Can I turn myself into a homebody?

May 17, 2008 6:48 AM

Applying for a job with a non-profit based in Kenya. Amazing opportunity, I'm very excited about it. Biggest concern I have is spending 2+ years living in a very isolated community, with only half a dozen other native English speakers. How can I stay happy and sane there?

I think of myself as a highly social introvert - good friends and meeting new people are important to me. I've always lived in big cities for that reason.

If I'm offered and I accept the job, I'd be moving to a village in Kenya that has 6-10 other NGO workers; it's two hours from the nearest village with a bar and other expats. The cultural gap with the locals is wide. The interviewer said that the people that do best there have some sort of hobby that can absorb them.

The job is a two-year+ committment and I wouldn't want to back out.

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? I don't mean the people that were already happy spending all their evenings quietly at home, I mean the people that go out to see friends almost every night. Did anyone make a transition to a quiet village life happily, and if so, how?

posted by lbergstr to health (8 comments total)

Communicate with the children. Their youthful innocence and exuberance will enchant you. Children live love naturally. Their imagination is so powerful, and the way they dream is an adventure in exploration. It rubs off.
posted by netbros at 7:10 AM on May 17 [1 favorite]

If I understand the gist of your question, you're not asking for suggestions as to what could occupy you, but are instead seeking an answer to a psychological question: can people who are used to nightly social contact happily adjust to a quiet solitary life?

If the question is the former, I imagine the best possibility would be to replicate social contact as best you can in a solitary fashion: lots of letters. I don't know at what level of sophistication your destination is: if Internet access exists, you could of course involve yourself in online communities that way.

But as for the psychological question, that I don't have helpful input on.
posted by WCityMike at 7:22 AM on May 17

netbros, are you smoking something? Can I have some?

Kids can be a good way to make inroads with the local culture. But expect them also, certainly some of them, to be scared of you (especially if you are white -- a good many babies in your rural Kenyan village will never have seen a white person, and imagine how you would feel as a two-year old if someone bright blue started waving at you). They will also find your speech and even your walk to be the most hysterical thing ever and will laugh at you. Follow you around at a distance and retreat giggling when you look at them. They will know no English except for Give me money! This is charming for about an hour and then an awkward and unwelcome cross to bear. They will shout AZUNGU!!! when you came within eyeshot. In many ways, the adults, while being more distant, will be much more polite.

There will be some nice kids who you will be able to form good relationships with that aren't based on your novelty, but they may be a minority.

Just a warning.
posted by bluenausea at 7:59 AM on May 17

I think the trick will be to move beyond the ex-pat community and try and have all or most of your friends in the local community. The lure of the easy relationship with other ex-pats can be strong, especially since you will have a strong sense of common background and shared hardship. But those friendships can quickly become a ghetto that cuts you off from more meaningful relationships with the community.

I have had a hard time in similar situations forcing myself to move beyond the ex-pat ghetto, but it really pays off and will make your time (and work) infinitively more comfortable and successful.

I'd second bluenausea on the difficulties of constantly being the center of attention for every child around. After six months of living in a small village my neighbor's kids finally stopped yelling, but the kids at the school up the road never lost interest.

Good luck!
posted by Chrishartley at 8:20 AM on May 17 [1 favorite]

Get an absorbing hobby:

guitar
chess
computer programming
physical fitness
sketching

Have a regular night twice a month where you commute 2 hours to the pub/expats village and spend the night there.
posted by By The Grace of God at 8:59 AM on May 17

I have never lived in Kenya, but I have lived in exactly the sorts of situations you describe in other places. I'm assuming that there are more commonalities than differences (and memoirs of living in east Africa that I have read support this), but there may be issues specific to the place you are going that complicate or negate everything I am saying, so adjust accordingly.

First, calling village life "quiet" usually means that you are missing 99% of what is going on. There is a saying in parts of Latin America (it may come from a book; it is also the title of a telenovela): "pueblo chico, infierno grande." In my inept translation, that means "small town, large hell." There is more scheming, gossip, back-biting, intrigue, and just general social craziness in small places than you are imagining; the difference between a small town and a city is that small towns keep things private that are done on the street in the city. Everyone knows everyone else's business, there are no secrets -- but just because everyone knows does not mean that anyone will necessarily say anything, at least in front of you.

So the village life isn't quiet at all, and isn't unsocial at -- but it sounds like the foreign workers are living very separate, very disconnected lives. My second point, then, is that your question is not about how to live in a village, but rather about how to live in a tiny, insular sub-community with little contact with outsiders. Have you ever read any of the accounts of arctic and antarctic expeditions, or of English and French colonialists living in isolated "stations"? Remember what I said above about gossip and intrigue in a small village? Exaggerate that a thousand times, and you have a sense of what life is like in that little NGO bubble. What makes that worse than it would be in another place is that a lot of expat workers are really odd ducks -- if they were happy and well-socialized at home, they never would have left home. Unfortunately, along with a sense of adventure and a willingness to take risks, they bring a lot of quirks and weird behaviors with them. My bet is that among your ten people you'll have some examples of standard expat characters like the Talkative Alcoholic, the Having an Affair with an Inappropriate Local, the Bitter Cynic who Comes Visiting Early in the Morning, and the Hey Baby I'm a Real Stud.

So there's a few possible solutions for you. One is to take on another recognizable expat role, the All My Friends Are Locals So I Barely Ever Socialize With Expats person. The disadvantage is you will get grumbled at by the other expats (who have just lost 10% of their limited social circle); the advantage is that you will make a lot of friends, learn a language and culture, and have a good time. You will also have to more directly confront some of the contradictions and dilemmas of your situation there, which isn't always easy. Kids are the traditional entry point for this, or you just keep talking to people until you find people who are nice and friendly.

Another possibility is to enjoy the expat socializing, and look for ways to expand that. There is usually access to an SUV, and wealthier organizations will have private aircraft, too. Somewhere within a few hours will be other NGOs, white Kenyan farmers, or a mission station or two. Get to know people at each place, and they will visit you some weeks, you visit them once in a while, and you have a much richer social life.

Or yes, you become more hermetic in the evenings, reading, writing, or learning a craft. People I knew who tried that mostly didn't work so well, because it can be really isolating on top of an already isolating situation. Being hermetic is often seen as really dissonant -- people in the village almost certainly hang out together in the evenings and chat, drink beer, whatever, as do the expats. Sitting by yourself in your room and doing your own thing works great in a city where no one will notice or care, but in a village can be seen as a serious "I am too cool for you" insult.
posted by Forktine at 9:23 AM on May 17 [3 favorites]

This is secondhand, as it was a friend of mine, not I, who lived in Cameroon for two years.

You may make some inroads into the local culture and develop some friendly relationships with wonderful local people. You'll learn a lot. But you're still going to be considered an outsider, and the locals are still going to hold you at arm's length in many ways. This can be emotionally wearying, and is a good argument for maintaining some friends in the ex-pat community.
posted by desuetude at 12:31 PM on May 17

They will shout AZUNGU!!! when you came within eyeshot.

Even these kids can be turned around and socialized. In our case, it was OBRUNI!!! in Ghana. God, it gets old fast. Especially because even the kids who you see every day will keep doing it every. single. time. they see you.

My gutsy Taiwanese roomate would turn on any kid who said that to her - 2 to 20 years old - and give them the "I don't like it when you call me that. How would you feel if I called you black boy? My name's Cheri. What's yours? Kwaku? Okay, whenever you see me, you call me Cheri. I'll call you Kwaku. Don't call me obruni anymore." Actually, this got results.
posted by whatzit at 4:45 PM on May 17