What should I know about living with someone from Japan?

May 14, 2008 8:08 PM

What do I need to know about living with someone from Japan?

I'm interviewing roommates from Craigslist, and one of them is from Japan. She doesn't speak or write English very well, though she seems really nice, and I think it would be interesting and fun to live with someone from a different culture. On the other hand, I'm somewhat worried that the language and culture difference will be a difficulty (especially in New York City?).

I have hundreds of insane worries, but I'm wondering if there are realistic concerns to such a living situation? Or, if I choose to live with someone experiencing a new language and culture, what should I expect or keep in mind? I'm not sure the extent to which this question is Japan-specific, so I welcome any advice.

posted by unknowncommand to society & culture (18 comments total)

Sometimes it's easy to forget to include someone who doesn't speak the same language as you. It's an effort to communicate and sometimes you just don't want to bother. If she does end up living with you, try to include her as much as possible in any activities you do with your other housemates (if you have any). Even if she is unable to follow everything that's going on, I'm sure she'll be happy for the company, even if it's just going to a movie or playing pool.
posted by heffalump at 8:28 PM on May 14

I have had many Japanese roomates live with me over several years. They have had varying levels of English. In all cases it has been an absolute delight. Take your time to speak slowly and clearly and your communication will be reasonably trouble free. All of my roomates have had pocket translators and I'd be surprised if your candidate doesn't too. One area where you'll be able to share and communicate is in the kitchen. Food cuts across all barriers. Explore and embrace your differences, you'll find it fun and very rewarding.
posted by tellurian at 8:46 PM on May 14

As with any such situation, the specifics of the person outweigh the generalities of the group to which the person belongs, but that proviso out of the way:
Japanese ( esp. females) tend to be on the quieter, cleaner, more polite end of each of those three spectrums - particularly with people they don't know well.
Japanese customs rarely conflict in a unpleasant way with USian ones. She may prefer that you don't wear shoes in the apartment, for example.
One specific language issue that may cause confusion - if her English is poor, she may answer negative questions in Japanese logic fashion. (i.e. Q: You're not hungry, are you? A: Yes (as in yes, I am not hungry)
Japanese females tend to make excellent roommates, though, as always, YMMV.
posted by birdsquared at 8:53 PM on May 14

Don't walk around half dressed. Not respectful.
posted by rokusan at 8:59 PM on May 14

My mom rents a room to a woman she works with who's about the same age as her (mid-40s) and is from Japan. They're extremely good friends and by all accounts it's worked out pretty well, but my mom (who's a very direct and straight-talking person) had some problems at first in understanding when the woman was complaining about something because she wouldn't just come out and say it. For example, she called my mom this weekend to say that a branch in the backyard tree had mostly fallen off in the wind. My mom asked if it was a big branch and the woman said "Well, the tree doesn't look happy" but wouldn't elaborate. My mom was out of town and called a neighbor to look in on it -- turns out it was a huge 15 foot long branch that was dangling precariously from the tree and the woman didn't want to make a scene about it. Something similar occurred with the hot water heater breaking, I think.

YMMV, obviously.
posted by lilac girl at 9:20 PM on May 14

It's hard to tell if it's a good idea or not without knowing you or her. The basic thing will be that you'll have to put up more effort with a not-so-proficient english speaker than you will with a native. You'll have to explain lots of things related to boring subject like your household rules etc..
She will be like a kid and she will talk like a kid. You're going to be her personal translator for a lot of stuff.
There will be a lots of confusion on both sides. You'll definetely have arguments or get pissed off at something she did because she didn't understand you properly. It's part of the deal. That is the inconvenient part.
The good part is that you might learn a lot about a different culture than your own and it will open your eyes on life in general.
Down the line your might also get a friend in Japan which is always nice if you ever intend to visit the place.
So basically if you want something fresh in your life and have some time on your hand it's going to be a fun and interesting experience. On the other hand if you barely can keep up as it is with your friends, family and your work it's going to be another stuff you need to take care of.
posted by SageLeVoid at 9:44 PM on May 14

I have witnessed cultural run-ins where a well-brought-up Japanese person will refuse an offer of food or drink (expecting you to press it on them) that they really want, and then be non-plussed (and hungry and thirsty) when you don't offer a second and third time.

It probably depends just how fresh off the boat this person is.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 10:14 PM on May 14

She may prefer that you don't wear shoes in the apartment, for example.

After living in Japan for 8 years I find wearing outside shoes in the house, especially on linoleum or in the bathroom, to be quite, quite . . . disgusting, really.

If she's going to be your only roommate, I'd recommend thinking about buying a shoe organizer thing (and a place to sit to put them on) next to your front door. It's a wonderful habit to get into, not traipsing outside dirt all over your living space for no good reason.

She doesn't speak or write English very well

this is common. You should find her reading skills to be passable and her listening comprehension to be improved if you enunciate clearly. The Japanese do go through 6+ years of English study, but most of it is reading drills and the listening practice is dependent on how well their English teacher can speak the language.

If she is FOB your roommate may become seriously depressed with the culture shock, but Japanese people getting places through CL are a more adventurous subpopulation and I think this is less likely.

Certainly of all the roommates to get, an adventurous Japanese woman is a reasonably risk-free proposition.

羨ましいよ
posted by tachikaze at 10:28 PM on May 14

This might be helpful, if you can find a copy.
posted by brujita at 10:48 PM on May 14

I've had two male and one female Japanese roommates and there were never any cultural problems beyond English being their second language. Two were insanely awesome roommates and still good friends, and the other was still very polite and a fine roommate.

The only thing cultural thing I noticed is that they always showered at night. Not a problem, but there was more than one occasion where I ended up waiting ~30 minutes before I could go to bed since I couldn't get into the bathroom to brush my teeth. A minor annoyance at the very worst, but if you have similar bedtimes, stash a toothbrush in your room just in case.
posted by Nelsormensch at 10:58 PM on May 14

This person is very likely living in NYC in order to learn English, so that's what you should always remember. Use simplified English until you get a good feel of what her level is.

This thread has a danger of tipping into stereotype, however flattering it may be. So without further ado *ahem*...she might be uncomfortable if a lot of your friends are at the apartment all the time. Japanese almost always go out to hang out with friends, whereas Americans tend to go to a friend's place to hang out. Then again, maybe that kind of friendship/interaction is what she'd like.

How long has she been in the US? She may or may not be experiencing culture shock, but NYC is a pretty good place for Japanese to experience the US--if she needs to, she can meet with other Japanese living there, which I've heard is a lot.

If you're a slob, that might annoy her, as the Japanese are usually fastidiously clean. Then again, she may be a slob, so who knows.
posted by zardoz at 11:43 PM on May 14

Along the lines of Lilac girl's comments about lack of directness, even Japanese people with fairly solid English skills have a tendency to state their very definite opinions in terms that sound very indefinite to English speakers. Anticipate lots of sentences starting with "Maybe," even when there's no maybe about it -- "I think, maybe, your hair is on fire." -- well, that's even too extreme for Japanese folk, maybe.
posted by Bixby23 at 12:50 AM on May 15 [1 favorite]

I'd suggest checking out her rules of etiquette back home, paying particular attention to Japanese taboos. To what extent she wants to absorb American culture and forfeit her own is the big unknown here. If you could find out where in Japan she's from (urban vs. rural), what she's moving to the States for (academics vs. career), you might be able to start piecing together the context of her transition.

While the WWW has made it so much easier to find roommates, it seems to be a really bad medium for learning too much about a potential roommate's personality. You'd learn a lot from the way she speaks, and I'd wager that if you somehow got a picture of her (in some non-creepy way that escapes me), if she is smiling with any of her teeth showing, she's probably an outgoing type and will be a ton easier to communicate with.
posted by krippledkonscious at 2:14 AM on May 15

I had two female Japanese roommates while in college (town-house style dorm with 5 bedrooms). They were extremely tidy and polite. I did notice a few minor cultural differences - setting the thermostat to 30 degrees C one night because it was a bit cool outside (This was 10 years ago and I still remember waking up feeling like I was in the middle of the desert!), and different foods in the fridge that I had never been exposed to.

They were great to live with though and I did spend quite a bit of time with one of the roommates - going to bars, grocery shopping, helping her with her English, etc.
posted by kelrae3 at 4:16 AM on May 15

Japanese females are, inna final analysis, likely the best flatmates a person can ever have.
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:48 AM on May 15

So I go into the grocery store the other day to pick up a few things. I'm having some trouble finding the salt among all the spices, so I ask the kid on the ground who is restocking things where I can find the salt. He looks up at me and says, "the regular salt is there, and the Japanese salt is a little further down."

Curious, I asked him, "Wait, what's the difference between regular salt and Japanese salt?"

To which he replied, "well, as you can see, the Japanese salt is a little bit smaller... and more polite."
posted by GooseOnTheLoose at 5:55 AM on May 15

nthing comments about indirectness... setting language comprehension abilities aside generally speaking Japanese people don't state things directly. I've been told that being direct is can be read as a sign of emotional distress or disregard for the intelligence of the listener. Be prepared to read between the lines. That being said, I think if you are willing to bridge the communication gap it will be a very rewarding experience.

As others have said though it of course depends on the individuals involved.

Although its tangential, here is an anecdote from my adventures in Japan to give you an idea of how English might mean something different to speaker and listener:

A friend of mine who I had met when she studied in America lived near where I was studying in Japan and I asked her one day if she was free later in the week to which she replied that she had no "free time" which I read as I am busy w/ obligations like family, school, work, etc. Later after that week had passed she mentioned going to see a movie with friends and I was confused because to me it sounded like she had lied about being busy to spend time with other people. After this was sorted out what it came down to was when she said I have no "free time" she meant I have no unscheduled time available, not I am busy with obligations. Since we had different understandings of the meaning of the word "free" in this context we did not communicate effectively. Its a subtle difference but its one that lead to a misunderstanding.

I would guess little things like this might crop up, but if you are patient, listen and ask lots of questions I think it would be a great experience.
posted by zennoshinjou at 6:26 AM on May 15

I have lived with roomates that have poor English for two years (one is from western Sahara and one from from Angola) and I find that their English usually improves very quickly once they are immersed in an Anglophone environment. Remember to initiate conversation sometimes, always wait and listen patiently to what she has to say (even if it's a few words) and do stuff together sometimes (shopping, cooking, etc) as that will help you know each other. Don't interrupt too much when she is trying to say something; hear her out instead, and ask more questions if you don't get her meaning. Speak slower and clearly, but don't speak as if to a child or too loud, as that won't help.

I've found that it is good to decide on rules and customs with your roomate near the beginning of her stay. Make sure that you both agree on what's ok and what's not (borrowing, bringing friends home, shoes in the house etc.) and stick to it. It'll build up trust much more quickly. Periodically review how the rules are going, and try to be honest (but not confrontational) about any problems or dissatisfactions.

And nthing the comments about Japanese/Asian politeness and indirectness - they tend to keep their discontent to themselves. She might not speak up when she is unhappy about something, or just hint at it in a very vague way, so you might have to learn to read her expressions/hesitation and probe further if you have concerns. Try to learn more about common behaviour and taboos for Japanese, and don't push too hard for a confrontation/bluntness on her part maybe.

But not every Japanese female is like the stereotype... my Japanese friend is almost the exact opposite (a bit clueless, very honest and upfront, and extremely happy-go-lucky) so don't create too many preconceptions until you meet her :P There's lots of variety.

It's a great chance to make a new friend and learn more about another culture. Good luck!
posted by monocot at 7:26 AM on May 15