Should I tell her now?

May 27, 2008 4:27 PM

I have a crush on her filter: Do I tell her now?

I've liked this girl for awhile (read: really like). She lives far but recently came to visit for a friends wedding. We spent some time together but didn't get a chance to be alone at all.

She's gone now but here's the catch, she's moving here within the next few months. I really want to tell her that I like her but don't know if I should wait for her to move here or do it before. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable if the feelings she has aren't the same, it could be really awkward for her. I'm basically her main friend here and we would spend time together when she does come, so I don't want to screw that up.

I guess if she likes me, it doesn't matter what I say, and if she doesn't like me, it doesn't matter what I say.

Should I give her a random phone call now and tell her that I dig her? or wait until she moves to make my move.

Let me have it (any advice, not just specific to this, is helpful!)

posted by anonymous to human relations (27 comments total)

i think you should call and stay in touch with her before she moves out here.

but don't tell her you have a crush on her. wait till she's moved here. hang out with her. get a feel for how she's feeling. then if you feel you still want to tell her then, do so.
posted by violetk at 4:32 PM on May 27

Look, I think you should wait until she's settled. She likely has enough on her mind as is. Offer to help her move in, talk and laugh and be merry, and then go "Phew, that was hard work, want to go grab a bite to eat?"

Let things flow naturally from that. But I think you should be her friend foremost.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:41 PM on May 27

I'd wait. Like you said, you'll be hanging out with her once she gets here and you'll be able to 'make your move' (so to speak) much more easily and less awkwardly. I'm sure you'll get advice all over the board here, but to me it would seem weird if someone in the town I was planning on moving to called me out of the blue and said they wanted to be more than friends. You're better off waiting and letting something naturally develop when you're seeing each other anyway, rather than calling and making it seem like you're counting the days until she arrives.

Pursuing crushes can be tricky because people tend to lose perspective, but I think you should play this cool in the meantime.
posted by rooftop secrets at 4:43 PM on May 27

Should I give her a random phone call now and tell her that I dig her?

No way. That totally blows all the awesome, sexy energy building up between the two of you. Poof, gone. Keep in touch, call her, e-mail her, set up dates once she's in town, let thigns flow. Much more fun.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:46 PM on May 27 [4 favorites]

Play it cool. When she's in town, she'll be looking to you as her "show me the town" guy.
posted by fantasticninety at 4:49 PM on May 27

Don't tell somebody you "like them" for the first over the phone. Or over the internets. If your whole point is to get your feelings off your chest, you won't be doing her any favors.

In person, man.
posted by jabberjaw at 4:54 PM on May 27

I would wait, too. A good while past her arrival, IMHO. In the mean time try going out on alot dates. Keep active and try not to invest too much time thinking about her. Too much rumination will put a lot of pressure on the friendship to become more. You wont even know that you are doing it, but it will come up in subtle ways. I speak from experience (sigh).

At the risk of sounding cynical, you might google the interwebs on "the ladder theory." It explains why relationships between men and women, more often than not, do not get past friendship to romance.

Anywho, good luck and keep active.
posted by MiggySawdust at 5:03 PM on May 27

Wait. Hang out, spend time together, show her around town, be generally awesome. By then, you should get a idea of whether she likes you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:11 PM on May 27

Don't tell somebody you "like them" for the first over the phone

I would amend this to "Don't tell somebody you 'like them'", period.

All that does is dump a bunch of pressure on her to think of a response.

Wait til she gets there, then ask her to hang out. That, and the way you act when you do hang out, will show her you like her.

you might google the interwebs on "the ladder theory."
No.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:18 PM on May 27 [2 favorites]

Yeah, you do want to avoid the pre-move declaration. If I were moving to, say, Fairbanks, and a good friend who already lived there made this sort of confession beforehand, I would neurotically start to think, "Oh geez, now if I move there, am I sending a particular message about reciprocating when I may or may not want to? Or did I inadvertently already send a message that I'm moving there because of this person when I'm not, and now (s)he thinks (s)he has to be into me and make this gesture?"

Then I'd lie awake at night for roughly 3 months worrying that I'd totally fuck up the friendship. And so it would weird things out even if I did madly like the person. Your friend is probably markedly less loony than I, hence the crush, but I still vote for letting things take a more natural course.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:29 PM on May 27 [2 favorites]

Random phone call telling her that you're into her romantically = awkwardness-bomb that's going to put her on the spot and is not likely to end in the result you want.

Instead, I'd recommend just staying in touch for now and then once she moves, flirting with her. If you flirt, you’ll know soon enough whether you’ve caught yourself a new romance, or just a new friend. And there's no big speech required.
posted by dyslexictraveler at 5:30 PM on May 27

You should totally be calling her (and/or emailing, texting, sending her local stuff that you know she will like, etc). Don't be a big doofus and stammer how you like her, but also don't disappear from her life. Stay in touch, be fun, be happy, make her happy. I think some of the advice above is going too far in the "play it cool" direction -- sometimes it's ok to take a little bit of a risk, be in contact with someone, expose yourself a little.

So: Don't be a creepy stalker. Do take a hint. But don't be so cool that she gets the message you aren't into her. Be friendly, be in touch. Make her smile.
posted by Forktine at 5:31 PM on May 27 [1 favorite]

You should keep in touch and keep the dialogue going, but I agree with everyone else in that you should *not* tell her you like her yet. Make a move in person. You can also better feel out the right moment better in person.
posted by fructose at 5:40 PM on May 27

I'm big on the 'I'm looking forward to you moving here' and then letting her get to know you at her own pace. Think of it as a two way street. You let her get to know you, and she'll let you get to know her.

You can be open that you like here, just not that you like her. That's just spooky.

Good luck (and not in the sarcastic way).
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 6:00 PM on May 27

i would get in touch with her, offer to show her around/answer questions, and be sure to invite her out a few times and introduce her to people as soon as she arrives. the rest will probably happen naturally.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:00 PM on May 27

>I guess if she likes me, it doesn't matter what I say, and if she doesn't like me, it doesn't matter what I say.

This is mostly correct. But there is also that middle ground where she's not sure, so you dont want to make her unecessarily uncomfortable by 'announcing' your intentions (and thereby objectifying your relationship with her). "Like" in general is a subjective experience. Let her stroll into it on her own by being there for her in clever ways, and if she likes you, you will know it, you can bet on that. If you dont feel it from her, then you were right not to make a move anyway. Announcing it wont change anything and may make it worse. Let it happen if its going to happen. Else move on.
posted by jak68 at 7:15 PM on May 27

I agree with everybody else that telling her now - at a distance, via phone or email etc - would short circuit the natural development of interest & tension. Maintain a low level of contact & let things develop naturally.

And whatever you do, do *not* tell her that you have a crush on her filter. Girls like to believe that you like the entire package.

Good luck!
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:22 PM on May 27

Just hang out with her when she shows up. If things go well you'll have easy opportunities to bring up your feelings. I don't understand why you would bother telling her now, to be honest. Is it just that you feel some anxiety about it? If so, just be patient.
posted by Nattie at 12:14 AM on May 28

you might google the interwebs on "the ladder theory."

Please, please do not do this. The ladder theory is an immature, intellectually deficient piece of garbage made up by an admittedly bitter guy who wants to think every single human being thinks in exactly the same way. I have personally only EVER dated guys who were my friends for years prior, guys I never thought about dating one way or the other. If for some reason I broke up with my fiance I wouldn't rule any of my current friends out. To the contrary, I would almost certainly not date someone if I hadn't known them for years. I'm not the only person I know like this, either.

The ladder theory guy would just say I was lying. After all, if he were to believe everyone who criticizes him, it might mean he was wrong about something. It might mean other people actually don't think in the same ways and value the same things he does, and that's too hard to think about! The world is too horrifyingly complex for him to endure if it doesn't conform to his pet theory. You can look at his answers to criticism page to see that. You can also observe how he's propped himself up on the theory because it makes him feel intelligent. If I recall, he started the page when he was in college. Normally people change a lot during those years, hopefully for the better. He apparently didn't, though, and I honestly think it's because he convinced himself ladder theory is right. If everyone else is wrong, and it's women's fault when they don't want to date him, why should he change?

Also, you really don't want to turn into one of those guys who thinks the ladder theory is the holy grail. I was friends with one guy who found that website at the beginning of college, and he degenerated into this neurotic, unbearably bitter piece of crap person. It was all he talked about; it was a way for him to blame women for his lack of dates when the reality is NO ONE wants to date someone as hateful and arrogant as he is. Don't get me wrong, lots of stuff made him that way other than ladder theory. But it's a palliative for guys to reassure themselves the problem is in the women they're pursuing, rather than themselves. They go on believing a nice little lie rather than actually finding ways to address their problems.

I had to just quit talking to him and two other guys from the same group of friends who turned into bitter people as well. ALL of these guys had the same problem, that no one wanted to date them because they were too negative and angry and arrogant, and all of them latched onto the teat of ladder theory instead of trying to be better people. Didn't work out very well for them.

The ladder theory doesn't explain why some friendships don't become romances at all. Women usually don't want to date their male friends for the same reasons they might not want to date anyone: they just aren't attracted to them, or they have personality issues that are unattractive enough to prevent a relationship but not friendship, or they have enough in common to be friends but not enough to be in a relationship, etc. It's not that women stick a guy in a mental category, and then, oh no, they're too stupid to ever think of him in a different way! Durrr, what a bitch!
posted by Nattie at 12:43 AM on May 28 [5 favorites]

UbuRoivas: well played. I did quite a spit-take.

N'thing everyone else. You wouldn't end a relationship over the phone, would you? Why would you think that starting one over the phone would go over any better?

Anonymous, you're correct when you write that anything you say won't matter. It's the things you do that will matter. So why not let her guess? Don't tell her at all. A touch on the arm, a friendly embrace, the way you look at her. Let her add things up for herself--everyone likes to feel smart, to discover things for themselves. It's like a first kiss: telling her beforehand spoils the fun.
posted by gentilknight at 3:50 AM on May 28

Put it all on hold until she gets to where you are at. Get to know her first. Assume that right now you like an image of her and find out if she at all matches that image before deciding how you feel about her.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:02 AM on May 28

Don't say that you "like" her or that you "have a crush" on her, ask the woman out on a date.

If someone told me that and didn't ask me out or make some obvious move, I would assume that they meant "I have a crush on you, but I am too immature/timid/busy/unsingle to date you, so whenever you get a chance, come over and we'll have sex."
posted by sondrialiac at 10:04 AM on May 28

Action speaks louder than words, and in your case, words may actually sabotage your budding relationship. What does "I dig you" accomplish anyway, except to create a hyper vigilant, high pressure environment? Are you sure you are the type that strive on pressure? Saying "I dig you" before meeting her is equivalent to sending your battle plan to the enemy before firing the first shot; it attaches intentions to your actions and that intention is not as flattering to her as you think.

Simply plan to be with her. You will improve your chances if you can reconnoiter and find activities you both enjoy. Then flirt. Flirt = playful banter with romantic/sexual undertone. If she is into it, she will play along. Flirting also attaches intentions to your actions, but it's better because: 1. it's happens as you are doing the activity with her; 2. it is riskier and thus makes you more vulnerable than a declaration behind a long distance phonecall. If you want the relationship, you have to take risk, and the more risk you take, the more commitment you show. 3. It allows her to respond and you to see the response and act upon it. Nothing is quite disappointing as knowing something and can't act on it.

So, go spend your frustrated energy on planning the dates. If it works out, buy me a beer and we'll call it even.
posted by curiousZ at 12:09 PM on May 28

Nattie, I wouldn't dismiss the ladder theory out of hand. Your objections are mostly personal; which is to say, you don't like the people who subscribed to the said theory, and the way they misuse it to excuse their bad manners. While there will always be people with bad manners, and these will use all and any tools to excuse their lack of success, a theory is just a theory, and I've found this theory does help me understand some situations in my past experience.

My application of the ladder theory is simply: First impression matters, and be honest. If you like a girl, let her know. Don't disguise romantic intention as friendship; and don't be surprise if your object of desire reacts poorly when you reveal your hidden motive after pretending to be her friend for so long. To be sure, certain women lack integrity too. They happily string a man along under the guise of friendship, taking advantage of his love sickness. This is a waste of time; so it's better if you recognize this situation (via this theory or just common sense) and get out ASAP. Men and women can be friends. But friends don't take advantage of friends. If you want to commingle more, better state the terms up front.
posted by curiousZ at 12:43 PM on May 28

My application of the ladder theory is simply: First impression matters, and be honest. If you like a girl, let her know. Don't disguise romantic intention as friendship; and don't be surprise if your object of desire reacts poorly when you reveal your hidden motive after pretending to be her friend for so long. To be sure, certain women lack integrity too. They happily string a man along under the guise of friendship, taking advantage of his love sickness. This is a waste of time; so it's better if you recognize this situation (via this theory or just common sense) and get out ASAP. Men and women can be friends. But friends don't take advantage of friends. If you want to commingle more, better state the terms up front.

That so reads like a forgotten fifth verse to Nada Surf's song Popular.
posted by fantasticninety at 2:03 PM on May 28

@curiousZ: Your application of it sounds fine -- and the way you put it, that's good advice to give the OP -- but that's not really much to do with Ladder Theory anymore so much as your exercising common sense. Plus, that advice applies to anyone, man or woman.

Ladder Theory as it's presented is absolute and unreasonable, and it portrays women negatively. Not to mention it's just some random college guy making a big deal out of his anecdotal experiences with women that reflect more on his personality more than anything; there's nothing reliable about it. It is also partly a joke.

Basically, I think it makes much more sense for someone in an AskMeFi thread to say what you just said, rather than tell someone to look at Ladder Theory. To tell someone to look at Ladder Theory and in hopes they'll get that out of it is like telling them to read Ann Coulter to understand the Middle East. If you squint, give it a generous reading, and then throw most of it out... sure, you might be able to come up with something helpful, but it no longer has anything to do with its original source.
posted by Nattie at 10:03 PM on May 28

Late to the party, but keep in mind that once she settles in, and you really get to know each other better, you may realize that you're actually better off as friends, and you'll be glad you avoided all the awkwardness of a pre-emptive confession. There may be differences in personality or lifestyles that would result in a less-than-ideal relationship, as perfect as the thought of the two of you may be right now. Get to know her better, a lot better, and take it slow. Just be friends first. She's not bound for a tour with the Peace Corps (and you're not transferring to Stamford) so there's no real rush. And if you find yourself getting caught up in a moment where you want to confess, think about the consequences before your emotions make you say something you'll regret later.

...Now, if she ends up going out with some other guy after a few weeks, then that'll be another issue. But I guess you could always come back here for more advice.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 3:49 AM on June 1