How do I gracefully put people at ease who I have met very briefly before but most probably do not remember me when I meet them the second time?

May 25, 2008 3:00 PM

How do I gracefully put people at ease who I have met very briefly before but most probably do not remember me when I meet them the second time?

In general, I don't meet a whole lot of new people, so of the new people I do meet, I always remember meeting them.

Lately, the new people I have been meeting lately are generally people who meet lots of people, and the initial meeting consists of a very brief and meaningless exchange along the lines of "Hi, pleased to meet you."

Upon the second meeting, most of them don't remember me, and I really don't care if they do.

At first, I just told the truth and said yeah we met before when asked if we'd met before. This has the advantage of being the truth, but it also kinda seems like I'm pointing out the fact that we met which makes people seem to feel to need to remember our initial meeting, when I really could care less if they do.

So then I tried lying, and saying no we haven't met before, assuming that the person won't remember me. But then, sometimes a third person might remember us meeting and point it out, which again makes the first person again feel a need to remember me. Also in a few cases, the person might have a faint recollection of having seen my face before, so they don't play along with the lie and once again feel a need to remember me.

What should I say exactly when meeting a person a second time who probably doesn't remember me that doesn't make that person feel somewhat ill at ease at not having remembered me?

posted by realpseudonym to human relations (11 comments total)

"Hi, I think we met before, briefly. I'm "
posted by Loto at 3:15 PM on May 25, 2008

Hrm...

"I'm insert_name_here"
posted by Loto at 3:15 PM on May 25, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

In the south, we use the multi-functional "nice to see you" rather than "nice to meet you." That way if we've met before and one of us doesn't remember, it doesn't become the focus of chit-chat, and we can move on to other subjects pretty rapidly.
posted by pomegranate at 3:16 PM on May 25, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

"Oh... hi, I'm Realpseudonym, nice to meet you! You know... you seem familiar. I'm not sure but we may have met a few weeks ago at Elton John's Oscar party. Cher introduced us, I think."

Say this with a "maybe-I'm-wrong" attitude. Giving them a few details might jar their memory, but being a little unsure gets them off the hook better than insisting you have met.
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 3:20 PM on May 25, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

If you know where you met them first, it's nice to say something about that. "Oh, weren't you at the Book Expo a few weeks ago? I think we met just very briefly there. Good to see you again, I'm Joe Bloggs. (shake) So did you enjoy the rest of the Expo?" or whatever.
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:18 PM on May 25, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

"Hi! I don't know if you remember me; we met at [location] a couple of weeks ago..."

It tells them that you don't necessarily expect them to remember you, while also jogging their memory to prevent possible embarrassment on both sides. And if they do remember you, it instantly opens up "sure, I remember you; how have you been/oh, you're so-and-so's friend, right/that was a great party, huh?".
posted by greenie2600 at 4:40 PM on May 25, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yep, I agree with everyone else, the trick is to lead with the "Hi" and then immediately follow with "we've met before at blah-blah". I think that gives them the opportunity to either a. lie if they want to, and pretend they remember or b. be honest and say they don't or c. nod knowingly and then get on with the conversation. I maintain the vain hope that reminding people that we've met before might help them to remember me next time, but I don't know if this is true.

This happens to me a lot, where I meet someone I've met before and remember I've met them. I think it's because I have a good memory for faces, although it could be that I'm easily forgettable!
posted by ranglin at 5:57 PM on May 25, 2008

This happens to me a lot because I remember pretty much every single person I've ever met and most people aren't like that. Or maybe I'm exceptionally unremarkable, haha. The only person I awkwardly did not remember meeting nor the name of was a person with the same first name as me. Oops. Anyway, I do the whole "hmm, I think we met at __" thing so I don't sound too pushy about it, but don't have to lie about not remembering.
posted by fructose at 7:56 PM on May 25, 2008

I don't know if this will definitely help you out, but in Australia, calling people mate, matey etc, is very acceptable and so, when I find myself in the same situation, I just go to the "Hey Mate." methodology to help with my memory loss, and while my memory processes are computing the persons memories for me and hopefully arrive in time with their name.


posted by smartcookie at 11:34 PM on May 25, 2008

Sometimes I use something like, "Steve was just reminding me that you and I met at XY," because that too helps jog their memory about the prior event and any associates you have in common, without making them feel bad that you remember them while they have forgotten you.
posted by xo at 6:46 AM on May 26, 2008

I'm on the other side of this a lot, because I meet thousands of people a year at different events and can only remember a few hundred or so. I feel terrible about, it but the nicest people combine the suggestions above with some real sense of context -- "we talked about such-and-such at this particular event". Typically, that's enough to jog my brain, and I can usually catch up and not feel terrible about it.

As someone who often feels terrible for not remembering, it's great to hear that it's just as awkward on the other side. And rest assured (for me at least), it's not a measure at all of how remarkable or interesting you are, so much as how busy a particular event is, how much sleep I've been getting and/or how much travel I've been doing, and whatever other stresses are going on. The only people anyone is sure to remember are the super-annoying ones, so if it slips someone's mind, take comfort in the fact that you are clearly not annoying. :)
posted by anildash at 7:54 PM on May 26, 2008