Is it necessary to have a crush?

May 19, 2008 10:04 AM

Is it necessary to have a crush?

After a very painful break-up I started dating and I have been lucky to meet some wonderful and very attractive people. In the last couple of weeks I started spending time with one person that has made me re-think a lot of the ideas I have in regards to what a relationship should be like. I used to date this person prior to my last relationship but both of us had a variety of issues to work on so we decided to stop and become friends (this was 4 years ago). Now that I am single and she is single, we decided to give it another try and things seem to be working perfectly. While thinking about the person she has become (she wasnt like this before) I've noticed that she has nearly all of the qualities I desire in a person, smart, fun to be with (very fun to be with), we share similar interests and her strenghts in some areas compliment me very well (for example she is good saving money, I am not but I would love very much to have somebody like her around to help me out with my finances).....The attraction is there, however I noticed that while I seem to like her and like being around her but I dont have this feeling of "oh I miss her and want to be with her all the time" or as my question says, I dont have what is typically thought of as a "crush". My feelings are more along the line of like lets see what she is doing this saturday and if she is free I'd love to hang out with her, if she is not...well I am also fine...

After reading some recent postings of people that are dating but cannot find a person with "certain" qualities, I feel like wow....I've found a person with that has everything in my "list" but i am still not head over heels for them...

At the same time I've started wondering about the dynamics of love and relationships in general....therefore.. I would like to ask all of you who are involved or have ever been involved in a long term relationship the following:

Is it necessary for you to have the typical feelings of "intense" attraction or love in order to be in a relationship or do you think that what matters is feeling comfortable, warm and just having the knowledge that you have a great person by your side in order to be content or happy in your relationship?

posted by The1andonly to human relations (29 comments total)

My first ever askmefi question was pretty similar to yours. Give it a read, I got some good feedback.
posted by allkindsoftime at 10:12 AM on May 19, 2008

The latter.

The former is sweet but very brief.
posted by bluenausea at 10:12 AM on May 19, 2008

In response to your last question: it's different for everyone.

In response to your description of the relationship, it sounds like you've now found a healthy level of dependence. It shouldn't be the end of the world if she can't hang out Saturday.
posted by rooftop secrets at 10:13 AM on May 19, 2008

It's not necessary. Crushes often result from a limited knowledge of the other person—if you already knew that person warts and all, you'd be less likely to develop a crush (not saying it's impossible). You already know this woman pretty well, so you may have short-circuited the crush.

Conversely, just because a person satisfies everything on your list doesn't mean she's a good match. I don't think there's any way to express that essential chemistry between people in list form, but if the chemistry ain't there, it ain't a romance.

I don't think I ever had a crush on my wife—in the sense of palpitations and total preoccupation—but I did gladly marry her.
posted by adamrice at 10:22 AM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

The difference between love and hate is-- hate lasts.

(I think that's Bukowski). Point is, it sounds like you might have a great, enriching relationship developing here. Don't get hung up on the absence of fleeting emotions, is my $0.02.
posted by ibmcginty at 10:27 AM on May 19, 2008

I didn't start with a huge crush on my partner, like I did in previous relationships, but I did develop one rather quickly. It came AFTER I learned more about her and what it was like to be in her company.

I still have these little flashes of "Wow! She is SO COOL and I just can't get enough of her!" infatuation, and I wouldn't trade those for having it have been all-consuming in the beginning. This was just a different way for love to evolve.
posted by fiercecupcake at 10:30 AM on May 19, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Been married for 15 years to a guy I never had a crush on, but got to like him so much it eventually turned into love. Crushes are more trouble than they're worth, in my experience - good steady friendship is what did it for me.

Good luck!
posted by Quietgal at 10:33 AM on May 19, 2008

Brother, enjoy what you got. You want to marry your best friend, not your best lay.
posted by markovich at 10:38 AM on May 19, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

I didn't have a strong crush on my wife when we first started dating, but I find that over time I've developed a love for her that makes other crushes I've had pale in comparison.

I've also found that crushes that I've had in the past were often leading me towards relationships that weren't always healthy. It's much easier to see in retrospect things that you ignore initially because the crush feelings take over.

The question is this: can I commit to this person, to invest in her life in a way that makes them a better person, and trust that she will do the same for me? Long term love that has contentment at its core has this as a necessary condition. A crush is sometimes present, but isn't a necessary to provide deep and abiding satisfaction.
posted by SpacemanStix at 10:40 AM on May 19, 2008

It's the eternal question...
posted by mdn at 10:45 AM on May 19, 2008

Is it necessary for you to have the typical feelings of "intense" attraction or love in order to be in a relationship

No. There are days when I think my husband of 17 years is hubba-hubba and days I think he's kind of gross. Moments when I can't wait to talk to him and moments when I think I'll scream if I have to, and lots of moments in between.

or do you think that what matters is feeling comfortable, warm and just having the knowledge that you have a great person by your side in order to be content or happy in your relationship?

Yes. There has to be some kind of physical attraction, of course, but at the end of the day I'm grateful that there is someone on this earth who knows every one of my marvelous hang-ups but comes home to me anyway. And I think Mr. Darling would agree.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 10:45 AM on May 19, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

Every relationship has its own dynamic. Think over, not only all the girls you've dated, but all the friendships you've ever had. Didn't they all have their own pacing and flavour? This is why you can't just replace people — because each one adds something different to your life, and each one interacts with you in a unique way. They can literally all feel surprising and special if you just enjoy them for what they are.

I would say that if you really enjoy being with this woman, are eager to keep seeing her, and see potential for something long-term, that's plenty to go on. Relax and enjoy the ride.
posted by orange swan at 10:46 AM on May 19, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Had good ones with the initial spark and without. However, without exception, all of the bad ones had the initial spark, usually very powerfully.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:56 AM on May 19, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

I've always relied on the existence of a "crush" to establish that bond of comfort and caring, partly because I have a certain amount of social phobia (or something like that) and have a hard time opening up to someone unless my brain is surging with oxytocin.

However, I'm starting to rethink this. In my experience, my mental list of desirable characteristics, and the actual characteristics of the girls I crush on, don't always have much to do with each other. In fact, a crush can prevent you from seeing that a person doesn't match up to your list of desired characteristics very well ("love is blind").

It could be argued that a love that grows gradually is ultimately stronger than one that comes on like a brick to the head. The starry-eyed bliss of limerence, though, is quite habituating, and I guess it's natural to want that.

At the end of the day, you just have to go with your gut. Forget the list of criteria; don't worry about whether you "should" or "shouldn't" be feeling a crush. Just ask yourself, "do I enjoy being with this person? do I find this relationship more fulfilling than being single, or being with someone else?". Human relationships defy categorization and analysis.
posted by greenie2600 at 11:01 AM on May 19, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

My feeling is that those passionate feelings at the beginning of a relationship are great, but they're not really sustainable. I think the enduring loving companionship that comes later (if you're lucky) is far more sustainable and rewarding.
posted by bananafish at 11:05 AM on May 19, 2008

My current relationship started exactly this way--with a great friend who I thought was cool, but wasn't really crushing on. Actually, there wasn't even the physical attraction, as I previously was only interested in women and basically decided to try a dude after a series of abject dating failures.

Anyway, it started rough. There wasn't any limerance (infatuation) phase, no crush for either of us. I think the fact we were really good friends and lived in the same house was the only reason we stuck it out. But you know, two years later, this is the strongest relationship I've seen of anybody our age, and it has been great for the both of us. There are still up and downs, but I'm really, really glad neither of us made the assumption we had to be totally, completely, head-over-heels for someone before dating them.
posted by schroedinger at 11:20 AM on May 19, 2008

Comfortable, warm, and a great person by your side are the way to go, and will keep you emotionally fulfilled and warm at night.

But get the crushes out of the way first. Because if you don't, and you're in your comfortable, warm, happy relationship, you'll eventually meet someone who fills your head and your heart with fire, and makes your happy warm relationship seem like a grubby prison cell. And it will fucking suck.

Just sayin'.

Make the passionate, earth-scorching memories, before you settle down into your sustainable, eco-friendly relationship.
posted by rhys at 11:21 AM on May 19, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

It seems like the particular circumstances of this relationship are significant - I think part of the crush aspect goes along with the getting to know someone, and that's not present here. Did you have this with this person when you were dating before?

Passion has to be there, I think, but that first phase mystery/obsession business does fade and dealing with that being something that's now in your past is an unavoidable requirement of a permanent relationship. People who can't deal with that end up moving on eventually. I think when you have been with someone a long time but stay sincerely engaged in the relationship you find deeper levels of mystery and intense connection, but that first flush thing is something unique that I don't think you ever truly get twice in a relationship. It seems to me though that that would be a poor reason to ditch on something that seems to be going well.
posted by nanojath at 11:43 AM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Brother, enjoy what you got. You want to marry your best friend, not your best lay.

Dont know how this piece of news is relevant..but ummm she is actually the person for which i can say both of those categories apply....
posted by The1andonly at 12:21 PM on May 19, 2008

So she's your best friend AND your best lay? What the hell is the question, then? Enjoy it!
posted by desjardins at 12:57 PM on May 19, 2008

So she's your best friend AND your best lay? What the hell is the question, then? Enjoy it!

Umm just the crush part....lol but thank you for the advice!!!
posted by The1andonly at 1:00 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I honestly don't think it's necessary to have a "crush," per se (like my multitude of posters before me). It depends completely on what you're willing to work with in a relationship. However, I would be wary of something like this. Give it a try, sure, but keep in mind that a lack of physical attraction now could lead to complete and utter disgust later. And, of course, you really can't be with someone you're disgusted with. My ex and I were the same way, and I gladly ended it two and a half years later when I realized I didn't even really like kissing him anymore.

The plus side to all of this is that when/if you pursue this relationship, you always have that strong friendship to fall back on. Just because she's not your girlfriend doesn't mean she can't help you with your finances, etc.

Go for it, and enjoy yourself!
posted by keekmaxima at 1:04 PM on May 19, 2008

In response to your last question: it's different for everyone.

dingdingdingding. Best answer.

A bunch of people chiming in to this thread saying "You have to have a crush!" or "You don't have to have a crush!" merely provide evidence that it is possible, not that it is actually the way that you feel.

I'm not saying to throw away the good thing you have going there, but if it turns out that you feel that having a crush on someone is important to you, don't feel bad about it.
posted by 23skidoo at 1:12 PM on May 19, 2008

As others have said, it's not necessary to have the crush.

However, it is generally preferable that you not profess to be in love with someone else as recently as last week.
posted by mudpuppie at 1:15 PM on May 19, 2008

Mudpuppie, as I said before I am trying to change my opinion of what it means to be in a relationship as well as how you get there...thats why i needed to see how other relationships developed outside of mine....and yes i have had the crush before (in the relationship for which you put in a link) but that didnt turn out so well.... =0)
posted by The1andonly at 1:26 PM on May 19, 2008

I don't think there's any problem not wanting to spend all your time with the person, but I'd be careful about weighing the "on paper" pros too heavily. Chemistry isn't something that necessarily obeys rationality. Whether you may in time develop the "crush" I don't know, but I do know I was in a longish relationship with someone who had most of the qualities I thought I wanted and the spark never came.

Of course if "best lay" implies that the sex is great I think you need to reconsider your definition of "crush." Sexual passion plus great on paper is enough for me.
posted by callmejay at 4:35 PM on May 19, 2008

welcome back already, The1andonly!

In response to your last question: it's different for everyone.

dingdingdingding. Best answer.

i can even add to that: it can also be different for the same person, from partner to partner.

i've had relationships that started with crushiness, and ones that were more "hm, might as well take this as it comes; see how it goes", and i think both approaches can work well. the "take it as it comes" approach sounds almost exactly like what you describe:

The attraction is there, however I noticed that while I seem to like her and like being around her but I dont have this feeling of "oh I miss her and want to be with her all the time" or as my question says, I dont have what is typically thought of as a "crush". My feelings are more along the line of like lets see what she is doing this saturday and if she is free I'd love to hang out with her, if she is not...well I am also fine...

note that we are talking about crushes (or their absence) not chemistry, which is a different thing. without chemistry, i'd say DTMFA, but if you can honestly claim that this person is your "best friend & your best lay" then i'd guess you have the chemistry thing covered.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:57 PM on May 19, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Of course you can have successful relationships without crushes. There have been tons of arranged marriages that have been very successful, and they obviously weren't based on crushes. Regardless, the context of this question bothers me.

This week with Girl 2:

After a very painful break-up I started dating... one person has made me re-think a lot of the ideas I have in regards to what a relationship should be like...I used to date this person... Now that I am single and she is single, we decided to give it another try and things seem to be working perfectly... I've noticed that she has nearly all of the qualities I desire in a person... best friend and best lay...

11 days ago with Girl 1:

I realize that i want her and still love her and would like to work things out with her...she became the woman of my dreams, I feel deeply in love with her, cherished her like no other...since we broke up I have done some serious soul-searching, and I have seen a definite growth in the person i am....I never thought i would say this...but i am ready to be with her..... since the break-up I have no problems meeting other people....I just want those people to be her...

And then after some thought:

I have decided to stay alone for now and see where the wind takes me...It was my original position and seeing other arguments have solidified this stance.

I think you're rebounding. My advice from last week still stands: You need time by yourself to process your emotions and thoughts about your break-up before making any new dating decisions. You seem to put girls on pedestals, and to fall into relationships very easily while immediately slipping into the "she could be the one!" mode. Please slow down before you hurt this girl. The fact that you've dated before means she probably has more invested in this than a girl you just met would have, so you need to take that into consideration and be responsible with her heart.

My advice is to put this on pause for 6 months. Explore life as an individual. If she is the one for you and she is your best friend, she will still be there, and you will have had time to fully examine your thoughts about crushes without having broken her heart.
posted by heatherann at 4:37 PM on May 20, 2008

Thank you Heather for caring about her as a person. She is fully aware of what's going on with me and I informed her that i am in no place to go into a "relationship"...as i said b4 I think now is a good time to think about how relationships work and how i should handle them in the future.
posted by The1andonly at 4:48 PM on May 20, 2008