How to talk to my friend about his arranged marriage?

May 21, 2008 7:58 PM

My friend is having an arranged marriage organised by his parents for him and recently decided to say yes to his bride. He made the announcement to his friends and said he was happy to do it even though it had been a difficult decision. We're not entirely sure he is happy or that this is what he wants and don't know how to talk to him about it.

My mate is in his mid 20s. Most of my friends and I suspect he is doing this to please his family since he rarely says no to his parents. He has also never been very confident with girls, despite being a great guy and not bad looking either, so it seems like his family obligations come at a time when he no longer believes in his romantic prospects. He has always been very private about the issue and prior to his announcement he'd only confided to a few of his friends and family. Now that he's made up his mind it's even harder to talk to him about it since we all feel obliged to be supportive. The way I see it, rather than admitting his reluctance or saying no to his parents, he's trying to convince us and himself that he's happy with the decision, but I don't know how to say this to him (let alone engage him on what he wants vs what his family wants) when he either insists that 'it just feels right' and 'it's an idea that we have to get used to', or avoids the issue entirely.

posted by doobiedoo to human relations (26 answers total)

Your friend's life is his to live. In the end, this whole matter is his choice, not his parents' and not yours. All you can do is be supportive of your friend, which is not necessarily the same thing as being blindly supportive of the marriage. Letting him know that you love him and all you want is for him to be happy is the best thing you can do for him. Then, you must back off and let him deal with the issue how he sees fit.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:04 PM on May 21, 2008 [4 favorites]

If it's a tough decision that he took a lot of time on, it would probably not do much good to try to dissuade him from it. Make it clear that you support your friend and will always be there, especially if this doesn't work out as hoped, then let him go. If your friend knows you're there for him, it will be easier for him to back out or end the marriage if the need arises.
posted by lacedback at 8:19 PM on May 21, 2008

We'd need to know more about the guy, cultural context, etc. For a lot of people, assuming they come from the right frame of mind, arranged marriages work out as well as our planned ones. It's your idea of hell and mine too, but it might not be too offputting to your friend or his bride.

He says that he made the decision and he's happy with it. Your job as a friend is to believe him, support him and be there if it doesn't work like he's hoping it will. Trying to make him opt out is likely to A) rattle his confidence, helping to doom the marriage and B)make him feel forced to choose between his friends and his marriage-- and his friends will lose, at least in the short term.
posted by Mayor Curley at 8:21 PM on May 21, 2008

I'm going to make a big assumption here, because I don't have the information. Let's say this guy is a child of immigrants to the US, whose heritage dictate that his parents arrange his marriage, especially if he isn't married by a certain age. Does he know people who have found love in their late 20s? Does he trust himself to choose whom to date, and eventually, to marry? Or have his parents made a lot of big decisions for him before?
If this is a close friend, and it sounds like it is, you should ask him about all this, if only so you can understand his culture better. I know a lot of arranged marriages work out, and if he hasn't seen examples of either that, or of people falling in love and then getting married, it can explain his ambivalence.
Best of luck to your friend.
posted by OLechat at 8:22 PM on May 21, 2008

I see it differently from ThePinkSuperhero. Maybe it's just because I have a few close friends who always put others first. Sometimes when they are about to engage in something that they might likely regret later, I consider it my duty to warn them and talk them through, because I know they will do the same. Of course, the ultimate decision is still up to them, but you can help them put things in perspective. And let them know that you will be there should things go wrong.
posted by semi at 8:25 PM on May 21, 2008

If it were me, I would arrange to speak to him one-on-one. I would communicate to him something like this (am calling him Mike for convenience):

"Mike, you are one of my best friends, and I care about you and your happiness. I hope that you won't think I am intruding too much into your private life, but I want to share with you a concern that I have. Ever since you've chosen to enter into the marriage that your parents have arranged for you, I have felt like something was wrong. I am worried that you might be making this choice to please your parents, and not because it is something that you truly want for yourself. I am also worried that you may be using this as a way to avoid the stress of dating. I want you to know that I am saying this because I want you to know that no matter what you choose to do, I will not judge you. If you truly want this marriage for yourself and believe it will make you happy, I will gladly support you. But because I am your friend and because I am having some trouble understanding your decision, I really want to talk to you about it, hear your thoughts, and make sure that you know that no matter what, you can always come to me for help and advice and I will always do my best to help you. I will not judge you. I don't want to tell you what to do, I just want to tell you that I have this feeling about your choice and ask you whether or not there might be any truth to that feeling."

Then, deliver some non-judgy support, whatever he decides. If he makes a decision that turns out badly, be there for him. The important thing is not to try to push him in one or another direction. Be a neutral, safe listener in whom he can confide without feeling pressured to say the right things. He's human, so whether it's this or something else, he's going to make mistakes in his life. The best thing you can do it make sure you're there to help and to tell him that you still love and respect him.
posted by prefpara at 8:32 PM on May 21, 2008 [2 favorites]

I also have a friend who is having an arranged marriage this year, so my perspective on this is based on my discussions and experience with her. Deciding to enter into an arranged marriage is a difficult decision, and it's certainly a somewhat different decision to the one I made when I decided to get married, involving different criteria.

You say, "We're not entirely sure he is happy" - I'm afraid that's always something you're going to have to leave up to him. I've had several enjoyable discussions with my friend about her feelings regarding arranged marriages, her brother's happy experience with an arranged marriage, and her parents' perspective on it - but I think going down the path of, "Are you sure you'll be happy, are you sure this is the right decision, are you sure this is what you want?" are always going to come over as patronising. He's obviously thought long and hard about the decision, and the fact that he's been private about the process with his friends probably means that he doesn't want to have his motives or decisions questioned, for whatever reason.

I would probably approach any discussion with him just as you would with a friend who wasn't having an arranged marriage - ask him about his future bride, what she does, where she lives. If he wants to talk to you about any doubts or concerns, he may be having, he may take that opportunity to do so. Otherwise, simply be supportive of his decision - he's getting married, and he would want his friends to be happy for him.
posted by miss cee at 8:32 PM on May 21, 2008

I empathize with what you're feeling but I agree with a lot of the people here who say that you need to let him do his own thing, especially if it appears he didn't come to it lightly. Definitely support his decision and, should it not work out, be there when he needs you.
posted by wangarific at 8:32 PM on May 21, 2008

Many of my friends who are immigrants or have immigrant parents and come from a cultural background that arranges marriages are perfectly content to have their families couple them.
posted by HotPatatta at 8:35 PM on May 21, 2008

You can let him know that you're there to support him if he wants to talk about it, but it needs to be his decision to talk about it. If you think you want to give him a talk like the one prefpara wrote, I'd do it in such a way that it didn't require any response from him. I'd probably directly tell him, "Don't respond right now. You don't have to say anything. I'm just letting you know that if you want to talk about it, I'm here." Then change the subject to something that's engaging to both of you.
posted by winston at 8:42 PM on May 21, 2008 [1 favorite]

Just wanted to second winston, who says:

If you think you want to give him a talk like the one prefpara wrote, I'd do it in such a way that it didn't require any response from him. I'd probably directly tell him, "Don't respond right now. You don't have to say anything. I'm just letting you know that if you want to talk about it, I'm here."

I left that out of what I initially wrote, but it's a very good idea.
posted by prefpara at 8:47 PM on May 21, 2008

My tendency would be to say something along the lines of what prefpara suggests, but that's partially because of the types of friendships that I usually develop. Have you had conversations where you revealed your insecurities to him, or where he has done the same to you? Have you opened up to each other emotionally? Do you have the trust built up to say, "You know, I'm worried about this because I care about you and I want you to be happy?" and to know that he'll take it in the spirit that it's meant? If you haven't, depending on the time sensitivity, you might want to test the waters by having potentially uncomfortable conversations about less intense topics first.

I would also suggest writing out a letter detailing your concerns. Giving him the letter could be an easier way of communicating, and really give him the space to decide if and how to respond, but even if you don't share it with him, it could help you organize your thoughts and reflect on how best to say what it is you want.

I also think though that the cultural factor is important. If he is from a different cultural background than you, is there anyone in your friend group (or maybe even one of his cousins) who shares that background? They could be a great source of advice and maybe even, if they share your concerns, a messenger.
posted by overglow at 9:37 PM on May 21, 2008

Chances are even if he's having serious second thoughts, it's more or less too late for him to back out, especially if he can't say no to his parents. Be supportive, try not to say anything judgmental (I'm sure he already knows what you all think and is thinking it too), and be there for him when it likely all falls apart in a couple years. He's made his choice and he doesn't appear to want to talk about it. Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes and there is nothing you can do to stop them.

And hey who knows, I have a lot of friends' parents who are in very happy and successful arranged marriages. Love does develop and grow, and while it doesn't sound like your friend is doing this entirely as his own choice, maybe he'll get lucky, you never know.
posted by whoaali at 9:53 PM on May 21, 2008

Your friend won't be surprised that you don't get his choice to have an arranged marriage. There's a whole backstory to this announced engagement that you don't know. Some of that is because it's actually fairly complicated to arrange a marriage, particularly between countries, and there are a million steps and missteps that can change until the arrangement is solid enough to announce publicly. Your friend doesn't live in a vacuum - he has to know it's something that is strange and perhaps distasteful to his friends from outside his culture. He's probably hoping you'll accept his choices and is anticipating this "are you sure" conversation with you.

Taking the arranged marriage/cross-cultural part of it out of the equation, and playing devils advocate for a minute here - what would you do if your friend decided to marry someone that you personally weren't sure was a good choice of partner for him? Say... someone who'd been married several times before, in rapid succession, or someone who just, for some unknown reason, set off major alarm bells in your tum. How would you handle that situation? Would you tell your friend that you had a queasy feeling about his choice of partner and say you'd be there for him if he ever wanted to talk? Or would you figure he's an adult and can make his own choices and mistakes, let him succeed or fail... and be there for him if he ever wanted to talk?

Just keep in mind that your friend did consciously make this choice, that his choice had to be confirmed and reconfirmed at different stages of the brideseeking process, that he himself had to be considered as a potential match for this girl by her family, who love her and want the best for her as much as his family wants the best for him in life. Unless his family is exceptionally domineering, he had some level of participation in gift choice & exchange, venue choices, etc. Add to this the visa requirements for married partners and the legal & financial hoops they'll have to jump through, if she's coming from overseas. This is something he has chosen and committed to all on his own and to which he has already devoted considerable emotional & financial resources. His family may have some influence, but in all likelihood, they really are more of a conduit than a source. They help, when he says he's ready, but they would rarely dictate.

I've seen four arranged marriages in my life - two are unhappy, with the partners living separate lives in separate houses. One of those two unhappy marriages is down to really basic incompatibility, the other is down to one of the partners being deeply in love with a girl he didn't tell his family about and didn't stop the marriage arrangements. The other two are fairly average/happy. That's 50% success by my admittedly unscientific standards, which really is about the same as marriages with romantic love as the motivator. In other words, your friend has the same chances as anyone else, really, at happiness.

If you still want to talk to him about your dissonance after considering all of that, go ahead, but hopefully, it will help you wrap your mind around his choices a bit more.
posted by Grrlscout at 10:55 PM on May 21, 2008 [5 favorites]

Nobody is happy going in to an arranged marriage. The idea is that you learn to be happy with the mate that has been chosen for you, years or decades later. If you're lucky.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:46 AM on May 22, 2008

Thanks for the comments guys, I think or hope that I am open minded enough to believe and support an arranged marriage which is willingly chosen, and I've made that clear to my mate - that this isn't something I know about, but that I will support the decisions he makes. I've also tried to empathise in the context of avoiding difficult choices which eventually bite me in the ass, and yes he has said that he feared what his friends would think. My response is that he shouldn't have suddenly assumed the worst of his friends, that we would have been supportive (have always tried to be) and that it wasn't necessary to ball up and confront this alone.

My problem is I feel like he hasn't been totally honest with himself about the decision, that he hasn't confronted his reluctance to do it or been totally honest about the family expectations riding on this - I think these vague notions of 'it just feels rght' and it's 'something we have to get used to' defer the confrontation - I imagine he isn't so much choosing as himself 'getting used to the idea'. My hesitation also comes from other mates in similar situations who are more willing to go into these marriages having had previously chosen girlfriends, my friend has not been so lucky and so it feels like he's seeling himself short.

I have many of the same worries that I'm not being a good friend by being critical at this stage, and I'm wary of being the patronising/righteous guy who knows better, but the feeling persists that he is shortchanging himself on romance because of obligations he hasn't properly challenged.
posted by doobiedoo at 1:25 AM on May 22, 2008

I am also worried that you may be using this as a way to avoid the stress of dating. I want you to know that I am saying this because I want you to know that no matter what you choose to do, I will not judge you.

That's a bit judgemental wouldn't you say?

I was best man at my friend's first wedding. A traditional marriage arranged with a shotgun. It all happened very quickly. He was nervous about it. He doesn't want to talk about it. And of course I don't know what to say because I really don't know what he's thinking. So we're in the church, having a drink before the show, and I put my hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye, and say:

"You're my friend. I trust you to make the right choices for yourself. This is a big decision. Whatever you do, I'm behind you 100% If you want to walk out that door right now, I'll fix it with everyone inside. No worries. If you want to go ahead with it I'll be standing right next to you today and all the way after that. If you decide one day you have to kill her, I'll help you get rid of the body. "

My dear friend, that moron, married her and took a short bumpy, ride that ended like the Hindenburg. I knew he should have bolted, he knew he should have bolted, but sometimes a person's sense of responsibility to family, tradition, whatever, outweighs common sense.
posted by three blind mice at 1:32 AM on May 22, 2008 [4 favorites]

Has he met the girl he's going to marry? It's my impression that modern arranged marriages (especially arranged by families in the US) are more like your parents introducing you to someone rather than marrying you off to a stranger (the latter of which is how it was for my parents). Most of my friends that have had them had a chance to meet their fiancee and "date" for a few months before saying yes or no. From an American lens it may seem like that isn't enough time, but other cultures consider it to be fine.

You can ask him if he's totally ok with it, but I wouldn't push the you never dated before, you're throwing your life away angle. Some people have happy arranged marriages. I would consider it going to prison, but I've seen enough success stories not to be too judgmental. People meet their loves in lots of different ways; it's not too hard to imagine that your parents could introduce you to someone that makes you happy. Once you're sure your friend is ok with it, I would just treat him like I would treat any of my friends that is getting married: be super happy for them, throw them a bachelor party, try to get to know his fiancee, etc.
posted by bluefly at 4:58 AM on May 22, 2008

IANACR (cultural relativist), but I do think it's important to bear in mind that different cultures (and that extends to children raised in new cultures with parental values) have different concepts of love, relationships, individuality, and family. I'm here to join the others who advise letting him do his own thing, for a very specific reason: depending on how we are raised and our social experiences, we all have different notions of marriage. Mine differ from yours, yours from your friend's. This is a difficult decision for him because he has to work out very different values and ideas, his parents and the Western ones you (and I) possess. This is his decision to make, and no matter what you say you will represent, to him, the argument from the Western conception of romantic love. He has to work this out, synthesize different ideas into something that works for him and him alone, and there will be a point when you will have to accept his decision even if you think it might make him unhappy. It's good of you to care, though, and I don't mean to make you sound overbearing in my advice. Just, you know, don't be overbearing with your advice.
posted by farishta at 7:08 AM on May 22, 2008

It's his life and he's taken a long time to make the decision. Don't say anything. Just accept and appreciate it. I'm sure if he wanted your advice, he would have asked for it.
posted by onepapertiger at 8:22 AM on May 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

I echo what a lot of people say here. It is his life and he has the choice to say no.

I'm from a culture where arranged marriages are common, and I have made it clear to my parents that I am not going that route. It doesn't make them happy, but it's my life.

Sorry to say, but if he doesn't have the courage to stand up for his own choice in such an important matter, he deserves any unhappiness he feels.

On the other hand, if he's not good with girls, this might be the way to go. No need to live alone for years when a mate can be procured with little hassle.
posted by reenum at 8:53 AM on May 22, 2008

Your best bet is to respect his decision and treat it as a rational one, even if you do not understand it.

I have a friend who had an arranged marriage. It ended in an amicable divorce. One of the most stunning and smart women I know was his girlfriend soon after. He broke up with her because he is planning on getting into another arranged marriage.

What I'm trying to say is that this is the way that some people want to do things. At least a part of him thinks its a good idea. That's the part in charge.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:59 AM on May 22, 2008

We're not entirely sure he is happy or that this is what he wants and don't know how to talk to him about it.

You talk about it the way you talk about any major thing happening in someone's life that you're uncertain about. Don't say more than three sentences in a row. And that third sentence should always end in a question mark.

Or better yet, just be his friend. Take him out and do something that you've liked to do in the past. And during it, or on the drive there, or whatever, leave plenty of silence space. Ask him about something you genuinely want to know about his impending marriage - "What's her family like?" or whatever and let him talk. If he's genuinely unhappy and you leave enough space, ask a few questions and don't try to fix anything for him - if you're truly listening to what he has to say rather than clues to confirm your theory - then he'll talk about what he wants to talk about with you. And if he's terrified and unhappy, that will quickly come to light, once he feels like he can trust you. If he doesn't, well, you're not the best friend to help him deal with this right now anyway.

He's going to make his own decision with or without your support. Whether he's truly happy about it or not, he's going to need friends to help him through it.
posted by Gucky at 10:32 AM on May 22, 2008

Just to play the devils advocate.

It's also perfectly okay to tell your friend you don't believe he's making the right choice. If he decides to go through with this you have the choice on whether you want to support him or not.
posted by P.o.B. at 4:45 PM on May 22, 2008

If you approach your friends situation from your Western sensibilities, it may seem ridiculous and backwards. Of course, I have relatives who look at divorce rates and the like in the West and think it's equally stupid to keep their noses out of their children's marriages. I think children living in the West have a difficult time reconciling the two cultures they are steeped in. I think it is understandable your friend would be apprehensive, he's getting married. Having to defend his decision to his friends might also get tired. You know your friend, none of us do. So when he says, "it feels right", only you know whether he's talking shit or not.

This post from Anil Dash about his wedding is a great read on marriage, and mentions arranged marriages in passing:

Growing up, I didn't understand marriage in the same way as my peers. My parents basically had an arranged marriage, which gave me a vastly different perspective on the path to commitment. (Arranged marriages aren't quite as exotic as most people in western countries seem to think: Being set up with someone who shares your economic, cultural, religious, and social background is pretty much a universal tendency, whether the setup happens through one's parents, a church mixer, or on Match.com.)

The defining trait of marriage in these contexts is that the commitment comes first. It doesn't occur to most people to get upset that they don't get to choose their siblings; You just love your brother or sister, or you try to, and you fight sometimes and you disagree, and then you get over it, and that's what family is about. And in some ways, marriage can be like that, too. There's a liberation in knowing you don't have an easy out: You know you're going to make it work, and you're not going to give up.

Also, Stavros, this is just dumb: Nobody is happy going in to an arranged marriage.

Do you actually know anyone that's had an arranged marriage? Or are you talking out of your ass?
posted by chunking express at 9:09 AM on May 26, 2008

Also, Stavros, this is just dumb: Nobody is happy going in to an arranged marriage.

Yes, I am talking out my ass. What other orifice would I talk out of? How could it be otherwise?

Do you actually know anyone that's had an arranged marriage?

Yes. Do you?

Ask Metafilter is not for arguments, but call me dumb and I'm going to have to respond. I maintain what I said to be true (figuratively, of course. Duh.) I am convinced that arranged marriages are at least as likely to succeed and produce happy unions as regular ol' stupid fucking romantically-based marriages (or economic ones or any other of the thousands of ways people bind themselves to a mate), if not more likely. But I still say that if show me someone who declares themselves happy having a mate chosen for them, and I'll show you someone who almost certainly isn't.

That depends to some extent on what we mean by 'happy' and whether that's a universal or not.

Whatever. I'm just TALKING OUT MY ASS AGAIN.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 11:59 PM on May 26, 2008