing this and refusing to escalate any tirade, it should run its course faster.
posted by outlier at 8:15 AM on May 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

They will still have to deal with her and because of that, don't want to be the ones to piss her off, since that is what happens when people are told they are the problem.

Why are you being asked to comment to her on a historical problem that preceded you and will remain after you are gone?


Also, how do they expect you to have this sort of difficult conversation with her when it sounds like you can't even do basic work together.
posted by whoda at 8:19 AM on May 29, 2008

Just as a slight counterpoint to existing opinions, you may feel more comfortable when looking back at this experience years later if you do "denigrate your subject." I know there are occasionally experiences where I look back and I wish I hadn't been nicely mature and civilized about it. It might be worth the two weeks of hell that would follow.
posted by WCityMike at 8:19 AM on May 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

What does it matter if she gets angry, unless you fear physical harm? Her anger is hers to deal with. You are leaving anyway; if she starts to call you names or whatever she does, just walk away from the conversation. I like outlier's and adamrice's approaches.
posted by desjardins at 8:23 AM on May 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

Baring some local politics, which you can't get into, this is really the organization's problem and this should not be coming from you.

That said, if do you think she needs to be told by you, for whatever reason, then I think you need to throw her off balance somehow, such as giving her a small gift as token of your time together. Write a letter fully describing the reasons you're leaving. Then tell her in person, keeping it short. Give her the letter and gift at that point, or simply leave them for her.

As for the gift, since it's a woman, I would suggest soap in a scent she likes, because it's something that lasts a while and she'd be reminded of the conversation and what was said at private, relaxed moments. This may allow her to do a bit of self reflection and let what you say sink in. Obviously the gift may vary depending on what you know of her and the local customs, but the point is to give her something that she'll want to keep, is useful to her, can't be completely used up immediately and something that she'll have to use fairly often.

Also, don't simply walk away. Contact her in a few weeks or months to see how she's doing. Don't bring up the reasons why you left or look for some confirmation that she's changed. Just say hi and see how her life generally is going.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:32 AM on May 29, 2008

'I am leaving for country X in X weeks. After my yearly review and other comments, organization X has decided that your department in town X in country X isn't going to continue using program X partnerships. As you know, one of the requirements of this program is a cooperative work environment. As this department has not demonstrated a cooperative work environment, a replacement partner will not be placed. I'm sure you'll continue doing work as you have been. Good luck to you.'
posted by k8t at 9:03 AM on May 29, 2008 [2 favorites]

This is the organization's problem, not yours, no matter what they're saying. Just say you're being transferred and thanks for all the fish. Full stop.

Repeat: explanations are NOT your responsibility.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:19 AM on May 29, 2008

I've got to agree with the overwhelming line of thought saying that the organization should break the news as to why you're leaving. k8t has a great letter they could use.

Get the company to send the news, or at least have it on company letterhead without a name.
posted by theichibun at 9:31 AM on May 29, 2008

you: I'll be leaving on x date to go to this other post.
she: Why?
you: That's something you can talk about with (particular person) at my organization.
she: There must be something you can tell me!?
you: (with note of finality) It's more appropriate for you to ask that other person.
she: Are they sending someone to replace you?
you: Please discuss it with them.

If you tell her in writing about your impending departure: "Ms. Z at my organization can answer whatever questions you may have."
posted by wryly at 10:22 AM on May 29, 2008

I think everyone is missing something important here: Anonymous' organization is likely Peace Corps or some other similar organizations where locally based organizations/partners get a volunteer/facilitator from the states.

And Anon moving to another region is going to have a direct impact on her partner and, likely, her livelihood: she will no longer get to be the point person for American partners sent to her city/region.

For that reason, Anon is going to have to say something to this person and she will know that Anon is at least partially responsible for her no longer getting to be the point person for this organization in this area.

I would approach this as analytically as possible, treating this like a learning part of your job. As late as possible (could you wait until the day before you leave rather than 2 weeks before you leave) ask if you guys can talk about something serious. Do it at the office. Sit at your desks if at all possible - having a bit of distance may help establish a bit of a boundary between you two. Tell her calmly what the situation is and what you're doing about it. Don't whitewash it - be honest. This may impact her future career possibilities and while she may not be in a place to listen and HEAR what you say now, she may be able to reflect on it in the future.

You may not owe it to her to give her this honesty, but it is a kind thing to do, even if she gets really mad or is upset about it right now.

If she tries to interrupt, firmly tell her, "Please let me finish talking." If she gets angry and won't stop talking, stand up and announce that you don't think you can finish your conversation until she calms down. If she doesn't shut up, turn around and leave the office.

Come back after ten minutes and offer to resume the conversation if she can control her conversation. Repeat this tactic as necessary.

When you've finished telling her what she needs to know (impacts on her as well as why it is happening) calmly ask if she wants to say anything.

If she starts ranting tell her that you'd be happy to talk to her about her feelings but only when she is able to be calm about it. If she continues, just leave and tell her you'll talk in the morning.

The really important thing here is not letting her emotion/anger/lack of boundaries affect you too much. It will be difficult but you just need to leave whenever she starts getting angry establishing distance and boundaries and consequences for her inappropriateness.

Good luck with your future posting - I'm glad you are taking care of yourself by getting out of this toxic situation.
posted by arnicae at 10:37 AM on May 29, 2008 [4 favorites]

Is there any way you can say, write a letter and leave it with her on your last day? Because man, I would NOT want to be there in person dropping that bomb face to face (and still having to work with her) if it is at all avoidable.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:40 AM on May 29, 2008

Seconding jenfullmoon, writing a letter is a perfect medium in this case, where you want distance and need no feedback from her. Carbon copy one to her organization if you think it'll help them. Beyond that, you don't owe her or her organization to improve this person. You are not doing too well yourself. When walking through hell, walk faster !
posted by curiousZ at 11:06 AM on May 29, 2008

I definitely agree with these suggestions:

1. Wait as long as possible to tell her.
2. Tell her honestly, as adamrice suggested, and when she goes ballistic, point to that reaction as a perfect example of what you were talking about. Talk about social justice. Wow. I just love this suggestion.
3. Rely also on arnicae's advice to draw lines about how you will converse with her, not just about this topic, but all topics in the future.

Oh, and I would definitely not buy her soap.

You: I'm transferring to a different location because I can't work with you. Here's some scented soap.
Her: I stink? Literally? Is that what you're telling me?
You: [back-peddling] No, it's not that. It's that you're a psychotic bitch. Honestly, it's not that you smell bad.
posted by Capri at 2:03 PM on May 29, 2008

re: soap. I've seen the soap gift totally fail here in Armenia. People get offended by such a gesture.
posted by k8t at 6:17 AM on May 30, 2008