Lost my passport. Keep my boyfriend?

May 23, 2008 11:37 AM

Help me reconcile losing my passport and disappointing my new SO.

Hey Hive: My first question here. Was supposed to fly out today at 2:45 pm.

Been dating a wonderful guy, who is 11 years my senior (I'm 36) for two months. We hit it off immediately and everything has been absolutely wonderful and we agree we are "right" for each other, whatever that means for two way old never-married people. My friends from home love him, he loves me; I love him. We totally dig everything that's going on.

Before we starting dating he'd signed up for the Edinburgh marathon. He kept asking me to go prior to my making a "commitment" to him, and I hedged. Finally, upon realizing how much I dug him, I acquiesced. We booked flights together and I signed up for the marathon - I'm a marathon veteran myself.

I travel at least once a year, for work or pleasure, ex-US. I always keep my passport in my desk drawer at home. IT IS NOT THERE. When I realized last night there might be a problem, I left him a VM, called Mom, and she and I tore my home apart looking for it. No dice. We searched everywhere for over seven hours...nothing. Car: yes. Office: yes. Every stinking place in home: yes.

He was very sweet about it. He was disappointed that I couldn't share the adventure with him and called his own mom for commiseration. We're sad. It sucks. Yes, I took my birth certificate to the post office and they said two weeks minimum. I called for an appointment in NY and DC and there is nothing until next week.

Unless it suddenly turns up, and at this point I think it is stolen, I'm out for the trip. I took him to the airport and we said a sad goodbye. I want him to enjoy but he is sad and I'm sad.

My question is: How do I stop beating myself up and "know" that in every life, some rain must fall? How do I stop worrying about his eventual resentment of me over this? How can I cope? I'm sad, but I have tons of friends and lots of plans for the week - actually kinda relieved because I can get things done I was putting off. I'm just so worried because the relationship is new and I don't want to be the sucky person. FYI: He sees me as more responsible than him (I am and have a higher powered career, whatever that's worth) and my friends an family are *stunned* that I lost something; it's not like me.

Thanks in advance, O Exalted Hive Mind. I'm hurting here.

posted by frumious bandersnatch to human relations (18 comments total)

Get a new passport, and while you're waiting, plan a surprise make-up vacation for the two of you.
posted by rokusan at 11:44 AM on May 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

FYI for the future: there are companies that will get you a passport with a 24 hour turnaround for a few hundred dollars.
posted by prefpara at 11:59 AM on May 23, 2008

If it makes you feel any better, on my second out of many trips to London, I left my passport at home. I only discovered this at the check-in counter. I was lucky enough that I was able to get someone at home who found it and drove 2 hours to get it to me. Stuff like this happens all the time, unfortunately.

As for the ticket, I hope you called the airline and explained the situation. Worst case scenario is that you'll pay a penalty but still will get to use the ticket at another time, usually within a year.

Call the boyfriend in Edinburgh and cheer him on, wish him good luck, tell him you're thinking of him. Then let him know that as soon as he gets home, you'll start planning a trip with him using the ticket that you had to postpone. And I highly recommend you get travel insurance next time!!!

A good man will understand that you did not do this on purpose. If he thinks any worse of you because of this, then re-evaluate the situation. And him.

As for you, chin up. You didn't hurt anyone, you just lost out on a great opportunity which you CAN take advantage of again.
posted by HeyAllie at 12:04 PM on May 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

Visualizing the last minute I spent with lost objects always helps. Sometimes I don't find it but usually I can visualize how I lost it (like the Ipod left on the plane last week). If nothing else is missing I'd rule out theft and concentrate on your actions the last minute you had it with you. There is still hope.
posted by Xurando at 12:17 PM on May 23, 2008

I don't really know other than, give it some time. I had a similar disappointment this week; my boyfriend and I were supposed to go on a trip together out of the country, one I had been really looking forward to, and he got sick and we had to cancel. It was just one of those things. I've been struggling with it all week myself, and there's no magic answer. Disappointment happens. It doesn't sound like you're a flake who does this kind of thing all the time, so try to stop blaming yourself, and figure out a way to move forward. Plan another trip, or have flowers delivered to your boyfriend's hotel, or something.

If you're fatalistic at all, you could look at the situation and decide there was a reason you weren't supposed to go. In my case, it was the weirdest thing: two days after we left one of my pets died, and I was very glad I was home and not away from contact, with my petsitting friend left with dealing with a dead bunny.
posted by cabingirl at 12:40 PM on May 23, 2008

"He was very sweet about it."
"How do I stop worrying about his eventual resentment of me over this?"

Those statements seem a bit contradictory, but it sounds like if you plan somthing special to make it up to him, he won't be resentful. Relax, cheer him on the the extent possible while he is over there, and plan a fun way to make it up to him. Everything will be fine.
posted by taliaferro at 12:55 PM on May 23, 2008

Imagine how you would feel if he had lost his passport. Then try to feel some empathy for him. Then have some empathy for yourself.
posted by sondrialiac at 1:09 PM on May 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

I know the feeling of tearing the place apart looking for a passport at the last minute. I returned from a business trip O/S, and 2 weeks later was going on another one. My passport was always kept in one drawer, but wasn't there when I looked for it 2hrs before going to the airport. Madness then ensued, with my house virtually ransacked, I moved the jacket i was going to take and felt something in the pocket. It was my passport, I made the flight, and my wife had to tidy up after I left!

My one suggestion, is think about the weather when you last travelled. I was travelling to the UK from Australia in January. I put the passport in my pocket during the crazyness at the airport, and didn't need that jacket once I was home.
posted by grb_au at 1:40 PM on May 23, 2008

He's not disappointed because you lost your passport - he's disappointed that he doesn't get to share an incredible experience with you!

I agree with rokusan - get a new passport and plan a surprise trip somewhere he's always wanted to go - even if it's just a couple days in Paris.
posted by muddgirl at 2:13 PM on May 23, 2008

Yes, I took my birth certificate to the post office and they said two weeks minimum. I called for an appointment in NY and DC and there is nothing until next week.

There may still be hope. Last year I misplaced my passport a few days before a vacation and was able to get a passport within a few hours at the LA passport office. I had to call multiple times to get an appointment and bring proof of my travel (e.g., a plane ticket). I know things have tightened up considerably recently, but it might be worth it to keep at it. In case you didn't already try it, look here.
posted by googly at 2:48 PM on May 23, 2008

Ugh. This happened to me. My passport was in a book that I had read on a previous trip. So very random.

This could lead to very good things, like he is realizing how much he is missing you right now! And how he can't wait to get home to see you! And vice versa! Sometimes, the most unfortunate of circumstances can lead to fortunate experiences.

Please don't beat yourself up. These things happen to everyone.
posted by jeanmari at 3:01 PM on May 23, 2008

To get a passport ASAP, enlist the help of your Senator or US representative. This is part of what they do.
posted by theora55 at 3:12 PM on May 23, 2008

Wouldn't you have needed your passport to buy the tickets? What did you do with it after you booked the flight?
posted by Meatbomb at 4:17 PM on May 23, 2008

Hey y'all, thanks so much for sharing your own passport-losing experiences and cheering me up. Great suggestions all around...HeyAllie, I will take your suggestion and call his hotel prior to the marathon to wish him luck; cabingirl, thanks for the great idea to send flowers. jeanmari, I will try to look at it the way you are suggesting and find the silver lining, and for those of you who said there is perhaps a reason, I tend to agree.

I've never needed a passport to purchase tickets, so perhaps that's country-specific?

theora55 - wish I'd known about the Sen or Rep this morning. Since then I've heard several people say this is the case - who knew? Interesting.

Off to plan his surprise trip! Thanks, everyone.
posted by frumious bandersnatch at 5:12 PM on May 23, 2008

I realized my passport was expired (and that I needed one at all) to go to Mexico a mere 18 hours before I was scheduled to leave in February for my brother's wedding.

I'm fortunate enough to live in DC, so I scheduled an appointment at the office downtown on Monday, moved my flight, and spent Monday at the passport office, got a new passport, and flew out to my brother's wedding first thing on Tuesday.

These things do happen but there's usually a solution. I'm so sorry; I know the sense of panic and self-blame all too well.
posted by wildeepdotorg at 8:10 AM on May 24, 2008

Sorry to hear about this---as a fellow "but I never lose things!" person, you surely feel extra bad that you did. I think lot of encouraging phone calls and special plans after his return will help to show that you didn't lose the passport due to not caring about the plans----that you really care about him and making him happy.
posted by lacedback at 1:22 PM on May 24, 2008

I lost my very first passport the very first time I used it: Just to identify myself for a domestic flight, that I took to do a last-visit before leaving the USA. I was moving to Germany with my partner of 1 year. I was lucky, we lived in DC and I had enough time for a normal express replacement. (Funny enough, I just renewed my passport, and the embassy phoned me to ask about my "two passports". Apparently, no record of the first being reported lost!) Of course, that was 1998, and things were way more relaxed in those days.
posted by Goofyy at 5:29 AM on May 28, 2008

This sounds like a job for...Dirty Trans-Atlantic Phone Calls!
posted by The Dutchman at 6:04 PM on June 2, 2008