Apart from that it's an awful idea.

May 13, 2008 8:59 AM

What should I know about trying to have casual first-time sex at a fantasy convention?

I've never had sex. I'd like to get the first time over with, specially since I don't see the second time happening anytime soon. I'm a girl. I'm going to a fantasy convention and I'd like to pull someone, male, and sleep with them. I know this is a stupid plan but I'd like to give it a go if I can. I'm aware of safety issues (STDs, pregnancy, being alone with possibly violent or weird people, and will take precautions). What advice can you give me? I'm not conventionally attractive, don't dress well and I'm overweight. Should I even bother trying? Specific questions - if I do sleep with someone, will he be able to tell I'm a virgin? (I don't think I've got much hymen left.) Is it unfair to a man to sleep with him if I'm not planning any further contact? Anything you can tell me about pulling fantasy fans? I know the basic stuff about getting off with people in general, making eye contact et cetera.

Email me at conventionmf @ hotmail.co.uk if you prefer.

posted by anonymous to human relations (47 comments total)

I love (really love) that you used the term "pull" in its MMORPG context in reference to finding a date.

That said, relax. Losing my virginity seemed like a huge deal at the time, but 10 years later, it was a fairly minor event. Much more significant was the 7 year relationship that followed. You don't need to save it like it's a precious commodity, but sleeping with someone at PAX or Blizzcon just because you feel like you need to get rid of your virginity probably isn't the greatest idea either.
posted by Oktober at 9:09 AM on May 13

Is this a story you want to have in your history? If someone told you they lost their virginity at a furry con or whatever, would you think that was awesome or lame? Save your virginity and your dignity and don't do it.
posted by pieoverdone at 9:13 AM on May 13

But more to the point, be yourself, not what you think other people want you to be. There are plenty of unconventionally-attractive women that I've found myself attracted to because they were smart, funny, had shared interested, and so on.
posted by Oktober at 9:14 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

At the risk of possibly fulfilling what you expect the kind of answer you're going to get will be...this, yes, isn't the best of ideas.

But I'm not speaking from an "omigod you trollop how dare you" kind of perspective -- I'm looking more at the reason WHY you want to do this. You are convinced that you "aren't conventionally attractive", and that you're doing this to "get it over with" because "the second time you have sex isn't coming soon."

That's...not a good reason. And not because "the first time should be all speshul." It's a reason that is going to come across -- the kind of guy that is attracted by the "I just want to get it over with" kind of casual sex is usually a total skeezemonkey, and -- speaking as one who's indeed been taken advantage of by a few skeezemonkeys -- you don't want those guys for your first time, nor for any time.

I've not been to conventions, but from what I understand, it is possible to have a casual fling -- but not if someone is trying very hard TO have a fling. People can kind of tell if you're trying to self-medicate, so to speak, by trying to have casual sex in this way, and...if you set yourself up for "if I don't have sex then I'll just DIE" kind of thing, others can pick up on that and you could end up even more disappointed.

I know this isn't the advice you want to hear, but you may want to instead focus on forgiving yourself a little. You're kicking yourself around right now for "not being conventionally attractive," but something tells me...that's not 100% true. You're desperate to have sex to "get it over with," and people may pick up on that. I would instead work on building up your own confidence and faith in yourself first. This may not get you laid at this convention, the next convention you go to, or ever; a lot goes into that. But it does give you a much better chance at attracting someone -- people are attracted to people who have a bit more confidence. But the REAL benefit of more confidence in yourself? You won't be fretting about being a virgin, and so sex will be more of a bonus rather than "I have to do this and get it over with."

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:16 AM on May 13 [6 favorites]

I'm not conventionally attractive, don't dress well

Well, start dressing well- it's important for you to love yourself if you want other people to. Dressing well sends a message to other people that you value yourself. It's not about spending a lot of money- flattering clothes can be purchased at the Salvation Army or Target. Instead of trying to sleep with someone you don't know for whatever reason, use this trip as a chance to try out some new looks to see if you can find one that makes you feel like the best you. Find a nice outfit, go to the convention, and knock the boys dead. Don't worry about sleeping with someone- you'll waste your time trying to force things, and as said above, people can sense desperation (and you don't want to be the guys who would find it attractive). Have fun meeting new people and see what happens.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:20 AM on May 13 [8 favorites]

I don't see the second time happening anytime soon [. . .] What advice can you give me? I'm not conventionally attractive, don't dress well and I'm overweight. Should I even bother trying?

At the risk of getting piled on, it sounds like you might have some self-esteem issues that random NSA de-virginizing sex won't help. Don't worry so much about getting laid, and work on being happier with yourself first. If there are attractiveness issues you can fix, work on them, and be comfortable in your body past that. Talk to friends, sales people, etc and figure out how to dress nicer. A nice set of clothes you enjoy goes a long, long way to upping one's self-esteem, and it's not all that hard to accomplish, even on a budget. How overweight is "overweight"? Is it something genetic that can't be controlled?

You sound like you don't like yourself enough. That should be goal #1. Then getting laid.
posted by Mikey-San at 9:20 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

For all potentially awkward romantic situations, I recommend consuming a moderate amount of alcohol. Enough to lower both parties' inhibitions a bit, but not enough to interfere with performance at all (obviously).

if I do sleep with someone, will he be able to tell I'm a virgin?

Almost definitely not, as long as you sort of pretend you know what you're doing. But I also doubt it will be a big deal if you do confess to being a virgin. I've deflowered a couple of guys who were just dying to "lose it", and I didn't think any less of them for it.

Is it unfair to a man to sleep with him if I'm not planning any further contact?

Not at all, unless you've done or said something to make him believe there will be further contact. But it sounds like you'll be pretty upfront about it being a casual, one-time deal, so I doubt you need to worry. But are you totally opposed to the idea of keeping in touch afterwards, if you hit it off? The lucky guy might just be someone you'll actually want to know. If you're both at a fantasy convention in the first place, it's likely you'll have stuff in common.
posted by arianell at 9:26 AM on May 13

You sound like you don't like yourself enough. That should be goal #1. Then getting laid.


BINGO.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:26 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

I love (really love) that you used the term "pull" in its MMORPG context in reference to finding a date.

Sorry to disappoint you but, the term 'pull' in this context, pre-dates MMORPGs by many, many years. (the email address indicates the OP is in the UK)



It would be better to put your energies into how to stop obsessing over your virginity, you're just setting yourself up for a BIG disappointment. Sex is great, but losing your virginity doesn't change anything, its just like all the other things you've never done in your life - something you've yet to experience.
posted by missmagenta at 9:32 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Is it unfair to a man to sleep with him if I'm not planning any further contact?

No.

Anything you can tell me about pulling fantasy fans?

You'll have most unattached guys in this setting at hello. Do not overthink it.

I know the basic stuff about getting off with people in general, making eye contact et cetera.

Then you already have a serious advantage in this milieu.

That said, I agree with everyone else that you should maybe consider learning to like yourself a little better first and/or instead.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 9:33 AM on May 13

I guarantee you, GUARANTEE, that having sex 1) for the first time 2) with some random stranger, 3) for the sole purpose of losing your V card - will SUCK. It will not be fun, not be sexy, not be romantic, not be anything you're going to want to remember.

In fact, I'd go so far as to predict that it might be horrible, sad, uncomfortable, humiliating and leave you feeling like shit about yourself even moreso that you do now.

Why would you want to remember *that* as your first time?

Please trust us elders.
posted by tristeza at 9:33 AM on May 13 [8 favorites]

I know someone who's had lots of (sci fi) con sex. He's always made it sound like it was there for the taking, so to speak, but it wasn't necessarily stranger sex. It would be friends of friends, or someone he'd met the previous year, or whatever. I also get the impression that conventional attractiveness is not required. I don't have alot of first-hand experience with cons, and maybe this was something specific to the cons he went to or the group he ran with.
So, my feeling is that you can probably get laid at this con if you really want to.

As to whether or not you should do this, I can't really say. I can say that I've been in your shoes, and felt the need to "get it over with" as EmpressCallipygos says and I can empathize with wanting to be a not-virgin so that it just wasn't a big deal anymore. But there's something to be said for just going and having fun and practicing your shameless flirting and not worrying about anything else.
posted by cabingirl at 9:33 AM on May 13

A "friend" of mine lost her virginity to someone just to get it over with. While conventional wisdom would say that this is terrible, it seems to have worked out just fine.

What I'd be concerned about is the "pull" itself. Alcohol helps, but don't be wasted. Be flirty and fun and exciting and many men will following. Be your flirtiest, coolest version of yourself. If this is hard to do while drinking, perhaps don't drink.

If you aren't attracted to this person, physically and emotionally, don't sleep with him. Move on until you find someone who turns you on at least a bit.

He won't know you're a virgin from your hymen, but perhaps from your behavior. BUT, the first time any two people sleep together, there is some learning-of-each-others-motions etc. As a virgin, you may not have an established pattern, so to speak. Also, there are some rules about one-night-stands... like generally, if you're wasted, you'll fall asleep. If you're not too hung over or ashamed, a morning follow up is pretty standard. Also, one-night-stands often aren't terribly romantic. There will (hopefully) be some kissing involved, but don't expect too much cuddlin' and snugglin' unless the two of you REALLY hit it off earlier in the evening.

And no, there is nothing wrong with never contacting a person again after you sleep with him/her. As Arianell says, just don't pretend like you plan on meeting up later, beyond breakfast, but even that can be a little awkward.

And like TPS says, start dressing well and making a bit of an effort. People notice.
posted by k8t at 9:39 AM on May 13

I think one point most responses have missed is the idea that perhaps you feel that having sex might actually be a BOOST to your self esteem!! The biggest concern I would have is how will your self esteem hold up if you try to get laid and fail? If you really have issues now, that could crush you.

I say go for it if you think it's that important to you. True, it's not the most romantic story in the world, but is that so important?

I have no knowledge of fantasy conventions, but I've worked / attended enough trade shows and conventions to know that there is usually never a shortage of guys looking to get laid at these things ( the sad part is most of them are married guys, which might solve your concerns about them expecting anything after the fact anyway)

Good luck with whatever you decide
posted by Mr_Chips at 9:43 AM on May 13

It's not going to be worth it. Seriously. I completely understand wanting to get that particular monkey off your back so to speak, but I promise you -- you'll be disappointed. Instead, spend some quality time with you, a couple vibrators, and a jumbo pack of batteries. Get to know yourself, what you like, what works for you. You will have more fun. Trust me. Hell, you can even practice on a banana, if being decent in that department is what you're worried about.

When the time does come, you'll know all this great stuff about yourself, and no one will ever be the wiser. And the time will come, trust me. You're a female geek among geeks! Not wanting to stereotype but doing it anyway, your biggest obstacle is the fact they're generally at least as shy and insecure as you are. If this is what you want, be an outgoing version of yourself, make the first move, and just go talk to the guys. You've got absolutely nothing to lose. Hang out with them. Speak geek with them, just be one of the guys, but with boobs. You'll find someone you genuinely like hanging out with, and will be attracted to, as opposed to just any old guy. I'm not tabling about love here or anything - just a minor crush. Get drunk, be all over him. He'll get the hint. Sleep with this guy. Not some random stranger.
posted by cgg at 9:45 AM on May 13

Sticking to answering your actual question (and refraining from editorializing and hand-wringing like our elders), being a former geek myself, I noticed that in any crowd of geeks there is always at least one guy who is cute and has social skills needed to maneuver you from the convention floor to your hotel room to have sex with you. It may be wise to scope out an attractive guy at the beginning of the convention, approach him, see if you're compatible (and if he's a creep) and have a couple of drinks with him. Be careful not to get drunk. But having one or two drinks will drop your inhibitions, and his. Perhaps you can snog in a quiet corner of the bar. Then you can invite him to your room. But you have to make sure he's a nice guy, and not a creep. I'm sure a snogging session will decide that for you. But I'd have to say that setting up a snogging session with some guy will take some skill. Spending the night or whatever will take even more skill. So perhaps a snogging session, at the very least, should be considered a tactical victory on the long road to securing casual sex.

As for the hand-wringers in this thread who are worried about "self-esteem" issues, well, name me one twenty-year-old virgin who DOES NOT have self-esteem issues. And, like it or not, the OP of this thread has every right to feel horny, and has every right to pursue sex at an an anime convention or whatever.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:48 AM on May 13 [3 favorites]

Save your virginity

Oh please.

Anon is an adult who simply wishes to become sexually active. There is nothing to "save" here because virginity is little more than a cultural construct. It isn't about hymens, because hymens are typically flimsy, never form or are eroded by adulthood, so that's not a good definition. It can't be about penis in vagina intercourse, because nobody considers sexually active gay men or lesbian women to be virgins. In fact, it isn't about very much at all, except a new experience. And for a lot of people, that experience is only new by a tiny degree. (Cf frottage, in which case we're talking about the exact same action with the exact same bits, just in a vertical rather than a horizontal directions.)

Anon, go for it. If you want some, go get some, and don't let anyone you're not actually trying to fuck dissuade you. Taking charge of your own sexuality can be incredibly empowering, and I hope you come away from your experience feeling like you made a great decision for yourself.

Should I even bother trying?

Absolutely! You are not Cinderella and as with much of life, there is very little reason to sit around waiting for someone to ask you to the ball. Just go.

What advice can you give me?

Is it safe to assume that a percentage of other people at this event will be folks who are equally delighted at the prospect of doing the horizontal mambo? Maybe find a likely candidate, chat him up a bit, and ask him if he'd like to meet for drinks? Or find a spot where people are already drinking (drunk won't work and is unfair when your potential partner's judgement may be impaired). Really, you can dress it up however you like, but "fancy a shag?" has a pretty high success rate (it might be a girl thing.)

If I do sleep with someone, will he be able to tell I'm a virgin? (I don't think I've got much hymen left.)

No. Even if you happen to bleed, well, women bleed all the time. Don't worry about it.

Is it unfair to a man to sleep with him if I'm not planning any further contact?

That is a very broad question, but the scenario you're very specifically talking about is one where a large number of people are in proximate contact with one another for a very limited time -- ie, a convention. I'm pretty sure that's where the modern one night stand was born, so I wouldn't worry overmuch about that - I think parameters at Blizzcon, SXSW, etc are pretty clear.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:01 AM on May 13 [9 favorites]

The only problem with this plan is that you seem to feel that you are going to fail at it. And you shouldn't feel that way.

At the risk of sounding incredibly sexist, I will tell you this: most guys want sex, and not just to get it over with, and just about any woman could have sex any time she wanted if she was willing to take on, well, just about any guy. Al woman who lets it be known she wants no-strings-attached sex can certainly "get lucky" if she wants to.

So, the question is, do you really want to have sex? Or are you just tired of being labelled a virgin? Because, in your mind, being a virgin seems to be a negative. I'm not sure you should look at it that way. Many guys would love to be a woman's "first".

You also look at yourself as someone who isn't sexually attractive. You're probably sensible and cautious and haven't found someone that meets your standards, either, and that comes across as "I'm not available."

So, you will have to change both your mindset--"I am a sexy woman, and of course I can find a man to have sex with me"--and your attitude, by which I mean taking down any walls you may have put up to protect your self-esteem and, in doing so, distanced yourself from potential sexual partners.

Here's what to do once you've changed that mindset: if you have any friends, girl friends, have them spread the word you are looking for someone to be the first guy you sleep with, and you are hoping it happens at this convention. That's the best way to find likely partners. Also, have you made any friends within the fantasy realm--online, through gaming, etc.-- that you could ask to meet in person? You already have something in common with them, which helps. Even if you don't plan to ever see this person again, you DO want someone with whom you can feel comfortable.

And, yes, if it's just about "getting it over with," and you don't take the time to learn about each other and go slowly, your first time will not be fireworks and earth shaking. Just be aware of that, and you'll be fine.
posted by misha at 10:04 AM on May 13

Okay, so...I did kind of what you're planning, when I lost the v-card. (I was at a pagan festival and desperate to lose it, and hooked up with the ex-lover of a soon-to-be-lover, if that's bonkers enough for you.)

Here's the big thing: It's so not a big deal, the whole virgin/non-virgin thing. Unfortunately, you only really believe this after you've lost your virginity. Which I think was why I was kind of desperate to lose it -- I wanted to get over that mental hump of 'my pussy, untouched by man, and omfg I'm 21 clearly I will die a virgin'. I suppose I had about average self-esteem; pagan festivals tend to get young, pretty things a lot of attention, and I was definitely very young, and rather pretty if I do say so, looking back at photos. You probably are too.

So, if you have your heart set on it...well, it's not the worst thing that'll ever happen to your psychosexual development, I think, but it's not the best, either. I'm glad I got it over with, but neither of us particularly enjoyed it. (Oh, and fuck the hymen -- he'll be able to tell you're a virgin because you'll have *no idea* what the hell to actually do, and you'll be nervous and unsure and about a million other reasons. I don't care how much porn you've read/watched/etc.) If I had to do it over again, I would have found someone who was okay with the deflowering thing, instead of springing it on him mid-act, but I don't know if I would have waited for a relationship -- so, you know, quick and dirty isn't the worst in the world. I haven't had many relationships since then, but I think it's more because I'm unbelievably picky, than anything to do with the first guy I slept with. (Who was really good people, I should state for the record.)

Things to keep in mind:

It's gonna suck. Even if you're doinking Casanova himself, it's gonna suck. You are, if you'll forgive my bluntness, clearly dissatisfied with your body and your looks, and that's going to come across. Also, how much respect are you going to have for a dude who digs a body that you hate? You really want to lost your virginity to someone like that?

Your legs are really going to hurt the next day.

Have ONE drink. Being tense is no fun for either of you. But do not GET drunk.

Be careful. If you can hook up with a friend, or a friend of a friend, there's still a chance for bad shit to go down, but it's lessened. Maybe this is not the right place, just now, if you can't find someone who you know is safe, good, giving, all those things you want even in a one-night-stand.

Communicate. Make sure he knows this is a one-time thing, and goes no further. Talk before, during, after, find out what will make this pleasurable. And make sure you both know what you want out of the night.

And when you're done with all that, get to work on loving yourself. That's what'll bring the boys around, not a hot body or conventional prettiness. I mean, of course, those do *too*, but you'd be surprised at what self-confidence does. Everyone says it, I know, but swear to God and my outspoken, big-assed, shaven-headed, angry, independent self, it works.

(Re-reading, sorry this is kind of disjointed and steam-of-consciousness, but I hope it helped, from someone who did similar to what you're planning.)
posted by kalimac at 10:05 AM on May 13 [4 favorites]

Sticking to answering your actual question (and refraining from editorializing and hand-wringing like our elders)

She asked, and I quote:

Should I even bother trying?

This opens the door wide for "maybe not, and here's why".
posted by Mikey-San at 10:08 AM on May 13

Don't get completely wasted first night and get off with someone grim in a really public way. This will reduce your chances with better males later in the convention. In fact, if you're British, alcohol is probably your number one issue: too little, and you'll be too inhibited to make conversation, too much and you'll end up covered in vomit. Try pacing off someone else you know, or decide in advance your limit, or alternate booze and soft drinks.

With the proviso that I'm male: wear a low-cut top, and get a really good bra that fits you properly. Even if you dress badly this will help. I believe department stores do fittings for you now - try Debenhams, or Google "how to get a well-fitting bra." Nothing wrong with Wonderbras/padded numbers, especially if you're overweight. (Sorry, this comes off as really obvious stuff - but you wrote "badly dressed" so I guess you want some suggestions? Apologies for any offence.)

Finally, the guys that poke you and make you jump - they fancy you. They're just too inept to actually chat you up.
posted by alasdair at 10:23 AM on May 13

The day of the Attack On America, IO9's Analee Newitz published her report from DragonCon, "Sex With Storm Troopers," the authoritative work on this very subject.
posted by johngoren at 10:28 AM on May 13

Just don't do it with someone you're not that into. That's the most regrettable, and guilty thing, in my experience. Flirt wildly, and IF someone gets your motor revving, proceed full throttle.

Advice to love yourself before you pursue losing your virginity is, well, thoughtful, but being self-actualized enough to get what you want, or at least what you think you want, is also good for your self esteem. You can do anything you put your mind to, even if you don't like yourself very much. It's a little backward, but you can be proud of your courage and attractiveness, and get them to bear fruit! No, it's not the very healthiest life strategy, but waiting for your emotional affiars to be in A+ condition in order to live your crazy life and learn its crazy lessons sounds tragically boring and lonesometo me. Life's a messy adventure. Don't be desperate; be avidly looking, and don't let anybody take advantage of you or get something from you that you don't want to give away. Be clean, prepared, and honest. You just may find someone better than a one night stand. Never aim too low.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:29 AM on May 13 [5 favorites]

I guarantee you, GUARANTEE, that having sex 1) for the first time 2) with some random stranger, 3) for the sole purpose of losing your V card - will SUCK. It will not be fun, not be sexy, not be romantic, not be anything you're going to want to remember.

I couldn't disagree more. I've been on both sides of that particular event, and it has ranged from so-so to pretty darn nice. And even so-so, ranging to kind of bleh, sex means that you get to have that huge grin in the dark and yell "I am not a virgin anymore!" to yourself afterward.

Sure, covered in rose petals and on the seashore at Brad Pitt's personal estate is probably a lot more romantic, but how many of us had that kind of experience? Confused fumblings in the back of a car, or a college dorm room, or someone's hotel room are probably a lot more common.

I'm not conventionally attractive, don't dress well and I'm overweight. Should I even bother trying?

Judging from photos I've seen, a lot of people at fantasy conventions are overweight and not conventionally attractive -- meaning that they don't look like Keanu Reeves or Jessica Alba; really, they look normal, just as flawed as the rest of us. And if you go to the mall or the grocery store, you will see lots of non-movie star people, carrying plenty of chub, with partners. So all hope is not lost.

The part you should do something about now (not later, not eventually, not someday after things are perfect) is the clothes/makeup/hair/etc part -- that, you have total control over, and can change in less time than it takes to read a newspaper. There are all kinds of guides (on TV, online, in books) for how to find clothes, etc, that are flattering to your body and personality; if you have a really fabulous gay boyfriend, this is the time to make him earn his keep. All you need, right now, are two or so outfits, and a good haircut. Worry about solving long term issues later; you are just trying to get looking good for the two days of the convention. No need to spend lots of money -- in the US, I'd probably start at a mass retailer like Target; in the UK, is Marks and Spencer still a decent option? You don't want a lot of flash, just some basics that flatter your shape. If your underthings aren't new and flattering, get those, too, when you go shopping.

Similarly, make sure you smell good, your nails aren't jagged claws, etc -- just the usual basic stuff that people generally take care of. Don't primp to within an inch of your life, just look put-together and tidy and emphasize the parts you want to emphasize.

if I do sleep with someone, will he be able to tell I'm a virgin?

Possibly. Probably not because he will feel your hymen; probably more because you will be awkward and nervous and will wince at a funny moment or something. But then maybe you are a good actor and he will be none the wiser. For a lot of guys the whole "deflowering" thing is a big turn-on, so it's probably not a disaster if he figures it out.

I think that all the previous suggestions of have a couple drinks are probably good, although that doesn't really apply if you are trying to chat up the cute guy at a mid-morning session. Buy and put a couple of condoms in your purse, because there is zero guarantee that a randomly-selected guy will have them handy.

Anything you can tell me about pulling fantasy fans?

According to a study linked somewhere in this MeFi thread, men statistically respond well to quite direct advances. I'm not 100% convinced that it is as simple as that in real life, but if you are trying to get action and you are on a short timeline, then why not try more direct approaches (rather than the long, involved, flirty approaches that people often use). Fantasy convention guys (at the risk of stereotyping) may be less sophisticated at reading the subtle cues of male/female interactions than some other people are, so you need to be ready to take their hand and reassure them that indeed, you are interested in more than their Star Wars figurines, and would in fact like to come up to their room to discuss some French etchings.
posted by Forktine at 10:47 AM on May 13

Anon may want to investigate this site.
posted by WCityMike at 10:51 AM on May 13

You're a girl offering herself up to random nerd boys. If sex is all you're looking for, you'll get it, trust me. Some advice from a friend of mine who's done this sort of thing before: depending on the con, group sex could be hard to avoid. Get tipsy, but don't get so drunk that you randomly end up in bed with n > 1 people, if that's not what you're into. Apparently that makes for a very awkward morning.

If you've got self-esteem/self-image issues to begin with, there's a chance that some NSA naked fun -- even regardless of you being a virgin (I'd say this even if the OP had fucked an entire PAX delegation) -- will make that worse.

I hope I'm not projecting here, but I suspect that what you want is someone who likes you properly, rather than someone who's simply willing to have NSA sex with you. As misha pointed out upthread, the latter isn't actually difficult for any woman to find. If you have considerable worries about your ability to snag the former (which you perhaps implied when you said that you "don't see the second time happening anytime soon"), then, yeah, your plan might not be a good idea for your emotional health. On the other hand, losing your virginity ASAP might make you less anxious about dating in the future. You know yourself better than any other MeFite does, so act accordingly.
posted by thisjax at 10:58 AM on May 13

I agree with kalimac's entire post, especially this: "Here's the big thing: It's so not a big deal, the whole virgin/non-virgin thing. Unfortunately, you only really believe this after you've lost your virginity" and that you are probably nowhere near as unattractive as you think you are.

And what Ambrosia Voyeur said about flirting, then going for it if you find someone attractive. Contrary to what a lot of people said, I think you should go for it -- get it over with. You'll feel like you're in the club and it won't be such a big deal when you meet someone who likes you. Find someone you think is hot so you'll enjoy fantasizing about it later! (Just insist on a condom, though.)

Have a good time; try to enjoy yourself at the convention in general.
posted by theredpen at 10:58 AM on May 13

Start dressing well already! You are in control of how you dress, so choose more flattering things over less flattering things. You don't have to buy expensive clothes, but things should fit you properly, and colors should be the ones that look best on you. Put some effort into the rest of your grooming too, nails should be clean, hair done in a flattering way, a little makeup perhaps. Showing off your cleavage will probably be a good look for you at the convention.

Google for some of the recent interviews with Leonard Nimoy about his recent photography book, for some perspective on liking your body. This might also be a good topic of conversation with guys at the convention.

You don't have the best reasons for wanting to have casual sex, but they are your reasons. Plenty of people have worse ones. Maybe you will feel great about yourself if you do this (I hope you do!), or you might regret it later. Many people who have lost their virginity have some regrets over how it happened, so you would hardly be alone in that boat. You want to go out and experience life, do it!

I don't know anything about fantasy cons, but perhaps some lines you could use would be "Have you seen Leonard Nimoy's new book of nude photographs?" or "I like to try new experiences, what about you, are you open to a new experience?". I'm no good at "the approach" though.
posted by yohko at 11:02 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Oh, and practice putting condoms on cucumbers. Not so you won't seem inexperienced, so you can help him put it on, which will help a lot with getting him to wear one.
posted by yohko at 11:07 AM on May 13

the only reason i'm going to say "don't do it" is not because of any kind of sense of perceived sense of morality, but because a very close relative of mine did exactly this. she was much older than you (26 or 27), had sexual experience with men, just not all the way. she was at a wedding and decided to get it over with. this was an independent career woman with reasonable self-esteem.

and it just devastated her. she didn't expect that to happen, at all.

i don't know what your support system is, but if you don't have one, i would hold off on this for a bit. maybe you want to do some reading in what's called the 'fatosphere', the movement that's called 'health at any size' (HAES), which might help with how you think about yourself and at least where you can buy smart clothes! try shapely prose for a start. There's also an 'ask aunt fattie' column that you can write into anonymously and mmight give you a little different perspective.
posted by micawber at 11:09 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Let me first apologize - I haven't read the entire thread before posting. I'm reading/posting from my cell phone, which is awkward at best.

That said, being a co-founder of a furry convention, let me share with you the answer I give to everyone I see asking this question:

1) Don't do it. Not for any moral reasons, mind you. But consider: if the person you hook up with is willing to have sex with you as a perfect stranger, they're also willing to have sex with other strangers. In fact, they probably already have, maybe even that same day.[*] Were they practicing safe sex every time? You'll never know. Not until the itching and sores show up.

2) If you're going to do it anyway, you need to at least use a condom, and you'd do well to use other birth control on top of that. And no matter how careful you think you were, and how honest you think they were, get an STD test within 3-6 months after, even if no outward symptoms have shown up.

[*] I've been that guy - minus the itching and sores, thankfully - so trust me, I know.
posted by CrayDrygu at 11:14 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

In my experience all a (heterosexual) woman ever needs to do to get laid is:

(#1) go to a social event with a reasonable number of males.

(#2) make clear the fact they are sexually receptive and intend to sleep with *someone* today (you don't have to be 100% direct and explicit with this, body language/naughty jokes/whatever are usually perfectly good vectors to carry this information).

(#3) make it clear they are serious about '#2' and not just hollow flirting / enjoying the attention with no intent to follow through with it.

(#4) make it clear your partner wont be punished/indentured for having sex with you.

From what I've witnessed in life following those four steps has an absolute 100% success rate, regardless of the woman's physical appearance/inexperience/whatever.
posted by Jezztek at 11:49 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

I think low self-esteem + willingness to sleep with a stranger is a good recipe for being clingy afterwards. Even if you swear up and down that you won't have any feelings for the guy, sex can do some weird stuff to your brain. It unleashes hormones that can make you think you want to spend more time with this complete stranger you just boinked. People are saying the sex will suck, but what if it doesn't? That's almost a worse problem, because if it's good, you'll want to see the guy again, but he may not want to see you. You're really setting yourself up for future rejection.
posted by desjardins at 12:27 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't do it, solely because of the STD issues. Condoms won't fully protect you from herpes or HPV, which are the STDs you can never get rid of. Condoms help, but it is not 100%. They're also no help against crabs.

As for the psychological/emotional issues, I don't believe virginity is like some hallowed temple that can only be breached by the power of Twu Wuv. However, I can't imagine how disheartening and disappointing the experience would be if you had it with a guy who couldn't give less of a crap about making you happy because you're a complete stranger. Some dude who doesn't listen when you ask him to go slow because it's hurting, who has no idea how to go down on you and get you wet, who can't kiss, who can't engage in foreplay, and who basically has no other interest in you except as a wet hole. That is where casual sex would suck. If you can find a complete stranger who is interested in making you happy, then go for it. But there's a good chance that the man you pick up isn't going to be that great of a lover, whether it's because he doesn't care or because he simply hasn't had enough decent sex experiences (and you're going to be surrounded by nerds, so I would bet there's an even higher chance of the latter than the general population).

You want to do this because it's causing you anxiety because you have no experience. But I tell you, as someone who didn't lose her virginity until she was 21, no experience is better than bad experience. Can you find a good male friend who can guide you through your first time? Assure him the sex will be completely no strings attached, and you won't be treating it as a precursor to the relationship.

If, however, you go through with the plan, alcohol will make things a little easier. But as another poster said, have only one drink--you want to be a bit loosened up, but you want to be able to snap into complete control of the situation if something goes wrong.

Finally--yes, anyone who has had sex will be able to tell because you won't know what you're doing. Inform him of what's going on up front.
posted by schroedinger at 12:31 PM on May 13

Use a condom.
posted by fixedgear at 1:50 PM on May 13

Some dude who doesn't listen when you ask him to go slow because it's hurting, who has no idea how to go down on you and get you wet, who can't kiss, who can't engage in foreplay, and who basically has no other interest in you except as a wet hole.

You haven't said you're looking for orgasm or affection, just penetrative sex. Generally speaking, it's a dick move to use people as means to an end if it isn't explicitly consensual and mutual. So, if you're just looking for a hard dick, there's nothing so horrifying about being treated as "a wet hole." There's a generally surefire way around that: talking first. I doubt it's going to be so difficult to find someone who understands that, barring breaking the law, you are in control of what he does with your body. You could very well find someone who'll wave their arm in the air and sign right up if you ask for total submission to your virgin desires right up front.

I don't follow the school of thought that all guys who like casual sex and are nerds are entirely selfish, brutish assholes. I think most will try to please if they know how, but they will not read your mind. Don't be afraid of them as well as insecure. Be careful and confident.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:03 PM on May 13

Ambrosia Voyeur and DarlingBri have it.

And I highly doubt that the guys who are telling you how it feels for a woman to lose her virginity are really relevant. Many of us were psyched to get it over with and move on.

Oh yeah, safety/convenience: do it in his room. If he starts to seem like a jerk, or gives you the creeps, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS and leave ASAP. If he argues, say you'll be right back or you just got your period or whatever. Do whatever it takes and get out. Doesn't matter how undressed he/you are.

On that note, wear something it's easy to put on/take off. Don't wear tights or hose, they're a casual sex nightmare.

Trim down there if it makes you feel comfier but don't shave or wax unless you're used to doing so.

Let someone know where you are, if you have a platonic friend introduce them to the guy so they will know who to look for.

CONDOMS, bring one with you.

Good luck, have fun!
posted by sondrialiac at 2:14 PM on May 13

What advice can you give me?

Have a good attitude about it. Go into with the idea that you're gonna have some fun.

Be selective. Don't pick up just anyone.

Bring condoms. Bring several.

Shower.

Let a friend know what you're doing, preferably a friend at the con. Introduce your friend to guy, so that everyone knows everyone and so that everyone KNOWS they're known by everyone.

Let the guy know you're just looking to get laid and thats it. No need to go into all the details with him.

Have fun.

Try to do it more than once over the course of the weekend. Sometimes the first time isn't that good.

If it is bad, then don't take it as gospel that all sex is bad. It can take a while to find what you like.

****************

That said, bear in mind that doing this may (MAY) wind up making yourself feel worse. I don't know you, and people react differently to situations, but you sound as though you have low self esteem. If so, doing this might make that worse.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:56 PM on May 13

The fact that you mention it's an "awful" and "stupid" idea, however jokingly you use those words, is enough to make me think you shouldn't do it.

Also, what if you can't find anyone there? It happens, no matter how conventionally attractive you are or how aggressive your game is. If you're dead set on getting your first time over with, that's ultimately your call, but setting a deadline or deciding you will get laid at X event will lead the way to disappointment if it doesn't happen, or else might lead to some unwise decisions (e.g. "this guy smells like mildew and calls me 'wench,' but the convention's wrapping up and no one else is biting").
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:16 PM on May 13

Sex can hurt a great deal for a woman if the man does not care about making sure you are ready, and there is a good chance that anyone looking for a casual sexual encounter might not necessarily care what the other person feels. Please be careful.
posted by jb at 3:22 PM on May 13

I think you won't really be happy about this. It's okay to be a virgin, it's okay to be a virgin at 25 or 35. It's nicer to be confident and like yourself. Sex is more fun when you feel confident in your body, and when you value yourself enough to expect your partner to be great to you. And it's fun to learn about sex, and get good at it, with someone you like.

But, to answer your question, go out and buy (at least) 1 great outfit, and make sure it shows off your best physical attribute. Breasts? go low cut, legs, go mini, etc. Guys will notice. Get a makeup makeover, but don't buy $100 of department store makeup. (Seriously, they'll sell you foundation, moisturizer, eye cream, spackle, eyeliner, lip liner, browliner, etc.) Go to CVS or walgreens and get the basics. Don't go overboard. Wear some perfume. Be very well groomed.

I suck at flirting; I get all awkward. So I asked.metafilter.

But, really, work on releasing the attractive, interesting person inside you, and being liked, and loved, as you deserve.
posted by theora55 at 3:26 PM on May 13

I am starting to feel like this has become the casual sex downer thread. While I'm sure casual sex with awful people can indeed be awful, several comments in this thread are reading as rather moralistic: you'll be miserable, it will suck, it will hurt and you'll get an STD, all because it's casual sex.

So in the interests of fair and balanced reporting:

The worst casual sex I ever had was merely meh. The best casual sex I ever had was freakin' mind blowing. I had loads of very nice casual sex that rated in between. I regret none of it. It never hurt. I never got an STD. Nobody was ever awful to me. Everbody was very nice.

Which, frankly, is the absolute minimum criteria for anyone you spend time with, let alone take your clothes off for: they should be nice people.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:35 PM on May 13 [4 favorites]

DarlingBri - I don't think people are necessarily anti-casual sex. God knows I was a wild one back when I was single - and I didn't lose my virginity until my early 20s. What I'm saying is that casual sex, when you're insecure to begin with, and it's your first time, has a good potential of being anywhere from "meh" to emotionally traumatic. So why bother? It's just sex. Why not wait until you find someone who's genuinely attracted to you and isn't desperate - even if it's not the love of your life. Then have your wild days, when you have the confidence to handle it. not that I was a shining example of this, but I'm trying to pass on my hard-learned lessons here
posted by desjardins at 6:30 PM on May 13 [2 favorites]

I want to give a strong second to what DarlingBri says. I'm not exactly the world's biggest fan of casual sex -- I think it is the intimacy version of diet cola, providing no substance and leaving a bad taste in your mouth. I am pretty sure that I will never again in my life have a one night stand. Been there, done that, no interest in repeating.

But no matter how shallow casual sex can be -- and it can be stunningly shallow -- it is still fun, and a really nice affirmation when you have a bruised sense of self. Certainly by having sex you have some measurable chance of catching an STD -- but people in committed relationships catch STDs, too. The guy may be a jerk... but then plenty of "life partners" turn out to be not so great, too. Having casual sex is not a guarantee of making you miserable, unhappy, or diseased. It might increase your chance of those things... but it also increases your chance of walking around the next day with the "I had 18 orgasms last night!" glow, and having some funny stories to tell people years later, and learning just how funny people can be.

Having sex isn't mandatory, and you shouldn't be feeling outside pressure to "get it over with." But in this day and age, you should feel comfortable and confident to take your pleasure where you want it, and damn the critics. Be minimally smart about the whole thing (like, use protection, run away if he offers to show you his collection of dead pets, etc), and you will be fine.
posted by Forktine at 6:31 PM on May 13

DarlingBrl, I don't think it's necessarily the "casual sex" downer thread. I think it's tending to be a downer more because it's going to be her first time.

I gave my virginity to a man I loved and it involved hours of foreplay, he went really slow, and it still hurt like F*CK. Hurt the next several times, too. It just takes a while to get loosened up... especially when you're nervous.

Things I'm glad I had:
A pretty bra & matching panties
Birth control
A washcloth handy for easy cleanup

Things I wish I had had:
LUBE <>be aware that oil-based lubes are NOT for use with latex condoms.
posted by GardenGal at 9:24 PM on May 13

I didn't say that nerds were nasty brutes--I said that a stranger is less likely to care about your needs and whether you're in pain, and a nerd is less likely to know what they're doing because they are more likely to be inexperienced.

Anonymous, you make be OK with being a wet hole, but do you want to be a happy wet hole, or a wet hole in pain? As GardenGal said, losing one's virginity can hurt--not always, but for many women there is some discomfort, even if you don't have much hymen. So it is always nice to have a partner who is keeping this in mind and giving even a little bit of a shit about how you're doing.

Another suggestion: if you are dead-set on this being with a stranger, or feel you have no other options, why not try the casual encounters section of Craigslist. If you post something like "I am a college-aged girl looking for a STD-free man to take my virginity" I guarantee you will generate plenty of interest. You can ask people to include photos of themselves and at least be able to screen them based on appearance and their written response. Sure, you'll have no guarantee they won't have STDs--but you won't at the fantasy convention, either.

And hey, if you get that done before the convention, maybe you can relax at the convention enough to flirt it up with a nice nerd-boy without the added "I'M A VIRGIN" pressure.
posted by schroedinger at 11:49 AM on May 14

At the risk of pile-on, I want to offer my opinion as a rather portly (think US size 24) dork who first had sex at the age of 22.

I believe in having sex for love or lust or even just curiosity, but I don't imagine an experience with a stranger will be any of these things. I extra-suspect this because you seem to be down on yourself because of your weight. If you're having sex to prove that someone would do you or because you think your virginity is shameful, I'd urge you to wait.

I'm actually dating two people now (yes, really) and have learned the last couple years how many wonderful, attractive people are interested in women of size. You will probably have a better experience if you meet someone like this and get to know them a bit first. Feel free to message if you have questions or further thoughts to share on this---big girls getting it on is a topic I care very much about!
posted by lacedback at 12:46 PM on May 14