Should I help out my neighbor even though her kid is a snot?

May 27, 2008 1:08 PM

Plate of beans in the carpool lane: Help me head off summer mama drama.

My teen daughter is a counselor at a half-day camp during the summer, along with a classmate from the neighborhood. Last year, the girl's mother shared carpool with us; Other Mom drove the girls to camp in the morning and Mr. Darling picked them up at midday.

My daughter doesn't want us to carpool this summer. Other Mom was always running behind schedule and got them to work late every morning, which does not fly with my time-sensitive child who prefers to be 15 minutes early for everything.

On top of that, while the girls were not particularly close to begin with, their relationship became even more strained over the school year and they generally do not even speak to each other.

Lately, Other Daughter has started asking mine if she is going to work at the camp this summer, presumably setting the stage for carpooling again.

But here's my dilemma: While I don't particularly like the child, I have nothing against her parents. We're doing them a favor by bringing their kid home at midday, rather than making her wait around until 6:00 when her parents can pick her up. But their kid is kind of a snot, and in a strange way I feel like I'm punishing my own daughter by making her spend extra time every day with someone she doesn't like. [We've already determined that one of us will drive her to camp/work in the morning this year so she can get there sufficiently early.]

So if you were me, what would you say when Other Mom calls to ask if we can carpool?

posted by Sweetie Darling to human relations (11 comments total)

I would say that you and Mr. Darling have decided to drive her yourselves, you in the morning and he in the afternoon, in order to have special one-on-one time with her. She'll soon be out of the house, and you feel each moment is precious. Well up a bit.
posted by frumious bandersnatch at 1:15 PM on May 27, 2008 [9 favorites has favorites]

I would let the girls decide. They're teenagers and capable of handling who will drive with who. If your daughter doesn't mind sitting next to the girl and giving her a lift home in the afternoon, that would be nice. If the neighbor girl is genuinely mean and "snotty" then your daughter probably won't be having this conversation with the neighbor girl. If the neighbor girl asks for a ride home in the afternoons your daughter can refuse of oblige.

I'm reading a great parenting book and one of the main points is letting our children handle things like this, when appropriate. This is something she can handle.

If the parents call you can say something like, "Hi neighbor. Sally was going to talk with Suzie about that. She hasn't told me their plans."

Also, try to give the "snotty" girl the benefit of the doubt if she is not nasty or rude to your daughter. If her parents are good people, their daughter probably is as well. Ultimately, it's your daughter's decision if she wants to ride home with the neighbor girl. Your daughter knows what this girl is like and if she is worth shunning from afternoon rides home. Mornings are a no-brainer. There is no need to explain or make excuses why you are taking your daughter to work in the mornings.
posted by LoriFLA at 1:35 PM on May 27, 2008

I think one of life's realities is that it's acceptable to be less than perfectly pleased with one's circumstances. Carpooling is a huge environmental benefit. <aking someone wait for hours, to avoid traveling with them? unless that person is really offensive, the right thing to do is to be tolerant. Teach your child to ask herself "What's the right thing to do?" and then do the right thing.
posted by theora55 at 3:01 PM on May 27, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Seconding theora55.

Gas is expensive. Plus, in college I was assigned to many projects with people that I disliked. Day camps are generally small, so she miss out on an awkward/late drive, but she'll still have to deal with her ex-carpool buddy on a daily basis. I think that you should have a serious cost/benefit analysis of the whole situation. Does she realize the burden that she is putting on you and her father? Worst case, just wear head phones in the back and fall asleep.
posted by JimmyJames at 3:13 PM on May 27, 2008

I would expect the family to be (sort of understandably) upset if you don't carpool this year. They'll know you're driving your daughter home at lunchtime, so it'll be obvious that you'd rather leave theirs waiting another six hours than have her in the car on a trip you're making anyway. I understanding wanting to be on your kid's side, but I think she'll get it if you spell out to her why it's an obligation.
posted by crabintheocean at 4:02 PM on May 27, 2008

carpool. it's environmentally friendlier and kinder all around. it'll be an object lesson in responsibility, and maybe snotty girl will learn a thing or two.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:06 PM on May 27, 2008

So if you were me, what would you say when Other Mom calls to ask if we can carpool?

If you don't want to carpool, just say that you've decided not to do it this year. You don't owe these people an explanation.

It seems that you don't particularly want to carpool, so don't do it. You're not responsible for this other girl and how she gets to and from wherever she needs to get, her parents are. If there's no benefit to yourself (financial, a feeling of goodwill, etc), then don't do it.
posted by Solomon at 4:33 PM on May 27, 2008

There are two separate decisions here: Whether the girls ride together, and whether the other mother drives.

I wouldn't keep using a carpool driver who gets me to work late. If I wouldn't do it myself, I wouldn't tell my child s/he's wrong for not wanting to keep using that driver. Whether I am able to fill in is another question, but I'd do it if it wasn't a problem.

But there's no reason carpool passengers have to be friends with one another. If the other girl is bullying your daughter or something, then I wouldn't give her a ride, but if they're just not buddies then I'd say you're just passengers on the same bus.

So, if you're willing to give your daughter a ride both ways then I don't see any reason in your post to not give the other girl a lift too. You can just tell the other mother something like this is the arrangement that works best for you and your schedule, or something like that (no details required). Maybe they can pitch in for gas a bit or something.
posted by winston at 4:40 PM on May 27, 2008

Take the girl both ways. What's the big deal? Ask the parents for some gas money once in a while if you really feel put out.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 4:45 PM on May 27, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

It sounds as if this issue had truly become a source of stress for you and your family. It also sounds that the real reason for your stress is that you do not want to be unkind to the other family involved. But perhaps you should consider that this might be one of the times when your daughter needs for you to take her side.

She will not be with you very long...they are gone before you know it. In the end, you might feel better knowing that you at least were able to eliminate one of the many stressors in a teenage girl's life. Occassionally a parent has a chance to be a hero to her/his child. They should try to recognize these times and be the hero whenever they can. Best of luck.
posted by boots77 at 10:17 PM on May 27, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

How would you feel if the situation were reversed and your neighbours were leaving your daughter sitting around for six hours because they couldn't be arsed with her on a short car ride?

Yeah, I thought so. You know what to do.
posted by Jakey at 3:23 AM on May 28, 2008