less head please nsfw

May 2, 2008 5:52 PM

My partner wants a lot more cunnilingus than I can stand. Here's the catch: I'm the girl. How can we compromise?

My longterm boyfriend wants to go down on me every time we have sex. When I agree to it, he will lap away for long stretches of time. If I tell him (with sex-talk, not like "hey, cut it out!") I've had enough or ask him to skip it altogether, he's disappointed.

For a bunch of reasons I don't just suck it up (ha) and let him go down on me as much as he would like. For one thing, I get urinary infections and I'm much more likely to develop one if he's been performing cunnilingus on me. Not a health risk, but it's real uncomfortable and means we can't have sex at all until it's over.

A bigger problem is that I just don't like it that much. I'm pretty sensitive. Too much attention to my clitoris numbs me. If he goes down on me for as long as he likes, I can't really enjoy the P-in-V sex and I can't climax.

I've tried telling him that a softer touch and keeping it a little drier might make it better for me but he can't seem to hold back. I've told it to him gently in a non-sexual place. I've told it to him in a "so jump me now, you bastard" sexy-talk way. I've told it to him in a clinical way. I kind of think a former lover must have trained him to think that all women love lots of oral. So when he's going down on me, I get kind of aggravated that he's not doing what !I! like.

Other-wise, our sex life is great. So is our relationship.

Most of the time I let him perform cunnilingus because I know it gives him pleasure.. But it's really getting in the way of my pleasure. What's the best compromise?

(Just to prevent some possible wrong answers:
1. It's not like he's trying to guarantee tit for tat. I'm very happy to go down on him without him going down on me.
2. Don't tell me to dump him and let someone who appreciates great head have a chance. We're totally compatable except for this, even down to the same kinks.)

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 comments total)

I don't think this is about the cunnilingus; really, this is about respect. It's about getting your "yes"es and "no"es taken seriously. He needs to see this as an important issue of boundaries and consent, not just a minor issue of preference and accommodation.

Fundamentally, he is doing something to you sexually that you do not want, and that hurts (when you get the UTI). If he were shoving it into your butt, or making you gag for fun, it would be really easy for the obvious answer to be "say no and shove him away." But because cunnilingus is "for you" and every woman is supposed to like it (note the advice in the question earlier today from the guy who doesn't like using his tongue), I think it's tempting to do what you've been doing, going along to get along.

But if it doesn't feel good, and it makes the sex afterwards not feel good, and it gives you infections, that's not something with which you should be going along with on a routine basis. Whatever pleasure he gets from licking you is not worth the cost for you.

So I think you need to have one of those "coming to Jesus" conversations, where you read him the riot act about respect and consent, and his options are to say "yes dear" or to say "yes dear." No maybes, no sort ofs, no "but honey"s. Not everyone gets everything they want every time, and one thing he's going to have to get used to not getting is cunnilingus every day. Maybe on special occasions, or with strict limitations, but not as a routine prelude to intercourse.
posted by Forktine at 6:16 PM on May 2 [11 favorites]

He doesn't seem to be taking you seriously. Grab him by the hair and tell him what's up.

I also have a hunch that he thinks he can convert you or "bring it out" in you. Tell him otherwise. After having a few slightly awkward crash-and-burns down there, he'll probably quit it.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 6:16 PM on May 2

Okay, I'm trying here. Maybe you can get him to give you a lot of oral attention on the rest of your body? Necking! Nipples! Toes! He wants to suck somethin', give him a finger! That's pretty good foreplay for me, anyway. But the bottom line is, you've got to be firm with him and state that he's not pleasuring you sufficiently BECAUSE he's insisting on ignoring your feelings about this and giving you head you don't want. If he wants to feel good, and wants you to feel good, in equal measure, he MUST stop sucking your clit and move on to something else when you tell him to. Be prepared with lots of other suggestions. This is your big chance to find new methods of pleasure-seeking. I'm wondering if analingus would be a good diversion here. Dont' be too shy to get exasperated with him, it's not going to ruin your sex life. Withholding cunnilingus is pretty much the best thing ever, because then when you're finally in the mood for it, he's gonna be THROUGH THE ROOF.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 6:18 PM on May 2 [1 favorite]

I kind of think a former lover must have trained him to think that all women love lots of oral.

Maybe, but assuming that you've been telling him repeatedly and very clearly that YOU don't like lots of oral sex, including the fact that you go numb and can't enjoy sex after a marathon session, it's really odd that he would still believe that. (You have been absolutely explicit, right? If you framed it as "less oral makes it better for me" and not "this much oral makes me numb and I can't come", he may think you're being selfless or coy.)

I'd rather not assume that your boyfriend is just being supremely selfish about his pleasure over yours, especially as you indicate that this is a longterm relationship that is satisfying in many ways. Maybe he just really, really loves you, and feels compelled to demonstrate this at length, even over your objections.

If you share some kinks, you're both probably up for a little role-playing. Maybe you can make cunnilingus part of a slow, sensual opening ritual for sex, but stage it so that it goes on only for a relatively short time. And if he's the kind of guy who doesn't mind going down on you after he comes in you (and, of course, after you've had a chance to come), maybe there can be a closing ceremony as well.
posted by wexford_arts at 6:22 PM on May 2

If you've told him unequivocally that you don't want him to do it at all, then confrontation is necessary. But I think you haven't told him you don't like it at all. It sounds like you've been gentle in saying how he can do it 'better," as in being softer or drier. It's very possible right now he is assuming he is just bad at it and you want him to get "better." But you don't. You want him just not to do it. Tell him that, either in bed or out of bed. Better yet, tell him something else to do...
posted by ALongDecember at 6:24 PM on May 2

But it's really getting in the way of my pleasure. What's the best compromise?

Don't comprise on your pleasure, so stop letting things, like an over eager boyfriend, get in the way of it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:31 PM on May 2 [1 favorite]

Forktine nails it. No pun intended. Tell him that YOUR pleasure is just as important as his, and it's not derived from cunnilingus. And then enforce that. Unless he's tying you up, you can easily stop him. A good knee to the chest and he won't be doing that anymore.
posted by desjardins at 6:38 PM on May 2

yeah, i agree with above recommendations. you need to sit him down, not at sex time, and talk to him about this. he needs to know that it's not pleasant for you, that you don't enjoy it, and that it ruins your night. tell him that you know that he loves doing it and that you will be happy to provide it for him on special occasions (like his birthday).
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:00 PM on May 2

Maybe you should have him listen to Loveline... They talk about this problem pretty regularly. Maybe a medical doctor explaining it would help it sink in. Hell, call in together.
posted by magikker at 7:02 PM on May 2

Have you been absolutely and explicitly clear about why (including the UTI part) you don't want him to go down on you?

There are many well-meaning guys out there who have been told that all women love cunnilingus, but many women are adverse to practicing it because they think their vaginal/vulva areas are nasty, horrible, poisonous, dirty places. Normally, it is GREAT when a guy has an understanding of these insecurities and is willing to try to help his lady to work past them so he can give her a good time. But in your case, he may too well-meaning and assuming your protests are out of shame and not that you seriously want him to keep his face out from between your legs.
posted by schroedinger at 7:03 PM on May 2 [3 favorites]

Lots of good advice right here. Have him read this thread.
posted by trip and a half at 7:10 PM on May 2

Normally I'd agree that you need to talk to him about this when you're not having sex and just be clear that you don't like it but .. reading your question it looks like you've done this already. So now you need to be more direct. Start saying no and asking him to stop every time you're not enjoying it. Give immediate feedback right then, no ambiguity, concrete consequences to doing what you asked him not to, and most of all stop letting him do it when you're not enjoying it. Based on your question I know you can do this without being hurtful. Hopefully by being clear in your boundaries he'll get the message that this is important to you and start listening to your explanations. More likely you also need another non-sex-time conversation about respect and expectations as Forktine describes. I just think it might have more weight once you stop giving in as right now he might be getting kind of mixed messages.

Once you have boundaries in place and he understands your side of the issue then yeah, compromise makes sense. Since he really likes it then you probably should let him have a go now and then, but with restrictions on how often and how long you can deal with it. I'm sure between the two of you you can find a balance particularly as it sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise. But this isn't going to happen while he ignores your feelings and doesn't quite understand your viewpoint, so get that sorted first.
posted by shelleycat at 7:49 PM on May 2 [1 favorite]

On the off chance that this is an honest-to-god fetish of his, and not just a misguided attempt to please you, you still may have some other options. Use fingers; let boy lick fingers. Use toy; let boy lick toy. Etcetera.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:50 PM on May 2 [2 favorites]

schroedinger nailed it. Men get all these "hurf durf only 1 in 20 women can orgasm from intercourse" and similar messages drilled into them from the time they hit their late teens, and from there the ones that don't get totally sucked into the internet porn whirlpool where women orgasm left and right from rough thrusting end up neurotic and more or less unable to perform. Completely a case of mixed messages. Nthing sitting him down in a neutral setting and just explaining things to him. Unintented bonus: You having anything with the word "infection" in it anywhere near your vagina is basically enough incentive for him to stop going down on you by itself.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:52 PM on May 2

Yeah, I agree with schroedinger and inspector.gadget. Cunnilingus is so hyped as the only (or at least best) way for women to reach orgasm, that I think a lot of men have, with the very best of intentions, internalized it as the thing they Must Do for the Woman They Love -- even when confronted with said woman's protestations (especially if you're still "letting him" do it). Like you, I'm of the opinion that when it comes to oral sex, 'tis better to give than receive. But this has, at times, taken some serious insistence on my part (after assorted moments of frustration and hurt feelings) to drive home the point that no, really, it just doesn't happen to be my thing.

So explain again (lovingly but clearly) in a neutral moment that you really, truly don't want to receive oral sex. Tell him the Cosmo covers lie; not all women need it to reach orgasm, and not all women even like it. Then, to let him know that you're serious, give him fair warning that the next time he tries to go down on you, you will not let him continue. (And follow through if it comes -- ahem -- to that.) That may be the only way to finally make it clear that you're serious.

Above all, assure him you love getting off with him in any other way, and that on the rare occasions you might want him to go down on you, you will ask him. But till then, ne'er the cooch and the mouth shall meet.
posted by scody at 8:43 PM on May 2 [1 favorite]

I agree with what everyone else has said...but his rinsing with a mouthwash before he starts going down on you might cut down the risk of the UTIs.
posted by brujita at 9:39 PM on May 2

"rinsing with a mouthwash before he starts going down on you might cut down the risk of the UTIs"

...this can increase risk of yeast infection, allergic reaction, and even numbness if done within 30min of use and/or before mouth has been rinsed well with water.
posted by batmonkey at 10:58 PM on May 2 [1 favorite]

follow-up from the OP

Lots of good advice. Thanks!
Just to be clear: I like a little bit of oral sex ocassionally. Just not as much as my partner would like to give me. This would be easy to solve if I just told him no, never, none! but neither of us want that.

I like the idea that it's a general message men internalize (MUST GO DOWN), not that he's just doing what an ex liked. Keeping that idea in my head will make it alot easier to talk to him without getting upset. It might even be a bonafide fetish but I hadn't thought of satisfying it other ways. Cool. Real good advice here!

Thanks for all the responses. Especially, thanks for how thoughtful and respectful the advice was. Even the advice that wasn't quite right was helpful, by helping me focus on the points that really matter to me. And you helped me figure out how to be clearer when I talk to him about this again.

I'm impressed and surprised by the responses. Thanks, AskMetafilter!

posted by jessamyn at 11:36 PM on May 2

Use the "shamu" method: loudly praise and enjoy the "P in V" sex. Don't say a word about the eating out.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:16 AM on May 3 [1 favorite]

From the other side of the spectrum (met a boy who didn't like fellatio) I have to say that once the ego-bruising is done with, it's not a big deal. The biggest problem is now I get bored because if I can't deliver pleasure via one avenue I feel kinda shut off, like "How can I make you feel good?"

I suggest spending some quality time in bed just playing around and exploring and letting him know, explicitly or implicitly, an alternative method of foreplay that you enjoy. Saying, "Stop, stop right now" is going to leave him with the same drive (to please you) and no way to satisfy it.
posted by reebear at 9:57 AM on May 3

Regarding the UTI, try peeing after sex. The urine helps flush out adventurous bacteria.
posted by mausburger at 11:53 AM on May 6