Has the stress of my relationship problems and getting to REALLY know someone made my partner less attractive to me?
May 12, 2008 7:23 PM Subscribe
Has the stress of my relationship problems and getting to REALLY know someone made my partner less attractive to me?
me and my partner have had a rough year. we've had a few issues since living together, trust the biggest amongst them, and have sought counseling (couples and individual)....things are slowly, slowly, SLOWLY getting better, but when one of the aftershocks is felt, it's really hard to deal with. and i think that the aftershocks have been taking the joy out of both our lives and the relationship.
i feel that i am having a hard time with my level of attraction to my partner and they are noticing it. maybe it's the fact that all this stress we've gone though has altered my perceptions or that really getting to know someone on this level has turned me off...?? i've never had a relationship at this level and find i am not experienced at all at more committed partnerships. my partner is extremely keen on me still despite all of our troubles, yet my response to this is pretty lukewarm. i feel god awful about my tepid attitude. i just want my partner to be happy and not have any stress or worries, but i think that i am a big part of the problem.
i love and care for my partner deeply but i feel that it's really hard to find that attraction for them with all this going on...maybe it has just cooled down a great deal since our troubles started. lately i find myself being self-absorbed and acting in selfish ways, being inconsiderate of my partner.
I think I’ve shot myself in the foot by letting this type of behavior remain with me into adulthood. And during adulthood, being independent for a very long time, having very shallow and short-lived relationships has ingrained a kind of obstinate independence into me, like a stubborn child who won’t eat his greens, even though he knows they are good for him. Yes, we are still receiving counseling. My therapist has helped me with my inner-critic and a few other things, but this absent-mindedness/self-absorption is fairly new.
I've promised my partner that I am still attracted to them and I feel that I am, but when we're going through bad times I am not - and I just can't seem to break through that wall of feeling sorry for myself and us, or the general depression to actually reach out to them for some make-up lovin'......because that is what i feel my partner is looking for or what they need.
man, i feel all screwed up.
me and my partner have had a rough year. we've had a few issues since living together, trust the biggest amongst them, and have sought counseling (couples and individual)....things are slowly, slowly, SLOWLY getting better, but when one of the aftershocks is felt, it's really hard to deal with. and i think that the aftershocks have been taking the joy out of both our lives and the relationship.
i feel that i am having a hard time with my level of attraction to my partner and they are noticing it. maybe it's the fact that all this stress we've gone though has altered my perceptions or that really getting to know someone on this level has turned me off...?? i've never had a relationship at this level and find i am not experienced at all at more committed partnerships. my partner is extremely keen on me still despite all of our troubles, yet my response to this is pretty lukewarm. i feel god awful about my tepid attitude. i just want my partner to be happy and not have any stress or worries, but i think that i am a big part of the problem.
i love and care for my partner deeply but i feel that it's really hard to find that attraction for them with all this going on...maybe it has just cooled down a great deal since our troubles started. lately i find myself being self-absorbed and acting in selfish ways, being inconsiderate of my partner.
I think I’ve shot myself in the foot by letting this type of behavior remain with me into adulthood. And during adulthood, being independent for a very long time, having very shallow and short-lived relationships has ingrained a kind of obstinate independence into me, like a stubborn child who won’t eat his greens, even though he knows they are good for him. Yes, we are still receiving counseling. My therapist has helped me with my inner-critic and a few other things, but this absent-mindedness/self-absorption is fairly new.
I've promised my partner that I am still attracted to them and I feel that I am, but when we're going through bad times I am not - and I just can't seem to break through that wall of feeling sorry for myself and us, or the general depression to actually reach out to them for some make-up lovin'......because that is what i feel my partner is looking for or what they need.
man, i feel all screwed up.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request. -- jessamyn
It appears that you're not mature enough to handle handle a serious relationship right now. (And that you're a product of of a diagnosis-happy culture.) Unless you're married or there are children involved, there's no sense in sticking with something that's causing you so much stress. You seem to be young, so go be carefree for awhile. Spend the time and money you're dropping on therapy on a charitable cause. The more you focus on what is wrong in your life, the worse you'll feel. Move and and be happy!
posted by phunniemee at 8:08 PM on May 12, 2008
posted by phunniemee at 8:08 PM on May 12, 2008
Can we get more information about your situation? Is this the first time that this has happened? How long have you been with your partner?....I think this would help provide you with a better answer.....with the information i have so far...i would say before you do anything rash...take a week to yourself and breath.....dont have her around. see if you feel better.....
posted by The1andonly at 8:11 PM on May 12, 2008
posted by The1andonly at 8:11 PM on May 12, 2008
That should say "move ON and be happy..."
posted by phunniemee at 8:13 PM on May 12, 2008
posted by phunniemee at 8:13 PM on May 12, 2008
It is very hard to have a serious committed relationship when you have been in and out of quick, easy relationships. That you want to fix this is a good sign. Yes, it really is hard to hang in there. It's completely natural to have your sex drive dampened when under stress of any kind. Wrestling with hard stuff in a relationship does suck the joy out of it. BUT, it doesn't mean the relationship is no good, nor that you won't feel sexual feelings again.
In my relationship the best thing we did was, once in a while, just go away for a weekend. Being far from the troubled home, and doing something fun together can do wonders for your feelings. You cannot just sit in the trenches and fight your way toward love. Take a break. Do something fun and surprising.
Secondly, you need to talk about these feelings. Keeping them secret makes them more powerful. It's okay to talk about how the daily struggle of the relationship is difficult and numbing. It manifests itself, TO YOU, as not being attracted anymore, but the truth is, you are scared and weary, and THAT is dulling your sex drive. See how that makes it NOT about her and more about your feelings?
posted by generic230 at 8:23 PM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
In my relationship the best thing we did was, once in a while, just go away for a weekend. Being far from the troubled home, and doing something fun together can do wonders for your feelings. You cannot just sit in the trenches and fight your way toward love. Take a break. Do something fun and surprising.
Secondly, you need to talk about these feelings. Keeping them secret makes them more powerful. It's okay to talk about how the daily struggle of the relationship is difficult and numbing. It manifests itself, TO YOU, as not being attracted anymore, but the truth is, you are scared and weary, and THAT is dulling your sex drive. See how that makes it NOT about her and more about your feelings?
posted by generic230 at 8:23 PM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
Isn't that funny how that works? When you realize that everybody is flawed? Nobody is perfect. Our partners cannot please us all of the time. They are not programmed to behave, look, or converse in a way that will be pleasing to us at all times.
Sometimes when you're in a long-term relationship your partner can be less attractive at times. You know, the relationships go through hills and valleys theory.
Sometimes I can't stand the site of my partner chewing. Even a slightly audible breathing can make me want to bash a frying pan over his head, but the next day I'm in love again. It's no mystery that I'm probably unhappy with myself, or we've had a stressful day, when he can repulse me so.
Maybe you need to be more realistic. Or, if there are more valleys than peaks, maybe this isn't the relationship for you.
posted by LoriFLA at 8:28 PM on May 12, 2008 [4 favorites]
Sometimes when you're in a long-term relationship your partner can be less attractive at times. You know, the relationships go through hills and valleys theory.
Sometimes I can't stand the site of my partner chewing. Even a slightly audible breathing can make me want to bash a frying pan over his head, but the next day I'm in love again. It's no mystery that I'm probably unhappy with myself, or we've had a stressful day, when he can repulse me so.
Maybe you need to be more realistic. Or, if there are more valleys than peaks, maybe this isn't the relationship for you.
posted by LoriFLA at 8:28 PM on May 12, 2008 [4 favorites]
You posted anonymously, so I'm perplexed as to why you're not more specific about the past problems you've had; it would be helpful for people to know. Personally, this feels too vague for me to feel like I can say much that is helpful. You say "trust" is an issue, so did this person cheat on you or something?
I'm inclined to say if your partner has done something so bad that you are no longer attracted to them you should end the relationship, but I have no way to gauge if your reaction is reasonable or not since I don't know what your partner did. I mean, it seems like you're asking if this is a problem with you being too immature to handle a serious relationship, but you haven't given us enough information to evaluate whether you're behaving immaturely or reacting like any mature adult would. I don't feel comfortable telling you to stay in the relationship because for all I know there's no point, but I also don't feel comfortable telling you to end it because it might be "serious relationship jitters" on your part.
I can't tell you if you're reasonably or unreasonably no longer attracted to your partner. It really depends on the circumstances.
If you want to add more specific information anonymously, I believe you can contact a mod and they will post it for you.
posted by Nattie at 9:17 PM on May 12, 2008
I'm inclined to say if your partner has done something so bad that you are no longer attracted to them you should end the relationship, but I have no way to gauge if your reaction is reasonable or not since I don't know what your partner did. I mean, it seems like you're asking if this is a problem with you being too immature to handle a serious relationship, but you haven't given us enough information to evaluate whether you're behaving immaturely or reacting like any mature adult would. I don't feel comfortable telling you to stay in the relationship because for all I know there's no point, but I also don't feel comfortable telling you to end it because it might be "serious relationship jitters" on your part.
I can't tell you if you're reasonably or unreasonably no longer attracted to your partner. It really depends on the circumstances.
If you want to add more specific information anonymously, I believe you can contact a mod and they will post it for you.
posted by Nattie at 9:17 PM on May 12, 2008
Some more specific details might be useful, particularly a sort of relationship history prescis. I don't feel like I'm alone in saying that prior relationships (indeed, simply prior events) have had a big impact on how I exist within the boundaries of more recent ones, and generally to the detriment of everyone involved. Only recently have I begun to properly examine this state of affairs - my approaches to intimacy, communication, etcetera - and realised that I have had a totally skewed and frankly immature outlook. Now that I have finally identified these problems, I can work towards correcting them.
I guess what I'm saying is that if we have more of an idea about your past, we might be able to be a little more useful in helping you get an idea of where you want to be in the future. This might just end up with fifteen comments by people saying UR DOIN IT WRONG, but you never know.
posted by turgid dahlia at 10:01 PM on May 12, 2008
I guess what I'm saying is that if we have more of an idea about your past, we might be able to be a little more useful in helping you get an idea of where you want to be in the future. This might just end up with fifteen comments by people saying UR DOIN IT WRONG, but you never know.
posted by turgid dahlia at 10:01 PM on May 12, 2008
I'm just guessing here but focusing on the sexual attraction part - try taking turns being the do-er and recipient. The goal of the do-er to pleasure the recipient. The recipient can make suggestions (which do-er may follow or not). The goal of both people to make the recipient sexually satisfied. Then trade roles (same session or a scheduled later one, but not too much later.) When it is your turn to receive, be playful and experimental. I assume even if you aren't that turned on by your partner, you can still figure out how let him/her get you off. When it is your turn to give, focus on being unselfish for that specific window of time. View it as gift that you giving to your partner because you care for them. Don't think about how aroused you are, that's not the point if you are do-er.
If it works at all the first time, keep trying and see if it improves your regular sex life as well.
posted by metahawk at 10:30 PM on May 12, 2008
If it works at all the first time, keep trying and see if it improves your regular sex life as well.
posted by metahawk at 10:30 PM on May 12, 2008
And during adulthood, being independent for a very long time, having very shallow and short-lived relationships has ingrained a kind of obstinate independence into me, like a stubborn child who won’t eat his greens, even though he knows they are good for him.
This stopped me short. I've spent years...years, years, years - learning how NOT to "eat my greens" like a good girl. This isn't necessarily a bad trait, you know! Self sacrifice only looks noble on paper.
You say that there have been "trust issues" in the relationship. Trust can be a real deal-breaker. Even though the head says it's resolved, the gut will argue with you. I think that this is one of those situations. Whatever you do, do not pretend that everything's fine just to save your partner's feelings. It will cause greater trust issues in the long run if it's discovered - and even more importantly, it will cause resentment within yourself.
Either ask for and allow yourself the time to regain your attraction to your partner, or leave - because if you don't accept and acknowledge how you feel, it's over anyway.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:42 PM on May 12, 2008
This stopped me short. I've spent years...years, years, years - learning how NOT to "eat my greens" like a good girl. This isn't necessarily a bad trait, you know! Self sacrifice only looks noble on paper.
You say that there have been "trust issues" in the relationship. Trust can be a real deal-breaker. Even though the head says it's resolved, the gut will argue with you. I think that this is one of those situations. Whatever you do, do not pretend that everything's fine just to save your partner's feelings. It will cause greater trust issues in the long run if it's discovered - and even more importantly, it will cause resentment within yourself.
Either ask for and allow yourself the time to regain your attraction to your partner, or leave - because if you don't accept and acknowledge how you feel, it's over anyway.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:42 PM on May 12, 2008
I'm afraid that your description of the problem is just a shade too vague for me to offer specific suggestions (sorry), so I'm going to fall back on a more general suggestion: recommending a book that is helping me overcome YEARS AND YEARS of various kinds of self-sabotaging behavior in relationships: If The Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl.
It sounds like you suspect that a large part of the problem is in your own head and your attitude towards things, and that is a HUGE thing to realize, so you're ahead of the game a bit already. I had the same realizations too, and that's why this book was so much more helpful to me where others were not -- other advice books and advice sources dealt more with "how to figure out whether something is in your head or not", but this focuses more on "how to DEAL with what's going on in your head, whatever it may be." Despite the name, it's not written from a solely Buddhist or Zen perspective -- there are occasional references to Buddhist thinking and philosophy, but if I were to sum up the basic thrust of the book it'd be "to thine own self be true -- and here's also how to figure out what thine own self is moment to moment and what thine own self needs".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:03 AM on May 13, 2008
It sounds like you suspect that a large part of the problem is in your own head and your attitude towards things, and that is a HUGE thing to realize, so you're ahead of the game a bit already. I had the same realizations too, and that's why this book was so much more helpful to me where others were not -- other advice books and advice sources dealt more with "how to figure out whether something is in your head or not", but this focuses more on "how to DEAL with what's going on in your head, whatever it may be." Despite the name, it's not written from a solely Buddhist or Zen perspective -- there are occasional references to Buddhist thinking and philosophy, but if I were to sum up the basic thrust of the book it'd be "to thine own self be true -- and here's also how to figure out what thine own self is moment to moment and what thine own self needs".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:03 AM on May 13, 2008
Sexual problems are normal in a relationship, it's just that they usually seem to happen in secret.
There is an author, David Schnarch who explores how these are normal problems and part of possible growth his book "passionate marriage" really influenced my look at sex.
Here is an interview with the author from his web site.
http://www.passionatemarriage.com/st_book_rs_interview.shtml
posted by jade east at 11:19 AM on May 13, 2008
There is an author, David Schnarch who explores how these are normal problems and part of possible growth his book "passionate marriage" really influenced my look at sex.
Here is an interview with the author from his web site.
http://www.passionatemarriage.com/st_book_rs_interview.shtml
posted by jade east at 11:19 AM on May 13, 2008
Mod note: This is a followup comment from the anonymous asker.
thanks for the replies so far. there have been numerous
requests for more history so i'll try to supply as many details as i can.
me and my partner had dated briefly 3 years ago, and i had broken up with them because i felt we weren't a good match and i wanted to date other people. my now ex-partner didn't take that very well, of course, but they didn't disappear from my life completely. solely through their persistence, eventually we became good friends. and i am very thankful for that, because i didn't have hardly any friends period. i was a real jerk at times, and horrible company on a few occasions, but they saw something good in me that they didn't want to lose and looked past all my bad traits.
also during this time after we had split up, i had a few short-term relationships. i didn't share any of this with my ex. if she had asked me what i did over the weekend, instead of telling them about a date i had, i would lie and said i did something else. i felt somehow that if i told them i was seeing other people she would feel bad about themselves or be jealous, etc. -- or think less of me. and my modus operandi had always been to keep my persona in a good light and good standing. and i realize now that that is not how true friends treat each other.
all along this time, my ex had their suspicions about my love life....and through the magic of social networking websites, they were able to witness and see what actually was going on from a weird innocent bystander/stalker kind of viewpoint. of course i was too oblivious to realize that these sort of online representations of real life could be taken so literally by anyone that didn't know the real story. so basically my ex had to 'fill in the blanks' on what was going on with me, while giving me a wide berth to come forward and be open/honest about it all -- which of course i didn't, because i was very private, to myself, guarded and walled-off for many years by then.
so this created a major hurdle (more below) when we got back together a little over a year later. we got back together because i was going through a major hardship, and my ex had been there, faithfully by my side showing and giving their support. i had been reflecting on how great of a friend and how great of a person my ex was and i began to have strong feelings for them. and i felt silly about the stupid, vapid relationships i had had previously when a really great, meaningful one could be right in front of me.
so we started dating again, and things were good. soon enough, the gaping hole of what and who i did during the period when we were not dating became a concern for my partner. they were still present in my contacts on a social networking site, which to my partner meant that those people still meant something to me. my partner came from the viewpoint that anyone's online 'persona' should always be a true representation of the real person behind it. i had never seen it that way before, because i had never given those sites much credence at all. but i saw the truth in what my partner was telling me - and people are 'marketing' themselves through these sites, and that the real truth behind the marketing does not usually jive with who the real person is!
so having to witness my life second hand through one of these sites while we were apart, once back together, my partner started feeling like they were second best and last picked, that they were never going to be as good as who i was dating before, that they couldn't be those type of people. i assured them that was not the case -- that i had no desire for my partner to be anyone else but themselves! this would come up and still does at times. i took the queue and made my online persona more true to life. i reassured my partner that none of my past interests were important, and that they should have been deleted much earlier had i been aware of the weight that an online representation can have.
after a few months, we moved in together in a brand new town. at first i was living alone for a few weeks while waiting for my partner to move in. it was awkward; there were a lot of phone conversations where my partner felt like they were not really important to me and that i acted like i did not want them to move in. after moving in, there was some adjustments i had to go through too.
before living together, we would see each other mostly on the weekends, which allowed me time to focus on other things during the week. and by the time it was the weekend, i felt ready to spend some time with my partner. now that they were always around, i found it difficult to adjust to that. it was hard adjusting to my partners pet cats, and i have an issue with their shedding hair. i had lived alone for many a year, let alone had never lived with someone i was in a relationship with. my sex drive cooled off a great deal. it was making me a little crazy and a little unhappy. like committed relationship jitters or something. or i couldn't get space or time away to 'make the heart fonder.' we started couples counseling to help out with this.
before living together, i had told my partner that i was not in any way communicating with any of my past partners. this wasn't really true, as every once in a blue moon i would get an friendly 'just saying hi' email from a previous ex (from ~4 years ago). now it IS my fault for not getting formal closure on that past relationship. but i had believed that it WAS over, and that the occasional email i would get from them was purely harmless.
so my partner and i are in counseling, making progress...it's difficult but seems to be helping, even though at the time i am still a bit unhappy. out of the blue, this ex from ~4 years ago emails me, asking how things are going between us....and wouldn't i like to know that their current relationship is going south, blah blah. this was the worst timing!!! before i knew what was happening, i was replying to my old ex, commiserating about how difficult my current relationship was, and generally slandering my partner! what in god's name was i thinking?!?! maybe it was the pseudo anonymity of the email itself, but why was i was getting things off chest in an email to an old flame, but was not telling my partner this, nor talking about it in counseling!?!?!
my partner was able to access my email account through a glitch and read all this. they were heartbroken beyond compare....extremely betrayed, extremely back-stabbed, extremely distraught. i was caught red-handed in this lie about communicating with an ex, and had never felt so horrible about myself in my life.
somehow, we decided to work it out. the extreme emotional impact of blew me away, it was like an epiphany, i saw how much of an asshole i had been, not only recently, but for many many years. it's been many months since this happened, and we've felt the aftershocks and ripples on a weekly basis it seems. like i said in the original post, things are slowly getting better. i try to not be impatient. i try to get out of my head and i try not to thing that everything is 'ok' -- because it's really not and i guess it's always going to be there. that's depressing.
i started individual counseling after being discovered in this lie, my partner just recently did for themselves. their counseling has been intense, and has brought up issues for them that are almost as bad to deal with as when i lied about emailing my old ex. my partner's history is rife with abuse, from childhood and their previous marriage.
my partner has had some financial problems too, and i have been supportive of them, lending money, paying for a great deal of things, etc... i feel bad about complaining about this, but i think i am spending more money than i am making. my partner is on a strict budget, and doesn't make much money, which is fine, but i feel the 'money issue' is something that is nagging me. i don't know how to bring this subject up. i am having problems communicating, because of an annoying problem of keeping things to myself, bottled up. in fear that what i said would be taken bad or taken the wrong way....recently i've noticed this problem in myself and need to explore in more in my counseling....
and i think i have made a lot of good progress in my individual counseling, and am getting over myself slowly but surely. but as i stated in my post up top, my desire level for my partner is an issue. is it because i really 'know' them and 'familiarity breeds contempt?' i'm dutiful in the bedroom but i'm usually not the instigator -- i love my partner, but sometimes i am just not interested in them physically. part of me thinks if we lived apart but still dated, my desire would return. part of me thinks that if my partner lost some of the weight they have gained, that it would help. part of me still feels excitement in the new and unknown possibilities of other partners....
my partner is tired of all this shit and so am i. they have more or less told me 'i'm out here on the ledge, it's up to you to come out and get me, or leave me there. i am tired of reaching out to you. you either want me or you don't.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:14 PM on May 13, 2008
thanks for the replies so far. there have been numerous
requests for more history so i'll try to supply as many details as i can.
me and my partner had dated briefly 3 years ago, and i had broken up with them because i felt we weren't a good match and i wanted to date other people. my now ex-partner didn't take that very well, of course, but they didn't disappear from my life completely. solely through their persistence, eventually we became good friends. and i am very thankful for that, because i didn't have hardly any friends period. i was a real jerk at times, and horrible company on a few occasions, but they saw something good in me that they didn't want to lose and looked past all my bad traits.
also during this time after we had split up, i had a few short-term relationships. i didn't share any of this with my ex. if she had asked me what i did over the weekend, instead of telling them about a date i had, i would lie and said i did something else. i felt somehow that if i told them i was seeing other people she would feel bad about themselves or be jealous, etc. -- or think less of me. and my modus operandi had always been to keep my persona in a good light and good standing. and i realize now that that is not how true friends treat each other.
all along this time, my ex had their suspicions about my love life....and through the magic of social networking websites, they were able to witness and see what actually was going on from a weird innocent bystander/stalker kind of viewpoint. of course i was too oblivious to realize that these sort of online representations of real life could be taken so literally by anyone that didn't know the real story. so basically my ex had to 'fill in the blanks' on what was going on with me, while giving me a wide berth to come forward and be open/honest about it all -- which of course i didn't, because i was very private, to myself, guarded and walled-off for many years by then.
so this created a major hurdle (more below) when we got back together a little over a year later. we got back together because i was going through a major hardship, and my ex had been there, faithfully by my side showing and giving their support. i had been reflecting on how great of a friend and how great of a person my ex was and i began to have strong feelings for them. and i felt silly about the stupid, vapid relationships i had had previously when a really great, meaningful one could be right in front of me.
so we started dating again, and things were good. soon enough, the gaping hole of what and who i did during the period when we were not dating became a concern for my partner. they were still present in my contacts on a social networking site, which to my partner meant that those people still meant something to me. my partner came from the viewpoint that anyone's online 'persona' should always be a true representation of the real person behind it. i had never seen it that way before, because i had never given those sites much credence at all. but i saw the truth in what my partner was telling me - and people are 'marketing' themselves through these sites, and that the real truth behind the marketing does not usually jive with who the real person is!
so having to witness my life second hand through one of these sites while we were apart, once back together, my partner started feeling like they were second best and last picked, that they were never going to be as good as who i was dating before, that they couldn't be those type of people. i assured them that was not the case -- that i had no desire for my partner to be anyone else but themselves! this would come up and still does at times. i took the queue and made my online persona more true to life. i reassured my partner that none of my past interests were important, and that they should have been deleted much earlier had i been aware of the weight that an online representation can have.
after a few months, we moved in together in a brand new town. at first i was living alone for a few weeks while waiting for my partner to move in. it was awkward; there were a lot of phone conversations where my partner felt like they were not really important to me and that i acted like i did not want them to move in. after moving in, there was some adjustments i had to go through too.
before living together, we would see each other mostly on the weekends, which allowed me time to focus on other things during the week. and by the time it was the weekend, i felt ready to spend some time with my partner. now that they were always around, i found it difficult to adjust to that. it was hard adjusting to my partners pet cats, and i have an issue with their shedding hair. i had lived alone for many a year, let alone had never lived with someone i was in a relationship with. my sex drive cooled off a great deal. it was making me a little crazy and a little unhappy. like committed relationship jitters or something. or i couldn't get space or time away to 'make the heart fonder.' we started couples counseling to help out with this.
before living together, i had told my partner that i was not in any way communicating with any of my past partners. this wasn't really true, as every once in a blue moon i would get an friendly 'just saying hi' email from a previous ex (from ~4 years ago). now it IS my fault for not getting formal closure on that past relationship. but i had believed that it WAS over, and that the occasional email i would get from them was purely harmless.
so my partner and i are in counseling, making progress...it's difficult but seems to be helping, even though at the time i am still a bit unhappy. out of the blue, this ex from ~4 years ago emails me, asking how things are going between us....and wouldn't i like to know that their current relationship is going south, blah blah. this was the worst timing!!! before i knew what was happening, i was replying to my old ex, commiserating about how difficult my current relationship was, and generally slandering my partner! what in god's name was i thinking?!?! maybe it was the pseudo anonymity of the email itself, but why was i was getting things off chest in an email to an old flame, but was not telling my partner this, nor talking about it in counseling!?!?!
my partner was able to access my email account through a glitch and read all this. they were heartbroken beyond compare....extremely betrayed, extremely back-stabbed, extremely distraught. i was caught red-handed in this lie about communicating with an ex, and had never felt so horrible about myself in my life.
somehow, we decided to work it out. the extreme emotional impact of blew me away, it was like an epiphany, i saw how much of an asshole i had been, not only recently, but for many many years. it's been many months since this happened, and we've felt the aftershocks and ripples on a weekly basis it seems. like i said in the original post, things are slowly getting better. i try to not be impatient. i try to get out of my head and i try not to thing that everything is 'ok' -- because it's really not and i guess it's always going to be there. that's depressing.
i started individual counseling after being discovered in this lie, my partner just recently did for themselves. their counseling has been intense, and has brought up issues for them that are almost as bad to deal with as when i lied about emailing my old ex. my partner's history is rife with abuse, from childhood and their previous marriage.
my partner has had some financial problems too, and i have been supportive of them, lending money, paying for a great deal of things, etc... i feel bad about complaining about this, but i think i am spending more money than i am making. my partner is on a strict budget, and doesn't make much money, which is fine, but i feel the 'money issue' is something that is nagging me. i don't know how to bring this subject up. i am having problems communicating, because of an annoying problem of keeping things to myself, bottled up. in fear that what i said would be taken bad or taken the wrong way....recently i've noticed this problem in myself and need to explore in more in my counseling....
and i think i have made a lot of good progress in my individual counseling, and am getting over myself slowly but surely. but as i stated in my post up top, my desire level for my partner is an issue. is it because i really 'know' them and 'familiarity breeds contempt?' i'm dutiful in the bedroom but i'm usually not the instigator -- i love my partner, but sometimes i am just not interested in them physically. part of me thinks if we lived apart but still dated, my desire would return. part of me thinks that if my partner lost some of the weight they have gained, that it would help. part of me still feels excitement in the new and unknown possibilities of other partners....
my partner is tired of all this shit and so am i. they have more or less told me 'i'm out here on the ledge, it's up to you to come out and get me, or leave me there. i am tired of reaching out to you. you either want me or you don't.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:14 PM on May 13, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by babyluvschrome at 8:01 PM on May 12, 2008