Inlaws Behaving Badly?

May 20, 2008 7:31 AM

Does being married justify bad behavior?

That was the hook - here are the details of this very divisive issue. Last year, my (extended) family surprised my father for his retirement/birthday by renting a beach house and having a weekend-long party. In attendance were my father and his wife, my stepbrother and his wife, my brother and his wife, and my girlfriend (now fiance) and I.
The house had four bedrooms, three of which had king-sized beds, and one of which had two twin-sized beds.
We all showed up prior to my stepmother and father, and decided that they would obviously get one of the king-sized beds. My brother suggested that we draw cards to determine which of the remaining couples would be left with the twin-sized beds. As it turned out, my brother and his wife ended up getting the twin beds.
Late that first night, as we were falling asleep, we overheard my brother's wife yelling at the top of her lungs about how incredibly rude his family was, and that we had ruined the evening. After talking to my brother the next day, he told me she was upset about having to sleep in the twin beds, and that it was incredibly rude and disrespectful for my girlfriend and I not to offer to take the twin beds, because we weren't married and everyone else was. This hadn't even occurred to us - my girlfriend and I had been together for several years and live together. Although I disagree with it, I do understand my sister-in-law's point of view, but I think the intensity of her reaction was incongruous with my supposed crime. I'd appreciate some perspective. Thanks!

posted by ghastlyfop to human relations (61 comments total)

To answer your question: No. Your sister-in-law is a drama queen.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 7:35 AM on May 20, 2008 [13 favorites]

After talking to my brother the next day, he told me she was upset about having to sleep in the twin beds, and that it was incredibly rude and disrespectful for my girlfriend and I not to offer to take the twin beds, because we weren't married and everyone else was.

Marriage obliges the state to recognize a relationship. Common decency requires family to recognize a relationship even among the unmarried. Your brother's wife is a brat.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:36 AM on May 20, 2008 [6 favorites]

From the 'traditional' point of view, the married couple should get the king size bed and the non-married couple (even if you live together) are the obvious choice for twin beds since they haven't tied the knot. While I think her reaction is over the top, I can see where she's coming from, being married should get "perks" and that's probably the last one remaining in the world where married and not married is basically the same these days.
posted by dabitch at 7:37 AM on May 20, 2008

(I say that as the permanent girlfriend who always gets the twin bed)
posted by dabitch at 7:38 AM on May 20, 2008

If you're in a long-term, live-in relationship, I think that drawing straws for the king-sized beds is fair. If it was a less serious relationship, I think it would have been polite for the dating couple to volunteer for the twin beds. In your case, I think you and your partner deserve equal consideration with the couples who have legally married.

Other than that, if any of the couples were hosting the event, or if you and your girlfriend didn't pay an equal share for the weekend, that would be another way to sort this out - in that case, I think the people who are footing the bill should have a good room.
posted by handful of rain at 7:41 AM on May 20, 2008

I'd appreciate some perspective.

Really? Or do you just want to know that you're right? That'll go far in improving family relations, I think. Your sister-in-law had to spend a week's vacation with her husband's family, which is probably not her #1 idea of a great time (particularly if she can sense that you don't like her, which I bet she can), and then it turns out she has to sleep in twin beds, oh yeah, that's GREAT fun. Want to make things nicer? Smooth things over for the rest of the week? Offer to take the twin bed room, because it's really not worth the drama. Oh wait, this was LAST YEAR! LAST YEAR???? You're still holding a grudge over this and it was last year???? I was going to tell you to get over it and I thought this was LAST NIGHT. Oh good grief, get over it already!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:41 AM on May 20, 2008 [25 favorites]

and that it was incredibly rude and disrespectful for my girlfriend and I not to offer to take the twin beds

This is debatable. What's not debatable is that for them to wait until the second day to bring it up, rather than bringing it up on the first day, is definitely rude. That didn't help anybody.
posted by Dec One at 7:41 AM on May 20, 2008

First, she's being a brat. Second, the correct time to protest would have been BEFORE drawing cards. Supposedly she consented to randomly deciding on the sleeping arrangements, right? And it was your brother, her husband, who suggested that as a the best way to make the decision? If she wouldn't have been ok with any possible outcome, she shouldn't have played the game.
posted by TurkishGolds at 7:42 AM on May 20, 2008

Yep, your sister-in-law is self-centered, self-important, and generally obnoxious. If you're in a relationship with someone that's significant enough that you took her with you to an overnight family gathering, and she went willingly, then the two of you deserve a king bed just as much as the married couples do. This is 2008, not 1958, after all, and it's not exactly rare for unmarried but committed couples to sleep in the same bed, even when around married couples.

Your SIL obviously thinks the fact that her relationship has been recognized by the state and possibly her religion gives here some rights to better sleeping arrangements. She's wrong.
posted by cerebus19 at 7:42 AM on May 20, 2008 [3 favorites]

"...gives her some rights...," that is.
posted by cerebus19 at 7:44 AM on May 20, 2008

Like dabitch, I can see that being the traditional view, and in my family where I'm the only unmarried and partnered one, I would likely have volunteered to take that room just to make life easier. But the wife should have been angry at you brother/her husband, not at you. If I read the question right, your brother was the one to suggest the drawing of straws rather than soliciting her opinion on the matter. So the fact that she ended up in the twin bed was really more his fault than yours.

Just for curiosity's sake, how would you have reacted if she had suggested up front that you and your girlfriend take the twin beds?
posted by cabingirl at 7:44 AM on May 20, 2008

If she had such a fucking problem, she should have mentioned it before the drawing of cards. To not complain or make any mention until later, thus ruining everyone's sleep, shows that she can safely be told to fuck right off with no ethical qualms whatever.
posted by notsnot at 7:45 AM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

I (a married guy) agree with the majority here, but dabitch's response shows why this is ultimately an unanswerable question. Marriage is a ritual. Rituals have as much meaning as you choose to give them. Not everyone makes the same choice. So while to me it seems obvious that you and your girlfriend are just as "married" as your brother and his wife, other people see it differently.

Sometimes there's a practical dimension to etiquette. For instance, it helps everyone out if you walk on the right side of the sidewalk. But I don't see a practical dimension here. It just comes down to individual mores.

Even if 90% of people here say "Your sister-in-law is wrong," I don't see what that proves other than 90% of people here think your sister is wrong.

Right or wrong, I do think she was boorish to make a big stink about it.
posted by grumblebee at 7:45 AM on May 20, 2008

Your sister in law is out of line. If she disagreed with the rules of your agreement she should have voiced her opinion before the cards were drawn. Obviously in her mind there was no need for her and your brother to take part in this drawing because (according to the way she thinks) the twin bed should have gone to you in the first place. Even then, I am not sure why marriage makes her relationship any more special than yours, you live with your partner and share everything with her. In my mind the only difference between you two is that the marriage paper makes it harder and more difficult to leave the relationship that she has with your brother. Unlike you, I dont understand her point of view and also do not condone her behavior.
posted by The1andonly at 7:48 AM on May 20, 2008

now i'm not certain, but if you push two twin beds together, doesn't that make a king?

i have a king size bed, but there are two box springs under it. i always assumed they were twins, but never measured.

you know, in case you want to shut the barn door now that the horse is gone.
posted by stubby phillips at 7:49 AM on May 20, 2008 [2 favorites]

Jesus, PinkSuperhero. I ask because among people I've discussed this with, it seems like literally half the people think we were rude for not offering to take it, and half agree that we were correct and that she was just being a bitch, and I'm truly fascinated to hear people's reasoning behind their opinions, because there are degrees of validity to each.
And it's particularly topical because this past weekend we all reunited in the same house for the one year anniversary of the weekend, and my fiance and I offered to take the twin beds, not because we aren't yet married but because my brother and his wife did last year.
posted by ghastlyfop at 7:49 AM on May 20, 2008 [2 favorites]

She was out of line and may have had other expectations going in, those probably need a reset and the reset didn't go too well. Might have been a long day for her and she may have not wanted to deal with it. Family dynamics is fun.
posted by iamabot at 7:49 AM on May 20, 2008

Despite being adults with our acts together and living in harmony for several years, both Ms. Vegetable and my own parents get prickly about us sleeping in the same bed at family things. There's also the little-from-column-A little-from-column-B approach: 2*(some people think that married people get that privilege) + 5*(drama queen) +3*(other crap going on in their marriage that you don't know about) = shitfit over trivial perceived slight at family get-together
posted by a robot made out of meat at 7:50 AM on May 20, 2008

Does being married justify bad behavior?

No. That's your question, there's your answer.

As for the perspective, I'd just chalk your sister-in-law up as someone who needs to be catered to and expects her mind read, and leave that maintenance task to your brother. It sounds pretty complex and time-consuming.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 7:52 AM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

I understand her point, but if I were ranking offenses, "Fighting Loud Enough So that My In-Laws Can Hear Through the Walls That I Hate Them Over Something I Was Too Pussy to Discuss Like an Adult" ranks waaaaaaaaaaaaaay above "Forgot that Some People Think that Married Couples Should Have More Bed-Rights than Other Kinds of Couples".

If she wants to be a brat about it, that's one thing, but to fight loud enough for other people to hear? That is really uncool. Fighting should be a private thing, and now I have to know all this stuff? Ughghhggh.
posted by 23skidoo at 7:54 AM on May 20, 2008 [6 favorites]

wait... the brother who suggested that you draw cards later complained or the other (step)brother?

and, uh, did your brother's wife ever say out loud that... wait. no.

forget it.

a) having to sleep in a twin bed shouldn't ruin anything.
b) if it DID, then insisting someone else sleep in a twin bed does not suggest much of someone's character
c) feeling that strongly about something and neglecting to say anything about it when it could have made a difference but then passive aggressively ruining everyone else's weekend...

i suggest you try and let it drop. telling your brother that his wife was out of line and he was out of line in at least they WAY they brought the issue to light will do you no good. instead, perhaps saying, "gosh. next time please let me know when something like that is important to you as obviously we have different expectations."

unfortunately, as this happened last year and you're still thinking about it, i bet it's reared it's ugly head again. i think that since your brother has the poor fortune to be so miserable about something so petty, you should take pity on him and offer to take the short straw however it's manifesting this time. while it may not be fair, stressing about stuff like this will just turn you as miserable as your brother.

is that what's happening now? obviously something is up or you wouldn't be asking. if your brother is still making drama about something that happened last year, ugh.
posted by xz at 7:55 AM on May 20, 2008

I seem to be the only one so far that thinks there is some problem that you guys were drawing straws to begin with.

In similar situations, among family, someone usually happily volunteers and says something like "Oh twin beds are fun! We'll take them. You guys take the Kings...No, no, its no problem." This way the twin bed people feel a bit virtuous and everyone else gets their King bed. Win-win, among loving families.

Drawing straws is usually suggested among greedy players not family. At least not from my experience. What you didn't mention is that relations, going into this, are a bit sour among all the players. And the reaction from your SIL is the reaction of someone who realizes this all too well and just had it confirmed again.
posted by vacapinta at 7:55 AM on May 20, 2008 [16 favorites]

And it's particularly topical because this past weekend we all reunited in the same house for the one year anniversary of the weekend, and my fiance and I offered to take the twin beds, not because we aren't yet married but because my brother and his wife did last year.

That's nice. You should still get over last year and put it behind you. I can't imagine it does anything to improve relations with your sister-in-law to let people tell you over and over she's a bitch. This is your brother's wife, she's YOUR family, too; why would you not protect her from that? It was one bad night a year ago, haven't you ever had a bad day?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:56 AM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

Some questions are difficult to distill down to one sentence.
posted by ghastlyfop at 7:56 AM on May 20, 2008

The key detail is: is this your older brother or younger brother? If it was your older brother, you were clearly in the wrong.
posted by BinGregory at 8:00 AM on May 20, 2008

ah. just saw your second post ghastlyfop.

good call offering to take the twins. being happy is better than being right, though, so if i were you i'd just do my best to concentrate on that and forget last year's drama.

good luck!
posted by xz at 8:00 AM on May 20, 2008

Does being married justify bad behavior?

My mistress says yes.

Seriously though, if you've been carrying this with you for a year, then it's time to either drop it or get some closure.

Although I think your sis-in-law was over the top, I know how it can be when one person responds emotionally to a seemingly "logical" outcome.

In my experience, people who respond in that manner tend to blow up, but fizzle out quickly (I hope she's not a grudge-holder).

I'd bring it up to her in a light but sincere way, when the time is right, and just tell her that you sometimes still feel bad that her feelings were hurt, and her opinion not considered on that occasion (not necessarily "I was wrong").

You will both feel better.
posted by Mr. Anthropomorphism at 8:05 AM on May 20, 2008

You should still get over last year and put it behind you.

I ask because among people I've discussed this with, it seems like literally half the people think we were rude for not offering to take it, and half agree that we were correct and that she was just being a bitch, and I'm truly fascinated to hear people's reasoning behind their opinions, because there are degrees of validity to each.

This is a good reason to ask a question. He shouldn't get over it. (He should get over anger and resentment, but he shouldn't get over curiosity.) He should ask, listen and learn. Which is what he's doing.

I actually had the same reaction as vacapinta. Is it normal in your family to draw straws over things like this?
posted by grumblebee at 8:05 AM on May 20, 2008 [2 favorites]

It rates a mild grump in a low voice from the sister-in-law to her husband alone. Yelling about it is way over the top.
posted by tyllwin at 8:09 AM on May 20, 2008

You did good by taking the twins this year. I have to say though, I can't believe spending two nights in a twin bed is such a big deal and major imposition that adults are arguing over it, dwelling on it, holding grudges, and basically spending more than three seconds of their lives thinking about it. This isn't healthy for your head or your familial relations. If you have the chance to spend the weekend in the same house next year, take the twins again (even if you're married by then), push them together, and voila, king-size bed AND everyone's happy AND you and your gf come off looking like the good guys that you are.
posted by iconomy at 8:10 AM on May 20, 2008

now i'm not certain, but if you push two twin beds together, doesn't that make a king?


Yes I am able to confirm them over several spring breaks in which twin beds were pushed together in order to be "closer" ;-)
posted by The1andonly at 8:13 AM on May 20, 2008

My brother is two years older than me - I should have mentioned this, as it is a modifying factor. And yes, I'm obviously over the anger (and embarrassment - my fiance was meeting the family for the first time that weekend), but it is, in my opinion, a really interesting, gray area type issue. If you disagree, feel free not to respond.
posted by ghastlyfop at 8:16 AM on May 20, 2008

And the straw drawing thing was almost an afterthought - we just arrived, saw the bedroom situation, and did it. Sleeping in a twin bed really didn't seem like anything to get upset about, and if we'd thought it was, we would have gladly taken them. Maybe the question if whether or not you consider having to do so a slight of yellable proportions.
posted by ghastlyfop at 8:19 AM on May 20, 2008

I'll second that the drawing of straws was a bad sign.
posted by sully75 at 8:20 AM on May 20, 2008

As a homo in a LTR, I can totally relate when it comes to a less traditional relationship being subtly (or even blatantly) devalued by family members. You just have to count on yourself to always be the person who laughs off small stuff like sleeping arrangements and who thinks of shit like pushing the beds togetherNot only is pushing the beds together the best advice for whomever gets them, it's exactly what you should have shouted through the wall that night. In that case, no matter who got the twins this time, everyone would probably be laughing about it this year instead of just avoiding the issue.

"Hey, remember last year when I was really tired and getting upset about the beds and suddenly we heard ghastlyfop shout, 'Just push that shit together, already! We're all trying to get some sleep!'?"
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 8:27 AM on May 20, 2008

Forget it. Seriously - this isn't worth holding a grudge over. Make amends with your brother and his wife. Swallow your pride. Come to an arrangement you both feel good about, and then forget this ever happened.

If it's going to make you feel better - you only need to deal with this for a day or two - your brother is married to this, though everyone freaks out from time to time.
posted by xammerboy at 8:34 AM on May 20, 2008

The key detail is: is this your older brother or younger brother? If it was your older brother, you were clearly in the wrong.

What?! Thats just as stupid as saying because they're married they deserve the king. They're adults. A few years age difference means nothing.

To consider a fair/random allocation of rooms to be rude based purely on her old fashioned values and to loudly complain about it, disturbing other people who were trying to sleep is incredibly rude. She's also a drama-queen for suggesting the sleeping arrangements had ruined the evening. My parents booked a cruise for my partner and I and we had separate beds for the whole week but it was still a wonderful present and we had a great time (and it didn't stop us getting up to no good)

She's entitled to her view point but when you're in someone else's home (or on holiday with someone else's family) you can't expect to get your own way and have everything how your family would do it. It would be like going to your in-laws for christmas/thanksgiving and considering them rude because they have different family traditions than yours.
posted by missmagenta at 8:35 AM on May 20, 2008

I'm with vacapinta and the other straw-drawing puzzlers. I also think you need to take into account that you had to ask her brother what the problem was, and therefore you don't necessarily know everything about why your SIL was having a meltdown. Even if he tried to be 100% forthcoming with you about it, there's the whole messenger dynamic at play.

I think JUST GET OVER IT is almost always a useless answer in AskMe. But if EVERYONE HAS A BAD DAY applies here? Especially knowing that in-law gatherings can be stressful? I might run with that.
posted by gnomeloaf at 8:38 AM on May 20, 2008

I vote bad behavior on the part of the SIL.

I wonder if there were other things going on besides the twin beds. If she feels that she is constantly ignored or disliked by the family (or something like that), or that you are the favorite child (or something like that), or some other structural issue, she might think, see, these twin beds are Just One More Example. She'd be wrong, and her behavior would still be bad. But the reaction seems so off that I wonder if there was more going on.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:03 AM on May 20, 2008

drawing straws seems to be a fair approach, and if the woman had a problem with it, she should have spoken up then.

also? twin beds would be awesome! a night in your own bed--even a twin--is a rare gift when you're married.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 9:08 AM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

Do they have kids? Was this a rare opportunity to get some nookie without having the kids around? That's really the only thing I can see to justify her anger. Otherwise drawing straws seems like a perfectly logical way to go about it.
posted by MsMolly at 9:08 AM on May 20, 2008

Families are weird and pick strange battlegrounds to work out tensions and larger issues. Mine is currently up in arms about what was or was not said last year in a request to turn down a ceiling fan. There probably isn't a "right" answer, which is why only half the people you talk to agree with you.
posted by judith at 9:18 AM on May 20, 2008

Do I think the behavior as you described it unreasonable? Yes, absolutely. It doesn't reflect well on her, and there's no way of justifying it and saying that she was right to throw a tantrum. But I can see situations in which it would be justified as easily as I can see ones where she's being a drama queen. Especially with family stuff and in-law stuff, some dynamics of power and status come out through little things and refer to big things. My friend had a continual complaint for a very long time about her husband's mom sitting in the front seat of the car while she took the back. This had nothing to do with who got the nice view out the windshield, it had to do with her husband treating her like crap for years in favor of keeping his manipulative, unstable mom happy, refusing to communicate about it or change things (shutting down discussion entirely, really), and letting her feel, in every way, that her happiness and her relationship with him were in every way less important than his mom always being happy and that as a matter of fact she was a huge obstacle to this happiness and his mom's enemy, and he was going to side with his mom. If my friend's husband came here and posted "My wife always gets pissed when my mom is visiting and I let her have the front seat of the car," he'd get a bunch of supportive "Your wife needs to chill out" responses, and all of those responses wouldn't have any relation to what was actually going on.

You wrote that you and your fiancee had been together for several years at the time, but then also that this was the first time she had met any of them, and you weren't engaged at the time; this could affect how she saw the situation. I don't think a committed long-term relationship is somehow less valuable than a marriage at all, but that was the first time they'd met her, and they may not have seen it as "long-term relationship" but as "new girlfriend." How long have your brother and sister-in-law been married? It's purely speculation, but perhaps your sister-in-law may have been feeling that your family didn't respect her, didn't like her, didn't think much of her marriage to your brother and would be just as happy if they divorced tomorrow, and possibly that her husband didn't care, wouldn't stand up for her or take her side, didn't understand her feelings. I can see how this would be the last straw: a new girl with no history with the family shows up and now gets the same standing as she's worked to get, even "higher" because of the whole bed thing. In this scenario, the beds serve the same function of the car seats: they don't really mean anything on their own, but they symbolize the place your sister-in-law felt she occupied and it wasn't precisely high.

I am, obviously, making a lot of assumptions based on my experiences and those of other women I've known or read about, regarding position, respect and really petty things like who gets what seat or what bed or what position in the picture. Really, I hope it doesn't apply with yours, and that she was having a bad day, is very conservative, or perhaps actually is selfish, oversensitive, bitchy, emotional or touchy, rather than having those feelings about herself and your family. And again, yelling about it wasn't a great solution however she felt.
posted by shirobara at 9:20 AM on May 20, 2008 [4 favorites]

She certainly has a right to her opinion that the unmarrieds should have taken the twin beds. Having this opinion doesn't make her rude, but she sure handled it badly.

Pitching a screaming fit after the fact is rude. Waking everyone up was rude. Suggesting that the sleeping arrangements ruined the evening is really disrespectful.

She should've objected to the straw-drawing in the first place. Or even if she had said, "hey, we lost the straw drawing, and now I'm feeling pretty sour grapes. I think it would be nice if you two deferred to the marrieds and took the twin beds." She may have gotten voted down, but she would've at least had the balls to introduce the question like a grownup.

I think that the real issue is that it was her husband who decided this scheme and caused her to "lose."

Good for you for taking the high road and taking the twin beds this year. Perhaps you can have a quick chat with your stepbrother and privately agree that they'll take the twin beds next year (or the equivalent sacrifice in a family situation, if you're not going back to this house next year.) Perhaps that would help teach your sister-in-law that in your family, people share and take turns, FFS.
posted by desuetude at 9:21 AM on May 20, 2008

[few comments removed - this is chatty, yes, but not a total lulzfreeforall, thanks]
posted by jessamyn at 9:29 AM on May 20, 2008

The brother and sister in law are way wrong.

So a year ago, there was a gathering with family and a girlfriend.

If girlfriend = family, drawing straws seems eminently fair absent some sort of health concern.

If girlfriend != family, then girlfriend = guest. Polite, hospitable people would ensure that a guest of the family did not receive the undesirable room. The brother's statement that a guest should have volunteered to take the undesirable room so that family did not have to means that he severely lacks hospitality. While the father is the focus of the weekend, it should be family putting itself out to be a good host to guest.

Note: I am semi-southern.

Do they have kids? Was this a rare opportunity to get some nookie without having the kids around?

I assure you that you can fuck just fine in a twin bed.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:29 AM on May 20, 2008

I ask because among people I've discussed this with, it seems like literally half the people think we were rude for not offering to take it, and half agree that we were correct and that she was just being a bitch, and I'm truly fascinated to hear people's reasoning behind their opinions, because there are degrees of validity to each.

So..

- everyone's answer is valid (except TPS, clearly)
- your motivation for asking the question is 'I would like to participate in a discussion about X,'
- there is no problem to be solved, or the problem is some variant of "I'm curious if other people feel like I do"

What sounds familiar about this set of conditions you have met?
posted by jacalata at 9:31 AM on May 20, 2008

The only scenario in which I could see the sister-in-law's point being a justified one is if your dad and stepmom, who were the guests-of-honor on the trip, had a moral/religious issue with non-married couples sleeping together in the same bed and doing so would make the trip uncomfortable for them. Since you didn't mention anything about that, I'm assuming it isn't so, in which case I think your sister-in-law was probably just sore about getting the crummy room and looked for a way to make it someone's fault. But, no, I don't think married couples have some sort of veto rights over non-married couples in regards to getting to sleep together.
posted by The Gooch at 9:34 AM on May 20, 2008

Do they have kids? Was this a rare opportunity to get some nookie without having the kids around?

I assure you that you can fuck just fine in a twin bed.

See, and I was going to say, as someone married for double-digit years with two kids, that I would VOLUNTEER in a HEARTBEAT for a room with twin beds so I could get some goddamn sleep by myself, ALONE, without anybody getting in my space.

Sweet, sweet space.

In any case, these kinds of things, when families and relationships collide, are always weird, and I usually just try to take some kind of middle way and take notes to make it all into a funny story later. It sounds like this is over and done, though, and probably won't be an issue that comes up again unless you make it so (since the question seems to be more about "is this weird?" than "how can I make this less weird?").
posted by mothershock at 9:43 AM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

Of course marriage doesn't authorize bad behavior.

But that doesn't mean that you (or your brother) behaved well, either. You, your brother, and your stepbrother should have solved the room issue in the way that is nicest to your various wives/girlfriends.

Maybe that means since you are the youngest (and yes, unmarried), you get stuck with the crummy room. Maybe that means saying right at the beginning, "hey, Wife A has a bad back, so she needs to be in the room with the best bed," or whatever. Drawing straws is an assertion of equality and egalitarianism -- "we will all take the same chance of getting the crummy room" -- but in real life not everyone is equal. Someone can't sleep without their favorite pillow, someone else needs to be far from the snorer, someone has had the absofuckinglutely worst flight ever to get here, and someone is a total drama queen who will have a full-volume hissy fit if she can't get her way. If it is only you and your brothers, yes, draw straws and give each other some charley horses and knuckle-rubs while you are at it. With guests (the partners who are sort of in the family, but sort of not), be civilized and give the nice rooms to the people who need them more, or who just care more. It's stupid and maybe unfair, but it's good manners, too.

The late-night yelling was inappropriate. But one wonders if it comes out of her feeling like she has been treated poorly in subtle ways by the brother's family? I've been in that situation before, and it sucks, because it is not one big thing you can point to, but an accretion of small things that really rankle, and then when you finally blow your top and yell "I've had it!" it turns out you are yelling about something (like the straw-drawing and the small beds) that just isn't all that big a deal really, and then you are really embarrassed and don't say anything until the small issues build up again a year later.

And, it was your brother's duty -- if he knew his wife was about to have a meltdown and really cared about the rooms -- to come talk to you and say hey dude, sorry to inconvenience you, but do you mind if we switch? He's the one who is supposed to be the buffer between his family and his wife, and he didn't manage to do that.

(As an aside, in some countries when you get a hotel room you are asked if you want separate beds or a "cama matrimonial": a matrimonial bed. The idea that big beds are for married people is pretty common; as is the practice of treating (even very long-term) boy/girlfriends as less permanent additions to the family than a spouse. That doesn't make those things right as it does make them part of the background against which we live our lives. Not every battle is worth winning, sometimes.)
posted by Forktine at 9:49 AM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

Huh. Want to swap families? Because although Mr. HotToddy and I have been married for 20 years, we have been married the least amount of time of his siblings by about 6 months. As a consequence, we have been deemed deserving of the shit end of every stick at family gatherings for the past two decades, including getting the bunk beds every single fucking time. We are permanently the low couple on the totem pole. Drawing straws for bedrooms sounds eminently fair to me. SIL was behaving badly, but in-law situations can really suck and you should probably just let it go.
posted by HotToddy at 9:56 AM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

She's being utterly ridiculous. I actually sort of think that the non married couple should get preference over the married couple because unless you live together, chances are you don't get to spend every night together like the married couple does and it would be gracious of them to allow you to spend your vacation together in one bed, when they get to every night.

Of course for the life of me I can't understand why you all just didn't help push the two beds together and rearrange the sheets so that there was virtually no difference.
posted by whoaali at 11:28 AM on May 20, 2008

whoaali just beat me to it. Push the freakin beds together and be done with it.
posted by desjardins at 11:40 AM on May 20, 2008

I think it was bratty behavior on her part. Sure, she might have been having a bad day. I'm not saying hold it against her, but that doesn't mean it wasn't bratty behavior.

I'm taken aback by some of the people here freaking out at you about this. You don't seem to be holding a grudge and I think you made it clear you're just genuinely curious since you've heard all sorts of answers. AskMeFi is supposed to be for getting other people's perspectives...
posted by Nattie at 11:51 AM on May 20, 2008

I agree with everyone else who says this is likely more about symbols and status than a bed. You gave your parents a King without question: why? Because they are heads of the family, they are older, and it was an occasion celebrating their marriage. Even the most egalitarian family has these kinds of unspoken rules meant to show respect.

If your sister-in-law is perpetually unhappy around your family it could be that she has a generally bad disposition but it could also be that too many of your unspoken rules are making her feel disrespected and unloved. People in such situations often get caught in bad feedback loops -- the unhappier they get, the worse they behave, and the more poorly they are treated. If it keeps up long enough it has a way of becoming permanent bad blood.

Without making an obvious show of it, try treating her with extra care this next visit. That may rankle if you don't like her very well, but worst case scenario is that she really is a "total bitch" and you haven't let her make you one because you're being as thoughtful and kind as you can possibly be. It can be something as small as including her in little in-jokes, asking if she wants a drink when you are getting one, or praising something she's done. Make it less about who's right and more about being happy. (Yes, I know you didn't ask for this advice but I'm giving it anyway: just pretend I'm your old Aunt May who has lot of ideas for right living and drives you nuts with them but you always smile and get her some tea anyway, because that's how it goes in families.)
posted by melissa may at 11:53 AM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

She was being a baby. They could have pushed the damn beds together instead of freaking out.
posted by fructose at 12:11 PM on May 20, 2008

Wow... I would never do that. If I lost my goddamn mind and did that I would be too embarassed and ashamed of myself to refer to the event by holding a grudge over it. Argh! That's really making me cringe. She had a massive 'tanty' with the intention of a house full of adults, knowing just how... Oh man, it's a fucking trainwreck!

Even jeebus wasn't carrying on about what kind of bed you were fornicating in! But I suppose that argument is better than her just kicking and screaming about how she.. didn't want that bed.

I would tell them that as it is evidently so vital to whether she has a 'good' time - to always bring a mattress just in case - as no one is interested in listening to a repeat performance of that rubbish ever again.

Who ruins their FILs birthday/retirement surprise party all-the-family-is-together weekend over "I wanted to have a big bed! Everybody that has a big bed is going to be sorry!"

I would just be too mortified for words...
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 1:26 PM on May 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

In the instances where we've vacationed with my in-laws, his parents get the master and the two couples get first come first served. If there is ever a problem with what one couple ends up with vs the other, there is a discussion about it amongst the four of us. 99.9% of the time, what we end up with is not a problem.

While I understand how she might perhaps feel it a slight to her "position" in the family, it is probably one of the most insignificant things to get her panties in a wad about. It reeks of someone who is high-maintenance, childish, and doesn't quite think on her feet.
posted by arishaun at 2:07 PM on May 20, 2008

I'm guessing that this is not the only thing that happened to your sister-in-law that day to push her over the edge into anger over something that doesn't seem like a big deal to you.

I will note, however, that lots of folks from different backgrounds take unmarrieds sleeping together in different ways. My own conservative family would have had a problem with allowing it, especially if you were not even engaged at the time of the incident, as you say you weren't. If your sister in law is from a more conservative family she could have taken the fact that you received equal -- or in fact better -- treatment as a slight against her own standing in the family. This might not seem like a big deal to you or most people, but to some folks it is.

But imho the fact that you are calling your sister in law a bitch in this thread is sort of regrettable. As TPS says, haven't you ever had a bad day? There could be a whole history there involving your sister-in-law's day, and her treatment by your family, and her particular interaction with her husband and/or your family and/or the check-out clerk at the grocery store that day that you are not really seeing. On the first day of our vacation this year all of our bags were lost and my husband and I were to some degree not the nicest people in the world for several hours. I wouldn't judge your sister-in-law (and certainly not all married people) in perpetuity over one small incident.
posted by onlyconnect at 2:31 PM on May 20, 2008

I'm performing one of my own pet peeves by not reading every single reply before replying, but I did read most of them, so I hope this hasn't already been brought up....

And I mean, I'm sorry, but, this whole conflict is based on the assumption that ALL MARRIED COUPLES WANT TO SLEEP IN THE SAME BED. This may be true in this particular group of people, but you all wouldn't have even known if it were not the case. I know it's customary and generally presumed that married couples sleep in the same bed, cuddle and have sex and all that. But sorry, it isn't always so. Some people like their space. Some have snoring issues. Farting issues. Blanket-stealing issues. And, especially when you're talking about a few days away from home, staying in a house WITH FAMILY, not a romantic getaway or a honeymoon. What the hell? Some couples, even those who *do* cuddle all night at home, might enjoy a night in separate beds. Geeze. This is a conflict based on a bunch of nonsense all around. What the fuck with the drama queen.

And as I did read someone else say: push the beds together, for fuck's sake. (Sorry about the language, but I hate the fucking drama.)

Wouldn't it have been funny if you and your fiance would have actually kind of liked to have the separate beds (maybe one of you really needs a pedicure and it's plain unpleasant to touch one another; maybe the house is kept too warm and you'll sleep far apart anyway; maybe one of you isn't feeling well) but you drew the king? Ha ha ha ha ha ... drama queen would deserve it. (Sorry.)
posted by iguanapolitico at 6:07 PM on May 20, 2008

Your sister-in-law's reaction seems disproportionate if you think this was just about who sleeps where. It was probably not about the beds. Dropping an your in-law into your childhood family dynamic for a week of togetherness is rife with peril. There were almost certainly a number of perceived slights, going back months or years, building up her meltdown. It is also probably not the first such conversation she has had with your brother--just the first for which you were in the next room.

All you can do is be alert that your sister-in-law probably feels like an outsider within your family, and try to be sensitive to it. Your brother can probably give you tips as to where the landmines lie.
posted by A Long and Troublesome Lameness at 10:34 AM on May 22, 2008