How can I tell if he's different from the rest?

May 9, 2008 8:57 AM

I'm living overseas and am interested in dating a guy that I've met here. The problem is that he lives in a community where the men have a reputation for loving and leaving foreign women - how do I know if he's different from the rest?

I've known this guy for a year, and connected to him from the beginning. Nothing has happened between us until recently, mostly because I kept him at a distance because I was caught up in the end of another messy relationship, and didn't want to hurt him by making him the rebound guy. He's waited patiently, and I'm now ready to give it a try.

But the guys in this community have a horrible reputation for using foreign women, cheating on them, and casting them aside. My gut instinct is that he isn't like that - he wasn't born there and is only planning on living there for one or two more years. But I don't want to naively believe that he's different than everyone else. He's been nothing but patient, kind and caring but part of me thinks that I'm being stupid to even try, given the stories you hear about the men in this very touristy town. The other part of me thinks its unfair to reject him based solely on the reputation of the community he lives in.

I've been warned by countless people in this countryone will be different? How do I trust him? Should I trust him? Please help me figure this out! I really like him, but I don't want to get taken advantage of.

posted by scrute to human relations (17 comments total)

If you've known him for a year, you should know him well enough to go beyond the racial stereotype. If you aren't completely sure then go on a few dates with your eyes open.
posted by JJ86 at 9:05 AM on May 9, 2008

There was a question a few years ago about a girl falling in love with a guy in U.A.E. I recall. Anyone remember what the deal was with that? Link?

Maybe be a little cautious, but really, is the potential good relationship you could have with him worth the risk that he is like that? It seems like much better odds that he is a good guy than a bad guy.

The way that you worded your question, it makes me think that you have other apprehensions about him and that you're looking for this as an excuse.
posted by k8t at 9:13 AM on May 9, 2008

Where are you? WHere was he before being there? Where does he want to go in a year or two? I think it'd be easier to try to give insight if you gave those details.
posted by Penelope at 9:29 AM on May 9, 2008

If you lived in the US (or wherever "back home" is), you could start dating someone who would love you and leave you. In fact, you would probably hear a lot of stories about how all men cheat, all men are horndogs, men can't be trusted, etc. You might think that it's stupid to try dating, based on all the stories you hear about men.

Judge him by his own merits, not by the reputation of where he lives.
posted by yohko at 9:33 AM on May 9, 2008

You can't tell.

Maybe you could ask him for references.
posted by sondrialiac at 9:45 AM on May 9, 2008

k8t: Do you mean this question? Maybe not, because it was posted earlier this year and the country was Oman. But in any event, the situation there was different -- the poster's beloved manifestly affirmed the values of the local culture, which precluded their marriage.
posted by Cucurbit at 9:51 AM on May 9, 2008

Maybe you could ask him for references.

Exactly. What are his friends like?
posted by fatllama at 10:00 AM on May 9, 2008

Maybe you could ask him for references.

Exactly. What are his friends like?

And what have his previous relationships been like. You've known him for over a year so you should have some idea of his past.
posted by mmascolino at 10:08 AM on May 9, 2008

Judging a person strictly by where they live is kind of like judging someone by their relatives. They may have a relative that's a convicted felon who is in prison but they them self could be a great person of excellent character.

I agree that observing who he has chosen as friends can clue you in on what kind of person he is. Also pay attention to how he treats others...from you to perfect strangers. If he's really sweet to you but a total asshole to the waitress/waiter for no apparent reason, that will tell you a lot.
posted by GlowWyrm at 10:17 AM on May 9, 2008

You could just not sleep with him (for a long time). Men in it for sex sense a losing investment well.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 10:34 AM on May 9, 2008

There are never any guarantees. You could date someone in your home country who would use you then lose you, and you could date someone in a foreign country who would be a great boyfriend.

A word of warning, though. This goes for everyone, everywhere, but especially to those living in countries with high HIV rates- use barrier protection! Always!
posted by emd3737 at 10:45 AM on May 9, 2008

It certainly isn't the only thing to look at, but I don't think its unreasonable to assume that where a person lives - and the culture in which he or she was raised - influences their attitude toward relationships with the opposite sex. If 4 out of 5 relationships between local men and foreign women in this community turn out to be exploitative, that's a data point you should not ignore. And if in addition to that you have doubts that are so serious that you're asking yourself these kinds of questions, then it seems foolhardy to ignore them.

And IANAShrink, but in addition to considering his past relationships and the environment that shaped them, you might also consider your own emotional history for a tendency to get into relationships which start out benign but leave you feeling exploited.
posted by RandlePatrickMcMurphy at 10:45 AM on May 9, 2008

I agree with a robot made out of meat. (Uh, that's weird to type.) Consider not having sex with him. Sure, it'll be a little weird to regress to something like a teenage relationship, but it will certainly keep him from using you then moving on to the next one.
posted by desuetude at 10:58 AM on May 9, 2008

Take it slow. He's known you for a year and waited patiently, which suggests he's a decent guy, but there's no reason to rush things anyway. Don't feel like you have to sleep with him because he's waited.

When you do go out with him, let him know that you have some fears and that respect is important to you.

That's honestly all you can do, because no relationship comes with guarantees.
posted by misha at 2:36 PM on May 9, 2008

I always find these questions to be pretty unanswerable - where are you? That's the single most relevant question here (from my perspective, at least) and need not be answered so directly as to blow your cover. Without that info, there's not much one can say, except to trust your gut feeling.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 2:40 PM on May 9, 2008

I don't know his friends very well because I live in a different city, but visit his town frequently for work. I do know that he does treat others well though.

The country in question is Egypt, and no, he is not looking for a ticket out. He is Egyptian, and grew up in a town other than the one he's living in. In fact he's quite attached to his family, and determined to stay in Egypt (which is my other concern about entering into something long term - I haven't figured out if I want to stay here permanently).
posted by scrute at 3:24 AM on May 10, 2008

Don't generalize based on people's nationalities or places of residence.

I've known dated men who shouldn't be allowed to mingle among society, who are from several different countries, and people from the same countries who are wonderful human beings that have shown me nothing but respect.
posted by bondgirl53001 at 3:37 PM on May 12, 2008