Help! I'm stuck with a girl I can't stand!

May 16, 2008 3:53 AM

I'm stuck in a relationship I shouldn't be in and don't know how I can end it.

The whole story of this relationship is rather long and boring, so I will try and give just the snippets that are needed for hopefully some hive mind help.

I'm at University, living in halls of residence, with my girlfriend I met 7 days into University. She lives in the same hall as me, two floors above, all of our friends are mutual here, as that is how we know each other. I got silly and let the relationship get serious without really thinking about the consequences, or whether or not I actually wanted serious relationship with this person.

Now, due to my inability to cut my losses earlier, I am to be moving into a rented house with this girl, and 3 other male friends from our halls. The truth is, I am completely fed up with the relationship, and have been holding out, hoping it is a blip, or things will get better, but despite the occasional really nice time together, the rest of the time I am bored with her company, become irritable with her as I don't want to be there, and this is bringing her down and making me seem like a not very nice person.

I know I shouldn't be in this relationship, but how can I end it when I know I could just try and live in a not-so-great relationship for a year, rather than ending it and having to live in a house, and share mutual friends. It is not that I have an issue staying friends with her, I would like that, but she has spoke it depth several times about how she wouldn't be able to do that, especially living with me, and has mentioned she definitely wouldn't move into the house if we broke up, plus mentions of 'life not being worth living', 'I would have to kill myself' etc. I'm sure it wouldn't come to that, but she is an extremely emotionally unstable girl, who contrasts my personality completely and I can't see how to resolve this in any way that will be good for both of us.

posted by lukeo05 to human relations (25 comments total)

end it, and tell her you don't want to live in the same house with her. one of two things will happen -- she will hate you and certainly not want to live with you and will pull out of the living arrangement, or she will want to stay out of spite and you will have to suck it up and live somewhere else. either way, break up with her and DO NOT LIVE WITH HER, no matter what.

as for the "i would have to kill myself" stuff, well that's a judgment call. if you think she is actually serious, then you would maybe want to alert her friends before you broke up with her, or even speak to a psychiatrist on campus and ask for advice. either way, threats like that are no reason to stay with someone, and are in fact another reason to just get the hell out.
posted by modernnomad at 4:08 AM on May 16 [2 favorites]

Just sit down and talk it out with her; explain that it's no longer working for you and that you're going to have to end the relationship. As modernnomad said, take her emotional fragility into account if you think it's serious, but don't let that stop you from doing the right thing.

There's no easy, non-confrontational way to do these things. Just make the cut as cleanly as possible so you can both move on. You'll be glad of it in the long term. It's not fair to be misleading her into thinking that this relationship is what you want.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 4:10 AM on May 16

If her emotional state is the biggest issue you could break up with her in such a horrendous way that she's to pissed off at you to even think of doing something harmful to herself. I'm going to 2nd the suggestion of telling her friends or whomever her support network is first though. Hopefully they can intervene and prevent her from doing something to you if she's that unstable. If all of your friends are mutual as you say prepare to make new friends some will probably be on her side if you pull off the being-the-asshole-guy break up idea.
posted by Kioki-Silver at 4:24 AM on May 16

can't see how to resolve this in any way that will be good for both of us.

It's not your job to end so it'll be good for both you. You need to end it because it'll be good for you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:26 AM on May 16 [4 favorites]

Ending a relationship is rarely done in a way that is good for both parties, especially if it is not a mutual decision. As Brandon Blatcher says, it being good for you is reason enough.

The fact is, it won't be easy for either of you in the short term, you'll feel horrendously guilty and she will feel heartbroken. This is a fact. This is shit. But life is shit on occasion. As others have said, this shouldn't stop you from doing what is ultimately the right thing for both of you.
posted by jontyjago at 4:37 AM on May 16

It's not your job to end so it'll be good for both you. You need to end it because it'll be good for you.

Seconded. Once you got that very clear "I got to get out of this" feeling delay only makes things worse for both parties. Cut and run. She'll get over you.
posted by three blind mice at 4:40 AM on May 16

Make other living arrangements. Your friends will be able to find someone to fill your spot in the house, and you'll definitely be able to find another place to live -- back on campus, in a different shared apartment, whatever. It's not fair to make her make that decision, and you definitely don't want to end up living together. Please DON'T stay with her just to keep the living arrangements -- that's not fair to anyone in the house.

Once you've decided that you're going to live elsewhere, you just have to bite the bullet and break up. You don't have to give her any gory details -- just tell her that your relationship just doesn't feel like it's right for you. Try not to get drawn into a conversation about why/why not, and don't let her change your mind.

Then give her some space. You'll feel guilty, but you have to let her decide how much contact, if any, the two of you should have. (That being said, if you don't want to see her at all, you don't have to.) Don't become her support system -- she needs to turn to other friends to get over you.

Good luck.
posted by cider at 4:58 AM on May 16

Finish it.

Practical issues: Once that's out of the way, talk to the other house mates and explain what the siutuation is. Tell them you will help them to find an acceptable replacement for you to take your place on the lease for next year. Advertise around your university for your substitute. Weed out any obvious arseholes. Let your co-leasees talk to remaining applicants regarding agreeableness. Agree deal. Freedom!
posted by biffa at 5:02 AM on May 16

Breaking up is going to be hard on someone in the relationship except in the large minority of cases where both parties think it should happen. So the first step is to stop thinking that things need to be good for her. But she does deserve the truth. That doesn't mean the whole truth, you don't want to be a jerk. But don't lie about it either.

At this point you should still be able to get housing on campus if you can't find an outside apartment. But you should definitely help find someone to take your place and if nobody can be found (unlikely I think but it could happen) then suggest paying what your share of the rent would be. Or help everyone find somewhere else to live.

The longer you wait to get out, the more you'll be reinforcing the fact that you two have a good relationship.

And with it being the end of the year/people going home, you have a golden opportunity in front of you if you two don't leave near each other and if you have some way to contact the family. With the distance she won't be able to try to win back your heart in person.

Good luck. Ending relationships suck.
posted by theichibun at 5:31 AM on May 16

Thanks all. I don't know if I was expecting some magical answer to make it all okay or what... This has just clarified what I think I knew I needed to do. Sorry for being an inexperienced, confused 18 year old!
posted by lukeo05 at 5:35 AM on May 16

but how can I end it when I know I could just try and live in a not-so-great relationship for a year, rather than ending it and having to live in a house, and share mutual friends.

Because when you're in a bad relationship, a year seems like 20 and the breakup may be even harder because you dragged it out and are living together. Because it could turn into a not-so-great marriage and a divorce. Or because you could break up with her and meet someone fabulous. Personally, the third option sounds a lot more appealing to me and worth the "hassle" that you are describing. Also - try to get out of that house. It's May, and it shouldn't hard for them to find a replacement (helping them do so would be good too).
posted by ml98tu at 5:57 AM on May 16

Sorry for being an inexperienced, confused 18 year old!

That reminds of me the scene in Leon where the little girl played by Nathalie Portman looks at Leon and asks "Is life always like this, or does it get better when you're older?"

Leon looks are her and without hesitating says "Always like this."
posted by three blind mice at 5:58 AM on May 16 [4 favorites]

Man I have been you and I stayed and wasted some great years of my life in a crappy relationship. If I could go back in time and speak to myself, I would grab 18-year-old-me by the shoulders and scream "Break up with her right now! Sure do it as nicely as possible, but make it crystal clear that it is over and that there is no possibility of it not being over. Go now run, for the love of god! Also by Google stock!" The kindest thing that you can do is not send mixed signals or leave her hope when there is none. That means stopping contact and definitely no post-break-up sex. That is a shitty thing to do to an ex. But seriously, do it and do it now. Life is way shorter than you think, and college is an awesome time to be alive. Don't waste it spending your time with someone who doesn't make you happy. Her job is to look out for her. Your job is to look out for you (and be as kind to others as possible while doing so).
posted by ND¢ at 7:06 AM on May 16 [1 favorite]

"Buy" Google stock, 18-year-old-ND¢, not "by" Google stock. That doesn't make any sense.
posted by ND¢ at 7:08 AM on May 16

Sorry for being an inexperienced, confused 18 year old!

Eh, we were all there once. Just remember, you're never stuck in a relationship unless you choose to be stuck in it. Also remember that no one NEEDS you to live, just as you don't need anyone else to live.

A person needs food and water to survive, but not the physical company of a particular person. Of course losing a particular person, either via breakup or death is hard and life isn't the safe without them, you can and will survive without them.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:14 AM on May 16

Dude, you're totally being manipulated with "life not being worth living", "kill myself". One of the greatest tools you have now is your mutual "friends". Talk to one of them who you feel comfortable talking to...someone who can talk to your SO...AFTER you end the relationship with her.

Let her have all the mutual friends as a social support mechanism if necessary. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HER.

Contact some kind of campus support line and get advice from them...

Good luck!
posted by hal_c_on at 7:40 AM on May 16

Break up with her. Use Miko's advice. It's invaluable.
posted by kittyprecious at 7:42 AM on May 16

seconding kittyprecious, Miko's advice should be the standard Meta Break-up approach.
posted by Wilder at 8:43 AM on May 16

It's not your job to end so it'll be good for both you. You need to end it because it'll be good for you.

But it actually will be good for her for you to end it. Maybe not in the immediate time frame but you, indeed, will be doing her a favor by being truthful and letting her move on to find someone else.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 8:58 AM on May 16

it sounds like you're trying to end it in a way that she won't turn your mutual friends against you, or make things uncomfortable.

tough. breakups suck. she's going to take it hard, and things will be uncomfortable. all you're doing now is leading her on in the hopes that she'll leave you so it won't be so difficult. it's not fair to her and you're not doing yourself any favors, either. just end it. do it as nicely as you can and hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. there is no secret handshake, here. it'll probably be rough.
posted by shmegegge at 9:02 AM on May 16

You're not 'stuck'. You're not doing anything you haven't chosen to do. It's not true that you 'don't know how to end it'. You do.
End the relationship. This afternoon, or at most tonight.
posted by signal at 10:03 AM on May 16

I know I was an emotional mess as an 18 year old girl (and as a 19 year old, and a 20 year old...) but I got over it. Guys dumped me, I dumped them, and I survived. I thought I would die if so-and-so left, and 15 years later, I literally don't even remember his last name. No matter what she says, she will survive you. You're doing her two favors - first by freeing her up to live her life and find someone who really does like her, and second by proving to her that she can in fact survive without a specific guy.
posted by desjardins at 11:12 AM on May 16

First, there is no sticking it out. You will be miserable and the situation will get worse, and you'll probably end up cheating on her. A friend of mine was holding out months in a relationship that he wasn't enjoying anymore. Then he had a drunken hook-up and broke up with the girlfriend two days later.

She was also extremely attached and was planning on them getting married when they graduated and everything. It was really, really hard for her, and half a year later he found out she was still hoping they'd get back together. But now, she's OK. It took a while, but she got over him, and in the end it was best for both of them.

Do it now. The sooner the better. It will get ten times worse when you are living with her. You look around and you think this is all so complicated, but I promise you, it will pass and be OK.
posted by schroedinger at 11:21 AM on May 16

Break it off. Don't move in with her. You will be miserable and people will get hurt emotionally. Get used to the idea that the fact that you have mutual friends is going to affect your social life in the near future, and find new ones to supplement it.
posted by bondgirl53001 at 4:17 PM on May 16

I can't see how to resolve this in any way that will be good for both of us

you can't.
its not going to be good for her and you might find your mutual friends take her side.
Worst case scenario you have to find somewhere else to live and some new friends. Depends on how aware your friends are of her shortcomings. Whatever happens dont say anything too negative about her to anyone afterwards. You already seem like a "not very nice person", she or other people may well expand on that to everyone she/they knows. You dont want a negative reputation and then to behave like it. If you can explain it away in neutral terms and a "best to split up before we started living in the same house" you might get out of this reputation intact. If she has friends that will take her side and be in that house, it will be extremely uncomfortable.
posted by browolf at 7:05 AM on May 18