She likes me, I like her... Why can't it be so simple?
May 20, 2008 12:50 PM Subscribe
What exactly did I do wrong with this girl, and what can I do to rectify it?
I met a girl briefly at a bar a few weeks ago. We had a very short conversation and she seemed cool, but I didn't think much of it. A few days later, I got a contact from a mutual friend who asked if he could give her my info. I said yes and we started talking.
After playing email/text tag for a few days, we finally met up and went out to dinner and a bar. We had a great time and she kept saying how happy she was to be there and how much she needed to thank our mutual friend for hooking us up. We had a ton in common and definitely didn't have any trouble keeping up the conversation.
A few days later I had a performance and she couldn't make it, but she texted to apologize, saying that she had to work early the next day. That next night, we both had plans to go to the same party, so we texted a bit and decided we'd see each other there. I met up with an acquaintance and we went to the party together, and he casually mentioned that she was going to be there, which seemed odd to me, since he didn't even know that she and I had been hanging out.
Once at the party, things started out really well and we were very flirty. Eventually, though, she got a little too wasted and started hanging all over everybody. I'm not normally the jealous type, but given some recent events with fickle girls, this just rubbed me the wrong way, especially given that she paid particular attention to the aforementioned acquaintance.
The next night was her birthday and I decided to skip the party at her house (even though I told her I would come), probably in an annoyingly passive-aggressive move. About an hour after her party started, she texted me to ask where I was, and I told her I didn't think I could make it.
I woke up the next morning feeling really bad about not going to the party, so I emailed her and told her I was really sorry I couldn't make it, and hopefully I could take her out to dinner to make up for it. She sent me a really nice reply to the effect of "I wish you were there but I know I will see you soon," but made no allusion to the dinner. I replied and reiterated that I would really like to take her to dinner this week, but I've had no reply and it's been a few days.
I know I'm overthinking this quite a bit, but I can't seem to help it. I have no idea what to do for a next move... My instinct is to just drop it and move on, but I actually really like her and could see things working between us. I also know that she really likes me, given her actions.
Anyway, followup questions to throwaway email can be sent to: confusedlover@hushmail.com.
I met a girl briefly at a bar a few weeks ago. We had a very short conversation and she seemed cool, but I didn't think much of it. A few days later, I got a contact from a mutual friend who asked if he could give her my info. I said yes and we started talking.
After playing email/text tag for a few days, we finally met up and went out to dinner and a bar. We had a great time and she kept saying how happy she was to be there and how much she needed to thank our mutual friend for hooking us up. We had a ton in common and definitely didn't have any trouble keeping up the conversation.
A few days later I had a performance and she couldn't make it, but she texted to apologize, saying that she had to work early the next day. That next night, we both had plans to go to the same party, so we texted a bit and decided we'd see each other there. I met up with an acquaintance and we went to the party together, and he casually mentioned that she was going to be there, which seemed odd to me, since he didn't even know that she and I had been hanging out.
Once at the party, things started out really well and we were very flirty. Eventually, though, she got a little too wasted and started hanging all over everybody. I'm not normally the jealous type, but given some recent events with fickle girls, this just rubbed me the wrong way, especially given that she paid particular attention to the aforementioned acquaintance.
The next night was her birthday and I decided to skip the party at her house (even though I told her I would come), probably in an annoyingly passive-aggressive move. About an hour after her party started, she texted me to ask where I was, and I told her I didn't think I could make it.
I woke up the next morning feeling really bad about not going to the party, so I emailed her and told her I was really sorry I couldn't make it, and hopefully I could take her out to dinner to make up for it. She sent me a really nice reply to the effect of "I wish you were there but I know I will see you soon," but made no allusion to the dinner. I replied and reiterated that I would really like to take her to dinner this week, but I've had no reply and it's been a few days.
I know I'm overthinking this quite a bit, but I can't seem to help it. I have no idea what to do for a next move... My instinct is to just drop it and move on, but I actually really like her and could see things working between us. I also know that she really likes me, given her actions.
Anyway, followup questions to throwaway email can be sent to: confusedlover@hushmail.com.
You might have really disappointed her about her birthday. I know most people say they don't care about their birthday, but when someone you're hoping cares enough to come doesn't show, it can hurt.
I think you should make a really nice gesture -- ask her out on the phone or in person, no more of this you-texting-her-texting-you bullshit, that's just a recipe for failure -- and if you get rebuffed at that point you can be fairly sure she's gotten over it.
posted by loiseau at 12:59 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
I think you should make a really nice gesture -- ask her out on the phone or in person, no more of this you-texting-her-texting-you bullshit, that's just a recipe for failure -- and if you get rebuffed at that point you can be fairly sure she's gotten over it.
posted by loiseau at 12:59 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
speaking as an equally petty girl -- you shouldn't have skipped the birthday party, no matter how irritated you were and no matter how obnoxious she was, assuming you want to be involved with the girl. for me at least (and probably for her too, since she sounds a lot like me), any good friends or romantic interests that skip your birthday party are automatically jerks. it's a rectifiable situation -- i'd get back in contact with her in a few days, maybe not mentioning the dinner but saying you'd like to "get together soon" or something of the ilk.
posted by elisabethjw at 1:00 PM on May 20, 2008
posted by elisabethjw at 1:00 PM on May 20, 2008
PS. The reason I think you hurt her feelings about her birthday is because she actually 1. noticed and 2. text-messaged you to find out where you were. It mattered to her, for sure. If you get back into her good graces, don't pull any jealous sulky bullshit like that ever again.
posted by loiseau at 1:01 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by loiseau at 1:01 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
Yeah, you really don't have a lot of options in this case. You can a) wait for her to respond or b) wait and try to run into her in some non-creepy mutual-friend type setting, then see if she's being awkward or unresponsive. Either way, just try to think about something else in the meantime--you're doing yourself no good worrying about it, just digging yourself into a pit of overthinking.
posted by nasreddin at 1:02 PM on May 20, 2008
posted by nasreddin at 1:02 PM on May 20, 2008
Frankly, I'd move on.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 1:04 PM on May 20, 2008
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 1:04 PM on May 20, 2008
Unfortunately, you made a few fatal mistakes, and skipping her birthday party after you said you would come (the day after you probably weren't very nice to her at the party) was the big one. I have no energy for people who don't follow through on what they say to do. I'd give her some space to let all this blow over and try again in a couple months.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:05 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:05 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
I think at this point you just need to give her some space. Your next move is to drop it and move on. You already apologized for not going to her party, and you can't go back in time to change it. If she’s still is into you, then in a few days/weeks she'll reach out to you. If she's decided that she's not into you, then there really isn't anything you can do to "fix it".
I’ve been in your shoes before, and what I do is to just go about my normal life allowing myself to slowly forget about feelings for the girl. The worst that happens if you do this is that you might end up meeting someone else that you like even better, or you at least are going about otherwise enjoying life. If she comes back around, you still like her, and the timing is right, then awesome, go for it! Just don't make any major sacrifices for someone that might not be into you anymore.
posted by xotis at 1:06 PM on May 20, 2008
I’ve been in your shoes before, and what I do is to just go about my normal life allowing myself to slowly forget about feelings for the girl. The worst that happens if you do this is that you might end up meeting someone else that you like even better, or you at least are going about otherwise enjoying life. If she comes back around, you still like her, and the timing is right, then awesome, go for it! Just don't make any major sacrifices for someone that might not be into you anymore.
posted by xotis at 1:06 PM on May 20, 2008
It sounds like you are both being passive aggressive. Be strong and break the cycle! Either fess up and try to have an open conversation about what is happening, or give it up as a lost cause and move on.
I suggest: "Hey, lady friend, I wanted to explain a little more about my behavior on your birthday. I was jealous of you and my friend hitting it off so well, and feeling a little scared due to some recent fickle relationship experiences. I acted immaturely by not coming to your birthday party instead of talking to you about this directly - I'm sorry. Can we talk about this whole thing? Maybe over coffee?"
posted by warble at 1:08 PM on May 20, 2008 [6 favorites]
I suggest: "Hey, lady friend, I wanted to explain a little more about my behavior on your birthday. I was jealous of you and my friend hitting it off so well, and feeling a little scared due to some recent fickle relationship experiences. I acted immaturely by not coming to your birthday party instead of talking to you about this directly - I'm sorry. Can we talk about this whole thing? Maybe over coffee?"
posted by warble at 1:08 PM on May 20, 2008 [6 favorites]
What exactly did I do wrong
You ditched not just a party, but her birthday party. And you did it not for a good reason but for a jealous passive-aggressive one.
As for her not replying to you now, it could just be that she's giving you a taste of your own medicine by leaving you hanging the way you left her hanging the night of her party. Is that a good way to handle things? No, of course not. It sounds like you both have some communication issues, which can really torpedo a nascent relationship. Try being up front and not acting passive-aggressively. If she does something that's legitimately bothersome, address it and at least give her a chance to defend herself.
Or, it could be that she's just waiting for you to actually ask her out instead of just repeatedly suggesting a dinner sometime. If you want to continue pursuing something with her, stop emailing. Call her and ask her out properly. Have a place and a date in mind, and if she's busy that day, suggest an alternate. If she's still busy, she might be making excuses, so then you might want to consider letting it drop. But that way at least you've tried.
posted by boomchicka at 1:19 PM on May 20, 2008
You ditched not just a party, but her birthday party. And you did it not for a good reason but for a jealous passive-aggressive one.
As for her not replying to you now, it could just be that she's giving you a taste of your own medicine by leaving you hanging the way you left her hanging the night of her party. Is that a good way to handle things? No, of course not. It sounds like you both have some communication issues, which can really torpedo a nascent relationship. Try being up front and not acting passive-aggressively. If she does something that's legitimately bothersome, address it and at least give her a chance to defend herself.
Or, it could be that she's just waiting for you to actually ask her out instead of just repeatedly suggesting a dinner sometime. If you want to continue pursuing something with her, stop emailing. Call her and ask her out properly. Have a place and a date in mind, and if she's busy that day, suggest an alternate. If she's still busy, she might be making excuses, so then you might want to consider letting it drop. But that way at least you've tried.
posted by boomchicka at 1:19 PM on May 20, 2008
Keep in mind it's possible she connected with another guy at her party, which is why she has no time for you now. Moral of the story: if you like the girl, GO TO THE PARTY.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:21 PM on May 20, 2008 [5 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:21 PM on May 20, 2008 [5 favorites]
the day after you probably weren't very nice to her at the party
is a downright bizarre assertion. I mean, I wasn't at the party, i suppose it's possible, but you give absolutely no hint that you weren't nice.
At any rate, she seems like she needs a lot of attention, whether it be one on one or in a group setting. I don't know her, but I doubt that the "[getting] a little too wasted and hanging all over everybody" will stop if you become a couple. In my experience, it never does. Think about it: is that the way you would act when you're around someone you want to get together with- hanging all over every other person in the room? Is that the way any (healthy) person would act?
So, if you feel like that's the kind of relationship you want long-term, call her and apologize for the party (she'll love the attention and drama I imagine). Otherwise, move on.
posted by drjimmy11 at 1:21 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
is a downright bizarre assertion. I mean, I wasn't at the party, i suppose it's possible, but you give absolutely no hint that you weren't nice.
At any rate, she seems like she needs a lot of attention, whether it be one on one or in a group setting. I don't know her, but I doubt that the "[getting] a little too wasted and hanging all over everybody" will stop if you become a couple. In my experience, it never does. Think about it: is that the way you would act when you're around someone you want to get together with- hanging all over every other person in the room? Is that the way any (healthy) person would act?
So, if you feel like that's the kind of relationship you want long-term, call her and apologize for the party (she'll love the attention and drama I imagine). Otherwise, move on.
posted by drjimmy11 at 1:21 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
Sounds like the ball is her court now so all you need to do is just carry on enjoying your life in the same way you were before you met her. It could be that she will call back soon and take you up on that dinner. That would be good. She may not. That would be sad but sometimes things flow the way they're meant to.
Now, while you get on with your life without this woman you may find yourself in a very similar situation as you were with her; you become attracted to someone who feels the same way about you.
This time, however, you can use this experience and learn from it.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 1:22 PM on May 20, 2008
Now, while you get on with your life without this woman you may find yourself in a very similar situation as you were with her; you become attracted to someone who feels the same way about you.
This time, however, you can use this experience and learn from it.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 1:22 PM on May 20, 2008
Not really advice, but a data point:
One time I was at a party and the guy I really liked was there. I drank to relax and ended up acting like a gigantic ass.
So that might have happened.
posted by spec80 at 1:34 PM on May 20, 2008
One time I was at a party and the guy I really liked was there. I drank to relax and ended up acting like a gigantic ass.
So that might have happened.
posted by spec80 at 1:34 PM on May 20, 2008
Eventually, though, she got a little too wasted and started hanging all over everybody.
That's what alcohol does, as you may know. The fact that she was flirty with you sober reveals what she really wanted. So in her mind: you go out on a date; hit it off; flirt at a party; and then you completely flake out on her birthday without even telling her first. That she had to TXT you to find out, and only THEN did you say,"Sorry, although I said I would come, but I won't." It sends a message to her that she's not important enough to you. I mean, you missed her birthday. As far as new relationships go, it's a great opportunity to celebrate the person and quickly advance things. She was probably hoping for the same thing, and instead got a complete no-show, a flake. And meanwhile her friends passed judgement:
"Hey, Sara, where's that new guy you went out on a date with? Are you excited?"
"Ohhh, he's coming. I'm sure he'll be here soon."
-an hour or two later-
"So where *is* he?"
"Gee, I dunno. I'll send him a message."
-later-
"He says he can't make it."
"What?!?!?! Laaammme. Don't waste you time with him. Move on."
So to comfort the woman who's new guy she liked couldn't figure out how to make it to her birthday party, they console her and tell her he must be a loser, etc.
posted by yeti at 1:38 PM on May 20, 2008 [4 favorites]
That's what alcohol does, as you may know. The fact that she was flirty with you sober reveals what she really wanted. So in her mind: you go out on a date; hit it off; flirt at a party; and then you completely flake out on her birthday without even telling her first. That she had to TXT you to find out, and only THEN did you say,"Sorry, although I said I would come, but I won't." It sends a message to her that she's not important enough to you. I mean, you missed her birthday. As far as new relationships go, it's a great opportunity to celebrate the person and quickly advance things. She was probably hoping for the same thing, and instead got a complete no-show, a flake. And meanwhile her friends passed judgement:
"Hey, Sara, where's that new guy you went out on a date with? Are you excited?"
"Ohhh, he's coming. I'm sure he'll be here soon."
-an hour or two later-
"So where *is* he?"
"Gee, I dunno. I'll send him a message."
-later-
"He says he can't make it."
"What?!?!?! Laaammme. Don't waste you time with him. Move on."
So to comfort the woman who's new guy she liked couldn't figure out how to make it to her birthday party, they console her and tell her he must be a loser, etc.
posted by yeti at 1:38 PM on May 20, 2008 [4 favorites]
I'm surprised people are advising you to write this girl off after one experience of peculiar behavior. Hopefully you're not planning on doing that. Spec80 has a good point - for all anyone knows, she might be thinking "oh no, was I too flirty with anonymous' friend? I bet that's why he didn't come to my party. I bet he thinks I'm an ass. He says he wants to get together, but he might just be saying that. I won't bug him too much in case he decides to blow me off." Girls can have doubts too, you know.
posted by boomchicka at 1:42 PM on May 20, 2008
posted by boomchicka at 1:42 PM on May 20, 2008
Everyone else seems to have answered the question already, but I wanted to add one more thing. Stop asking her out with the email and texting. If you want a real reply, you are going to have to call or talk to her face to face. Texting (especially at the start of a relationship) is such a step backwards in the dating world.
posted by ShootTheMoon at 1:46 PM on May 20, 2008
posted by ShootTheMoon at 1:46 PM on May 20, 2008
I nth the comments saying she's annoyed about you missing her birthday.
While you weren't truly dating her or anything when she was hanging over the guys at the party, and you shouldn't have been passive aggressive with her about it, I don't blame you for finding it unappealing. She might have been trying to make you jealous, actually. If you think that's at all the case, you might consider just giving up on it since games like that are pretty stupid.
If you're still interested in her, you might say that you want to take her somewhere in order to make up for missing her birthday.
posted by Nattie at 1:47 PM on May 20, 2008
While you weren't truly dating her or anything when she was hanging over the guys at the party, and you shouldn't have been passive aggressive with her about it, I don't blame you for finding it unappealing. She might have been trying to make you jealous, actually. If you think that's at all the case, you might consider just giving up on it since games like that are pretty stupid.
If you're still interested in her, you might say that you want to take her somewhere in order to make up for missing her birthday.
posted by Nattie at 1:47 PM on May 20, 2008
What exactly did I do wrong with this girl, and what can I do to rectify it?
Ok, here's a shot:
The next night was her birthday and I decided to skip the party at her house (even though I told her I would come)
When people first meet in a romantic (hate that word) setting, they take the actions people take as indicative of interest and trustworthiness.
You likely came off as distinterested and untrustworthy.
How to rectify?
Call her, apologize for not making it, and tell her you want to make it up to her. Don't expect much. Next time be sure to hit the ball back into her court fully, i.e. show up at her birthday party.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:50 PM on May 20, 2008
Ok, here's a shot:
The next night was her birthday and I decided to skip the party at her house (even though I told her I would come)
When people first meet in a romantic (hate that word) setting, they take the actions people take as indicative of interest and trustworthiness.
You likely came off as distinterested and untrustworthy.
How to rectify?
Call her, apologize for not making it, and tell her you want to make it up to her. Don't expect much. Next time be sure to hit the ball back into her court fully, i.e. show up at her birthday party.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:50 PM on May 20, 2008
I would randomly text her with fun things going on in your life; "Wow, just went on an awesome bike ride. The sky was beautiful." "I love the sound of rain hitting the roof, it makes me feel so safe and warm." or whatever makes sense in the context of your relationship. Upbeat is key, and the idea is to restart conversation without pushing her to make any sort of commitment to going out with you. It sounds like you were pushing for a dinner date pretty hard at the end there, which in my experience can be a turn-off.
posted by trevyn at 1:54 PM on May 20, 2008
posted by trevyn at 1:54 PM on May 20, 2008
I would randomly text her with fun things going on in your life
I don't know if this is such a good idea. At worst, it looks kind of creepy, at best, a weird non-sequitur. Maybe you should avoid doing this until you have a clearer picture of where you stand.
posted by nasreddin at 2:00 PM on May 20, 2008 [9 favorites]
I don't know if this is such a good idea. At worst, it looks kind of creepy, at best, a weird non-sequitur. Maybe you should avoid doing this until you have a clearer picture of where you stand.
posted by nasreddin at 2:00 PM on May 20, 2008 [9 favorites]
What exactly did I do wrong with this girl,
As everyone else has said, you blew her off on her birthday.
and what can I do to rectify it?
You can phone her, (not email, not text message) and ask her out for a specific day at a specific time. Vague "hopefully dinner" and "dinner sometime" are not invitations.
posted by lunaazul at 2:14 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
As everyone else has said, you blew her off on her birthday.
and what can I do to rectify it?
You can phone her, (not email, not text message) and ask her out for a specific day at a specific time. Vague "hopefully dinner" and "dinner sometime" are not invitations.
posted by lunaazul at 2:14 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
Nah I agree with trevyn here. If she doesn't respond to these texts/twitters/ whatever specifically after a few days you will know you fucked this up.
you simply can't tell if she is awesomley out with you cos of your birthday faux pas or just playin' games to guage how interested you are.
my guess is you've lost this one, learn from it.
posted by Wilder at 2:21 PM on May 20, 2008
you simply can't tell if she is awesomley out with you cos of your birthday faux pas or just playin' games to guage how interested you are.
my guess is you've lost this one, learn from it.
posted by Wilder at 2:21 PM on May 20, 2008
I would randomly text her with fun things going on in your life
No. This is obnoxious and can even be somewhat creepy if you guys aren't on such good terms.
I agree with prefpara in that you shouldn't smother her with text messages anymore. I would suggest waiting a week or so before contacting her again if you feel you must. From my experience, I've found that it's best to wait these kind of things out. If she doesn't contact you after a few weeks, then I'd say you should quit trying and just deal with it.
Though, "your mileage may very", I guess is how the saying goes.
posted by Dreamcast at 2:38 PM on May 20, 2008
No. This is obnoxious and can even be somewhat creepy if you guys aren't on such good terms.
I agree with prefpara in that you shouldn't smother her with text messages anymore. I would suggest waiting a week or so before contacting her again if you feel you must. From my experience, I've found that it's best to wait these kind of things out. If she doesn't contact you after a few weeks, then I'd say you should quit trying and just deal with it.
Though, "your mileage may very", I guess is how the saying goes.
posted by Dreamcast at 2:38 PM on May 20, 2008
you need to figure out if she is into you or not. ask her out, over the phone , to a specific date-- rainbow room @ 6pm, whatever. her response will make things clear.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 2:43 PM on May 20, 2008
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 2:43 PM on May 20, 2008
Please wait a week if you are going to call her with definite plans. It was her birthday. You didn't ruin it but let her have a post birthday week without having it be all about you.
posted by spec80 at 2:55 PM on May 20, 2008
posted by spec80 at 2:55 PM on May 20, 2008
Eventually, though, she got a little too wasted and started hanging all over everybody.
Call me old fashioned, but this would bother me, too.
posted by Crotalus at 2:56 PM on May 20, 2008
Call me old fashioned, but this would bother me, too.
posted by Crotalus at 2:56 PM on May 20, 2008
You tried to do the passive aggressive mind game thing to her, which wasn't a good idea, but luckily she's only doing it mildly back to you, by not replying to your vague invitation. Ask her out for a specific day, not just 'sometime this week'.
And don't text her random things, like trevyn suggested - at best she'll reply 'That's nice', but think to herself 'Why the hell is he telling me that?', and the conversation will go nowhere fast, at worst she'll think you're a stalker weirdo type.
posted by Sar at 3:11 PM on May 20, 2008
And don't text her random things, like trevyn suggested - at best she'll reply 'That's nice', but think to herself 'Why the hell is he telling me that?', and the conversation will go nowhere fast, at worst she'll think you're a stalker weirdo type.
posted by Sar at 3:11 PM on May 20, 2008
People have beat you up enough about the birthday thing. If I were the girl in this situation, I'd want some FLOWERS and a specific offer for dinner PRONTO, or I'd write you off forever. DO NOT FORGET THE BIRTHDAY CARD (preferably with a picture of a cute puppy with sad eyes). It'd be your only hope.
posted by desjardins at 3:12 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by desjardins at 3:12 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
You said you'd do something and then you flaked out for no particular reason and the thing in question was important to her. I've been the girl in this situation and I've seen many guy friends do the same thing and then act all confused, like oh those crazy girls wanting you to show up when you say you will.
Basically, you did a kind of power play passive aggressive thing and she doesn't sound like she's interested enough in you to give you a second chance. Also, as some other people have already said, it was likely pretty embarrassing for her when you didn't show. I'm not saying her behavior was great either, but you more or less sealed the end of it by responding the way you did.
That being said, like others have said, call don't text. For me at least if I'm mad at someone it's far easier for me to stay mad and dismissive of text messages than in an actual conversation.
posted by whoaali at 3:29 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
Basically, you did a kind of power play passive aggressive thing and she doesn't sound like she's interested enough in you to give you a second chance. Also, as some other people have already said, it was likely pretty embarrassing for her when you didn't show. I'm not saying her behavior was great either, but you more or less sealed the end of it by responding the way you did.
That being said, like others have said, call don't text. For me at least if I'm mad at someone it's far easier for me to stay mad and dismissive of text messages than in an actual conversation.
posted by whoaali at 3:29 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
any good friends or romantic interests that skip your birthday party are automatically jerks
I don't agree with the beating up on you about missing her birthday*. Yes, you said you'd come but you didn't. But how many times have you met this girl? Two and a half by my count. For her to make a big thing of this could be a bad sign. I would suggest you just chill. It sounds like you have mutual friends so you will meet up again. See how it goes when that happens. If she really likes you and is a genuine person she will have got over the birthday thing. If on the other hand she tries to guilt you, this will be a very bad sign.
* Ppl who grandstand about birthdays and expect to be made to feel 'special' demonstrate to me that they 1) are egoists, 2) have self esteem problems or 3) use birthdays to get things out of you or power over you.
posted by Sitegeist at 4:00 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
I don't agree with the beating up on you about missing her birthday*. Yes, you said you'd come but you didn't. But how many times have you met this girl? Two and a half by my count. For her to make a big thing of this could be a bad sign. I would suggest you just chill. It sounds like you have mutual friends so you will meet up again. See how it goes when that happens. If she really likes you and is a genuine person she will have got over the birthday thing. If on the other hand she tries to guilt you, this will be a very bad sign.
* Ppl who grandstand about birthdays and expect to be made to feel 'special' demonstrate to me that they 1) are egoists, 2) have self esteem problems or 3) use birthdays to get things out of you or power over you.
posted by Sitegeist at 4:00 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
I would randomly text her with fun things going on in your life
No. That is bizarre and I would be totally creeped out if a guy did that. If I were already seeing him on a regular basis, that would be ok. But in this situation? Nononono.
posted by necessitas at 4:07 PM on May 20, 2008
No. That is bizarre and I would be totally creeped out if a guy did that. If I were already seeing him on a regular basis, that would be ok. But in this situation? Nononono.
posted by necessitas at 4:07 PM on May 20, 2008
3) use birthdays to get things out of you or power over you.
You mean his presence and company, a chance to meet her friends, and an opportunity to be a member of her social circle?
Truly ULTIMATE POWER.
Plus they had a mutual attraction, he said he'd come and he flaked out without an explanation until SHE reached out to him. At her birthday party.
How is this grandstanding?
posted by spec80 at 4:10 PM on May 20, 2008
You mean his presence and company, a chance to meet her friends, and an opportunity to be a member of her social circle?
Truly ULTIMATE POWER.
Plus they had a mutual attraction, he said he'd come and he flaked out without an explanation until SHE reached out to him. At her birthday party.
How is this grandstanding?
posted by spec80 at 4:10 PM on May 20, 2008
You know what's funny about texting/IMming/Facebooking? It takes all the challenge out of hooking up, all the personality and all the...dare I say it...FUN?
It blows my mind that texting is so popular, it feels like a step backwards in time. How can we possibly get LESS personal with our friends? BY NOT TALKING TO THEM! HORRAY! Let's share 2 sentences at once all day long. What a great conversation.
No, for real. Man up. Call the girl, drop by with NOTHING and be like "HEY LETS GO GET ICECREAM RIGHT NOW" and then when she comes down to your car there's a big bunch of flowers there and a big fat "I'M SORRY" card. If she's cool, make it something cheesy like "You are so awesome that I couldn't imagine having to share you with everyone at your party. I think you're great and I want to make it up to you."
Seriously though. Cut out the texting. It's sort of pathetic. (I know it's normal. So is binge drinking, you know?)
posted by TomMelee at 4:17 PM on May 20, 2008
It blows my mind that texting is so popular, it feels like a step backwards in time. How can we possibly get LESS personal with our friends? BY NOT TALKING TO THEM! HORRAY! Let's share 2 sentences at once all day long. What a great conversation.
No, for real. Man up. Call the girl, drop by with NOTHING and be like "HEY LETS GO GET ICECREAM RIGHT NOW" and then when she comes down to your car there's a big bunch of flowers there and a big fat "I'M SORRY" card. If she's cool, make it something cheesy like "You are so awesome that I couldn't imagine having to share you with everyone at your party. I think you're great and I want to make it up to you."
Seriously though. Cut out the texting. It's sort of pathetic. (I know it's normal. So is binge drinking, you know?)
posted by TomMelee at 4:17 PM on May 20, 2008
When people first meet in a romantic (hate that word) setting, they take the actions people take as indicative of interest and trustworthiness.
You likely came off as distinterested and untrustworthy.
Ummm so how does this person feel when in their second (or third) meeting this person gets drunk and starts flirting with other guys right in front of his freaking face
what does she come off as?
I am sorry but most of you are WRONG.....He has feelings too and he does not have to cater to her specially after she obviously made him feel bad...what is wrong with him having self respect?
To answer your question this is what you did wrong:
1) You text messaged instead of taking charge and talking to her over the phone.
2) You acted as if you were jealous (which probably you were) way too early, this is what i call a "sh**" test next time a girl does this to you, you start socializing with other people, meet other girls and forget she is there in the first place. Why? Flirting with other guys is definitely not a way of her showing interest in you.. so what if she is drunk? so does this mean that when you start dating she will never ever drink alcohol?
3) If you wanted to skip her birthday, I understand why, what is there to guaranteed she is not going to get drunk again and start flirting with other people RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. I mean i am not sure why I would want to go either, so I would have called her, said happy birthday but you are skipping the party......why? You are not feeling good whatever whatever, a couple of days later you meet up with her and explain that you dont think is right for her to be all over other guys while you are there.......if she says well you and i are nothing, you can say "you are right.....and because i have to put up with this behavior we probably never be"......
How can you rectify it?
*Call her, tell her you want to make up for missing her birthday just you and her.....tell her you'll make it worth it for her and deliver your freaking promise. Take charge for once and dont be all passive waiting for somebody else to call you.
Message me if you need more details...
posted by The1andonly at 4:36 PM on May 20, 2008
You likely came off as distinterested and untrustworthy.
Ummm so how does this person feel when in their second (or third) meeting this person gets drunk and starts flirting with other guys right in front of his freaking face
what does she come off as?
I am sorry but most of you are WRONG.....He has feelings too and he does not have to cater to her specially after she obviously made him feel bad...what is wrong with him having self respect?
To answer your question this is what you did wrong:
1) You text messaged instead of taking charge and talking to her over the phone.
2) You acted as if you were jealous (which probably you were) way too early, this is what i call a "sh**" test next time a girl does this to you, you start socializing with other people, meet other girls and forget she is there in the first place. Why? Flirting with other guys is definitely not a way of her showing interest in you.. so what if she is drunk? so does this mean that when you start dating she will never ever drink alcohol?
3) If you wanted to skip her birthday, I understand why, what is there to guaranteed she is not going to get drunk again and start flirting with other people RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. I mean i am not sure why I would want to go either, so I would have called her, said happy birthday but you are skipping the party......why? You are not feeling good whatever whatever, a couple of days later you meet up with her and explain that you dont think is right for her to be all over other guys while you are there.......if she says well you and i are nothing, you can say "you are right.....and because i have to put up with this behavior we probably never be"......
How can you rectify it?
*Call her, tell her you want to make up for missing her birthday just you and her.....tell her you'll make it worth it for her and deliver your freaking promise. Take charge for once and dont be all passive waiting for somebody else to call you.
Message me if you need more details...
posted by The1andonly at 4:36 PM on May 20, 2008
I am sorry but most of you are WRONG.....He has feelings too and he does not have to cater to her specially after she obviously made him feel bad...what is wrong with him having self respect?
There's nothing wrong with self respect, but there's a big difference between
a) "Listen, the way you were acting at that other party, I'm not cool with that. If your birthday's just going to be more of the same, I think I'll pass."
and
b) "I'll totally be there. See you!" and not showing up.
posted by juv3nal at 5:14 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
a) "Listen, the way you were acting at that other party, I'm not cool with that. If your birthday's just going to be more of the same, I think I'll pass."
and
b) "I'll totally be there. See you!" and not showing up.
The next night was her birthday
according to him the birthday was the day after she got drunk....which leads me to think she started the celebration early....I also mentioned he should have called the day of her b-day but I think most of the people posting here assume he is totally off when i am pretty sure the girl understand why he is acting the way he is acting.
posted by The1andonly at 5:18 PM on May 20, 2008
and
b) "I'll totally be there. See you!" and not showing up.
The next night was her birthday
according to him the birthday was the day after she got drunk....which leads me to think she started the celebration early....I also mentioned he should have called the day of her b-day but I think most of the people posting here assume he is totally off when i am pretty sure the girl understand why he is acting the way he is acting.
posted by The1andonly at 5:18 PM on May 20, 2008
understands***
posted by The1andonly at 5:19 PM on May 20, 2008
posted by The1andonly at 5:19 PM on May 20, 2008
the passive-aggressive thing turned her off.
give her a few days, then give her a call.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:47 PM on May 20, 2008
give her a few days, then give her a call.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:47 PM on May 20, 2008
He has feelings too and he does not have to cater to her specially after she obviously made him feel bad...what is wrong with him having self respect?You're absolutely right; he doesn't have to sublimate his feelings to accomodate her every little whim, write off every hurtful bit of drunken stupidity, and run around placating her.
But he does if he wants to get back together with her. It's called "give and take", or "forgiveness", or something. People do stupid shit all the time, you've got to live with it, and if you can't, you're either gonna live a lonely life or find yourself with a compliant doormat for a mate. Neither is much fun in the long run.
Personally I'd be pissed too, and would probably act much the same, but I'd give it a second go. Not a third, though.
posted by Pinback at 6:25 PM on May 20, 2008
A guy I like and JUST MET didn't show up for my birthday party? Whatever. The same guy who's performance I blew off? Super whatever.
Reading your question, it sounds like you're really not that into her until the point that she was ignoring you. That's fine. That's human nature.
You've made your case with her. Let it be a bit. As weird as it sounds, the only time I ever fell for guyswas when they expressed interest and then left me completely alone for a bit. It demonstrated they had a life outside of relationships. Or made me insecure enough to figure out if they still liked me. Whatever. But if a guy kept hounding me about going out to dinner - or even over apologizing about missing dinner, I can't say as I'd have much respect for him after that.
But I do wonder if the fact that she acted super interested and is now acting cold shoulder is precisely why you're interested now.
posted by Gucky at 6:54 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
Reading your question, it sounds like you're really not that into her until the point that she was ignoring you. That's fine. That's human nature.
You've made your case with her. Let it be a bit. As weird as it sounds, the only time I ever fell for guyswas when they expressed interest and then left me completely alone for a bit. It demonstrated they had a life outside of relationships. Or made me insecure enough to figure out if they still liked me. Whatever. But if a guy kept hounding me about going out to dinner - or even over apologizing about missing dinner, I can't say as I'd have much respect for him after that.
But I do wonder if the fact that she acted super interested and is now acting cold shoulder is precisely why you're interested now.
posted by Gucky at 6:54 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]
... what's up with the texting and email? That's no way to make a girl feel important. Call her with definite plans for dinner, then send her a small bouquet of flowers (nothing overwhelming) with a card the day before your date. It's time to pull out the gentleman moves.
posted by OLechat at 7:44 PM on May 20, 2008
posted by OLechat at 7:44 PM on May 20, 2008
If she was drunk and "all over" other people, that was the first negative signal.
posted by gjc at 8:11 PM on May 20, 2008
posted by gjc at 8:11 PM on May 20, 2008
Regardless of who missed whose birthday party/performance, this passive-aggressive garbage needs to stop. It is not a good sign that the two of you are this into hurting each other when you haven't even gotten through what should still be the fun, discovery part of the relationship.
As for making it up to her for whatever reason you're still interested in pursuing this relationship, I generally take "let's meet and do this sometime" as a way people try to be friendly without making any kind of time commitment to the other person, and inevitably both parties forget about the pseudo-invitation altogether. You are leaving it up to her to pick a time to go out for dinner, which isn't exactly a fun way to get asked out. She is only responding in kind by saying "I know I will see you soon." Since you so rudely blew off her birthday party (whether deserved or not) you are not making a good case for yourself by communicating with her in the way you have.
posted by wondermouse at 8:46 PM on May 20, 2008
As for making it up to her for whatever reason you're still interested in pursuing this relationship, I generally take "let's meet and do this sometime" as a way people try to be friendly without making any kind of time commitment to the other person, and inevitably both parties forget about the pseudo-invitation altogether. You are leaving it up to her to pick a time to go out for dinner, which isn't exactly a fun way to get asked out. She is only responding in kind by saying "I know I will see you soon." Since you so rudely blew off her birthday party (whether deserved or not) you are not making a good case for yourself by communicating with her in the way you have.
posted by wondermouse at 8:46 PM on May 20, 2008
I can't blame her for not setting up another date with you. Before I got married, I dumped any guy who showed up more than 5 minutes late for a date. I figured if they really cared, they wouldn't be late. My husband was 10 minutes early for nearly every date. I couldn't have been more flattered!
But besides that, she sounds like the type who comes on heavy at first and flakes out. That kind of person has commitment issues. If they are really into you right away before they really know you then it's very likely they'll disappear once you reciprocate.
posted by i_love_squirrels at 7:37 AM on May 21, 2008
But besides that, she sounds like the type who comes on heavy at first and flakes out. That kind of person has commitment issues. If they are really into you right away before they really know you then it's very likely they'll disappear once you reciprocate.
posted by i_love_squirrels at 7:37 AM on May 21, 2008
She's obviously a little taken aback you missed her party.
Let me propose a statement that I've learned to be QUITE true in the past 3 years of dating:
"Relationships are like Sharks. If they don't move forward, they die."
'Tis very, very true. You guys had hit things off splendidly in the beginning, tons in common, ability to entertain one another, keep the conversation going and just plainly enjoy each other's company. You have been flaky, no offense this is just how I see it, in your actions pursuing her. If you think you're passive-aggressive you've got to get hold of that nature and let it go! Women, whether they admit it or not (and most will say otherwise), like when a man knows or appears to know what he's doing. A man with a plan you could say.
There is a BIG difference between "I'd like to take you to dinner this week," and "Let's go to *here* on *this day.* I'll pick you up at *time.*" Get it? Women want to be pursued and just like us men who dislike flaky, fickle hot and cold women, they don't care for it either! For instance, I've just met a met new girl 2 days ago. We chatted a bit in person, got along great a lot of core values and interests aligned. We chatted online for an hour or so the next day, and a phone conversation the night after. During that convo I set up coffee with her THIS Saturday at a SPECIFIC place and an EXACT time. She jumped at the opportunity. if I was very vague and didn't lock her down, (like I've done a few times with other women in the past) her interest would wane.
You're only as relevant or important to a woman as RECENT as your actions are. Keep that in mind! Your best move here is to call her, no leaving messages, no texts, no IMs. Speak to her on the phone and lock down the date. No chatting afterwards. She'll see you're taking the initiative and are obviously interested!
Good luck bud!
posted by PetiePal at 10:22 AM on May 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
Let me propose a statement that I've learned to be QUITE true in the past 3 years of dating:
"Relationships are like Sharks. If they don't move forward, they die."
'Tis very, very true. You guys had hit things off splendidly in the beginning, tons in common, ability to entertain one another, keep the conversation going and just plainly enjoy each other's company. You have been flaky, no offense this is just how I see it, in your actions pursuing her. If you think you're passive-aggressive you've got to get hold of that nature and let it go! Women, whether they admit it or not (and most will say otherwise), like when a man knows or appears to know what he's doing. A man with a plan you could say.
There is a BIG difference between "I'd like to take you to dinner this week," and "Let's go to *here* on *this day.* I'll pick you up at *time.*" Get it? Women want to be pursued and just like us men who dislike flaky, fickle hot and cold women, they don't care for it either! For instance, I've just met a met new girl 2 days ago. We chatted a bit in person, got along great a lot of core values and interests aligned. We chatted online for an hour or so the next day, and a phone conversation the night after. During that convo I set up coffee with her THIS Saturday at a SPECIFIC place and an EXACT time. She jumped at the opportunity. if I was very vague and didn't lock her down, (like I've done a few times with other women in the past) her interest would wane.
You're only as relevant or important to a woman as RECENT as your actions are. Keep that in mind! Your best move here is to call her, no leaving messages, no texts, no IMs. Speak to her on the phone and lock down the date. No chatting afterwards. She'll see you're taking the initiative and are obviously interested!
Good luck bud!
posted by PetiePal at 10:22 AM on May 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
PetiePal has it right on the money.
Just thought I'd nth that right or wrong, she's clearly pissed you blew off her birthday. Birthdays are a big deal - there's an annoyingly contrived sense of heightened expectation that you just can't escape, much like New Year's - and that you didn't go is something you're going to have to work hard to overcome.
Good news is, if she didn't like you back, she wouldn't care. You are dangerously close to an all out passive aggression battle - who cares less? let's pay enough attention to just barely stay in the game and find out! - and those very rarely lead to positive relationships.
You owned up to being passive aggressive about the bday. That's good. Now take the lead and show her how awesomely confident and amazing you are and just DEMAND that she let you take her to dinner, as PetiePal said, on a specific night at a specific place.
Good luck!
posted by smallstatic at 10:51 AM on May 21, 2008
Just thought I'd nth that right or wrong, she's clearly pissed you blew off her birthday. Birthdays are a big deal - there's an annoyingly contrived sense of heightened expectation that you just can't escape, much like New Year's - and that you didn't go is something you're going to have to work hard to overcome.
Good news is, if she didn't like you back, she wouldn't care. You are dangerously close to an all out passive aggression battle - who cares less? let's pay enough attention to just barely stay in the game and find out! - and those very rarely lead to positive relationships.
You owned up to being passive aggressive about the bday. That's good. Now take the lead and show her how awesomely confident and amazing you are and just DEMAND that she let you take her to dinner, as PetiePal said, on a specific night at a specific place.
Good luck!
posted by smallstatic at 10:51 AM on May 21, 2008
I would be really upset not only if you missed my birthday, but if you did it in the way you describe here. Just about the most important thing to me is that a guy not let me down, and that he does what he says. If a guy doesn't, he obviously doesn't care about disappointing me and I'll guess that he's only keeping me around for when he doesn't have better plans...and this makes me lose interest QUICK!
I'm probably just repeating what a lot of what others have said, but personally I would like a phone call and a specific invitation for a specific date and time. I'm sooo sick of, "we should get together soon!" Uh, whatever...I don't ask guys out. Such things make me very frustrated. When did guys get so lazy about dating? I have
If you want to get back into her good graces, why not put a little effort into planning something nice and different (e.g. not just your typical date)? If you want to make a girl feel special, put effort into it.
I think there's something to be noted here that has to do with communication between the sexes. Many people think others will only like them if they play hard to get. But if I like a guy, I will be thrilled that he calls me and shows interest. It's only the guys I don't like all that much that I don't react positively to. So, I think that by being more direct, you just get your answer sooner...although it may not always be the answer you want. Now this is just me...maybe there are other girls who enjoy the chase more.
posted by mintchip at 7:29 PM on May 21, 2008
I'm probably just repeating what a lot of what others have said, but personally I would like a phone call and a specific invitation for a specific date and time. I'm sooo sick of, "we should get together soon!" Uh, whatever...I don't ask guys out. Such things make me very frustrated. When did guys get so lazy about dating? I have
If you want to get back into her good graces, why not put a little effort into planning something nice and different (e.g. not just your typical date)? If you want to make a girl feel special, put effort into it.
I think there's something to be noted here that has to do with communication between the sexes. Many people think others will only like them if they play hard to get. But if I like a guy, I will be thrilled that he calls me and shows interest. It's only the guys I don't like all that much that I don't react positively to. So, I think that by being more direct, you just get your answer sooner...although it may not always be the answer you want. Now this is just me...maybe there are other girls who enjoy the chase more.
posted by mintchip at 7:29 PM on May 21, 2008
I agree that you should ask her out *specifically*. And I think - since you've got nothing to lose - that if she declines or demurs, you might add something to the effect that "listen - I feel really bad about missing your party - let me explain - past experiences, my stuff, not you, I overreacted, blah blah blah - and I acted like a Big Sulky Baby." (use your own words, probably not the phrase "big sulky baby", but that's just a general outline). I think we've all been there - I know *I* have - and most likely, she, too, has occasionally reacted in that kind of sad and annoying way. Maybe it'll help. It looks like she was really into you - and that now you've disappointed, hurt, and possibly embarrassed her by not showing up to her birthday. Probably the best way to try to get things back on track is to let her know for *certain* that you want to see her, and to explain that you're self aware enough to understand and take the blame for your actions (and, in doing so, let her know that you aren't mean or a flake).
posted by moxiedoll at 9:25 PM on May 21, 2008
posted by moxiedoll at 9:25 PM on May 21, 2008
It's probably going to be super shitty and tough to explain yourself..
But it's always tough to accept that you fucked up, and to apologize for it. Do the above, bring flowers and a card, and things may work out. She seemed to like you.
Here's an idea for later on. The next time she's wasted and hanging all over everybody, why don't you walk over to her, and whisper into her ear, "hey.. come have a drink with me outside" And sexily lure her out for some 1 on 1 flirtation or kissing or what have you.
What you don't do is internally whine about it while watching her from across the room.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 8:31 AM on May 22, 2008
But it's always tough to accept that you fucked up, and to apologize for it. Do the above, bring flowers and a card, and things may work out. She seemed to like you.
Here's an idea for later on. The next time she's wasted and hanging all over everybody, why don't you walk over to her, and whisper into her ear, "hey.. come have a drink with me outside" And sexily lure her out for some 1 on 1 flirtation or kissing or what have you.
What you don't do is internally whine about it while watching her from across the room.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 8:31 AM on May 22, 2008
Coming from a place where I really couldn't give a fuck about birthdays (Mine's Xmas and I was raised JW) - so whatever. People get so insane over it. Ugh!!
I think you need to ask yourself - might I be dodging a bullet on this one? (Oh and you're clearly sooo jealous about the friend. Whether or not they are a 'threat' to you... are you actually ready for this anyway?)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 1:37 PM on May 22, 2008
I think you need to ask yourself - might I be dodging a bullet on this one? (Oh and you're clearly sooo jealous about the friend. Whether or not they are a 'threat' to you... are you actually ready for this anyway?)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 1:37 PM on May 22, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
You've asked her twice, so I'd back off for now. You have mutual friends, so you're likely to run into eachother soon at some party or bar or something, right? Just be nice to her.
If you decide to try to ask her out again, a phone call will get you further than an email.
My two cents.
posted by prefpara at 12:58 PM on May 20, 2008