Why am I so upset when I know it's hypocritical?

May 5, 2008 8:58 AM

I get irrationally and hypocritically upset at my partner. Should I tell him why I'm upset, even though it's crazy? How do I stop getting upset in the first place?

For example, I was off of work one day last week. I lounged around in my pajamas and basically did nothing. We did some chores together later in the week. Yesterday, he was home while I had to work. He lounged around and (apparently) did nothing. I was upset because the kitchen was dirty and he hadn't done anything about it. I *know* this is hypocritical, but I still feel upset. Unfortunately I'm very transparent and he could tell I was upset. I didn't want to tell him what it was about because I knew it was wrong, that it was my issue, and I didn't want to take it out on him. But he knows something is off so he plays this guessing game of "what did I do wrong" and then he gets progressively more upset and defensive.

I am also like this with another issue: masturbation. When I do it, it's because I'm aroused and he's not around. I'm sure he does it for pretty much the same reason, but for some crazy reason it upsets me. We have a reasonable amount of sex for two working 30something straight people who have been together for 4 years (no kids). I know he finds me desirable, and we both initiate sex. It's not perfect, but I'm generally happy with our sex life, and I don't think his masturbation is subtracting from it. But it still upsets me.

We have a great relationship 90% of the time - most of the 10% is normal squabbling and work stress. I love him dearly and I know he loves me too. So what's my problem, how can I avoid taking it out on him, and should I let him know?

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 comments total)

How do I stop getting upset in the first place?

Since you acknowledge that your reactions are pretty irrational, I think maybe some CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) exercises could really help you. CBT helps you to really analyze your feelings and the assumptions/thought processes that are leading you to feel the way you feel...and once you work through these thoughts/feelings, you can often change the way you react to situations.You can learn some techniques to work through your feelings either from a book (The Feeling Good handbook or Anxiety & Phobia Workbook are two), or with a therapist.

I think it's fine to talk to your partner about how you realize you are having some feelings of resentment that you are trying to work through -- but emphasize that you know this isn't his fault.
posted by tastybrains at 9:13 AM on May 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

Of course you should "let him know" you're being irrational, because he already knows this. The only part he doesn't know is that you're aware of it. And telling him that part will help both of you quite a bit.

Making him play the guessing game is just awful; it's much, much, much worse than just letting him know what's really upsetting you. (Even, or especially, when what's really upsetting you is nothing to do with him.) When it's out in the open you can talk about it, decide whether anything needs to be done, etc.

Wait for a calm moment when you're both not actively upset, let him know that you're aware you do this, and give him permission to call you on it next time it happens. And when he does, try to remember not to act defensive about it.
posted by ook at 9:14 AM on May 5, 2008 [3 favorites]

This is just an idea, and may not apply to you...
But maybe you're actually NOT ok with the feelings you have about taking the day off work, masturbating, etc., but your dissatisfaction comes out, or is somehow sanctionable, when you see these these things projected on your partner.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:21 AM on May 5, 2008 [4 favorites]

What ook said. Good words, follow his (her?) advice.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:23 AM on May 5, 2008

Definitely tell him so he doesn't have to play the guessing game. Sometimes I'll have a fight with my boyfriend in a dream over something he did in the dream and then when I wake up I'm annoyed at him, and I just have to tell him that I'm annoyed and he hasn't done anything wrong and I'll get over it.
posted by missmagenta at 9:26 AM on May 5, 2008

To clarify, because in rereading my comment it sounds like I'm blaming you for everything, which isn't what I meant: From time to time, everybody gets upset at things they know they shouldn't really be that upset about. That part isn't really the problem. (Unless you're doing it constantly or to extreme degrees, which doesn't really sound like it's the case).

Bottling it up is the problem, because it just magnifies the issue for you, and puts him in the position of knowing something's wrong but not what it is. I bet that if you start talking about this stuff in the open, you'll find that two things start happening: one, he'll be able to focus his energy on helping you instead of on trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Which is good for both of you. (e.g. I'd much rather take out the trash, even if it isn't my turn, than have my wife pissed off at me all day because the trash hasn't been taken out.) And two, the act of verbalizing some of these anxieties, talking them out a bit, will make them evaporate; they just won't bother you as much. (I often find that problems which seem awful when they're just bouncing around in my head turn out to be pretty small if I can just get them out in some tangible form.)
posted by ook at 9:38 AM on May 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

Seconding the CBT recommendation. I think the other suggestions are right on, too, but it's the difference between putting on a band-aid and addressing the underlying issue. CBT requires that someone be willing and able to take an honest look at themselves, and you sound like you could do it. The books tastybrains recommends are a good place to start, in my opinion.
posted by dreamphone at 9:40 AM on May 5, 2008

Unfortunately I'm very transparent and he could tell I was upset. I didn't want to tell him what it was about because I knew it was wrong

If you're showing that you're annoyed, I think it's only right to tell him why. Otherwise, things are just going to get worse. "I know it's not right for me to be annoyed, because I do the same thing... But for some reason I'm annoyed that...."

Might you work on addressing the "hypocritical" part? When he has the day off, help clean. Or you can cheat and just offer to help clean up the kitchen, to which he could always say no. Then you're kind of setting the precedent, and when he acts that way, you're not a hypocrite.

FWIW, I have no idea if it's applicable in your case or not, but to throw it out there in case: irritability is a valid, treatable medical issue, if you find yourself consistently much more irritated than you think is reasonable.
posted by fogster at 9:48 AM on May 5, 2008

I've been reading this book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, and you might find it useful. It looks at those moments where you're fighting about something small and irrational, but the emotions with the fight are SO BIG. What are the emotions underlying that fight? If you felt completely secure in his attraction to and desire for you, would the masturbation bother you? (I know you say your sex life is good, but his masturbation seems to trigger this emotion anyways, rational or not.)

Her basic thesis is that if we feel completely secure, engaged, and supported in our relationships, these small issues won't spark big emotional reactions. Don't suppress the emotion; figure out what it's signalling about your experience of the relationship.

She also talks a lot about the pattern where one partner shuts down to try to minimize the damage, and the other becomes increasingly frantic and aggressive to try to get all the issues on the table. This makes the first partner nervous, so they shut down more, which makes the second partner nervous, so they get more frantic, and on and on it goes. She's got a bunch of exercises focussed on how to recognise this pattern, stop it while it's happening, and prevent it from happening in the future. For example, here:

I didn't want to tell him what it was about because I knew it was wrong, that it was my issue, and I didn't want to take it out on him. But he knows something is off so he plays this guessing game of "what did I do wrong" and then he gets progressively more upset and defensive.

You're upset and you're trying to calm things down by shutting down, but he sees that and worries that he's losing his connection to you. This makes him upset and he reacts aggressively to try to establish a response (ANY response) from you again. You get defensive and shut down more to avoid further damaging your relationship, to avoid taking it out on him. You're both fearing the loss of the same thing (a peaceful and loving connection), but your reactions feed each other's anxiety, and the fight escalates.

I'm usually the "frantic and aggressive" one in this pattern, and this book is really helping me to see that this response isn't entirely valid, and my partner's response isn't entirely stupid, and that there is a way out of this cycle.
posted by heatherann at 9:57 AM on May 5, 2008 [9 favorites]

Lately this book has really been helping me put my ego aside and appreciate life in order to find serenity. Basically, the reasons you are getting upset are because you're letting your ego control you. You're addicted to the adrenaline in a way. It's kind of Buddhist, but you need to let that go and just appreciate being instead of trying to control stuff. You'll find yourself a lot more peaceful and it'll make life easier for your partner as well. Everybody wins. While it's unconsciously addicting, we already have enough drama in life without creating more for ourselves.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:58 AM on May 5, 2008

I usually say something about crazy thoughts, prefaced with, "Hey, I realize this is absolutely insane, but I have to say it in order to stop freaking out about it. Please listen to me for 5 minutes, and then I'll feel better." Of course, you can only say that if it is actually the case, but it usually is for me.
posted by unknowncommand at 10:06 AM on May 5, 2008

If you're showing that you're annoyed, I think it's only right to tell him why.

There's the problem; showing you're annoyed.

OP: The solution is to work on not showing you are annoyed. It's not fair to him to get annoyed at stuff like this, and it's really not fair to him to show him you're annoyed about it. It's not his fault, he's done nothing wrong, and telling him about it is just a way to make yourself feel better.

What good could possibly come of telling your boyfriend that you get annoyed when he masturbates? Either he tries to stop, which isn't fair to him and pisses him off, or he doesn't try to stop which will make him feel guilty and piss him off and probably piss YOU off since he didn't bother trying to stop.

I think most people can control whether they act annoyed; if you are showing him you are annoyed you probably consciously or subconsciously want him to know.
posted by Justinian at 10:21 AM on May 5, 2008

I think I'd tell him, but also tell him you know it's stupid. Because it would annoy me if someone acted pissed off at me for no good reason, but also if I found out the reason didn't make sense/wasn't fair, I'd be annoyed too.

It might be that telling him you are annoyed but that you know it's stupid might make you less annoyed.

Also yeah, sucking it up and stopping being annoyed would probably be the best thing.
posted by sully75 at 10:31 AM on May 5, 2008

masturbation in couplehood is very tricky. My last longterm partner saw mine as 'cheating' which I thought was preposterous. Why not do it together?
posted by parmanparman at 10:31 AM on May 5, 2008

I disagree with Justinian - hiding your emotions is just another way of bottling them up, and it gives you an excuse to hold a grudge. As a woman who sometimes deals with irrational thoughts and behaviors (just like everyone does), I like to use unknowncommand's approach in my relationship with my fiance. I also make sure to use the ol' "I feel ... when you ... I want" dialogue of conflict management.

So, for example, when I find that I come home from work and MuddDude hasn't done anything to clean up our messy house, I'd say, "I know this is irrational and hypocritical, but I feel very annoyed when you stay home from work and don't really do anything all day. I want us both to work on using our time at home productively for ourselves and our relationship." That creates a starting point where you can discuss his laziness when he's at home alone in the context of your own behavior.

Another end-point could be that you discover (through dialogue with your partner) that you're actually upset because you had a hard day at work, and what you're really looking for is some attention and validation from him when you get home, rather than this feeling like "Oh, it's been a hard day, and now I've got to do the dishes and sweep the floor, and he hasn't done ANYTHING! And it's so unfair!"

This technique also requires quite a bit of introspection from you, which is a benefit in situations like your partner's masturbation habits. Before you can construct an "I feel..." statement, you have to figure out what you WANT to occur, which really gets at the root of why you're upset. Do you want him to stop masturbating? Do you really? Do you want him to be more secretive about it, or perhaps less secretive? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to, say, refrain from masturbating when you're home with him, or conversely to ask him to let you know before he gets started, in case you want to join it.

In summary: dismissing emotions as "irrational" is a bit self-destructive and rather unhelpful. You have an emotional response to something, and that's something the two of you will have to deal with.
posted by muddgirl at 10:46 AM on May 5, 2008

This happens to me sometimes. The way I deal with it is by recognizing the annoyance has to do with me and not my partner. I am annoyed that the kitchen is dirty, not that he didn't clean it. I am annoyed that I wanted sex last night and didn't get it, not that he went to sleep early, etc etc. Basically, I tend to externalize normal irritations or bad moods (brought on by stress, lack of sleep, etc) and take that stuff out on other people. It's a bad idea, and if this is your problem too, the best way to deal with it is to acknowledge it and let your partner know.

Not, "why didn't you clean the kitchen?" but "I'm just in a crappy mood and the dirty kitchen is getting to me, I'm going to chill out by doing x and then clean." X can be reading, taking a walk, watching TV, anything that gets you out of the shitty mood to the point where you can be rational. If your partner is mostly rational, letting him know that you are annoyed and that it has nothing to do with him should make things a lot less tense. Everyone has bad days.
posted by Mr Bunnsy at 10:46 AM on May 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'd say, "I know this is irrational and hypocritical, but I feel very annoyed when you stay home from work and don't really do anything all day. I want us both to work on using our time at home productively for ourselves and our relationship."

This must be one of those things that varies from person to person, because stuff like this would annoy the shit out of me. If it's irrational and hypocritical, I'm just going to get really annoyed myself when hearing it.

If it isn't irrational or hypocritical, by all means, tell me and I'll try to get my act together.
posted by Justinian at 11:12 AM on May 5, 2008

This is just an idea, and may not apply to you...
But maybe you're actually NOT ok with the feelings you have about taking the day off work, masturbating, etc., but your dissatisfaction comes out, or is somehow sanctionable, when you see these these things projected on your partner.

This was my thought as well. I find that I get most upset when I recognize others doing something that I do and wish I didn't. If you can come to terms with your issues with your own behavior, it will stop being such an issue when you view in others. It's worked for me.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:30 AM on May 5, 2008

Ten Steps that Transform Anger into Compassionate Connection
Describes a way to deal with anger in a relationship in a constructive way.
I encountered that link on mefi. But I forget who posted it.
posted by jouke at 1:30 PM on May 5, 2008 [6 favorites]

But maybe you're actually NOT ok with the feelings you have about taking the day off work, masturbating, etc., but your dissatisfaction comes out, or is somehow sanctionable, when you see these these things projected on your partner.

And actually, to take that further, I would suggest that the anger you feel is a social anger, the kind that we feel when someone cuts in line or doesn't immediately go when the light turns green. Cutting in line, being stopped at a light - none of that actually makes us lose anything more than a few seconds, but we get really really angry because that's now how people are "supposed to behave." We have a certain idea of what's socially acceptable or 'fair' and therefore react to it the same way that we think we 'should' react to it, which has a lot to do with how we've seen others react before. When you're alone, the social judgment meter goes dormant, but when someone else, like your husband, is there, then the judgment activates again.

This is another one of those instances that, to quote Sister Hazel, "If you want to be somebody else, change your mind."

You know it's irrational, you know that the anger's not good for your relationship. What may be news to you is the knowledge that just by dissociating "lazy" and "masturbation" from that sense of "shouldn't!" in your head, the anger really will go away, and you'll feel better. There are certain connections there right now that you need to replace with other associations, like thinking about how much your husband does for you (that could leave him tired and lethargic) and how glad you are that his other sexual partner is his right hand, not another woman.

You don't have to do it alone, of course. Like everyone said upthread, tell your husband. I doubt your husband will fault you for self-acknowleged irrational anger. No one on the green is going, "Man, you're so mean for being irrationally angry" and I think we can assume your husband likes you a tad more than the average Mefite. :)
posted by reebear at 4:07 PM on May 5, 2008

I and my fiance used to do what you're doing, early in our relationship. Not being upfront about it is what makes the situation bad; the other person having to do the guessing game is awful.

Try something like this, which is the sort of thing my fiance and I say to each other: "I'm upset that you sat around doing nothing because the kitchen is dirty, but I did the same thing last Wednesday so it's pretty stupid of me. Don't worry about it."

Most people will appreciate this and they won't get mad at you for feeling that way. To the contrary, they will be happy about it. Also, once you get used to admitting it out loud, the whole thing becomes somewhat amusing for everyone involved and helps dissolve the annoyed feelings to begin with. I suspect part of the reason you get so annoyed is precisely because you do not like feeling like a hypocrite. Once you make a habit of admitting these things aloud and seeing you get a good reaction for doing so, it will start to truly sink in that hypocritical feelings are quite common and that you're a good person for recognizing them in yourself and trying to correct them, instead of feeling like you're a bad person for having the feelings in the first place.

Just as a disclaimer, not everyone reacts amiably to such admissions if they have issues themselves. For example, if I do this with my mom she freaks out, gets defensive, and will start talking about how I shouldn't feel that way when I've already acknowledged it. If for some reason your husband reacts that way, just do what I do: calmly say, "Yes, I know that. I'm being stupid." If it's enough to keep my mom from going on any further, it probably works for nearly everyone, heh. Basically, a gentle reminder that you've acknowledged that what they're saying is true seems to be enough.
posted by Nattie at 4:11 AM on May 6, 2008 [1 favorite]