"Should I tell her I love her?"

May 8, 2008 9:38 PM

Relationship-Filter Should I tell her I am still in love with her? I am currently a 24 year old male who broke up with his girlfriend of 2 and half years almost three months ago (we broke up on February 16th to be exact). To make a story short, I realize that i want her and still love her and would like to work things out with her but i am not sure whether i should tell her for a variety of reasons....here are the details

e started dating when she was 21 and I was 19 she informed me she had a care-few that while I thought was weird at first I went along with it because she was younger than me....soon enough I found out that the reason why she had a care-few was because she is jewish and in reality she wasn't allowed to date someone who is not (I am hispanic)...basically every-time she met with me she was lying to her parents and told them that she was with someone else....I did not find out about this until coincidentally I asked her to see Fiddler on the Roof, a show on broadway regarding jewish people....and she admitted that she was Jewish as well.......

I was a little taken aback at first but I had already fell in love in with her so I tried my best to make it work, thinking that the relationship would grow as she would grow and in a couple of years she wouldn't be in a care-few...the relationship grew..to the point where little by little she became the woman of my dreams, I feel deeply in love with her, cherished her like no other....our personalities match, and our looks were congruent which is a great plus as she is very very attractive.....however as much as we grew in our relationship her development outside of us was stagnant...

she did not do well in school (which worried me cause she had a carefew that only allowed me to see her once a week), her graduation date was inexistent and even though she just turned 21 she was still in the same situation from when we first met.......I loove her...I really do so I tried coping with this but as the relationship grew, both me and her demanded more of each other.....she wanted to talk to me all the time...but i didnt have time...I had graduated from college the year i met her and i was rising my way through corporate ranks....this was only one of many problems....our sex life was so-so....i mean it was better than normal but at times i felt it was too "vanilla" for me.....I mentioned this a couple of times and she was willing to work on the issues but we never got quite there....

I in the other hand graduated from an ivy league school......have a great job somewhere in manhattan and felt as if we were from different worlds.....but when we were together....when we were together i always felt as if I was in some kind of dreamy movie....we would stare at each other for hours...talk about our future (together...however unlikely it was) and when we would kiss...it really felt like a kiss (and this went on until the very end)....it was a 2 year honeymoon basically as whenever we were together (once a week) nothing went wrong......however......

towards the end of these two years..I noticed that we were in the same situation, her parents would never accept me (and she never tried to convince them) which in a way is helpful (though I know i shouldnt take it personal) she still had a carefew (with no end in sight she is not doing good in school and who knows when she would ever move out) and the same was good but just as regular as from we were first started doing it...little by little i started acting different with her we started having arguments around her situation, the sex, whatever, it is actually more complicated than this but to make a story short, towards the end of my relationship i found myself flirting with people over the internet...I never had the intention of meeting them but it was quite obvious that they wanted to meet me....I did not stop them so i felt guilty about the fact that i didnt stop them.....and though we never talk about meeting up...sex...or whatever i felt guilty i entertained conversations with people

My ex somehow "felt" what was going on with me and approached me...after several denials i admitted that i had been flirting with this people and that even though i didnt cheat...it felt wrong to do it...she wanted to work things out but i felt I was at a point of no return...i figured if i am talking to this people there must be a reason for it...and i guess you and i are not meant to be anymore......i also mentioned that her care-few was driving me nuts (something she knew and we had been fighting about) and i wasnt sure i could handle it anymore....so we came to decision that the only way to solve our issues was for her to move in with me...however.....

At the time i had just moved in to my apartment (i had roomates before) I had been living alone for like 2 weeks when we had this argument....I said no to the idea of moving in with her because:

*I had never spent 24 hours straight with her and didnt see myself making such a big jump.
*I was concerned about the response of her family (she would lose them forever)
*I was concerned that that if things didnt work out she would have no family to go back 2.
*I thought that moving in should be done as a sign that the relationship was getting stronger...not as a mean to save it......
*Of course the sex stuff was in my mind.
*and finally i dont know how she would fit into my life..........

However in the time since I realized the following:
*If I love her.....If I am in love with her? why not? Why not make the jump? (surprisingly this didnt click before as i was soo consumed on doing things the right way)
*It is her choice on what to do about her family...not mine....
*The sex stuff can be worked out (though i guess we would need some sort of therapy)
* I see how she fits into my life: As in I AM NOW READY to commit...see before i had never thought about the idea that somebody would come into my house and live with me....now i see that i could spend the rest of my life with this woman...and i dont want to let it go...........

so now i decided to get back with her....this is where the problems come in:
*We've talked a total number of three times since the break-up once on her bday, second time on my bday and last time 2 weeks ago....we are just not in touch anymore and i am not sure whether she is thinking about me....
*To make matters worse on our third conversation she told me that she was dating a jewish guy whom now her family accepts and she can go out at whatever time with (this hurt)......I am not sure i am one to interfere........In order to make sure that I' am not reacting to the news she has a bf or a potential bf i decided to wait a couple of weeks before i tell her anything.....
*I am not sure whether she'll take me back, she cried and was deeply hurt and did her best to get back with me multiple times the days following the break-up....I refused......

In hind-sight (which is always 20-20) i think i made the right decision at the time, I just wasnt ready to commit I had serious doubts about how the relationship would work...since we broke up I have done some serious soul-searching, I saw a therapist (to work on other emotional issues relating to communicating with other people including my partner) and I have seen a definite growth in the person i am....I never thought i would say this...but i am ready to be with her.....I am a fairly good looking guy and since the break-up have no problems meeting other people....I just want those people to be her...so help me out here....should i tell her despite all the set-backs that i presented here?

posted by The1andonly to human relations (25 comments total)

You're young. Move on.
posted by greta simone at 9:45 PM on May 8, 2008

Looking back at some of the comments you've made in the last week, like this one, I think you need to be single for a good while. You're young and you've been in relationships since you were 16. How do you even know who you are and what you want? Focus on yourself for a while and let this girl do what she needs to do for herself.
posted by loiseau at 9:55 PM on May 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yes, you should tell her, because these feelings seem very important to you. But recognize that your feelings and your recent development do not mean the relationship will be more successful, or that she will even be interested.

Don't move in with her, though. That's a step way down the line.
posted by chudmonkey at 9:57 PM on May 8, 2008

In my judgment, having taken into due consideration all that you've said here - no, you should not tell her.
posted by chinston at 10:05 PM on May 8, 2008

it's spelled curfew, by the way.
posted by delmoi at 10:05 PM on May 8, 2008

it's spelled curfew, by the way. Thank You Delmoid.....
posted by The1andonly at 10:09 PM on May 8, 2008 [8 favorites]

If you've already broken up with someone *and* you're pondering having to go to therapy about your incompatibilities if you get back together-- and getting back together is still an option to you?

You probably don't need any of that action, in the domestic, sexual, or romantic senses of the word. Find someone you're compatible with, when you're ready, and see how that goes before you commit to a long, potentially dramatic struggle of a live-in situation.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:09 PM on May 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

You should tell her because it's important to the both of you but open up to her as well and share with her your fears (i.e. the variety of reasons that made you not want to tell her and your worries about the future, family, etc)

Also take note from the other posters that you are young and there's a long road ahead for the both of you, both in personal lives (career, personal devt, etc) and in relationship (maturing, deciding what you want from each other for the long haul - not just boy-girl relationship to have fun).

If you both decide to make it work, then do so. If not, the both of you are sufficiently young to get over it and move on.
posted by prudie at 10:13 PM on May 8, 2008

Alex, imagine a perfect relationship. You are always intensely happy with your partner because they are the perfect one for you. How would you describe your life with this person? Well, the way you relate with this person is as you would relate with a dog. A dog is a dog. No matter what you do, it is a dog. You can't change a dog to a cat, or to a goat, it is what it is.

Accepting this fact in relations with other people is important. You can't change other people. You love them the way they are, or you don't. You accept them the way they are, or you don't. Trying to change them to fit what you want is like changing that dog for a cat or a goat. They are what they are. You are what you are.

You need to be completely honest with yourself, to say what you want, to see if you want to love or not. The right woman for you is the woman you love just the way she is, the woman you don't have the need to change.

It's easy to love your dog because he doesn't have opinions about you. Your dog loves you unconditionally. If your partner loves you just the way you are, it is like how your dog loves you. You can be yourself with your partner. If you feel your partner is the one for you, just the way she is, and you are the one for her, just the way you are ... then yes, by all means tell her you love her.
posted by netbros at 10:22 PM on May 8, 2008

netbros......What a great analogy....Thank you very much for your response.

fairytale of los angeles---Thank you very much for carefully reading my question (I know this is not the best-written post out there, but I was rushing to get it out.....). Your observation makes perfect sense.

Loiseau---Is amazing that you took the time to read my other comments.....I am in love with this site!
posted by The1andonly at 10:29 PM on May 8, 2008

Oh my god dude. Seriously? That's your question? I went crosseyed trying to read all that. Simplify, man!

Dude. Call her up, tell her you love her, tell her you made a mistake and want her back.

Or don't.

Your young. Chances are you're going to go through this a few times. It's okay to screw up relationships, we all do it, it feels like the end of the world for each of us when it happens, but life goes on and a few weeks or months later you're fine.

Look. Let me give you some advice man to man (I assume you're a guy.) Relax. Mellow out some. Learn to speak in plain English. You could squeeze the shit out of all the stuff you wrote above and walk away with one, maybe two paragraphs.

And guess what, if you can't write your thoughts out and edit them down to something succinct and meaningful then dealing with some "high stakes" (in your mind) relationship is probably the last thing you need to worry with.
posted by wfrgms at 11:10 PM on May 8, 2008

"To make a story short" - mate, you then went on & typed 1,371 words! That's roughly half a college essay, isn't it?

Anyway, here's a long story short for you: Relationship Half-life Theory! "The time it takes to get over a partner can be generally assumed to equal roughly half the time you were seeing them"

2.5 years of dating therefore means 1.25 years of recovery. You haven't even reached month three yet, so you're not yet used to her not being around any more, and your instinct is to jump back to what's familiar rather than face an unknown future.

In other words, it's not necessarily *her* that you miss, but the idea of *somebody* who was once there for you. You can find others; move on.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:37 PM on May 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

ps - there was another great dog analogy the other day, The1andonly
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:39 PM on May 8, 2008

do you think it's possible that your sudden fervor over wanting her back is in direct relation to the fact that she's with someone new? furthermore, do you think she told you just to make you jealous and want to fight for her? this is an old story, one that you will play out time and time again unless you make the decision not to. it looks like one or both of you really like the drama and now that it can be reignited through her attachment to this new beau you're ready to jump back in again.

here are some things - her family will probably never accept you and she will probably never stand up to them about that. also, in the end she'll probably leave you for a nice jewish boy if you guys get back together.

you guys were together for 2 1/2 years, you guys had sex enough for their to be sexual issues you talked about but you never spent 24 straight hours together. this is strange and not at all the level of familiarity you should have with a person before you move in together.

and while we're on the sex topic - you think things are so broken there that the only way it could work is for you to go into therapy. this is also a strange jump for a 24 year old to make in regards to a relationship.

i could go on, but what it really boils down to, at your age, at the level of your guys' intimacy, it should have been easier and more fun. you shouldn't have had to over think it so much. your reasons for breaking up with her in the first place were sound. couples should be compatible in regards to sex, love, friendship, needs for attention, and places in their careers/goals. you guys don't seem to be compatible in any of these areas.

losing love hurts like hell, but holding on too long hurts more.
posted by nadawi at 12:49 AM on May 9, 2008

The best advice for all relationship issues is : Start reading Savage Love
posted by jeffburdges at 3:01 AM on May 9, 2008

If I love her.....If I am in love with her? why not? Why not make the jump?

Because love isn't alwaus enough to make a relationship work. You're young, but as you go through life you'll probably hear this line a lot - "I love him/her, but we just can't be in a relationship."

I mean, tell her if you want, but the relationship problems you've outlined are pretty big, and there are a LOT of people in the world. I think you can find someone you love just as much who doesn't come with a built-in set of giant problems. My recommendation is for you to not get back together with her, and date around for a little while.
posted by boomchicka at 4:08 AM on May 9, 2008

No. Move on.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:58 AM on May 9, 2008

Knowing only what you wrote (and wrote and wrote and wrote...), I'd say that the two of you weren't very compatible. I know how much it hurts to hear that she has a new boyfriend. But the solution to that is not to try and get her back, with all the problems that would come with that.

Ubu is right -- it takes time to get over someone. Sometimes people say half-time, others say that it takes a month for every year you were together, really I think each person is different. But regardless, understand that you are going to be coping with this for some time to come. Even if you found a new girlfriend tomorrow, you are still going to be getting over the old one for a while. It's normal, and just the way it is.

But you can speed up the recovery process by doing things like being out and social, being active, etc -- things that aren't sitting in your room and brooding. Some people find therapy helpful, others don't bother -- there isn't one general rule for that.
posted by Forktine at 6:14 AM on May 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Whew. I got through that and I was so glad you didn't let her move in. That would have been such a bad idea.

Should I tell her I love her?

Well, are you really in love with her or are you in love with the idea of being in love? Its hard to distinguish in the thick of things, but the fact that your attention is straying to other people suggests that your heart is in another place, even if you don't want to admit it yet.

The curfew thing is a little weird. People have a way of getting around things if they really want to. Maybe she just liked having a low commitment guy on the side. Its also weird how long it took for her to tell you about it, and even weirder that she didn't let you know she was Jewish especially if its such a huge part of her current life.

She honestly sounds a little immature and possibly self-centered. If she can prove to you that she's ready for an adult, curfew-free (and living together free!) relationship, maybe consider getting back in a relationship with her. But nothing you've written here suggests that's the case.

Its going to take some time, but some day you'll be glad you let yourself out. I mean, you're a well educated young guy with a good job, I promise there are plenty of women in NYC that would love to have a more healthy relationship with you.
posted by fermezporte at 6:16 AM on May 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

when we were together i always felt as if I was in some kind of dreamy movie....we would stare at each other for hours...nothing went wrong......however......

However, when you snapped back to reality, you realised all sorts of things were going wrong. You've never spent 24 hours straight with her. Her parents will never accept you, and she will never risk their wrath. You talk in forever terms, but you won't be accepted into her family, and it sounds like she's not willing to give them up.

I said no to the idea of moving in with her because:

*I had never spent 24 hours straight with her and didnt see myself making such a big jump.
*I was concerned about the response of her family (she would lose them forever)
*I was concerned that that if things didnt work out she would have no family to go back 2.
*I thought that moving in should be done as a sign that the relationship was getting stronger...not as a mean to save it......
*Of course the sex stuff was in my mind.
*and finally i dont know how she would fit into my life..........

These are excellent reasons for the decision you made. You're upset right now and you miss her, but these are still excellent reasons not to move in with her (and not to get back together with her with hopes of eventually moving in with her).

You can love each other and still not be right for each other. You can be attracted to each other and still not be right for each other. You can have fun together and still not be right for each other. You can get comments from strangers that you're an attractive couple and still not be right for each other.

Break-ups are difficult and emotional and that clouds your judgment. Take another 6 months (at least) to ponder this and adjust to life without her before making any further decisions about it. Try being single for a while. Maybe you can't imagine life without her right now, but ... just try it out for a while. Get to a point where it doesn't hurt SO much, so you can think about this clearly, and THEN make a decision that's based on reality and not on drama.
posted by heatherann at 6:20 AM on May 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Love, strong emotional connections, and companionship itself are all utterly addicting. That's why you're not content right now to recover and heal - you want to get her back, to get the fix quick, where you know you've gotten it before.

Clarify to yourself that you loved being in love with her, but that she was not genuinely compatible with you. You made the right decision for yourself - a difficult one, and one that isn't going to go down easy, these next several months.

Just write it out in your mind, with your mental Sharpie marker - what decision you made, and why - and remember it.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 8:27 AM on May 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Thank you very much to all for your input and feedback so far. It is greatly appreciated.


To address some of the concerns in regards to the length and the manner in which my answer was written, I wanted to say that I wanted to show you the exact stage my mind was in when I was writing the question. At the time I wrote this, my thoughts were not organized, compact, or cared very much about the correct spelling of the word curfew (I also blurted "helpful" instead of "hurtful")...However, this is the stage my mind was in and I chose to share this with all of you as this was (or is) a big decision for me. Also my mind is full of run-on sentences and thinks way too many things at the same time...but that is me.

I felt there would be a bigger impact if I shared details of the "dreamy" qualities of our relationship while at the same time giving you some insight into how my mind works. This probably does not make for a very elegant or "succinct" (as was previously pointed out) passage, but it does give you (or so I hope) the scope of my emotions, the confusion I was going (or still going) through and how this can affect even the way I communicate.

I wanted to thank all of you who not only took the time to read the very long post, but took specific sections of my thoughts to support your arguments....this was extremely helpful and very much appreciated as I said earlier.

I have decided to stay alone for now and see where the wind takes me...It was my original position and seeing other arguments have solidified this stance.

Other members who have not put in their two cents I strongly encourage you to do so as I am greatly benefiting from this discussion.
posted by The1andonly at 9:29 AM on May 9, 2008

Red flags regarding her maturity and ability to form a healthy adult relationship:

She lied about her religion and cultural identity

She lied to her parents about dating you

She made no progress in school for 2 years straight

She wasn't willing to deal with her parents and/or earn more freedom by doing well in school or negotiating different boundaries, but she was willing to move in with you--a very extreme and dramatic step.

I think she had a lot of growing up to do. You might have a lot of growing up to do, too. Take a year off from dating. You'll be a healthier man for it.
posted by sondrialiac at 2:43 PM on May 9, 2008

If you love her, I think you should give her a chance to get her life on track. Based on the information you give, I think the best thing you can do for her (and your relationship, in the long run) is give her some space. If the relationship is meant to be, it will happen, but, if you force it at this point, I can't see it becoming more stable in the near future.
posted by Mael Oui at 9:47 PM on May 9, 2008

a relationship that exists on the premise that everything will work out in the future is not a good relationship. Straying off to the internet was a subconscious realization that the future wasnt coming any closer. Her wanting to jump into living with you was like taking a shortcut to the future but you had the sense to know thats no basis for successfully living together. ie you cant skip the parts of a relationship that hadnt happened.
posted by browolf at 5:53 AM on May 11, 2008 [1 favorite]