Can't get off without the buzz!

May 24, 2008 12:38 PM

Female orgasm question (by a female).

I cannot, cannot have an orgasm without use of a powered device, not even with my fingers. It just isn't going to happen, trust me, even in the most exciting of situations it hasn't happened. I've been trying for about 25 years, and it just isn't.

I thought that I was a complete freak until I came across a Dr. Ruth column, where another woman wrote in asking what she could do about the same problem. Dr. Ruth said that perhaps 10% of women had this problem, and her only answer was to be grateful that we lived in an age where electricity has already been invented.

I was kind of hoping that the good Doctor would have more than that, perhaps how to "manage" the situation, and that is my question here; faking it has become really, really tiring. If you have this condition, how do you deal with it? How do you deal with the men who are absolutely convinced that they're going to be the one to get you off (thus often causing severe pain)? Do you know of any support groups for this condition, on or offline? Do you have any helpful stories to share? Thank you.

posted by anonymous to human relations (17 comments total)

Is there a real reason you can't bring your powered device into the bedroom (or whatever room you choose to use?)

Men who insist that they are convinced they'll be the one...well, at one level are really saying they're trying to have that connection with you and be that special someone. There are other issues here, like feelings of inadequacy, but those really bear out only fron discussion.

Alternatively, take a month off. Entirely. You might find the lack of your powered devices just fine.
posted by filmgeek at 12:49 PM on May 24 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure that there is anything at all wrong with you- I know plenty of women who bring the toys along when they are with a partner.
posted by mistsandrain at 12:51 PM on May 24

I am like this 95% of the time. I don't consider it a problem, but I used to, faked it, etc.

Faking it and not communicating probably helped ruin one long-term relationship--I never wanted to have sex! (No wonder, right?) So I vowed to myself I would never fake again, and be 100% honest with my partners. If you think about it, they deserve your honesty.

If they can't handle it, well, they're probably not right for you. Some people are compatible in bed, some aren't! And that's ok.

Here are the simple rules I follow: Stop faking. Bring the toy to the bedroom and introduce it to your partners. Let them feel it and say "hi". Use it. Enjoy yourself. If someone is hurting you, tell them to STOP and explain that it hurts.

There is nothing wrong with you! Sex can be fun, if you listen to your body.

Good luck.
posted by sondrialiac at 1:29 PM on May 24 [2 favorites]

As a man, that sounds totally normal to me. Some women I've slept with could come all different ways, but most could come in only very specific ways -- masturbating alone under a bathtub faucet, or with a vibrator during intercourse, or on their stomach.

The faking is what doesn't sound so great to me. Are the men with whom you are sleeping not ok with being told "I come from X but not from Y"? I've always appreciated that kind of honesty (and it can take the pressure off, instead of working away until you have cramps in three places and wondering "what kind of dud lover am I that I can't make her come?"), but maybe these guys don't want the honesty?
posted by Forktine at 1:31 PM on May 24 [3 favorites]

Yeah, if nothing else, never fake it again. It sucks for everyone. (You're not satisfied, and your partner is being lied to.) You have the right to say "no," "stop," etc., and you should exercise that right. No need to go through the discomfort.

If you absolutely, positively, can and will NOT succeed without a vibrator, ever, then stick with the vibrator and don't worry about it. Guys like toys. :)
posted by iguanapolitico at 2:01 PM on May 24 [1 favorite]

I am exactly like this, I have never experienced an orgasm without the use of batteries. It frustrates my guy sometimes, probably more often it frustrates me because I know he's disappointed. But the more frustrated we get, the less likely it's going to happen.

I've tried taking a break from vibrators, but it usually just makes me a bit cranky. And when he gets into the Tonight I Will Make You Orgasm mode that really isn't working, I tell him to stop, or to move on.

Thankfully, he's okay with batteries in bed, and I have never faked it for him - though I have a very difficult time telling him what I need because most of the time I really don't know what it would take to get me off. I am working on this, but it isn't easy.
posted by rhapsodie at 2:01 PM on May 24

The vibrator is a tool. It may be possible to get the job done without the tool, but who would consider building a house without a hammer? It doesn't make you more manly to drive nails with your bare fists, right?

Find someone who sees the vibrator for what it is - a tool - and not as something that somehow makes him inadequate. Someone who sees it as hot - as a benefit to him, as well as to you. This means there will have to be some open, honest communication before you hop in the sack....but that's what you should be doing anyway, right?

And yeah, don't fake it anymore.
posted by rtha at 3:22 PM on May 24 [5 favorites]

Is there a vibrator males can wear during intercourse?

I'm thinking of something with a very thin vibrating element about the length and width of a tongue depressor, designed to be worn along the top of the penis and held on by a condom over it, possibly with a partial ring at the base for added stability, and with a battery pack strapped onto the upper thigh.

Until that shows up, have you thought about rear entry with you on your side or stomach so that your hands are free to apply the vibrator according to your pleasure?
posted by jamjam at 3:55 PM on May 24

The guy who thinks he will be The One To Get You Off is one of the most annoying ever. (Often he's a package deal with That Special Move Which Totally Got His Last Girlfriend Off - heh.) Don't have painful sex, please. His ego is not more important than your needs.

1) Don't fake it anymore, ever.
2) Don't feel inadequate about it. It's more common than you think.
3) Communicate, communicate, communicate. Tell your partners that you don't come from anything but vibe stimulation. Tell them straight up that fingers and tongue and penis don't work, not even your fingers, you know it for sure, please don't push it; and being with him gets you excited, and (if you want) you can't wait to get off in front of him and share that with him because it's totally hot. Tell them when they push it, it puts pressure on you and you can't enjoy the good stuff you get out of being with him. Tell them that what you get out of sex is great the way it is. If a guy can't handle this, he's not the guy for you.
4) Try using the vibe when you're in bed with your partner. Try getting yourself off in front of him first, then having sex. Guys find it hot to watch a woman masturbate. Let him interact with you as much as you can handle while you're getting yourself off (nipple sucking, stroking, holding your wrists down, masturbating himself), or tell him he's not allowed to touch you at all, only watch; or let him try to use it on you; or try using it while he's inside you; mix it up.
posted by Melinika at 3:56 PM on May 24 [1 favorite]

^ jamjam: "Is there a vibrator males can wear during intercourse?"

Perhaps you might try a vibrating cock ring?
posted by self at 4:09 PM on May 24 [1 favorite]

In several of my more recent relationships, I would often get tired of trying to make my girlfriend come. So, I just held them, talked dirty, assisted, whatever while they touched themselves or used a toy. They loved it, and it was fun for me because it took a lot of the pressure away from me to be some sort of dexterous or iron-tongued, mind-reading genius. Sure, I felt an internal pressure on several levels to "make" them come, but it's also wasn't really my responsibility. I think there's plenty of guys who understand or can at least be educated about getting over the whole "must make her orgasm" thing.

I would talk about it when you're not in the moment and when he doesn't already have an agenda. Generally speaking, it'll just be easier to get his attention and have a rational discussion. :)
posted by zeek321 at 5:29 PM on May 24 [3 favorites]

Is there a vibrator males can wear during intercourse?

I'm thinking of something with a very thin vibrating element about the length and width of a tongue depressor, designed to be worn along the top of the penis and held on by a condom over it

Google around for "vibrating penis extender" or "vibrating penis extension". That's about the closest thing to that.

No idea how well they work. It might work for the OP, but I have the feeling that a plain old vibrator might be an easier first step for the average guy than a toy with "extension" in its name.
posted by CKmtl at 5:59 PM on May 24

Okay, I'm a dude, so keep that in mind.

1. Bring the toys into the bedroom, and have your man friend use them on you, preferably along with some oral fun. If your man friend's ego can't deal with that idea (once you've explained the situation to him), ditch him and find a guy who isn't a dork.

Shopping for sex toys together is fun, anyway.

2. I don't know how much of this applies to women, but I know that anorgasmia in men is often the result of certain masturbation techniques: too tight a grip, reliance on vibrating toys, rubbing against the bed, &c. If you get used to a type or degree of stimulation that isn't possible in actual intercourse, your body can stop responding to other kinds of stimulation.

So, it might be worthwhile to lay off the vibrator for a few weeks, and give your body a chance to adjust to different kinds of stimulation. Like I said, I have no idea how much truth there is to this, but it's worth a shot.

Regarding the cock ring suggestion: make sure you're aware of the health concerns of cock rings.
posted by greenie2600 at 6:15 PM on May 24

How do you deal with the men who are absolutely convinced that they're going to be the one to get you off (thus often causing severe pain)?

You have to step up here, human fear is involved. Tell them straight up and make the toys a deal-breaker in any long-term situation.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:44 PM on May 24

This might be a non-invasive way to bring the magic of electronics into the bedroom?
posted by you're a kitty! at 1:32 AM on May 25

I agree with most of what everyone else has said, especially if your lovers are actually causing you severe pain. Don't you think he'd rather know that his insistence is causing a lot of discomfort, even if it's a slight blow to his ego? I know I'd be pretty upset if I found out that I was really hurting my partner in my attempts to please him... then I'd feel inadequate AND hurt by the fact that he wouldn't tell me about the problem.

Anyway, I'd suggest trying the TongueJoy vibrator. It's a little bullet vibe that straps onto the tongue, great for use on either gender, so you could introduce it to the bedroom without your partner thinking that it's a toy just for you. A vibrating erection ring might work too, but I've found that those don't really provide enough direct stimulation to get me off (YMMV).
posted by arianell at 12:59 PM on May 25

I'm very similar, except although it is possible I just couldn't be bothered. I want it now not next week!

So - among other things I have a bullet. I introduced him as "This is Mr. Buzzy and he is very friendly *smiles*" That goes over well and it's a bit hard to be intimidated by something called Mr. Buzzy. SO never had a problem with it anyway but agrees that he is VERY friendly. Maybe try one of those (not an egg make sure it's a bullet - and the smaller the better). Because they're not 'a dildo' he might not take it so damn personally - but just quietly they are just as good, if not better!!

And I just have to say - whose orgasm is this!! Severe pain? Nope I would just tell him to fuck right off. If he's such 'man' he can take it. :) The conversation would go down a little differently but the end result would be the same!

You could just get something (you're a kitty! had a good suggestion) and start using it. What's he going to do get all pissy and say "Stop it! I was torturing you here!"? If he makes you choose just remember Mr. Buzzy would never make you choose. HE is friendly... :)

There's nothing wrong with you! (Unless there is some kind of battery issue, these come up from time to time and people make heaps of jokes about it but it's really not that funny.) It's just the way you are?? (And by far it could be so much worse.) It's a condition and if some men feel that they can't accept it than they're being pretty selfish, stupid and pathetic. And that's just never funny.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 1:08 PM on May 25