Should she stay or go?

May 24, 2008 7:31 PM

My wife has a friend from college (about 20 years ago) with whom she wants to sever relations. Nothing major happened; she just finds the friendship more stressful than it's worth.

She (my wife) has ignored her friend's last two phone messages and repeated e-mails, and has recently gotten the "I'm worried about you, are you okay?" e-mail. She's quite conflicted about how to handle this. She doesn't want her friend to worry, but also doesn't want to backtrack on ending the friendship. Would it be best to just tell her friend that she doesn't want to keep in touch anymore, or is that unnecessarily cruel? Or does she just not respond and risk her friend worrying?

posted by yalestar to human relations (20 comments total)

A series of white lies about how busy she is with work/whatever. If this doesn't work, you can go the explicit route, but the white lies are good enough for most people to stop trying.

Just not responding is much more cruel than either the white lies or the explicit severing would be.
posted by gerryblog at 7:39 PM on May 24, 2008

If you've been friends with someone for twenty years you can't just fade out of their life by not answering their calls.

As someone who can't take a hint, she might have to grow a pair and tell the friend she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I certainly would be thinking "Man, is she okay?" right now rather than "Man, I guess this means she doesn't want to be friends." I mean, I never answer my phone messages. To me that would mean nothing at all.
posted by crinklebat at 7:52 PM on May 24, 2008

She really should say something, even if it's another white lie like "I have too much going on right now. I'm fine, but I'm not going to be able to stay in touch like I used to." It's still kind of shitty, but at least the friend won't be left wondering. Any reason she can't be tactfully honest with the friend?
posted by boomchicka at 8:08 PM on May 24, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

A two sentence reply to the email: "I am fine. Everything is ok."
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:20 PM on May 24, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think it depends on how much this stressful friend is around. If she doesn't have to see or talk to the friend that often, it may be best to tell a few white lies as gerryblog has mentioned.

Be nice and write her an email that says something like:

I profusely apologize for not getting back with you. I have not been answering any email or checking my phone messages because I've been preoccupied and crazy-busy. All is well here. I hope you are doing well. I hope you're having a good Memorial weekend.

If you don't see or hear from her that often a little note like the one above is a way to tell her that you aren't mad, or ill, or lying in a ditch somewhere. You reached out in a cordial way and hopefully this bit of niceness will keep her at bay. She won't be as desperate to call and email so much.

If she calls don't answer. Write an email and give an excuse like: We've been turning off the ringer since we are into this new PBS miniseries; we've been out; we've taken up walking in the evenings, etc.

Be polite, keep it short, don't invite, and don't accept invitations. She'll soon realize that your wife isn't available. She won't even think poorly of your wife, she'll probably just think she's in her own little world at the moment.

If she lives in your town or runs in your same circle socials that could be a trickier problem, but I think the above tactics could still work.
posted by LoriFLA at 8:24 PM on May 24, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

You have no need to apologize. You are human. Do it. it's over. That's it. sayonara!
posted by parmanparman at 9:09 PM on May 24, 2008

Can she confront the friend about whatever aspects of the friendship are stressful? (Of course, maybe she has and that hasn't worked.) I don't know if the problem is what the friend wants to talk about (constant personal drama?) or the way the friend relates to your wife (picking fights? annoying personality?), but if it has to do with what she's talking about and they've been keeping in touch for 20 years, it's probably worth a conversation along the lines of "I get stressed out when you want to talk about X so frequently; can we work something out?" Otherwise, as previous comments have suggested: "Sorry, am fine but really busy right now... Sorry, too busy right now... Sorry, can't--so busy!" until the friend stops trying. An official friendship break-up talk seems like it should be the last resort. "Losing touch" because she's "so busy" right now is easier to repair down the road if your wife decides she'd like to rekindle the friendship.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:50 PM on May 24, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

There's a children's song that my mom used to sing to me that goes "Make new friends, but keep the old; one is silver and the other is gold," and as the years go by I appreciate its wisdom more and more. Having a break-up talk is needlessly final unless they have had the kind of falling out that makes your wife sure she will never want to talk to her friend again. It sounds more like she just doesn't find the relationship rewarding anymore. This is what the white lie is for. She should say something preemptive like, "I'm going to be really busy with x for a long time, so don't be surprised if you don't hear from me--it's not that I don't want to talk to you, but I know I just won't be able to keep up with everything."
posted by HotToddy at 10:08 PM on May 24, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

"i've been really busy. i'll be in touch when i can."

that's all that's really needed here. no need to overthink.

i've been unfriended and also unfriended people. the "i don't want to be friends because i don't like you anymore" thing really sucks because it's harsh and mostly unnecesary. letting it fade out is easiest on everyone. friendships do that.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 10:17 PM on May 24, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Maybe I'm just too young to have ever had a real "Friend Breakup" (I'm 28), but I sort of look at this one's tone and think to myself "Man, her friend's better off without her."

If she can't be bothered to even return an email or a phonecall with something as simple as "I'm not in a place right now where I feel like I can be a good friend to you. I wish as always that everything goes well for you, and I apologize for being less than an ideal friend to you." then I don't even know what to say. If that's how she treats a "Friend", even one from 20 years ago, then I'd hate to see what she does to her enemies.

Abrogating all contact is petty, puerile, and lame. She should at least have the decency to notify the girl that she's just fine and will be out of contact for a while. Maybe the girl feeds her drama because your wife is her oldest friend, the one who always lets her vent, and the one who's always understood. Seems kinda silly to "dump" her because your wife didn't know how to respond better to the relationship.
posted by TomMelee at 10:26 PM on May 24, 2008 [9 favorites has favorites]

Tell your wife to stop being a coward deal with her friend in a grown up manner.
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:40 PM on May 24, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

tommelee and bobbydigital are all over this one. hiding from someone is the pits. this obviously isn't a "fade out friendship" situation - if it were, nobody would be stressed out about it. there's more going on here - sounds like it needs to be dealt with.
posted by facetious at 11:17 PM on May 24, 2008

Ask your wife how she would feel if the tables were turned. If someone were in essence 'breaking up' with her, how would she rather find out-- in person, by phone, from another friend, or would she rather be completely shut out?

There is a great book that deals precisely with this topic-- it's called, "What Did I Do Wrong: When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship Is Over" by Liz Pryor.

Liz's thesis is basically that honesty is the best policy--it's better to tell the other woman in a straightforward but tactful way that they've grown apart rather than letting the woman cling to the hope of a friendship that might honestly have run its course.

The downside to telling her is that your wife will have to experience slight momentary discomfort. The upside is that she will have the problem off her hands immediately, and her former friend will not feel utterly rejected or abandoned.

The old friend will probably so appreciate your wife for being kind enough to share a difficult truth that she will respect your wife's wishes. Don't burn your bridges and cut your ties the wrong way, you never know when you might need them in the future.

Having been the old friend, I know I would have rather just been told that our lives were taking us different places, but that hasn't happened yet. And it caused a great deal of pain when I realized, many months after the fact, that my "friend" had ditched me. Nobody likes being left high and dry.

Good luck to you and your wife. I hope she makes a considerate choice.
posted by mynameismandab at 11:56 PM on May 24, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, if this isn't a natural fadeout situation (such as long distance friends who've just gradually grown apart), wanting to disappear and expecting the other person to "get it" is both cowardly and passive-aggressive. Your wife can do the easy thing, or she can do the honorable thing, but in this case they're not the same thing.
posted by scody at 1:25 AM on May 25, 2008

I'd reply about every 4th time with "I'm really busy, and just can't stay in touch right now" then reduce the level of contact to an occasional email and holiday card. Why burn a friendship unnecessarily? If pushed, I'd reply along the lines of, "I'm busy, and my priorities are with my work and immediate family." Sending a Dear John letter to a friend seems unkind.
posted by theora55 at 7:15 AM on May 25, 2008

I'm with Meg and TomMelee, I would be really upset if a friend of 20 years suddenly dropped me like a hot potato for no "major reason".

I'm very very curious to know what REALLY happened between the wife and her friend.
posted by sixcolors at 9:07 AM on May 25, 2008

Nothing major happened; she just finds the friendship more stressful than it's worth.

There you have it. Just say that.
posted by fixedgear at 9:25 AM on May 25, 2008

I'm with JohnnyGunn.

If this person has, over the course of 20 years, done something to make herself unworthy, then why should your wife go any further for her?

I'm going to assume the best of your wife: That she has tried for 20 years to deal with whatever and have a grown-up friendship and her friend has failed to hold up her end.

If no-longer-wanted friend wants to play games and pretend she is "worried," then reply with short answers like "Everything is ok" and reject any time and date specific invites with "Not available."

No doubt, this will cause stress for the friend. Perhaps over the last 20 years she might have listened when her friends tried, gently, to show her the ways she might avoid causing undue stress for others.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 10:05 AM on May 25, 2008

The fadeout thing may work but its pretty disrespectful. I say this as someone who has been on the other end of things. My (ex) friend, just quit calling, e-mailing or responding to any of my overtures. We had known each other for 23 years, grew up together. I moved away (college, grad school and grad school again) he stayed in the same small town, got married, divorced and remarried and has 3 kids. I've been living in rather urban places for the last ten years or so and now live on the other side of the country. Our lives have diverged quite a bit. I truly never saw any problem with this difference, we're still friends, right? But apparently the differences did hinder things for him. He just quit responding to me. It was really difficult, confusing and hurtful for me. I would think that knowing each other for over 2/3rds of our lives would at least entitle me to some kind of explanation. But I never received one. I eventually caught the hint, but it seems like such a passive-aggressive way to deal with someone that you (ostensibly) care about.
posted by anansi at 10:50 AM on May 25, 2008

Also have been on the other side.

Tell your wife to grow a pair and just respond and say "I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I don't want to be friends anymore. I don't want to talk about it and I'm not willing to work on the friendship. Please stop calling and emailing me."

Also tell her to get comfortable with the idea the next time your wife will hear about that friend is when the friend is dead and she better be ready without regret.
posted by zia at 4:07 AM on May 26, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]