Help a 3 year old deal with death

May 22, 2008 9:57 PM

My wife's beloved grandmother died yesterday and we are wondering how to explain things to our three year old daughter.

A little background: Ga-Ga was 88 years old, in failing health but still mostly lucid when she broke her hip last week. After a few ups and downs things were looking reasonably good and she was discharged from the hospital. She then died in her sleep the first night home. Since we lived in the same town, she was a regular presence in our daughter's life, to the point where we all visited her in the hospital in the last few days; our daughter would also ask to call her on the phone. It will be a closed casket funeral/visitation with Catholic mass and we plan to take our daughter rather than simply let Ga-Ga disappear without explanation, but beyond that we are not sure how to explain things. There is plenty of advice on the web, and I have discussed any number of uncomfortable subjects with parents and children in my professional life, but any personal experiences from the folks here would be a great help in guiding us. I probably won't respond for a day or two, but I will eventually post a response to let everyone who answers know how things went.

posted by TedW to human relations (17 comments total)

By all means, tell her the truth. My grandfather died when my brother was your daughter's age (I was older), and we were both told at the same time. The circumstances under which we found out were nonstandard (mom, dad, we kids were on a family trip in the days before cell phones and were told by a random woman on the highway that the radio was putting out a broadcast for our car to report to the nearest sheriff's station), so we knew something was terribly wrong as we were on our way to get the news, but when it came down to it, my mom told us very plainly (she was crying, so we knew it wasn't good) that pa-paw had had a heart attack and died. And then I started crying, and told the brother that it meant he wasn't coming back, and he got it.

Your daughter might be young, but she deserves to be told what's going on so she knows why people are sad. The situation is probably really confusing for her right now.
posted by phunniemee at 10:14 PM on May 22

p.s. My then-three-year-old brother doesn't remember this at all.
posted by phunniemee at 10:17 PM on May 22

My three year and four year old were with their grandmother when her mother (their great grandmother) died. They'd spent a bit of time with her and enjoyed her, but didn't seem to miss her at all. I didn't take them to the funeral, not because it would upset them, but because they seemed likely to sing happy birthday during the hymns, not being church goers. (It turns out it was their great uncle's birthday, so it would have been fine - sort of). I found my kids really resilient at that age to death and loss. Not so much a couple of years later, but then, yes.

It's possible your daughter's biggest issue will be seeing mummy so sad.
posted by b33j at 11:11 PM on May 22

Tell her the truth.
posted by gnutron at 11:11 PM on May 22

She is going to be very confused by the idea of death. You need to be clear that being dead means that Ga-Ga will not come back to visit, she can't call her on the phone etc. She will forget and ask when she will see Ga-Ga. My niece was four when her father died and she would act sad one minute and then forget and be her usual self. (I think some of the sadness was just imitating what her older brother's were doing.)

Personally, I like the explanation that your soul is special part of you that makes you, you. When you die, your soul leaves the body (and goes to heaven or to be with God or whatever). Body can't work without the soul in it. It is like the body is a glove and the soul is the hand. When the hand is in the glove, all you see is the glove but it moves and it acts alive. When you take the hand out, the glove is just a piece of cloth and can't do anything. If the glove belonged to someone you loved, then you would want to do something special with it when the person didn't need it any more. so burial/cremation/cemetary is the way to be respectful to the Ga-Ga's body now that she isn't in it any more.

Also, explain that people act differently when someone dies. Some people cry a lot, Some people are very quiet, some people like to talk about the good things they remember and some people don't like to think about it. She might have different feelings at different times and that is OK - she doesn't have to feel exactly like anyone else.
posted by metahawk at 11:36 PM on May 22 [3 favorites]

My three-year-old is going through a stage where she's fascinated by death. I've tried to explain the truth to her to the best of my abilities, and she seems to take it mostly in stride. Once or twice she's been worried about her grandparents, who are old, and she knows that old people sometimes die, but is quickly calmed by assurances that they're healthy and not that old and will live for a long time yet. Oddly enough she hasn't yet caught on to the implication that Mummy or I might also die some day, but when she asks I will blatantly lie and promise her that we will always be there to take care of her.

I don't know your kid, but I wouldn't bring mine to a funeral yet. It might be too intense, and anyway they don't really grasp what's going on. Going to tend the grave afterwards will probably be a good thing, in order to make the abstract idea that someone is gone somewhat more real by associating it with a special place.

Basically, I think three-year-olds probably can handle the truth.
posted by Harald74 at 1:17 AM on May 23

My condolences to your family.

I was 6 the year both of my grandfathers died. When the first went, I didn't understand at all. My parents did not take me to the funeral, and, in fact, a couple of gifts were bought for me I know now that these gifts were to distract me from my mother's grief. There was this big gathering of my maternal grandfather's family, so I kept expecting to see him. I can remember asking about when he would arrive, and I can remember that made my Mom and GrandMom cry. My grand-uncle took me out to the gravesite after the burial, where there were many flowers, and the grand-uncle explained to me that my GrandDad wasn't going to come back -- ever. He let me take a couple of flowers off of the pile and then took me back to the post-funeral dinner, much quieter and hugging my mom a lot.

When my dad's dad died the same year, I pitched what might have been my only ever allowed tempter tantrum. I remember throwing Lincoln Logs and no one chastised me. I knew he wouldn't be back and I was angry. Then, when we went to my grandmother's house, I was so confused, because his brother, who I'd never met, but who looked almost exactly like him, greeted us. I wasn't taken to that funeral either, but I knew he wasn't coming back. I still miss the tin roof sundaes and the time in his lap in his recliner.

When I've explained to my own children about death, I've told them that Great-whatever (whether it be on my side or their dad's) has gone to Heaven, whether I believe in it or not. It seems to help them relate to the fact that the person is gone from them. It is also very kind all around. Heaven for our late beloved folks is the place where they aren't hurting anymore.

Thank you for your post. This helps me think again about how to help my children deal with grief about the departed.
posted by lilywing13 at 1:37 AM on May 23

I would explain that grandma went to heaven because she was very, very old.

With that you circumvent any concern that might come up for her that daddy or mommy might depart for heaven, as well.
posted by elf27 at 2:01 AM on May 23

Just make sure you keep her memory alive with pictures and stories...remember how much we loved Ga-Ga...remember when we did this or that...she was really special...ect
posted by starfish at 5:45 AM on May 23

Another vote for finding the child somewhere else to stay while you are at the funeral. Better for the child who doesn't see lots of people apparently devastated by a catastrophe, better for your wife who can think adult thoughts uninterrupted and work through her own grief concentrating on her own feelings. Even if your wife thinks it would be a comfort to have the child there, that is not a good reason for the child's sake and it is probably not best for your wife.

I would say that grandma's body is broken and doesn't work any more, a concept that a kid can relate to. I don't much go for the "She is in heaven" bit, especially not "She will be looking down at you from heaven" which is cruel in implying constant surveillance against naughtiness. However, you need to pay some attention to the beliefs of other kids she mixes with, from whom she may hear sky-daddy stories and you certainly can't damage the other kids' beliefs by telling them that their family story is wrong.
posted by Idcoytco at 5:57 AM on May 23 [1 favorite]

Hi Ted, my sympathies to your family.

Since your daughter is so young, she might have a hard time understanding what is going on. Try keeping details simple and short. "Grandma's body broke and cannot work anymore" is one way of conveying what has happened. If she asks questions, respond with, "What do you think that means?" or "What do you think about that?"

Kids will take their cues from you and your wife, so ultimately how you react in grief is how they may react. If you are comfortable, and by all means it is your decision and your wife's decision, encourage your daughter to attend the services so she is with her family. Kids are not afraid of death, just curious because they do not know what is going on.

A funeral is a time for family, friends and community to honor a life that has been lost. I think it would be very special to have your family together during this time. If your daughter gets antsy, have an activity bag on hand so she can color or look at pictures.
posted by echolex at 6:01 AM on May 23

Thanks for all the advice so far. Those of you who point out that my daughter will be more upset about the adults crying and being sad are right. We are still working out the details but realize there is no one-size fits all policy, so even if we don't take all of you suggestions it doesn't mean we disagree with them. We appreciate everyone taking the time to help.
posted by TedW at 6:11 AM on May 23

I can definitely attest that your own sadness are the only things your daughter's going to remember -- I have a very clear memory of the day my grandmother died, but only because Dad came home from work early with the news, and Mom started crying. I was in the room, and was starting to cry too, but I remember having the idea that if I smiled really big, maybe Mom would see me and stop crying, so I sat there with what must have looked like an absolutely insane grin, hoping she'd stop crying...that's the only thing I remember about that day.

You've gotten good advice already, insofar as being honest. You also know best whether you think your child can handle the funeral or not, and how to handle explaining things; honesty is best, though, I agree. I was probably told the news, but I don't remember anything about that today.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:04 AM on May 23

Definitely avoid some of the metaphors like "Ga-Ga went to sleep," or "Ga-Ga went away" which may lead to later fears and anxiety about sleep or travel.

You can gently reinforce the idea that everyone dies (although for most people it happens when they're very old). Even though the person's body dies (or "stops working"), love and memory do not, and you'll always have your love and memories of the person who has died.
posted by AngerBoy at 8:11 AM on May 23

Kids can handle the truth, though obviously the level of detail needs to be attuned to their understanding. You don't want to worry the kid about the possibility of other members of the family dying unexpectedly, but that's helped by straightforward open not by hiding things ("Yes we all die, but most people only die when they are old and sick"), and not by sugar coating.

As for the funeral, it depends a lot on the child -- there is a lot of sitting about and being quiet that some kids handle better than others. My (then) three-year-old son chose to attend his grandfather's funeral. It was a bit of a problem for my wife who sat at the back of the church with my son; she felt she wanted to be next to me to offer her support, but I was fine that way, and I think it help my son. As long as there are no other issues, I don't see a problem with young children knowing that adults get upset too, as long as it's not going to go to extremes (weeping histrionics are too much for me as well).
posted by Quinbus Flestrin at 10:57 AM on May 23

My father-in-law died suddenly the day before my son's 4th birthday. That was a little over 7 years ago. Grandpa Jack was just about the boy's favorite person on Earth, and it was a very tough time. We didn't have the luxury of experiencing the life cycle with a pet or something first.

Do NOT liken death to sleep. My mother made the horrible mistake of pointing out to my son that Grandpa looked "just like he was sleeping," and this had lasting effects on the child. He was afraid that any time his Daddy went to sleep, he'd possibly not wake up.

Do explain what the death of a loved one means for those still living. It's okay to show your child that you miss the one who's died. It's great to show her that people mean specific things to us, and when they're gone, there's a void. It's good to talk about specific fond memories.

My son benefited, I think, from talking about what various people think happens after death. Heaven, reincarnation, living on in our memories, etc. I didn't have a real answer for his questions about where Grandpa's spirit was or what it was up to, and pretending I was sure just didn't feel right at all. My son decided on his own that Grandpa must be in heaven, the kind where we'll see him again someday. Once he'd decided that that's what felt right, I had no hesitation in supporting his belief to the fullest. After all, it was comforting to me, too.
posted by houseofdanie at 4:16 PM on May 23

Well, time for an update; thanks to everyone for your thoughts. We went with the general consensus here (which went along with our own inclinations) and tried to explain everything clearly, at a three-year old level and without resorting to any euphemisms. She understood it somewhat ("Oh, you mean dead like the ladybug"-referring to a ladybug she had found earlier) but it pretty much went right past her and she just thought we were at a fancy party. We took her to the funeral, but it was sort of longish, with mass and everything, so about halfway through she started fidgeting enough that we went with our backup plan which was for my mother to take her on to the relative's house where we were all going after the service. She really had no curiosity about what had happened to her great-grandmother (which was surprising considering how inquisitive she normally is) and so the subject of religion and afterlife never really came up. Although we probably over-thought things a bit, we were glad to include her and she brought a certain amount of cheer to the event. People even complimented her behavior in church even though I thought it was getting distracting.
posted by TedW at 9:12 AM on May 27