How do I gently tell my mom that I do not want her to join my dad in walking me down the aisle?

May 5, 2008 2:30 PM

How do I gently tell my mom that I do not want her to join my dad in walking me down the aisle?

I am getting married in a few weeks. For the past several weeks my mom has been asking me if I am going to have my dad walk me down the aisle. I thought she was just being absent-minded, because my answer was always "yes". Yesterday she told me that she wants to walk me down with my father (I guess asking me over and over was her way of hinting that she wanted this?)
Now, the problem is that I haven't really told my mom "no" to anything she wants as far as the wedding goes. She hasn't asked for much, and I don't have a lot of specific desires, so its not that I wouldn't say no if I didn't like something.
My relationship with my father has always been strained, but we are getting along well these days and I tend to be pretty traditional as far as this wedding is concerned.
My parents are recently separated, and although they have a civil, friendly relationship, I know that my mom didn't want my dad to do this because of some personal grudges.
Long story short: I only want my father to walk me down the aisle. My mother has been involved in everything else. How can I break this to her as gently as possible?
Also, am I being disrespectful? I haven't demanded anything for this wedding, and I am trying to keep it as low-key as possible for both my and my parents' sake. This is the only thing I really want- but does it make me a bridezilla?

posted by nataliedanger to human relations (27 comments total)

I would try to make it as gentle as possible and don't break it to her in the middle of a discussion on the subject while she's excited about it. It's best you find her when nobody is around and there's nothing to aggravate or distract her to avoid embarrassment if she becomes upset.

I would also try and stress that it's not because she's done anything wrong, but that you've already made up your mind and that you hope this won't change her opinions of your wedding.

If she has already done any work with your wedding, be sure to thank her very much for that.
posted by devlin at 2:42 PM on May 5

Say that you want a traditional wedding ceremony, where your father walks you down the aisle. Stress the traditional bit. If possible, hint about it in the upcoming weeks.
posted by Solomon at 2:43 PM on May 5

No, you're not being bridezilla, it seems that your mother is using your wedding to get at your father.

How to tell her gently? Tell her that it will reassure you, mean an awful lot for you to know that she'll be sitting in the front row waiting for you arrive at the alter/minister. Is there a task she can be doing whilst sitting there, looking after young bridesmaids for example?

Congratulations and good luck!
posted by ceri richard at 2:43 PM on May 5

I only want my father to walk me down the aisle.

Isn't this how these things are normally conducted? At all the weddings I've ever been to, the bride's father (and the bride's father alone) walks her down the aisle. How would it work with both the bride's parents? One parent on each arm? That's definitely not the norm, at least from what I've seen.

Having your dad (alone) walk you down the aisle is the traditional status quo. Just tell her you (or your husband, if you want to deflect things that way) want that part of the wedding to follow tradition. There's nothing disrespectful or "bridezilla"-ish about that.
posted by Nelsormensch at 2:44 PM on May 5

What about saying, "Well, I want this to be a father-daughter thing, because it will mean a lot to me to follow family/cultural/whatev traditions. However, during the ceremony, we are doing X to specifically honor you and FMIL." Where X is something like presenting her with a flower out of your bouquet when you and your father reach the front of the aisle.
posted by muddgirl at 2:47 PM on May 5

This does not make you bridezilla by any stretch of the imagination. This is your wedding, not your mother's.
posted by jjb at 2:48 PM on May 5

Nelsormensch - yes, it is more traditional in the US for the father only to escort his daughter. However, some modern brides see this as a bit too patriarchal, and choose to have both their parents by their side (one on each arm, like you say). Some women will even walk down the aisle unescorted (I know, how scandalous)! I believe that, when MuddDude and I get married, we may walk in together, without our parents at all.
posted by muddgirl at 2:49 PM on May 5 [2 favorites]

Is she paying for the wedding? If so, then maybe you should reconsider what she wants. Personally, it might be easier for you to just let her do it rather than hurt her feelings, but if you're certain it's not what you want, then, yeah, break it gently. Don't pin blame your husband, though- that will certainly cause you problems later.
posted by emd3737 at 2:50 PM on May 5

It's traditional for the bride's father to give her away; it's also traditional for the bride's mother to enter the church very ceremoniously, after all the guests have been seated -- and after the groom's mother has been escorted to her seat. My impression has always been that the mother of the bride is treated with special respect and recognition, both in the order of events, and by the guests as she comes in.

Sometimes she has an extra, less traditional role, like lighting a candle or doing a reading; those are nice touches, as well.

Maybe your mother would be appeased if you told her you wanted her to have the full beaming attention of all present, as she makes her way to the front of the church in the traditional way. Beforehand, it might not seem like much to her; but when it happens, she will probably feel pretty darn special.

I do agree with those who have already answered, that it's very reasonable of you to want to be given away just by your father.

Of course, if you were Jewish, it would be traditional for you to be accompanied by both your parents, and the same for the groom. If mention of that would help your case, by all means use it. She might be less eager to adopt a tradition of a completely different faith.
posted by wryly at 3:04 PM on May 5

When I got married my mom walked down the aisle first with my husband, and then waited at the end while I walked down with my dad. Then she helped me get the veil off my face and gave me a hug. If I were you, I'd stress that last bit. Don't say, "Mom, I really don't want you walking down the aisle with me." Instead, stress how you DO want her to be involved - say something like, "Mom, I always pictured you walking down the aisle with Fiance and then waiting for me up there to give me my last hug while Fiance and Dad shake hands." Make sure she knows she's an important part of the proceedings.

Good luck.
posted by christinetheslp at 3:06 PM on May 5 [2 favorites]

I think you're being whack. I can't think of a gracious way to say "no, mom, I don't want you to have the same place in my wedding as my father who I've never really gotten along with. After all, you're already involved with the wedding! And I want something traditional, so, off you go."
posted by sondrialiac at 3:09 PM on May 5 [2 favorites]

It's your wedding. You are the bride. You can pretty much say whatever you want to anyone and be as nasty as you want. Everyone will just ascribe this to "Bride's nerves." Chances are you will explode at someone over something else trivial anyway, so don't worry about it. Just yell at your Mother, something like "Mom, Dad is walking me down the aisle and not you and THAT'S FINAL!" This sort of tirade is part of any traditional wedding.
posted by thomas144 at 3:26 PM on May 5 [1 favorite]

You don't have to tell her at all. Find some other role for her, involving her being somewhere else at the time, and ask her to do that. Make a big deal out of it and explain how it would mean a lot to you for her to do that. Don't even mention the aisle walking business.
posted by emilyw at 3:28 PM on May 5

what about having dad walk you down the aisle, meeting your mom up at the top about two or three steps from the altar. there, she'll join you, and both give you away.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:49 PM on May 5 [1 favorite]

Even if Mom doesn't like dad, it's fine to tell her that YOU've gotten closer to Dad lately and YOU want him to be part of the wedding. Dads don't traditionally have much else to do with weddings except write checks. Mom has presumably been helping you with other stuff, so she just sounds like she's trying to steal some of Dad's spotlight. Explain it as rationally and neutrally as you can, then put your foot down if you have to. It's not as if you're favoring Dad over her; this is a very well-established tradition.

Also, thank you for giving me something else to worry about for my wedding in September. This is exactly the kind of crap my mother would pull. I hope she doesn't get this idea.
posted by desjardins at 4:03 PM on May 5

I can't think of a gracious way to say "no, mom, I don't want you to have the same place in my wedding as my father who I've never really gotten along with.

Even though I think I'm twisting sondrialiac's words, that's actually a good way to say it. Mix it with wryly's advice and get something like:

"No, mom, you know I've never got along with dad. You deserve better than to have to walk alongside him; I want you to come in afterwards and get the full recognition you deserve, as the mom who's always been there for me."

Play it off as a, "Why would you want to be demoted like that?," and I think she'll start to see that she's not really "getting even" by walking alongside him.
posted by fogster at 4:15 PM on May 5

I went totally non-traditional and had my two grandmothers escort me down the aisle, but I asked my dad if that was okay first, because traditionally, the father of the bride does the escorting. I'd just emphasize the traditional aspect, and figure out some other way to honor your mother in the ceremony. Then emphasize whatever you choose to do when you discuss it with her.

Moms get all wacky when their kids get married. I'm so glad I'm done with all that stuff (though our wedding was awesome! I just hated the planning).
posted by bedhead at 4:28 PM on May 5

Choreograph the wedding, and include a role for your mother (and everyone else). Think of it like a dance or a stage play, because it is. Use the organist to time-cue people. Position each player, at each time-change. (It will help to use a diagram.)

Example:
3:00: G, MG and FG, MB and FB arrive at church, meet priest, greet early arrivals.
3:00: Bridesmaids (BMA, BMB, BMC) and groomsmen (GMA, GMB, GMC) arrive, act as ushers. Extra usher on each side to assist.
3:15: Doors opened. MG and FG, MB and FB greet guests as they arrive.
3:15: G to front right-hand pew.
3:15: Organist plays song 1, song 2, song 3.
3:30: Organist plays song 4, distinct change of music tone.
3:30: GMA, GMB, GMC finish ushering as required, go to front right hand pew to join G. BMA, BMB, BMC finish ushering as required, go to wait at door.
3:30: Priest to dais. MB to second-front left hand pew. FG and MG to second-front right hand pew. FB to wait at door for B.
3:45: B arrives. BMA signals priest. Priest signals organist. Organist starts bridal march. Priest motions guests to stand, FG, MG, MB, G and groomsmen to take their places.
3:45: MB to front left lower stair. G to top right stair before dais. Groomsmen to second top stair. FG and MG to front right lower stair. All face the door.
3:45: B and FB enter. Bridesmaids follow.
3:50: FB stops beside MB, kisses B. B climbs stairs, releases FB's hand. Bridesmaids line up on second top left stair. All turn to face priest.
3:50: Priest commences service.

Obviously vary as per your religious and cultural traditions etc; the point is, any individual (especially your mother) can read that schedule and know exactly where he/she has to be, and when, and what song he/she should listen for to prompt the change. Scripting resolves the ambiguity. If for some reason you can't use music, devise some other method of signalling (the priest is the natural person to issue the signals, ushers the natural people to propogate them). Whoever it is, should have a clock or watch visible.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 6:01 PM on May 5

I would say that since walking you down the aisle is the only thing your dad is really getting to do in this wedding, that you'd like to let it be something just for him. She's involved in almost everything else.
posted by fructose at 6:33 PM on May 5

Man, you are so lucky you want to do things the traditional way. You can always say "Look, I think this particular tradition is kind of poetic and I just want it this particular way in my wedding". It's when you mess with traditions that people think they have a leg to stand on.
posted by crinklebat at 6:46 PM on May 5

Congratulations and all my best wishes for a long and happy marriage. Now, a gentle reminder: It is not "all about you." It may be a very special day for you, the bride, but rituals are as much about society as they are about individuals and there are many other people involved in this ritual. (Not to mention God, since I see you are getting married in church.) For example, the day your grown daughter is married and starts her own family is a huge day because it symbolizes the end of your job raising her.

Bear in mind this whole "walking down the aisle" business didn't arise on a whim. It symbolizes the giving by the father to the groom of you, his property. In the days when this tradition arose you would have been living in your father's house under his protection until the day you left that safe haven to enter the protection of your husband's home. Of course these days it is an empty gesture and more and more brides are asking themselves how much of the tradition they want to retain. Will you be promising to "obey" your husband? I hope at the very least when the clergyman/priest/rabbi asks "Who gives this bride in marriage?" you will allow your mother to stand with your father and say "We do."

Finally I want to add that looking back, I feel my own church wedding was marred by having my father walk me down the aisle. However it was 1982 and not too many women were being walked down the aisle by their moms-- even if the mom was the one who raised them. My father was/is a vain, arrogant jerk who loses his temper at the drop of a hat and he did several unpleasant things that day that I wish I could forget.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:59 PM on May 5 [3 favorites]

You want a "traditional" aspect to your ceremony, which means dad, not mom, walks you down the aisle. This does not reflect in any way whatsoever upon your relationship with either of them. It is just societal norms pushing at you and you would like to be respected if you decide to follow them on this most important and quite stressful event. (or something to that effect, I just tried to put it into words that us old foggies would understand)
posted by caddis at 7:04 PM on May 5

A few good ideas here about how to give Mom a special role in the ceremony. Here's another. At mine, I asked the florist to include two easy-to-remove flowers in the bouquet. She did so and showed me which ones. After my father walked me down the aisle, I turned at took one flower out and gave it to the mother of the groom and then turned and gave one to my mother with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

My parents also both gave me away with "we do" as Secret Life up there suggests. Do a little research on ways to incorporate the Mother of the bride in a meaningful way and come up with something for your Mom. And then be proactive and broach it, just be plain, "Mom, I know you said you wanted to walk me down the aisle but I feel like being traditional and having Dad do it. What I would love is for you to ______, would you be willing to do that? It would mean so much."

Also, I kept the flower thing a secret so both Moms were surprised. You could do it just for your Mom if you liked.

Anyway, congratulations! You'll have a beautiful and fun wedding and if you handle this right you won't even remember that it was an issue.
posted by amanda at 7:47 PM on May 5

Friends of mine had their mothers light a candle each, then bring the candles together and light a third with them. That was nice.

Another friend of mine had her mother and her nieces as two little flowergirls walk down the aisle, in front of her and her father. As I recall the mother of the bride had a basket of flower petals in each hand (ie, actually carried the weight), and a little girl had a hand on each basket, and the little girls were pulling petals out of the basket and scattering them on the path in front of the bride and her father.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 12:21 AM on May 6

my cousin did what aeschenkarnos's friends did with the candle.

dad walks you down the aisle, kisses you, sits. mother of the groom and your mom take 2 already lit candles and light a single, larger candle. someone read a poem about two lives joining or something. then the mothers kiss their kids and sit down, ceremony starts. this does leave out the father in law to be, but that's a bridge for your fiance to cross. heh.

just feel lucky that their aren't step mothers and fathers to include.
posted by nadawi at 1:59 AM on May 6

Actually, if you're the bride, your mom often kind of gets a little screwed at the wedding. You walk with your dad down the aisle. Then you dance with your dad at the reception. There's not necessarily a special moment with mom planned at the wedding. I say this because although I have very fond and special memories of my wedding, I regret not really having a single special moment dedicated to my mom.

So, you don't have to do this whole walking down the aisle thing with your mom. But do you have something else to do with her? Some folks do double dances -- dance with dad, and then dance with mom. Or you can give a little speech of thanks to her at the reception. Just something to acknowledge publicaly, in front of your family, how much she means to you. Or, alternatively, just some private special moment between the two of you during the event.

Congratulations and good luck!
posted by onlyconnect at 5:58 AM on May 6

I know you probably wish you could have gone back in time to when she first asked you, and put your foot down then, but the best thing you can do now is just take her aside, trying to be both gentle and firm, but light, and let her know that this is your dad's special part in the ceremony. After all, she's the one imposing herself here, in changing the structure of the ceremony. You're not being pushy or selfish by maintaining a boundary that's been there for generations. Your dad has a right to be involved too.

I would say something like "Mom, you know I love you, and I adore having you involved in every part of the ceremony. I love sharing everything with you. But I would like dad to have his special moment with me as well, and after all that is traditional and in keeping with the rest of the wedding's formality. What I would really like is if you were waiting for me at the end of the aisle to help me with my veil before I go to the altar with Bob."

I agree that giving her alternate moments in which to shine - and maybe letting her pick between lighting a candle, or reading something, or helping with the veil, or whatever she feels is more important? - is probably the best way to avoid her feeling spurned.

And I don't want to flame Thomas144, but please, PLEASE don't feel that your wedding is an excuse to go batsh*t on people. It's just one day. As soon as it's over you'll realize that you now have a long, long list of apologies to make to the people that you love... and who were just trying to give you a beautiful (and very expensive) day. It sounds like you're the opposite of that kind of person anyway, with how considerate you're being of your mom's feelings, but honestly, there is NO excuse for Bridezilla, especially to the ones you love. It is always possible to be courteous to others.

Don't feel bad about standing up for yourself when what you want is reasonable.
posted by GardenGal at 8:50 AM on May 6