She loved me longer time than the others

May 2, 2008 3:48 PM

I've only ever had excellent sex with ONE girl. The sex was amazing and totally mind blowing. I've slept with about 30 girls, why just this one?

In the bedroom, I'm abnormally normal. My favorite position is the classic missionary position, I'm not particularly big on blowjobs and I have no interest in anal or anything else. I also do not use my tongue, and find the idea a bit off-turning. Yes, I'm abnormally classic.

Over the last 3-4 years, I've slept with about 30 girls. 3-4 of them where somewhat longer term girlfriends. The sex was always good, very enjoyable, like an episode of Friends.

But with the girl, doing exactly the same missionary position, nothing kinky at all, the sex was all like clutching at each other, passionate, moaning and so on.

I'd have thought that maybe this would happen if I fell in love or was somehow extra attracted to the girl, but actually, I was about as attracted to this girl as all the others. I'm not in love with her, she does not shower me with affection or anything particularly special.

It's all so normal - why was she the one with whom the sex was so good? Does this happen sometimes? Can you be sexually very compatible with someone and be emotionally neutral to them? Or am I secretly in love with her and I just don't realise it?

(I'm no longer with her, she lives far away now, and no chance of us ever getting back together. I don't really want that either, I just want to have the same type of sex with someone else.)

posted by anonymous to human relations (26 comments total)

Have you considered the "fit" of your various naughty bits? Could it be possible that she was a tighter fit for you and that helped make it more passionate?

It might also just have something to do with your chemistry. Sometimes people just work and there's no explaining it.

Two of your descriptors seem like they could be easily repeatable to see if you can have that kind of sex with someone else. So next time try to be more clutchy/moany and see if it helps makes things more passionate.
posted by Elminster24 at 4:28 PM on May 2, 2008

Yes, sometimes you just "click" sexually with someone. My guess is that it's some combination of hormones and anatomy and emotions and timing, but who knows? And yes, it is confusing and odd when that sexual spark happens with someone with whom you don't have much of a real connection -- sometimes it is that very incompatibility that adds the needed friction to the relationship, perhaps.

I don't think that there is one definitive answer to how you can replicate this, but here are some partial or possible pieces to an answer:

-- Making it good for her makes it good for you. Everyone will tell you to learn to use your tongue, and that's good advice. But if you have a real phobia about that or something, at least learn to use your fingers and thighs and other parts like no one else on earth. A lot of women (though not all) need a lot of foreplay to really get going before you go sticking it in; sometimes the foreplay is the main attraction and the intercourse is just dessert. The more ready she is, and the more her world is being rocked, the better the sex will be for you.

-- Emotions can make the sex better. For many people (but hardly all), the sex gets better as the emotional connection gets deeper. If that's you, then don't sleep with people with whom there is zero "spark," and when you do sleep with someone spend more time getting to know them first. Get those nice emotional chemicals going in your blood, and let that intensify the sex.

-- Learn how to move your hips. You know how the stereotypical uptight white guy nerd in a movie dances, all stiff from neck to knees, jerking his arms at the elbows? Don't screw like that guy dances. Learn how to rotate your hips, both side/side and back/front. Get good at figure eights and other movements. You want to be able to make your hips get busy without the rest of your body having to move around. The easy way to learn this is with dancing, but you could just work on it in the sack if you have a patient partner. Here is a YouTube video of a woman doing some serious hip rolls -- if you can learn to do it half as well as this, you will have some very happy partners.

-- Anatomy matters. Read up on "coital alignment" -- a fancy name for figuring out the concept that getting your angle, movement, and position just right can make all the difference for her. Experiment with, and get good at, the seemingly minor variations (like, up on your arms vs down flat against her body; legs apart or together; etc) that can feel totally different.

-- Expand your repertoire. You don't have to be Mr Kinkster to find a lot of pleasure in a basic set of sexual positions and techniques. Everyone is different, and some women really need a certain position for intercourse to be mind-blowing for them. Even if it isn't your 100% absolute favorite thing, learn to be good with at least the basic set of positions (you on top, she on top, doggy style, etc), and get good at a few things that aren't intercourse (mouth, hands, massage, story-telling, dress-up, whatever floats her boat). You may need to return to missionary for you to come (everyone has their standby positions), but you might need to spend part of the time in some other position for her to have a great time.

-- Pace, rhythm, and speed aren't just for music. It's not just about your "stamina," if you know what I mean. Once you've gotten those hip rolls working, the next step is getting the tempo right -- reading her cues for whether you need to step it up, or keep it steady, or make things unpredictable.
posted by Forktine at 4:28 PM on May 2, 2008 [9 favorites]

For most people, there's a recursive aspect to sexual pleasure: the more your partner is enjoying it, the more you will, and vice versa. Are the other partners enjoying it?

Here's the thing: your question doesn't give us a clue about how the other 29 women have responded to your technique. It only asks about your pleasure, and delineates the things you will not do.

If (disclaimer: that's an "if" there, since I cannot tell from your question) all you're doing is a missionary mount & thrust, then it sounds like you lucked into finding one of the rare women who is actually satisfied by that, and that there was a recursive effect wherein her satisfaction fed yours, and so on, around and around.

If (see above!) that same mount & thrust leaves most of your partners cold, that's not terribly surprising, which would explain why they're not responding by "all like clutching at [you], passionate, moaning and so on."

But perhaps I misread your statement that "I also do not use my tongue, and find the idea a bit off-turning." It's certainly possible to be a generous lover without performing oral sex. If you aren't already finding manual ways to please your partners (and each partner will be a little different!), doing so should dramatically increase your own sexual pleasure.

If you're confident that you are satisfying your sexual partners, it might be simple chemistry: you happened upon someone with whom you had a fantastic rapport, for whatever reason, and maybe that will happen again. More likely, maybe you can build a fantastical rapport with someone. It's work, but (as you know) it's worth it.

You ask: "Can you be sexually very compatible with someone and be emotionally neutral to them?" The answer is oh, hell, yes. You can even harbor antipathy toward someone and be very sexually compatible with them, which explains a lot of the terrible relationships in the world. For some people, sex and love travel together. For some people, they do not.
posted by Elsa at 4:30 PM on May 2, 2008 [3 favorites]

I also do not use my tongue, and find the idea a bit off-turning

Well I think that hotness is a two-way street and you might want to rethink your above statement as one possible way to increase said hotness which might improve the odds of things being "excellent." Just a thought.
posted by donovan at 4:32 PM on May 2, 2008 [3 favorites]

In the bedroom, I'm abnormally normal. I'm not particularly big on blowjobs and I have no interest in anal or anything else. I also do not use my tongue, and find the idea a bit off-turning.

I wouldn't say that; I'd say you're abnormally unadventurous. Okay, anal is not on a lot of people's agenda. But you don't use your tongue? That's not adventurous, it's required for good sex. Part of the problem is almost certainly that you're so vanilla and unwilling to do, well, anything that the sex isn't that great for your partner. If the sex isn't great for your partner, it probably won't be very good for you either.

I suggest loosening up in the bedroom and seeing if the rest doesn't follow. Your partners will almost certainly enjoy themselves more. When your partners are enjoying themselves more, you will too.
posted by Justinian at 4:39 PM on May 2, 2008 [6 favorites]

Okay, anal is not on a lot of people's agenda.

Only about 40% of men, 35% of women.

No one's saying you need to stick anything up your butt, or up your partner's butt, but what you are calling "normal" and what your partners are expecting as a routing part of good sex may be quite different. One way or another, you have to make sure you are meeting your partner's needs; that may take going slightly outside your comfort zone while you nail it down, so to speak.
posted by Forktine at 4:52 PM on May 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Have you considered that she was faking it? That the clutching and passionate moaning wasn't real, but it turned you on anyway?
posted by kuujjuarapik at 5:04 PM on May 2, 2008 [3 favorites]

I also do not use my tongue, and find the idea a bit off-turning.

There's something called "dental dams"...

Plus, not every woman's hoo-hah smells like a trash can in a Red Lobster's kitchen. I hope you know that.

And, what's wrong with recieving oral and giving anal? It a girl winds up pregnant, you'll know it's not you! If you give anal, just make sure she's experienced. She'll be in less pain, and she'll less likely drop a deuce on your wang.

Give it a try, man.
posted by sixcolors at 5:15 PM on May 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

If you give anal, just make sure she's experienced.

And you read up on it, go slow, and use lots--LOTS--of lube.
posted by donovan at 5:24 PM on May 2, 2008

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice in the thread so far, read all of it. I just wanted to reiterate a point that Elminster24 made - fit. Women's genitalia come in different shapes and sizes just the same way men's do. Not just the vagina but everything. This isn't generally acknowledged as far as I can tell and it can make quite a big difference. If the respective parts fit together better, not just tighter but how various bits rub against each other and whatnot, then it can have quite a difference. So maybe that one time things just physically fit together well?

There are ways to improve on fit even if you're not the perfect physical match, changing up the angles and movement etc. Forktine has good advice on that front.
posted by shelleycat at 5:26 PM on May 2, 2008

"If you give anal, just make sure she's experienced. She'll be in less pain, and she'll less likely drop a deuce on your wang."

Wow, that's some misguided advice. I'd provide some links to back up my point, but I'm at work. Maybe someone else can help me out. For starters, it's not her "experience" that really matters---it's about taking your time and making sure you're both enjoying it.

Also, as people have mentioned above, and as Dan Savage advocates, most people consider oral to be standard. You might want to take a look through the Savage Love archives or listen to the podcast for some perspective.
posted by hulahulagirl at 5:29 PM on May 2, 2008

[a few comments removed, if you can't comment without being a sniggering dork, don't.]
posted by jessamyn at 5:42 PM on May 2, 2008

If you've slept with 30 women in the past 4 years and only found sex with one to be particularly enjoyable, maybe it's you? I'm pretty vanilla myself and what you describe as sex sounds boring--you don't seem aware of your partner's pleasure at all. Sex is way more enjoyable when both parties are into it.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 6:01 PM on May 2, 2008 [5 favorites]

Seconding the unadventurous bit.

I think the reason you're not having good sex is because you're not even having it all.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 6:11 PM on May 2, 2008

why was she the one with whom the sex was so good?

Thats impossible to answer here, as we know nothing of how the relationship developed, so I'll chalk it up to extreme sexual compatibility.

Does this happen sometimes?

If you're lucky

Can you be sexually very compatible with someone and be emotionally neutral to them?

Yes


Or am I secretly in love with her and I just don't realise it?


Possibly, but only you can answer that.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:35 PM on May 2, 2008

What if you may have idealized that one experience to the point that you have convinced yourself nothing can live up to it? In fact, 10-1 if you were with that girl today - it wouldn't be the mind-blowing experience you remember. Just a thought.
posted by Gerard Sorme at 7:02 PM on May 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Or am I secretly in love with her and I just don't realise it?

There is no sexual spider-sense that enables you to insert your penis and test the depth of True Love involved in the relationship.

However, it's entirely possible that you were secretly in some level of lust with her, and possibly she with you as well. Hormones are what they are; attempting to use them as a benchmark of your psychological state is inaccurate at best and dangerous at worst.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:53 PM on May 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure that someone who describes watching "Friends" as "very enjoyable" and furthermore compares said level of enjoyment to even just "good" sex can even know what "mind-blowing" is.

That, combined with your non-enjoyment of blowjobs (WHAT?) leads me to believe you're missing something here. Perhaps you should work on cultivating a more active fantasy life?

Also, and perhaps more important, you need to at least think about taking care of your partner. Others make the point above, but not forcefully enough: you are not "abnormally normal" or "abnormally classic." You are colossally boring. Have you noticed your partners doing their taxes or something while you go about your business? Wake up and make an effort and you both might get more into it.
posted by lackutrol at 11:21 PM on May 2, 2008

The sex was always good, very enjoyable, like an episode of Friends.

I'm going to have nightmares about that sentence.

Seconding the above about whether or not you even satisfied the other 29. That's probably the whole difference, here.
posted by rokusan at 12:07 AM on May 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

There's very little to go on here, it's a question no one can really answer for you, and I'm trying not to let my own preferences color my answer. But honestly though, I just kind of think this girl was faking it.
posted by crabintheocean at 12:47 AM on May 3, 2008

I think ppl are being a little harsh and judgemental in their comments but yes I agree it does sound like your sexual imagination is under-developed compared to others. That is ok. But if this is something you want to change I would suggest going and seeing a sex therapist. We are at too far a distance to be able to give you helpful advice. A sex therapist will be able to address your individual case.

posted by Sitegeist at 3:48 AM on May 3, 2008

Forgive my candour, but it's possible that you've had ho-hum sex with 30 women because your unusual paucity of sexual imagination and technique is resulting in sex that bores most of your partners. The women you're sleeping with are likely not getting enough foreplay or excitement to be sufficiently turned on (they're not moaning, clutching at you etc).

However, that one woman you mentioned did get really turned on with you. Perhaps she likes the same sort of sex as you; perhaps she's easily aroused. Maybe she felt real chemistry with you in a way that the other women didn't (or yes, okay, maybe she was faking it.) Whatever the reason, she got really turned on. Her display of arousal turned you on. And so on.

If my theory is correct, the good news is: you can have this sort of thrilling sex more often if you're willing to change the way you approach sex. For example, you say that you find the idea of cunnilingus off-putting. Would you be willing to challenge your own (perhaps untested?) opinion of the act if you knew that you could make women obscenely, pantingly, aroused by doing down on them? I'm not saying that cunnilingus is a magic recipe for great sex, but it is a pretty basic ingredient. Most women can't come with just penetrative sex, let alone missionary position only.

But your aversion to cunnilingus isn't even the most telling clue in your post - your reluctance to experiment or bust open your limited sexual boundaries is a big red flag. I'm not saying you need to explore fetishes or get super-freaky (not that there's anything wrong with that). But if you just spent the same amount of effort in bed as you do getting the women into bed, you'll start to make progress.

The key to great sex is to focus on your partner's pleasure. And it's never too late to start learning new things.
posted by hot soup girl at 5:52 AM on May 3, 2008

A classic conundrum of sex -- sometimes the best sex is with people with whom the emotional connection is meh. There is no answer to this conundrum, other than to recognize that when you find good sex plus good emotional connection you have a really valuable combination not to be tossed lightly.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:36 AM on May 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

[comment removed - this is not a thread about poop.]
posted by jessamyn at 11:14 AM on May 3, 2008

Having been the girl in a situation REALLY similar to this VERY recently I can say I think a few things were at play here.

#1 – Other factors in the relationship probably contributed to the sex, even if only from her viewpoint. Connection, attraction, her feelings for you, her level of passion … I can’t really say more than that, not knowing details of your relationship, but it is most likely true.

#2 – Your physical “fit” as a couple is almost certainly a factor.

#3 – She probably didn’t enjoy it as much as you did. Not saying this to be mean or insulting. It’s just very likely. And even more likely that you wouldn’t know if it was or was not.

I don’t think lust was really a factor here, because you don’t sound like a very lusty or passionate guy. One thing that could help you is to become a little more in tune with your own feelings. Your heart is not playing tricks with your head. You either love someone, or you don’t. It may take a while for you to figure out how you feel, but you should be able to figure it out.

In my experience with my previous relationship, we had pretty decent plain-vanilla sex. It wasn’t mind-blowing, but he seemed to think so on occasion. I think it actually had a lot to do with new-dating excitement in the beginning (I hadn’t been with anyone in a while), which turned into long-distance longing when I moved away.

Even though I personally was left a little unsatisfied, I was thinking that other aspects of the relationship were naturally more important, so I conceded that point and concentrated on the others. The guy I was dating turned out to be a very cold, almost mean, man, which I might have noticed earlier if I was paying more attention to the boring, selfish-on-his-part sex. It really was a cue for how he behaved outside of the bedroom as well.

I say all these things to drive home the point that others have made … You are either going to have to switch up your sexual menu, keep dating girls that are extremely patient and undemanding (and difficult to come by), or find someone sexually immature that just doesn’t know to ask for more than you are willing to give. In other words, mind-blowing, plain-vanilla sex might as well be the Loch Ness Monster.

If you want to have amazing sex, maybe try to be more connected with the girl you are having sex with. 30 girls in 3-4 years is kind of a lot. You can’t have been dating these girls for a long time. It can take days, weeks or months for a new couple to really get comfortable with each other, and to find their fit, their rhythm, their sexual compatibility. This is something that can’t be predicted.

My suggestion for finding mind-blowing sex:
Find one girl, that you really like, more than just average, and practice – a LOT. :)
posted by KissesGalore at 10:20 PM on May 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

How the hell do you score ten women a year when you don't even go down? That's what I want to know.

(No advice on the rest, really... I tend to think fit is just this ineffable thing, and what you ought to do is follow some kind of rational search algorithm to find those with whom you fit...)

One possibility is that so much of this extra fucking was, e.g., drunk, or otherwise messed up. Drunk sex = often bad sex.
posted by paultopia at 9:21 AM on May 5, 2008