Talking addict Filter : Help me avoid being "that girl" who talks nonsense

May 3, 2008 1:22 PM

TalkingFilter : How to talk less ?. This goes to all the ones who have considered themselves extravert (verbally extravert, not necessarily always surrounded with large groups) at a certain point, then realized it was more than exhausting : How did it happen ? if it was related to personal issues, was there any key event/epiphany that changed this habbit so hard to quit ?

I've been conviced of the benefits from such a change for years, which still doesn't naturally takes place, despite being of a rather introvert nature by essence (loves reading, spends hours writing, loves hanging out one on one, usually isn't having a ball in large crowds). Yet it always comes back once a conversation has started : the urge to say more, to give more details, to go faster than normal (NB it isn't either about slander, since most of the info displayed is of personal nature, absurdingly enough, things that are the bare truth, i.e that aren't necessarily flatering, though not disturbingly intimate)

For the record, 22 yr old female, currently in therapy, gradschool student, already aware of the many down-to-earth reasons for the change (better self esteem, healthier relationships, less mixed messages sent to opposite sex, increased feeling of safety in rough times, more freedom in many other aspects...).

Thanks for your advices and anything relevant to the topic.

posted by Jireel to human relations (7 comments total)

For me it's usually alcohol and enthusiasm for the topic, coupled with not talking to many people throughout the week. I think I "save it up" and then if the topic strikes me, I get "going." I'm trying to stop doing it too.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:47 PM on May 3, 2008

i would say this is probably due to one of two things:

1. loneliness. do you have any intimate friends or people you speak to regularly? or are you starved for a connection? if so, this could be the impetus behind your chattiness. humans, even introverts, are pack animals. we want people to KNOW us. maybe you're feeling that lack and are trying to make up for it by injecting as much data out into the universe as you can in the hopes of making up those missing connections.

2. mania. what are you in therapy for? are you on any medication? have you mentioned this to your therapist? obviously this is not enough of a problem to interfere with your life, but i would talk to your therapist about it, because it can be damaging if it gets out of control.
posted by thinkingwoman at 2:06 PM on May 3, 2008

the urge to say more, to give more details, to go faster than normal

It sounds like you want to fit in as much as possible in one conversation. Maybe you're anxious about getting all relevant info out pertaining to a certain conversation to let your listener know that you have, done this/experienced that/been there. It's ok to let little snippets out about yourself as the friendship grows. Take it slow. There's nothing wrong with friends and acquaintances learning things about you gradually.

There's also nothing harmful with being a little more discreet about unflattering and personal problems. Yes, it's human to show your vulnerability and it can be very refreshing to hear that you have problems/demons/pain like everyone else. But it shouldn't be a part of every conversation. I self-deprecate to the extreme and I spill personal information at a high rate and I find that it really doesn't help my self-esteem or show respect to myself. When you're discreet about deeply personal things creates healthy boundaries. Think about some people you admire. Are they constantly telling you about their laundry and dishes that are piled up, their past STD's, their problems with their spouse, etc. You said that you don't spill especially unflattering facts. This is good.

You can train yourself to listen more and talk less. As you are arriving to your next social event, remind yourself to not talk so much and listen more. Look the person in the eye and let them speak with your full attention. Instead of telling them that you went deep fishing too, and caught a sailfish when you went to the Bahamas last year on your sister's boat!, ask questions about their trip. Appear interested.

If all you are doing is waiting for your turn to speak it's not really a sincere conversation. Pause. Take a moment to reflect on what your friend just said. Ask a question or make a comment that pertains to their comment. "The Bahamas are beautiful, aren't they? I was there with my sister not too long ago. I would love to see some pictures of your trip."

Silence is a good thing. Observe your friends and your surrondings. Let them talk more than you do. Speak when you have something relevant to say. Make it a little contest until it becomes a habit.

Good luck
posted by LoriFLA at 2:28 PM on May 3, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

You recognize what it is, and you want to change it. That's a very good start. But you are who you are for a long complicated series of reasons (i.e., your life up until now). Getting to a different place may take some work. Your therapist is the person who can help you change.
posted by exphysicist345 at 3:34 PM on May 3, 2008

One complete thought in Serious Business Mode consists of the following: Definition. Statement. Explanation. Example. Remark.

In serious business mode, you will not talk as much.

The reason is, complete thoughts in SBM take a long time to compose.

For instance, I'm up past my bedtime writing this comment in SBM.

Sometimes it helps to think of SBM as a fun mental game. Best wishes. :)
posted by proj08 at 11:01 PM on May 3, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

Thanks very much for the neat insights ; I really appreciate all of them

>> To thinkingwoman, i think you have it right : although I am not lonely (School and dorms keep me racing from chores to homework to catching up..... I grew up as a very lonely child and learned most of my interaction patterns during those years (that's why i'm in therapy, more or less, for past depression issues that are related to a certain unconventional lifestyle i was brought up in.. that Ive gotten rid of about 2 years ago while finshing college, cf the 1st question I asked on mefi, at the time when i was starting my therapy)

... And therefore i am glad enough to say that it isnt related to mania ; my therapist has a lot of hopes for what im becoming, and apart from some anxiolytics i took on and off for 2 months last summer, i have never taken any medication to treat mental troubles.

It is all mostly about learning average verbal customs, later than others, and to learn depicting social cues in a more accurate way.

Thanks again, and if you know of anyone whose had a similar questionning points, id love to hear about how they got out of it.
posted by Jireel at 9:11 AM on May 4, 2008

Talking too much is simply a symptom of your youth. I participate in a credentialling system for my profession (figure skating instruction) and too much talking is one of the things we work to train out of coaches. The younger ones especially have trouble with, first, knowing how to get the point across quickly, second, understanding that lots of talking does not mean lots of knowledge, and third, that we respect (or not) your words, knowledge and opinion already so more talking is not going to make the case any better.

In other words, if you know what you're talking about get it done and then be quiet, if you don't know what you're talking skip straight to step two (be quiet), because we're all going to notice the second you open your mouth.

How do you do this? First, don't start talking in the first place. Listen instead. It's kind of a self-esteem thing-- don't worry about the opinion of others, just have the courage of your convictions and the discipline to listen and learn. Second (and this will make you feel silly, but it really works), *practice* getting to the point. Stand in front of a mirror and be both sides of a conversation. Make up a topic, or rehash a recent conversation where you think you made an ass of yourself by talking too much. (Oh, did I mention to make sure you're alone? Because you'll look really crazy otherwise.) Then just start talking. You'll be able to hear when you've said too much.

Another idea is to take a class that has oral exams. Nothing cures you of too much verbiage more than your first oral, because the panel will NAIL you for not getting to the point.
posted by nax at 9:24 AM on May 4, 2008