hey, here's a card! see you in... not sure when!

May 19, 2008 2:49 PM

Do you attend the birthdays of your nieces and nephews (if they don't live all that close to you)?

I used to live close to family, with all my siblings in maximum 2.5 hour driving distance. So for years, I'd go to the birthdays of my nieces and nephews, happily, and the distance was workable.

But I recently moved several US states away, and am beginning to feel bad about not attending the birthdays of my nieces/nephews. I call, send them a card/gift, but I'm going to be present. It's difficult (and expensive) to hop a plane and take that time for an afternoon's birthday party. I don't see this changing. The distance, in a lot of ways, has been important to my health and is something I quite badly needed. I have another year of grad school, and after that, I will very likely work internationally.

But I'm also starting to feel a bit guilty, for being the only one who isn't celebrating with them. The next "furthest" family member is my sister in law, who lives bout 6 hours driving distance, and she goes for every birthday.

What I'm trying to gauge, is some concept of what is "normal" for people in these situations - I know every family is different, but I don't have a lot of precedents to work with (with my own aunts and uncles, my dad's side was halfway across the world, and we were estranged from my mom's side). Because of this, I don't feel I really know what's "normal."

My siblings aren't making me feel guilty about missing their birthdays, it's mostly self-induced. I think because my siblings and I never really had much experience with this whole aunts and uncles and extended family thing, we've all remained in relative close distance enough to maintain bonds within our own immediate family. I don't feel this is realistic for the path I'm on (and want to be on) in life.

How involved are you in the lives of your nieces and nephews? What are some ways I can cope with feeling guilty for not being around them? What might constitute "normal" or "average" for such inevitables in relationships with growing extended family?

posted by jalebi to human relations (19 comments total)

They might be really pleased that you are thinking about them, even if it is difficult for you to make it there physically. A phone call during the celebration, or even better, a webcam connection, might just be the special thing that will make everyone (including you) very happy.
posted by bluefrog at 2:55 PM on May 19, 2008

I think there's a very wide range of "normal." My extended family is large (my mother is one of seven children, I've got a couple dozen cousins), and I grew up far away from them. I never got - or expected - so much as a card from any of my aunts, uncles, or cousins. My siblings and I all live a fair distance from one another and we don't visit each other on birthdays. None of us have any kids, so I can't speak to that, but I would imagine we wouldn't visit each other's kids for their birthdays.

Sending cards and gifts are fine in this situation, and probably more than most relatives do. You can always call, or send thinking-of-you cards at various points throughout the year - both would be nice gestures.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:02 PM on May 19, 2008

You could do something cool and special for your nieces and nephews that wouldn't require your being there in person. Like a video of you singing them happy birthday or something along those lines.

I don't think you should be feeling any guilt in not wanting to fly somewhere for an afternoon birthday party. Heck, I don't feel guilty when I don't feel like making the hour and a half long drive up to visit my wife's parents.
posted by fenriq at 3:08 PM on May 19, 2008

If they're young, your presence is likely to be lost in the shuffle of all the birthday fun they're having, and a visitor may be an unpredictably stressful variable as far as the child's parents are concerned. Why not swing a visit a month before or a month after birthday so everyone gets the attention they deserve?

Anyway, getting presents from relatives when it's NOT your birthday is way more fun in lots of ways. When you show up the next month bearing gifts, you'll make a greater impact than just being one more at the party.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 3:11 PM on May 19, 2008

I think it's more important to make an individual effort to know your niece/nephew, than to send things on birthdays or be there on certain days. If you're able to have him/her visit that also makes for great memories (my first traveling adventure sans parents was as a younger teenger visiting family members ). Also, it meant a lot to be invited for Thanksgiving/etc if I was going to college/etc near extended family.

My aunts/uncles showed up at graduations, weddings, and from pictures birth, baptisms, and so on. Gifts were usually cards. Once in awhile a family barbeque, reunion, etc would occur right next to a person's birthday and then we'd get a cake.

I've tried to see my niece fairly but she's very small. I imagine I'll continue sending cards, and send gifts when I can, but will mainly visit for other holidays/trips.
posted by ejaned8 at 3:16 PM on May 19, 2008

My nephews live in Tucson, and I'm in Portland. When they were born, I was single, and able to be there right after both of their births and a few times a year thereafter. Then, I got married, bought a house, and watched my casual travel budget shrink/disappear into the house. So, now, I don't get down there much (once a year at the most), but I've adapted - I call a lot more than I used to, I send gifts/books every now and again for no real reason (nothing extravagant, just a few small things), and I'm generally more attuned to how they're doing now that I don't see them a lot, if that makes any sense.

The most important thing is to maintain a presence, in whatever form that takes. Call a lot, set up webcams, whatever - just make sure you don't only see/talk to/send them stuff only on Christmas and birthdays.
posted by pdb at 3:25 PM on May 19, 2008

Metroid Baby said,
I think there's a very wide range of "normal."

This is so true. I haven't seen or heard from one of my uncles in ten years (not because of any bad blood, we just live on opposite ends of the world.)

I think you may just miss them, because moving away from close family can be difficult. If you can afford the time and expense, you may want to visit them for the first year or two until you adjust to living far away.
posted by theiconoclast31 at 3:25 PM on May 19, 2008

Growing up, I may have gotten $5 from one or two of my aunts & uncles (and I have about 20 aunts & uncles). And that would have come from the aunt who lived on our same street, for example. Me & my closest aged female cousin were best friends growing up, and even her mom & dad didn't come to my birthday or give me a present. Birthdays were not really a big deal, which was just fine with me.
posted by peep at 3:40 PM on May 19, 2008

Most of my family is in New Jersey, I live in Tahoe. I do go home a few times a year, but it's usually not around a family event like someone's birthday.

I hate that I miss so much of my niece's and nephew's growing up days, but remember, they are important EVERY DAY not just their birthdays.

So do what you can - call them randomly and talk to them, even if it's just for a minute. Send them something silly through the mail as a surprise. Postcards are great. Your physical presence might be missed on a birthday, but they'll look forward to any kind of communication in any kind of form.
posted by HeyAllie at 3:47 PM on May 19, 2008

We have the same situation. We send presents and cards on the actual birthday and then when the family is all together at big holidays, we get a cake, light candles, and sing to all the "missed" birthdays. Makes for a fun song, you celebrate as a family and is reasonable to all involved. It might be a bit of overkill but the kids enjoy it and who doesn't love a party?
posted by pearlybob at 3:50 PM on May 19, 2008

Hell no, I don't go visit for my nieces and nephews birthdays. It's a matter of scale. I have 9 (with 10 and 11 on the way) nieces and nephews, all aged 9 and under. Clearly, gift giving and birthday parties do not scale. We see them at family gatherings, and that's it. With a family that big, expectations are pretty low.
posted by crazycanuck at 3:58 PM on May 19, 2008

I grew up a thousand miles from my aunts. One of them paid almost no attention to me, and I had very little connection to her. The other one, even though she wasn't there in person, sent cards & letters, she sent gifts for holidays. She had me come out and spend a summer with her. Now, she is in a nursing home. She has no children, but I feel very connected to her. I visit. I send cards and flowers. I reciprocate. The bonds are created from more than physical presence and dollars spent. It's that she took the time over a very long period of time to let me know I mattered to her.

My daughter has an uncle who lives in the same city as she does. He very clearly demonstrates that he doesn't care. She has no ties to him. She also has no sense of responsibility to him. It works both ways.

It's very good of you to care enough to make the effort.
posted by clarkstonian at 4:06 PM on May 19, 2008

I never got anything from my aunts and uncles on my birthdays or Christmas unless it was the rare situation when we were all together anyway, such as at my grandparents' house. As to the reciprocity issue raised by clarkstonian, despite the outrageous failure of my aunts and uncles to line my pint-size coffers, I am pretty close to one of my aunts and would gladly help her out in any way I could. The other aunt and uncle are miserable human beings and no amount of gift-giving or party-attending would have changed my feelings toward them.

I don't have any nieces or nephews myself, but my husband has four of them. Although he is pretty close to his siblings, we live on opposite sides of the country so obviously attending birthday parties is out and in fact we can count on our fingers the times we've ever even seen these kids. We don't send gifts for birthdays but do for milestone events like graduations. It just seems kind of weird to send gifts every year to people you don't know and don't have any prospect of knowing.
posted by HotToddy at 4:58 PM on May 19, 2008

I have just short of a million nieces and nephews at last count. I'd go broke trying to keep up with birthdays. I do not attend any of their parties any more (but did when they were little) -- even the ones that are within reasonable driving distance -- and yet I still make the top of the Favorite Uncle list every year. This has far more to do with how I interact with them when we do meet up than with gift-giving prowess.
posted by trinity8-director at 5:08 PM on May 19, 2008

I have 4 or 6 depending on how you count, all on the other side of the country. They tend to congregate at the grandparents place over the summer so I usually visit once per year to see everybody at the same time. (madness)

I get one or a few things for everybody to enjoy for the next few days, months or years... big inflatable water slide, fireworks, swingset. It just works out that 4 are in the same town and the other 2 come to spend the summer so uncle can get away with one thing for everybody.

Other than that, I'm craptacular. Have no idea when birthdays are, or even interests.
posted by zengargoyle at 5:16 PM on May 19, 2008

I'm the niece in the situation and I don't ever remember seeing aunts/uncles/extended family other than my father's sisters who live the next state over EXCEPT for very few occasions (I believe they came down for Christmas once, and for 2 funerals and I think that some of them came down for the one wedding.)

I think that a card+phone call on day of event with an occasional visit with superAWESOME gift is totally acceptable.
posted by sperose at 5:49 PM on May 19, 2008

My sister comes most of the way across the country to see her only niece (my 5-y-o daughter) for her birthdays about 50% of the time. For Christmas it's almost 100% of the time. This is because this works for her schedule, not because she's somehow obliged to come. We're moving closer to her soon, and I expect to see her more often, because it will work for her then. But the most important thing about her visits is how incredibly attentive she is to my daughter. And she video-Skypes with us somewhat regularly. My daughter and my sister have a great relationship because my sister really gives my daughter the love and attention and respect that builds a great relationship. If my daughter's birthday were during a time of year when my sister couldn't come visit, they'd still be really, really close.
posted by Capri at 8:13 PM on May 19, 2008

Send a card or call or something. Do whatever you can do to stay present in their lives. Otherwise your nieces and nephews will think you've forgotten them or you don't like them anymore.

Normal is a huge range - I have one aunt and uncle who went to every birthday, graduation, sports event I ever had. I have another set who attended almost nothing - I know they all love me, but they had different styles of showing it. Even as a kid, that some aunts and uncles were missing was not a big deal.
posted by 26.2 at 10:27 PM on May 19, 2008

I heartily agree with the comments saying there is a very wide range of "normal." There are definitely those families that never miss spending a holiday or birthday celebration together.

I did not grow up in one of those families.

Growing up, all my relatives lived a minimum of 1,000 miles away. As a kid, I never felt like I was missing out because they weren't around. My little kiddie brain didn't know it was something I should be missing. Now that I'm an adult, I enjoy grown up relationships with my uncles, aunts and cousins.

Now that I've got a niece and nephew of my own, I totally understand the desire to be there for their birthdays. I also understand the self-induced guilt that I'm an ocean away at present. I think the bottom line is that this is your opportunity to think of creative ways to let them know you love them, and allow yourself to let go of the guilt that you can't be there in person. It's important for them to know that they're loved and that you are willing to make their day special, even from afar. But don't let yourself get beaten down by thoughts of what you "should" be doing in order to be "normal."
posted by hydrate at 5:27 AM on May 20, 2008