Break up, or stick it out?

May 16, 2008 7:02 AM

I'm 29, male, and with no significant relationship experience. I've been dating the same girl for a few months now and I'm still not sure, although she seems to be. How do I tell whether a relationship is worth sticking with?

A bit of background: I'm in first real relationship of my life. For most of my life I was too shy to date much; for the past three or four years I've dated a fair amount (once a month or so on average, almost entirely using match.com or some such) but those never went anywhere. There were some that could have, of course, but I think I was too scared to pursue anything. With time and therapy I think I've gotten over a lot of those initial fears, which is good because eventually I do very much want the marriage and children.

Back in early February I started chatting online with a girl from a city about 4 hours away. That quickly led to phone calls, eventually a couple of visits, and now we've been (in her words) "exclusive" for a couple of weeks, although we've been talking/emailing daily for much longer than that. She's smart, she's fun, we have entertaining conversations, she's pretty, and she seems like she's really (really) into me. She's stuck in a work contract for a while yet, but she's starting to make noises about picking up and moving near me when the time comes. She has dated many more people than I have (both seriously and not) and seems to have no reservations about getting serious with me.

My problem is that I can't seem to sort through the mess of my own feelings. Dating her is a significant time commitment; she wants to talk every day, at least an hour if not more, and while I usually enjoy the conversations, I don't look forward to them and I've found myself looking for reasons to cut back on them. She came for a weekend a while ago, and it was the same deal... I mostly enjoyed her company but found it exhausting and in the end couldn't wait for her to leave. (One reason: I got no time at all to myself, which as a hardcore introvert, is something I need to thrive.) I don't dislike my time with her, but it often does feel obligatory and leave me wishing I could instead be doing something else.

I've been struggling with these feelings through the entire relationship, although lately they've kicked up a notch. (Possibly relevant note: a few unrelated events have been pretty stressful over the last couple of months, which may be contributing to this). Having been in no real relationships to speak of, I seem to lack the barometer other people have for when something is worth sticking with, and when it's not. Can anybody help me sort this out? Is this just the sort of growing pains that are inevitable when somebody quickly goes from very single to very not? How long does it take to love somebody, and how do I deal with it when she expresses affection for me and I'm just not sure about her? I'm willing to confront and face my unnamed fears if that's what this is, but how do you know if it's just not going to work out?

I'd appreciate any and all insights anybody can offer. I'll be talking to her tonight, and she said she wants to discuss the future, and I have no idea what to tell her...

posted by anonymous to human relations (24 comments total)

In the first couple of months with my current partner, I was in a similar situation. The main problem was that it was all new to me and I wasn't sure if I liked it - not my partner, she's great, but the whole serious relationship thing. I decided I'd give it a couple of months and see how I felt then, rather than bail out because I got stressed by new things and regret it later.

8 years later we're doing just fine.

I suggest giving yourself some time, changing how you think about your personal space and time commitments is not easy but it may turn out to be a great decision for you.
posted by tomble at 7:14 AM on May 16

First, take a deep breath, as I'm sure this seems VERY overwhelming right now.
Second, let the dust settle, as this is brand new (on many levels). I feel that there's a certain chaos at the beginning of a relationship that both people get caught up in. Remember it's new to her also, and she's running the gamut of feelings, just as you are.
Third, talk. Be honest, but be kind. Sometimes there's a middle ground that will give you your alone time, and give her the reassurance she needs.
If that can't be found, go your separate ways, again, with kindness.
posted by willmize at 7:24 AM on May 16

If you are not into it your not into it. Don't let her force things forward if you are not feeling it.
posted by BobbyDigital at 7:34 AM on May 16

Yeah I'd give it some time. Could be that she'll have to make some changes and so well you. I think you can get sick of someone, even if you like them a lot, if you spent way too much time with them. Maybe this will go somewhere and maybe not. I think you need to communicate what's going on to her in a gentle way.
posted by sully75 at 7:35 AM on May 16

I think a lot of the problem is that you are dating long distance right now. I had similar issues when I dated my husband long distance, before we were married. I hate talking on the phone and sometimes found the constant phone conversations draining. However, I realized that those conversation were essential to maintaining our relationship. I also struggled with the weekend visits and lack of alone time. Like you, I'm an introvert and need alone time. But again, those visits were essential to maintaining our relationship.

How do you know if it's not going to work out? Give it some time. If she's able to move closer, you will probably see your two biggest issues resolved, or at least diminished greatly. In the meantime, try communicating to her that while you enjoy her company, you don't enjoy long phone conversations and lack of alone time. The two of you should be able to work out a way that you can keep in touch (email? IM? twitter?) that involves less phone time, and perhaps when she visits, you can build in some pre-arranged alone time for you to recharge.
posted by geeky at 7:39 AM on May 16 [4 favorites]

You seem to like the girl in question, but it also seems like she want more attention in a relationship than you are willing to provide. Some people like a lot of space, some people don't.

But honestly, you're starting off as a long distance relationship so who can tell? It is kinda exhausting to talk on the phone for an hour a day or to host friends for an entire weekend. Maybe these things wouldn't be necessary to her if you were geographically closer.
posted by shownomercy at 7:40 AM on May 16

Dating her is a significant time commitment...

Serious, long-term relationships ARE significant time commitments! I knew I wanted to be in a long-term relationship when I looked forward to spending significant amounts of time with the person.
posted by grumblebee at 7:51 AM on May 16

Dating her is a significant time commitment

Yes, that's right. Being in a committed relationship means making a commitment of time, emotion and energy. If you aren't ready to be in a committed relationship (not that this makes you wrong or bad or anything) then you just aren't and that means this one. If you feel that she's valuable to you and worth making a commitment of time, energy and emotion, then just suck it up, because it isn't going to get any easier.
posted by Pollomacho at 7:54 AM on May 16

Or what grumblebee said!
posted by Pollomacho at 7:54 AM on May 16

TALK TO HER.

Tell her all of this stuff that you've told us. Sure, it might scare her a little (or a lot), but if she can't deal with it she's not the right person anyway.

Take things slow, slow, slow. It is perfectly okay and even advisable to say, "Okay, look, I'm just not sure about this because I've never done this before, but I'm willing to work on it if you don't mind being a little patient."

Recognize that it takes a while to develop a rhythm in a relationship. Lots of times what you might perceive as getting annoyed with each other just boils down to a lack of understanding (within yourself and about the other person) about how much space you need.

Being in a committed relationship means just that: being committed. Don't go ring shopping just yet, but do realize that you need to start thinking in a way that will likely feel very different to you. Look out for her needs, anticipate things she might like, but don't lose yourself. It's all a matter of balance.
posted by Madamina at 8:08 AM on May 16 [1 favorite]

This is your first time out trying to solve the introvert in a relationship issue. It's not easy. You've never before had to make time for yourself. You got it by default. With my first college girlfriend, I didn't even know for a while why I was feeling so crazy -- I hadn't realized, before then, that I needed time alone -- I had just always had enough.

You need to tell her you need time alone or you go crazy. She needs to understand. And you have to take responsibility for setting boundaries and getting your time alone, and not cave at every turn and then blame and resent her for it.

If you can't do this, or if she can't deal with it, it's not going to work.

Hints: all time alone is not created equal. When you feel like you might be interrupted at every moment (and regularly are), that's not quality time alone. Your time alone needs to be taken seriously, and it needs to be understood it's only to be interrupted in case of emergency.

Time alone in your home, or your room (i.e., a physical environment you control) beats time alone elsewhere. The benefits are lost if there's someone else loudly channel-surfing in the next room.

Introversion isn't a failing that you need to apologize for. It's just a trait. Don't be defensive about it; don't accept any criticism for it (not the same thing as refusing all criticism for how you're dealing with it -- at points, that criticism might well be warranted); don't passive-aggressively deny yourself your time alone until you freak out.

If you feel like you're engaged in constant struggle, it won't work. It doesn't have to be that way.
posted by Zed_Lopez at 8:22 AM on May 16 [3 favorites]

I think, honestly, most women like introverted guys more than they like gregarious social creatures like me.
posted by parmanparman at 8:53 AM on May 16 [2 favorites]

My fiancé and I are both introverts. I had no serious relationship experience when we met, and like you two, we were long-distance. It took awhile for me to get used to his presence on the weekends, especially since I lived in a studio apartment, and sometimes I honestly couldn't wait for him to leave. On his end, I think he hated some of our nightly phone calls. For me, the phone calls were about reassurance while we were miles apart and less about "how was your day?" I don't think there's anything wrong with you cutting them a bit short. Check in with her daily, but make other plans - not other dates, but plans with friends, or just plans to go for a bike ride/check out the new bookstore/etc. Tell her what you're going to be doing, and then excuse yourself. You'll have something to talk about next time you're on the phone.

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder - if the heart is fond to begin with. I knew I was falling in love with him when I went to Paris (by myself) near the start of our relationship. We had limited contact while I was overseas, and I missed him incredibly. If you have the means to take a trip by yourself, do so, and if you're thinking about her and wishing she was with you, well then that's a sign. If you don't have the means, then just take a break and honestly tell her you need some time to think about everything. Get on the same page with her. She has strong feelings, you're not sure, and you need to become sure one way or the other. Taking a break will help make up your mind.

Also, I agree with parmanparman.
posted by desjardins at 9:03 AM on May 16 [1 favorite]

I'm going to nth everyone suggesting that you talk to her about this. From your post, it kind of sounds like you are so uncertain about the validity of your concerns and hesitations that you are unwilling to bring it up with her. But that is what a relationship is about -- coming to understand each other, and reaching a shared understanding of each others' expectations. It's finding a strategy that works for both of you, so you can enjoy the best parts of each other and work around the frustrations. You need a lot of grace for this, and the way you start determining if both of you are cut out for it is to begin laying out those expectations, so you can explore them together.

If your girlfriend is interested in relocating to be closer to you, I think this would take a lot of pressure out of the "talking for an hour a day" and "intensive exposure on visits" problems. When you're not a few hundred miles apart, it's less of an obligation to talk on the phone and commit to 72 hours in each others' presence, because there's no underlying sense of "This Is All We Have, So Let's Make Sure It's Worth It." It's much more natural, much less high-stakes, and I think for a first relationship, highly preferable.

You don't mention anything about her circumstances surrounding the move, which implies to me that it wouldn't be an enormous undertaking for her (leaving behind a huge support network of friends and family, moving to somewhere with few job prospects), and if this is the case, then it sounds like it could be a good move. I would just make sure to talk with her about it -- expectations. What are yours regarding the move? What are hers? When you've talked, though, if you still find yourself with grave reservations about the seriousness of committing to her moving to be closer to you, do yourselves both a favor and be honest about that. Long distance as a platform - for a first relationship especially - sets up a lot more variables to negotiate than a more traditional relationship, and sometimes I think it's just too much to manage. As Zed_Lopez said above, if you feel like you're engaged in a constant struggle, it won't work. (And I say: it's not worth it.)

Also, listen to geeky, grumblebee, and desjardins.
posted by dorothy humbird at 9:12 AM on May 16

As an introvert I felt my first real relationship was a lot like this. I was so used to having all this alone time it took a long while before I got used having a full time 'real' relationship, as opposed to dating casually. This is typical for a lot of people. Usually time takes care of this but you may want to tell her that you need x amount of hours alone because youre such a serious introvert. Phrase it nicely and she'll understand. Once both of you get more comfortable with each other it then this wont be such an issue.
posted by damn dirty ape at 9:41 AM on May 16

I second Geeky's advice. I'm an introvert too. Whenever I have to be away from my fiance for a week or more for some reason, it's exhausting to talk on the phone. I like for conversations to just sort of happen; I don't like when it feels like an obligation, and I don't like when there's an amount of time dedicated to nothing but the conversation, etc. When you're in person, conversations are as short as they need to be -- unless you're pressed for time to see each other, like you probably were on the weekend. When you're in a long distance relationship, you sort of need the phone calls and all that to sustain it, to make up for the time you can't spend together in real life. When you get a weekend together, it becomes this big deal where you need to spend every moment together. When you need daily time to yourself, yes, that feels quite exhausting.

So I would give it some more time, talk to her about your introversion and how you're feeling, and make it VERY clear that you like her a lot and your needing time to yourself is a normal thing and nothing to do with her in particular. If she's not an introvert, you will need to phrase this carefully.

If the relationship gets more serious and you live near each other, these things won't be as big a problem... unless she doesn't give you your space, or is really needy even then.
posted by Nattie at 10:50 AM on May 16

she wants to talk every day, at least an hour if not more, and while I usually enjoy the conversations, I don't look forward to them and I've found myself looking for reasons to cut back on them.

This continues into marriage, except you'll be talking about bills, children and house repairs. My point being that if you don't like it now it won't magically improve with more commitment on your part.

l
posted by mecran01 at 12:33 PM on May 16

Just wanted to throw out an alternative to boring phone calls: gaming. You don't need to sign up for WoW accounts - when we were long distance, my now-fiancé and I used to play Literati and that Tetris-like game on Yahoo messenger. I'm sure there are cooler free alternatives nowadays. Or we'd watch the same TV show and comment on the ridiculous plot. A fun game (but not too politically correct) is to watch Spanish-language TV (assuming you don't speak Spanish) and make up the dialogue. Also, if you both have webcams.... well... *wink* I'm just saying there are other things to do long-distance rather than just talk about your boring day on the phone.
posted by desjardins at 2:12 PM on May 16 [1 favorite]

Just FWIW, I felt that way at the beginning of my relationship with my current SO. She's needs some reassurance, so she was calling me 7 or 8 times a day. I didn't mind the single hour on the phone so much, but I did mind very much the constant interruption. I couldn't get anything done.

Finally, I told her about the problem (sadly, in a very untactful way, given that I was very much unaware of social graces at the time, and still am to a lesser degree) and after an hour of argument on the phone and reassurance that it wasn't anything about the relationship, it was just the constant phone ringing that was killing me she was willing to cut back.

I suggest you be tactful about it instead of just saying "stop calling me so many times a day," as I did. ;)

We've been together for 10 years now, FWIW. We've lived together for a few years now. Sometimes she forgets that I need my time alone, and even occasional silence, and likes to wander in and sit down and chat while I'm doing something (or just enjoying sitting there in silence). I chat with her a while and then remind her that I really need a couple of hours to myself each day.

Thankfully, she doesn't mind too much that I'm often a night owl and our sleeping periods only overlap a few hours, so I can often get said alone time that way, just by being up at 3 in the morning.

Of course, what others have said about it continuing may be correct, depending on her personality. Just yesterday when I was out biking I passed a couple on a tandem bicycle and the lady was yakking up a storm. 45 minutes later as I was headed back home I passed them again and she was still yakking. I don't know if I could take that. Luckily my SO's conversations were more about the reassurance needed when living 1,500 miles away and only seeing each other 3 or 4 times a year than about a constant need to chat. Don't get me wrong, she needs to chat, just not constantly. I'm OK with that. Sometimes I like to chat (although rarely).
posted by wierdo at 3:21 PM on May 16

Never "stick out" a relationship. If the person doesn't interest you, excite you, stimulate you, turn you on, make your life worth living -- leave and find one that does or be happy on your own. Life is too short.
posted by bondgirl53001 at 4:14 PM on May 16

The Atlantic did a great article a few years back called "Caring for Your Introvert". If it resonates for you, you might share it with her and see if it helps.
posted by judith at 12:04 AM on May 17 [1 favorite]

Since this is your first relationship, I suggest you tell the girl that this is so new for you, you don't yet have a grip on what you actually want and how you'd like things to be. It seems as if she has naturally taken the reins, so to speak, but there's no reason you can't try your hand and shaping the relationship, as well.

How *would* you like things to be?
posted by Riverine at 8:53 AM on May 17

Do something, or do not do anything. Just try to remember that you are holding her heart in your hands, because from what you write, it is obvious that she is investing lots of herself. If you see you just cannot make relationship a priority after the time that you give to yourself, let her know. By the way, it would be brilliant to let her know already now that you are not in a relationship that she thinks she is in. You indeed aren't.

I am a huge introvert, but there is no way that people at the top of my priorities list would merit a description you gave. Introversy does not justify it.
posted by Jurate at 11:52 AM on May 17

you gotta separate your feelings for her from your feelings over the situation. If you like your own time, distance relationships are the best but you've got anxiety over what's going to happen if she moves closer.

If she comes for the weekend, you can enjoy every minute of it, without anxiety, secure in the knowledge that you will get your own time. You give her 2 days of your fullest attention and get 5 of your own. As to the phonecalls, the only way to avoid your resentment is to have something else to do. If your busy say so but you have to be very clear about when you're going to phone her back and do it. A good strategy in this is, sometimes I dont want a long phonecall with my gf. she always watches soap operas, i will phone her 15 mins before they begin. therefore guaranteeing a shorter phonecall.

If she moves closer you could find your own time becoming less, this is a worry to you, instead of phoning you, she might be round your place. To get your own time you have to do stuff, get independent, do things she doesnt like to do. as long as you can balance stuff you do by yourself and stuff you do with her, it'll be fine. Also encourage her to do stuff that might not be your thing. thereby creating the ultimate balance of "her time" "your time" and "our time"
posted by browolf at 6:43 AM on May 18