Comments on: Oh, so you're a [insert profession here]! How [insert whacky generalization and misguided curiosity here]?

Question: Oh, so you're a [insert profession here]! How [insert whacky generalization and misguided curiosity here]?

iamkimiam — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:02:09 -0800

What is the first question people ask when you tell them what you do? Are there common misconceptions or generalizations that people make? How do you tactfully and/or humorously correct them? For example:
"So, you're a linguist eh? How many languages do you speak?"

I'm interested in good, helpful responses to the above example, as well as parallel constructions to other fields/hobbies/interests that are commonly misunderstood. Also, factual and scientific background information about why these generalizations occur and some good face-saving techniques (for everybody) would be useful.

Thanks!

By: greta simone

greta simone — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:05:16 -0800

"So you're a social worker huh? Do you have to take people's kids away from them all the time?"

By: Karmic_Enigma

Karmic_Enigma — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:05:18 -0800

Usually it's "Can you read my email?"

And of course, the answer is yes, I can, if you happen to work at my company, but knowing how many people work here, it's highly unlikely I ever will unless Legal asks me to archive your email for some reason.

By: oflinkey

oflinkey — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:08:30 -0800

It used to be...

Me: "I teach English Education."

Person: "Good, kids need to read some more/Geez I hated Shakespeare/English was my least favorite requirement in college..."

Me: "Well, its more like I teach English teachers how to be English teachers."

Person: "...oh."

I now just skip to the teach teachers part.

By: chesty_a_arthur

chesty_a_arthur — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:14:11 -0800

From a former life: "You're a librarian?" and then select one or more of the following:
-I should be a librarian! I love to read!
-Blah blah Dewey Decimal System blah!
-I have a really overdue library book!
-Blah blah Shush! blah blah!
-Why do we need those, when everything's on Google?

By: chesty_a_arthur

chesty_a_arthur — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:15:05 -0800

Oops, meant to answer the second half: I never did figure out a good rejoinder. Everything sounded either rude or didactic or both.

By: ThePinkSuperhero

ThePinkSuperhero — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:15:07 -0800

I used to make the mistake of trying to explain to people what my company does. 99% have no idea (it's a small, specialized corner of an industry a lot of people don't understand to begin with), and a lot of people don't even pretend to care enough to listen and learn (even though they were the ones that asked- so annoying). I have now modified my approach by explaining what *I* do- I manage our internal operations, I oversee this, that and the other thing, I train new staff members, etc. This allows people to smile and nod and understand enough so the topic can pass.

By: klanawa

klanawa — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:19:32 -0800

me: "i'm a programmer"
whomever: "oh, i have an old computer that needs..."
me: "no"

By: klanawa

klanawa — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:21:23 -0800

also, my girlfriend is working on a masters in fine arts which involves a manuscript of poems on a certain set social/natural issues.

she just says, "i'm a student."

By: rhys

rhys — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:22:49 -0800

"I work in drug discovery."

"Can I have some?"

- or -

"I develop software."

"Do you work for Microsoft?"

- or -

"I help scientists analyze their data, and manage it. We screen thousands of chemical compounds against different proteins to see which ones have an effect on the functioning of those proteins."

(either) "Oh." (or) "You must be smart/that sounds hard" (or) "Oh really? I'm in (this field) and we do (this), which sounds similar."

I think people mainly try to relate what they hear from you to something that they have prior knowledge of. Depending on their field, their prior knowledge may be what they read about or see on tv, the top company or person in your field, or they may have some deeper way to connect to what you do.

This seems to be just the way our brains think about the world, nothing more. If you've never seen an airplane, you're likely to think that it's a big bird, not wonder about whether it's jet or piston-engine powered. All you have to go on is your past experience.

If there's genuine interest in learning more about my field, then we have a discussion. If there's not, we usually move to a different topic of conversation. I don't have a burning desire to talk shop most of the time, so it's not usually an issue.

By: cgg

cgg — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:22:53 -0800

Me: "I'm a software developer.".
People: "Oh, you know computers? My computer is really slow... can you fix it?"
Me: [inward sigh...] "I probably could, but that's not really my job."

At this point, they either ask me what my job is then (which is fine), or try to convince me to take a crack at fixing their spyware-infested, bogged down Windows box for free anyway, in this one conversation if at all possible. I really need a collection of good ways to get of these situations more gracefully that "oh hey, there's so-and-so, excuse me...".

By: Detuned Radio

Detuned Radio — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:26:14 -0800

ME: I'm the Director of Communications (of a large health & fitness related company).

THEM: Oh, really - what do you do in that job role?

(It's a complicated job, filled with many responsibilities and projects ranging from marketing & advertising, to our website, to internal & PR communications, to written materials, to presentations and proposals, to company-wide IT issues...)

ME: Well, I'm sort of the Swiss Army Knife of the company - I do many things for many people, especially when those things are most needed.

By: adamrice

adamrice — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:27:33 -0800

Mostly when people ask me what I do, I answer "I just try to stay out of trouble." Giving a straight answer to the question derails any conversation for 5 minutes.

By: Oriole Adams

Oriole Adams — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:28:12 -0800

I'm a writer/editor, and I specialize in trivia (trivial facts books, calendars, board games, etc). About 85% of the time when I answer "I'm a writer" to the question "What do you do?" the response is "Oh, I've always wanted to write! How do you get into it? Can you help me?" If I'm in a patient mood, I'll explain that they have to start out like everyone else, writing samples and spending out query letters. (When they admit they don't know what a query letter is, they I recommend they get a copy of The Writer's Market.) I'll close the conversation by explaining writing, like everything else, takes work and practice. They wouldn't meet a dentist at a party and say "Oh, I've always wanted to drill a tooth, can you help me out?", would they?)

By: seanyboy

seanyboy — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:28:32 -0800

What cgg said with a smattering of
"Oh, I don't really understand computers. You must be really smart."

By: cabingirl

cabingirl — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:31:21 -0800

When I was a chemistry tutor, I used to get "Really? I hated chemistry." quite alot.

By: Detuned Radio

Detuned Radio — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:32:11 -0800

As far as the second part of the question goes...

I think deflecting, self-effacing, anecdotal kind of responses are best. It they are asking because they are sincerely interested, the right kind of questions will be asked (sincere, probing questions instead of ones based on stereotypes or ignorance) and you won't find yourself in that awkward situation.
But if you do find yourself faced with that situation, it's more than likely because the person is just looking to make small-talk, conversation, or is feigning interest. In such cases, I think something humorous that sort of parries the question is best. After all, do they really want the long answer?

By: xotis

xotis — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:32:14 -0800

I'm a Project Manager for the website of a major retailer.

I get "Oh, you're a project manager? So what exactly do you do?"

I then explain some popular feature on our website, and how it's people like me that hold all of the internal resources' hands to guide them through the process of completing it.

By: cabingirl

cabingirl — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:32:19 -0800

Mostly when people ask me what I do, I answer "I just try to stay out of trouble."

My boyfriend's answer is "Whatever they tell me to do." Similar effect.

By: backseatpilot

backseatpilot — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:32:50 -0800

I used to answer, "I'm an aeronautical engineer" but then I got depressed by how many people don't know what "aeronautical" means or refers to. So, now I'm a mechanical engineer. This is invariably followed by, "What do you work on?"

My current and previous jobs are both difficult to explain, so I try to keep it short - I work on avionics or I work on satellite systems. Again, though, not many people understand what "avionics" means (or satellite systems, apparently...), so this drives them to ask more questions. At this point I give a huge sigh, explain what avionics are and how I fit in to that role, in addition to the definition of a systems engineer (my actual title) and the inner workings of engineering firms.

At the end of this, they usually look pretty glassy-eyed. They generally don't ask about my job ever again.

By: lacedback

lacedback — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:37:23 -0800

I think a face-saving response is a small smile and short laugh as if the person is surely kidding, then go on to say what you really do as if the person must already know it. I'm a teacher, so my parallel situation is usually something like this:

"Oh, you teach! Must be nice having the summer off."
---does smile and laughing thing--
"Well, have to make up for the 12 hour days and take our extra accreditation sometime!"

By: elendil71

elendil71 — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:37:23 -0800

I'm an archaeologist, among other things. I once worked for the Forest Service and we all had to take turns doing public service stuff, donning the 'Smokey the Bear' outfit and giving talks to kids about what we do at campfires etc. I got the same question every single time; "Cool! How many dinosaurs have you found?"

One time the question came up and I was just about ready to correct the wee tyke when one of his 10 year old comrades piped up, "That's paleontology, you jerk. Archaeology is people." I could have hugged him.

So other than responding to the inevitable Indiana Jones quips (no I dont carry a whip and being chased by relentless Nazis is kinda rare these days, but I do have a fedora) that's the most common misconception I address.

By: Ugh

Ugh — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:39:45 -0800

In a former life..

"I'm a professional nanny."
"Do you and the Dad flirt/have sex/have an affair?"

??? Happened constantly.

By: jamesonandwater

jamesonandwater — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:41:35 -0800

I work as a consultant within the construction industry, which always raises questions because I'm a woman. How many women I work with, do I go on site, blah blah. A lot of people don't understand professional, large project construction and think of men in hard hats. Sometimes I get asked about home maintenance too (!). Like cabingirl and adamrice, I try to deflect it as much as possible. I don't particularly want to talk about my job when I'm not there, and most people aren't overly interested anyway.

By: gaspode

gaspode — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:45:46 -0800

I'm a post-doc working in the field of reproductive neuroendocrinology. I tend to try and evaluate the person's level of interest and/or knowledge before I even tell them what I do, and try and pitch my answer appropriately. For some people saying "I'm a scientist" will answer the question and not engender any follow ups. For others, that's an invitation to a load of questions about the discipline and my research topic etc. etc., so I try and answer more specifically straight off the bat.

I can't wait until I (hopefully) get a position somewhere and can just answer "I'm a biology professor". People seem to understand that more.

Oh, and when the inevitable comment about basic research happens, I just shrug and say "yep, I really like torturing rats, it's the whole reason I got into this field."

By: Greg Nog

Greg Nog — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:46:47 -0800

I work at a cancer research center, so I often get asked some variant of, "So are you gonna cure cancer?" I usually make a derisive "Pfft" noise, and say, "Man, I already cured like three kinds of it this morning before lunch."

By: sweetkid

sweetkid — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:47:16 -0800

I'm an account/project manager in technology, and people usually think account manager =accountant. So they go on and on about how they're not good with numbers, or taxes this year really kicked their ass. wtf?

By: TedW

TedW — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:47:52 -0800

"I'm an anesthesiologist"

"Oh, so you put people to sleep for a living"

"Actually, I wake them up for a living."

Other common misconceptions are that I am not a physician, that I am an employee of whatever surgeon I am working with, and how much training (4 years of college, 4 of medical school, and 4 of residency, plus maybe a fellowship thrown in there) it takes to become an anesthesiologist. I enjoy explaining what I do to people though, so am happy to clear things up.

By: ROU_Xenophobe

ROU_Xenophobe — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:50:26 -0800

"I teach political science."

"Oh. What office do you run for?"
--or--
"What do you think about this political race for an obscure local office nine towns away? Isn't this person that no one who wasn't born within 5 miles of the town would ever have heard of just a shoo-in?"
--or--
"Let me explain my unified field theory of politics to you. It all starts with the masons..."

I don't tactfully correct them. If I get the sense that someone is likely to ask with such a question, I first answer "I work at the university" and follow up, if asked, with "I build and test mathematical models of internal legislative rule systems." This dissuades such questions, but does sometimes lead to "Why does anyone care about that?"

By: crazylegs

crazylegs — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:51:31 -0800

them: "what do you do?"
me: "I'm a graduate student."
them: "oh, what are you writing about?"
me: "my dissertation is a comparative study of the roles of death, desire and the body in Tibetan Buddhism, Surrealism, and Georges Bataille."
them: "..."
me: *sigh*

By: carabiner

carabiner — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:53:24 -0800

I used to tell people I study H5N1 (avian influenza) - the Asian strain that has mutated from being only found in mammals (birds, etc.) to human hosts and subsequently causing problems worldwide. The most common responses I get are followed by glassy eyed stares: "Are we going to die soon?", "That only is a problem in birds right?" (sigh), "I thought vaccines took care of that?" (also sigh).

Now I just say I'm a grad student. I don't even try to tell them about how my research is based in Environmental Health and/or Infectious Disease.

By: cmyr

cmyr — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:53:43 -0800

People: so what do you do?
me: mostly whatever the fuck i want
[people go talk to someone else]

By: frobozz

frobozz — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:54:22 -0800

Retail/grocery management: "I was a bag boy as a teenager"/"I could never work in retail; how do you stand it?"/"I thought you went to graduate school, what happened to that?" If I feel like it, I explain that I think it's interesting and enjoyable to work with wide segments of the public, and that most of my job is behind-the-scenes stuff anyway. I've had a couple of harangues on the rising costs of food as well, which I didn't really reply to; I'm not really interested in giving people a lecture on why food prices are rising when they're not concerned enough to inform themselves.

By: 100watts

100watts — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:55:16 -0800

Chesty nailed what I would've answered for being a librarian.

By: showbiz_liz

showbiz_liz — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:56:44 -0800

My boyfriend does improv. It usually goes like this:

"I do improv comedy."
"Ooooh, a comedian! Say something funny!"
"No."

By: Mr Bunnsy

Mr Bunnsy — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:57:49 -0800

I guess I have it easy. I do online marketing.

"Oh, like banner ads?"

"Yup!" It's a little more complex than that but if people have humorous misconceptions, they keep them to themselves.

By: cider

cider — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:00:44 -0800

"You edit children's books? That must be easy... what do they have, like, ten words?"

or

"You're an editor? So you... correct the spelling?"

or

"Children's books, huh? So what do you think of the Harry Potter books?"

To the first, I usually say, "Actually, we publish a wide range of books, anything from tiny baby books up to long novels for teenagers." or else I say, "The shortest books are the most difficult -- choosing exactly the right words is harder than it seems."

To the second, I usually say, "I'm not a copyeditor -- they're the ones who do grammar and spelling. I work on the bigger-picture stuff with the author." I'm always happy to go on and explain in more detail, if the questioner is interested.

To the third, I usually laugh and say, "I liked them."

I used to study linguistics, and I got "How many languages do you speak?" ALL THE TIME. I usually said, "Well, three... but actually, linguistics isn't the study of many languages, it's the study of language in general -- how structures and sounds are similar and how they're different across languages." Usually people got the idea, I think.

By: spaceman_spiff

spaceman_spiff — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:10:56 -0800

I'm a computer science major. "Oh, so do you build computers or program them?" No, it's more about math. "Like calculus?" And philosophy and psychology. "What, like in Terminator?" Actually, more philosophy - what is truth and how do we represent it? "[blank stare] So ... you write software, then."

By: neilkod

neilkod — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:11:19 -0800

"Oh, so you're a philosopher?"

"Yes...I think very deeply"

By: BitterOldPunk

BitterOldPunk — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:14:08 -0800

"I'm a bartender."
"Oh, do you know how to make [Incredibly Obscure Cocktail]?"
"Sure. It's rum, pineapple juice and grenadine."
"No it isn't."
"It is if you order it from me."

By: Netzapper

Netzapper — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:17:43 -0800

I usually go with a metaphor:

Me: "I program computers."

Them: "Oh, really? My computer is all fucked up?"

M: "I doubt I'll be able to help you."

T: "Why not?"

M: "It's like a racecar driver. He can drive the fuck out of that car, but he hired a mechanic. I'm the same way. I can program the fuck out of a computer, but I still have to get the company IT guy when my internet isn't working."

This is, of course, a lie.

By: Ms. Informed

Ms. Informed — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:18:23 -0800

I'm a fiction writer, and in addition to what Oriole Adams mentioned above, I tend to get the following:

"Oh! You're a fiction writer? So is it really made up, or do you base it all on your own life?"

"Oh! You're a writer? I've always wanted to write a novel, but I've never had the time." (Because of course, TIME is all that it takes to write good fiction...)

"Oh! You're a writer? I have a great idea for a story you could write."

"Oh! You're a writer? Me too!"--followed by a description of the romance novel/memoir/self-help book they're working on. (Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with any of those genres, but they're pretty different from what I do, and it's hard to find common ground. So the conversation usually dies a slow, painful death.)

My favorite response was from a woman on a bus: "Oh! You're a writer? Well, I used to read a lot of those... whaddya call'em... fiction books, but now I mostly just read romance." And a good friend got this variation: "Oh! So whch do you write, children's books, or romance?"

These responses seem to arise from the sterotypes of fiction writers: all fiction is real life, with the names changed; anyone can (and should) write a book; etc. I'm not witty enough to respond in realtime--that's why I write stuff down!--so I usually just answer completely straight. Actually, I think almost everyone I've met is really impressed by the concept of Being A Writer (except maybe that woman on the bus), and they're honestly trying to show their interest. Reminding myself of that makes these conversations go a lot smoother.

By: JustKeepSwimming

JustKeepSwimming — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:19:33 -0800

I'm a playwright.

The normal response is "can you actually make money doing that?"

However, my favorite response was when I was getting a new driver's license at the DMV. I was finishing my degree at the time, and the DMV employee asked me what I was studying. I told him I was getting my BFA in playwriting.

He proceeded to call me a "playwrong."

I was pretty indignant at the time. "You work at the DMV and you're insulting my life choices?"

Now I find it pretty funny.

Also, I've noticed that if you aren't an actor or director in the theatre, people tend to not understand what you do. I've known lighting and costume designers to say "I design ___" to people, and the response is, "Someone gets paid to do that?"

By: activitystory

activitystory — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:21:56 -0800

I also always get the Dewey Decimal Classification question when folks find out that I'm a librarian, and until recently I had no other response than a bored smirk-- which I always hoped to serve as the visual analog to the wah-wah-waaaah trombone blast.

But a couple of weeks ago, I was at a comedy show, and a well-known comic struggling to fill time ventured out into the audience and asked me my name and what I did.

him: A librarian? Really? Do you guys still use that Dewey Decimal System?
me: (with a complete lack of enthusiasm) Dewey ever.
all but him: riotous laughter.

I was instantly mortified (not really knowing where that had come from), and he seemed a little shaken that I got the punch line, but I think that's my answer from now on. Of course, since I'm in an academic library, it's basically a lie, but I guarantee you that no one asking that question actually wants learn anything about your work.

By: R. Mutt

R. Mutt — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:27:00 -0800

I'm a visual artist with my own studio practice and career, and also a part time studio manager for a well known artist in NYC. It is fun and always interesting, but it is also a tough business. When I meet people outside of the creative world, I think their assumptions/delusions about artists and creative people often get the best of them. (I think this is a part of the reason creative people tend to stick together.) But recently I was at a wedding related to my SO's job, where I got the full range of responses to, "I am an artist."

1) "No way/cool/wow"

2) "You earn a living at that?" (Yes, I do.)

3) "Do you get to draw naked women?" ( Not since art school, and trust me, it is not all that exciting.)

4) "I paint too!" ( Often, very nice people say this, then blush.)

5) extended silence.......(I once had this happen on a plane - he was the Bishop from Cincinnati, if I remember correctly.)

6) An extended, unprovoked, completely uninformed monologue on why all "modern" art is bullshit. (I am usually torn between egging this on, and just ignoring it. Simply asking when he was last in a museum usually disarms the diatribe.)

I think the problem is that many people have no idea that working artists exist outside of New Yorker cartoons.

The only question that has ever bothered me is the "you earn a living at that?" one. (It seems to be consistently asked by the guy who turns out to be an investment banker. ) I've always wanted to say, "yes, I do.... and how much do you make a year?", but I never have.

By: hydropsyche

hydropsyche — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:27:47 -0800

--"I'm an ecologist" usually gets:
"So, you're an environmentalist?"

or

"So, you study pollution?"

My answers:
--"No, I'm a biologist. I study the functioning of stream ecosystems."

--"No, water pollution of the kind you're thinking of hasn't been much of a problem since we started enforcing the Clean Water Act twenty-five years ago."

If I go on to explain that I study the production and consumption of carbon in streams, they ask what use that is and how that's going to help me fix pollution. etc.

I don't have a clever handy rejoinder. If people seem genuinely sincere in appreciating that I do something pleasant, I just politely let them think whatever they want to think. If they ask me what they can do to stop pollution, I tell them to stop fertilizing their lawns. If they ask me about solar panels, hybrid cars, or genetically modified crops, I give them my best informed opinion while explaining those are not my areas of expertise. If they seem actually curious what I really do, I try to explain.

The confusion obviously comes from the colloquial use of the word "ecology" to describe everything from biofuels to compact fluorescent light bulbs to organic farming, rather than the area of biology focusing on the study of organisms and their relationship to their environment. At this point, I'm wondering if it would just be easier for us to change the name of our science.

By: hyperfascinated

hyperfascinated — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:31:46 -0800

Me: I'm a theatre administrator.

Them: Oh, how many shows have you been in? / Are you one of the performers, too?

Me: No, actually, I do everything for my theatre company except make the art. (Or, I don't make the art, I just make the art happen.)

Sometimes that will provoke further questions, so I get to go on to explain that my job involves marketing, customer service, grantwriting, etc. It's never occurred to many people that theatre involves anything other than what they see on stage.

Mr. Fascinated is a clinical psychologist - mostly he gets asked for drugs (that's psychiatrist, not psychologist!) or for stories about the "crazy people" he works with, which he of course cannot provide.

By: dinger

dinger — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:32:51 -0800

"I'm an airline pilot."

"How do you remember what all those buttons and switches do?"

"It's not too hard as long as my medication makes the voices stop."

By: desjardins

desjardins — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:35:32 -0800

I have my master's in urban planning. It's such a multidisciplinary field that it's difficult to sum up in a sentence or two. People conflate it with civil engineering or architecture and think I'm going to build bridges or design houses. Depending on the type of neighborhood someone lives in, I get comments about the evils of urban sprawl, the woeful traffic situation, or rants about building codes/design regulations.

I also have a concentration in GIS (Geographic Information Systems), which is really beyond most people, so I just say "I make interactive maps."

By: kittyprecious

kittyprecious — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:36:08 -0800

#1:

Them: "Geographer? Don't you just memorize state capitals and...?"
Me: "No, actually, it's pretty much the opposite: we recognize patterns, processes, and trends in urban and social development and human-environmental relations. It's not about trivia."

#2:

Them: "Urban planning, eh?" So you design buildings?"
Me: "That's an architect."
Them: "So you design neighborhoods?"
Me: "Sort of."
Them: "So you promote development?"
Me: "That's the chamber of commerce."
Them: "So what do you do?"
Me: "We hold workshops, we advise the city government, and we get ignored."

By: klangklangston

klangklangston — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:44:45 -0800

People think that the Hustler offices are filled with hot chicks and that we all get blowjobs at 11:00am.

No, it's a cube farm and I mostly screw around and manage paperwork while trying to find freelance gigs without them knowing.

By: popechunk

popechunk — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:45:27 -0800

I am a UNIX guy, but I generally just tell people I'm a computer guy (because no one has heard of UNIX). Like the other IT folks in this thread, people either:

1) instantly ask for advice on a Microsoft Windows problem they're having. Advised that I haven't owned a Windows computer in years, they look at me like I'm full of shit, since there is no other type of computer.

2) assume I'm a dipshit who somehow gets paid to play with Microsoft Windows PCs all day, which must be a trivial task because even grandma can set up a PC. I assume that they picture me helping folks attach scanners or webcams to PCs all day or something, who knows.

By: LyzzyBee

LyzzyBee — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:46:05 -0800

I'm a(nother) librarian.

I often bring up how I'm experienced working with rare books. That's when you get the question...

"So - do you wear the white gloves?"

I refrain from going ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHH (though I have done). My usual response now is - "If I had a pound for everyone that mentioned the gloves... " and then go on to explain why white cotton gloves are not ideal for handling books etc etc...

Cool thread!

By: jenne

jenne — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:46:44 -0800

I study plant biology, and everyone assumes I make genetically modified crops. My research is really more about genetics, and I just happen to work with plants. I started telling people I'm a geneticist, but then everyone thought I worked with stem cells. Now I just say biologist and let them ask more questions if they are interested.

Basically, people just assume I work on whatever science topic is being covered by the media at that moment.

By: sutel

sutel — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:46:55 -0800

I'm a small-town reporter. I get some of the following responses:

"Wow, that's cool. What do you write about?"

"I have this great idea for a story!!" (and then I have to explain that I am a small-town reporter and my beat is the town, not just whatever I feel like writing about).

"Gee, writing is so hard! How do you do it? I can barely write a sentence by myself!"

My least-favorite is the diatribe on how all the media is liberal/conservative/ruining the country/etc. Just the thing I like to hear at parties and when I've just met someone.

By: davar

davar — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:50:24 -0800

I'm a stay-at-home-mom.
"Yes, but what do you do?"
or
"Really? When are you going to go back to work?"
or
"Oh, how I wish I could do that, but, you know, some of us have mortgages to pay"
or a myriad of other responses that are not about me but about the asker.

I now usually say that I build websites (which is also true) and then they ask "Do you make money with that?"

By: Pax

Pax — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:56:54 -0800

Im a lawyer.

I actually dont get many questions and not many lawyer jokes. Sometimes I get half-hearted comments like oh, I better be careful you dont sue me kind of things. I guess people are pretty sure they know what lawyers do. I get asked for legal advice, but usually from people who already know what I do.

An ex of mine is a linguist, and in addition to the most common how many languages do you speak, he got oh, I better be careful what I say a lot.

By: you're only jung once

you're only jung once — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 10:57:24 -0800

"I'm a psychotherapist"

"Oh - can you read minds?"

"Yes."

This works a treat...

By: acoutu

acoutu — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 11:03:36 -0800

I'm a marketing consultant.
Oh, what kind of job are you looking for?
No, really -- I'm a consultant. I run my own business.
Oh. But what do you want to do?

OR
They'd ask where I worked. I'd spend a lot of time trying to explain that I wasn't a contract employee.

Now I say one of these things, depending on my audience:
I run a marketing consulting company.
I run a marketing consulting company and an information products business.
I run a marketing consulting company and an information products business and I also teach at the university level.
I run a marketing consulting company and an information products business and I fit that around taking care of my children.

When I said I was a marketing consultant, people seemed to think that meant I was unemployed or, in more recent years, "covering up" for being at home with my kids full-time. (Not that anyone should ever have to justify being at home. @davar)

If I'm in networking mode, I explain myself a little differently -- more around what I do for businesses. But, in social situations, I try to keep it simple.

By: reebear

reebear — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 11:09:32 -0800

I tell people I draw viruses.

Technically I'm a jack-of-all-trades at a laboratory that specializes in imaging. I place orders, I proof-read papers, I design webpages and create the accompanying graphics. I also make diagrams of virus life cycles, the actual viral capsid and envelope, viral proteins and their configurations. Sometimes I make diagrams about the process that we use to figure out how the viruses work, make powerpoint presentations about the math and logic that drives the programs we use, and things like that. I basically do what scientists are really bad at - make things look good.

But that's extremely long-winded, so I just say, "I draw viruses." It doesn't communicate the idea, but nothing short and simple does, so I may as well keep things interesting and give my interlocutor something possibly mentionable later - something to the effect of, "Hey, I met this girl who draws viruses. Weird, huh?"

By: gordie

gordie — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 11:23:37 -0800

"A city planner? So that's like playing SimCity for a living, huh?"

"Yes. But I am only permitted to unleash one tornado on my city per year."

By: geeky

geeky — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 11:31:04 -0800

"I make websites and databases"

"Oh, you make websites? Can you make me a website (for free)?"

By: jammy

jammy — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 11:32:51 -0800

them: What do you do for a living?
me: I'm a bookseller.
them: Wow, that must be great being able to read books all day long.
me: Yeah, but my chaise lounge is really getting worn out & the bon-bons aren't always as fresh as I'd prefer.

or

them: What do you do?
me: I'm part of a workers' collective.
them: A what?
me: I don't have a boss.
them: No way!

By: cortex

cortex — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 11:40:40 -0800

When I mention that I work for an insurance company, I don't necessarily get a key recurring question, but I do often get dirty looks and generally have to explain that I don't actually do anything at all with insurance and that, specifically, I am not an insurance salesman.

Also, factual and scientific background information about why these generalizations occur and some good face-saving techniques (for everybody) would be useful.

I don't have anything scientific handy, but the simplest likely explanation I think is that folks making conversation on a subject with which they're not particularly familiar will bring to the table whatever is out there in pop culture as a touchstone. So linguists are people who show up in newspaper stories about languages—they're People Who Speak Languages, to the Joe Public. Computer Scientists are guys who (a) hack computers, or (b) know about email and disk drives and can figure out why my Windows keeps crashing. Accountants are people who are Really Good At Math. It's a game of vague semantics, trying to ask a question about something you know you don't really know about.

There's nothing to do for the generalizations themselves except to give a good, pithy explanation of what your field is actually about when someone blunders down the How Many Lanugages path; a polite and cheerful (even the umpteenth time, yes) explanation of what your job/field/whatever actually entails means there's no need to worry about face-saving at all.

Smalltalk is just smalltalk, and no one should be too upset by either misunderstanding an occupation or having their occupation misunderstood; if asking or being asked leads to social drama or horror, that's largely aside from the question of who does what, I figure.

By: doubtful_guest

doubtful_guest — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 11:49:30 -0800

My favorite is

Me: I'm a copyeditor.
Them: So you're a frustrated writer, huh?
Me: Icy stare, "No", and walk away.

By: lpsguy

lpsguy — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:04:15 -0800

ME: "I'm a cartoonist."

THEM: "Here's a really funny joke for your cartoon. My cat was lying really funny on her back yesterday. You could do something with that. I don't know what the caption is but you could do something. Send it to me when you're done."

... or ...

"You could get a lot of material from people like us, heh, heh, heh."

... or ...

"Do you really have to do one every day?"

By: blue_beetle

blue_beetle — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:06:09 -0800

Q: So what do you do?
A: I'm a consultant.
Q: ummmm... so what do you do then?
A: I consult.
Q: Yeah, but what do you do?
A: I work with computers.
Q: Oh, really? Mine is running really slow, do you know what's wrong?
A: I don't know about that kind of thing.

For people that know me, and won't bug me to fix things, I'm more accurate. I'm a computer programmer, and occasionally build my own machines. I only do "help desk" for my retired parents and my girlfriend. Everyone else gets an vague description of my job.

By: Lotto

Lotto — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:31:37 -0800

Them: So, what do you do?
Me: I'm a student.
Them: Oh! What do you study?
Me: Music.
Them: Oh right, what kind of music?
Me: Erm, well we study performance, history, analysis, theory.. all sorts really.
Them: What instrument do you play? (this sometimes comes straight after 'Music'.)
Me: Violin and trumpet.
Them: What an unusual combination! Which is your favourite?
Me: I like them both evenly.
OR
Them: I used to play [insert instrument here] but I gave up when I was [insert age here].
Me: Oh, right.

This then frequently moves on to 'So what are you studying at the moment?' and then 'What's your dissertation on?' to which my stock answer is 'it's a long story'. People then quite often want to hear the long story.

Hmmm. It would seem I'm not very good at getting rid of these people.

By: Optimus Chyme

Optimus Chyme — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:47:39 -0800

I'm a graphic designer for print who hates web design and rarely uses Photoshop in his daily workflow; usually the first thing people say when they hear "graphic design" are "oh, I'm pretty good at Photoshop" and "can you make me a website?" It used to irritate the hell out of me but then I realized it was goofy/sort of dick to get bent out of shape about small talk. After all, if I met an ornithologist at a party I would probably make a dumb joke about ornithology ("it's for the birds" (god help me)) and I would hope that he or she'd understand I wasn't belittling his/her field, merely that I don't know jack shit about ornithology.

With respect to the can-you-make-me-a-website stuff I just say "I'd hire a web designer if I needed a website; it's an investment."

By: dizziest

dizziest — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:50:49 -0800

I work for a small online company that sells grower-direct flowers. I do not work in a florist's shop, or on a farm, but in an office, with many computers and a few people. I always try to make this very clear when I describe my job, and it usually works for the initial conversation, but somehow that part always gets lost in people's memory, so the second time they meet me, they often ask if I'm still working at "that flower shop."

I usually just say yes, though.

By: cogneuro

cogneuro — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:50:56 -0800

I'm a university professor.
question is ALWAYS "what do you teach?"
But, I mostly do research. sometimes I don't teach at all. But if you tell them that, they think you do nothing for a living.

By: INTPLibrarian

INTPLibrarian — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:56:41 -0800

*Another* librarian here:

"But, you don't LOOK like a librarian!" (Not a question, but THE most frequent response.)
"I was a librarian for a while when I was in high school..." (Uhm, no, you were NOT a librarian, then.)
"Oh, so do you read a lot?" (Yes, I do, but that has nothing to do with my being a librarian -- I work in tech services at a medical library.)
And, yeah, really dumb comments about the Dewey Decimal System.

I don't have any really good tactful responses. Actually, I think I kind of use people's reaction to what I do as a quality filter. If they make jokes about the uselessness of libraries or librarians, then I don't really *want* to be tactful with them. Why encourage them to talk to me further?

I'm such an academic/intellectual snob!

By: raygan

raygan — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 13:20:39 -0800

I'm in school for theater, so I still have "student" to fall back on, but every actor I know who gets this immediately gets "Ooo, have you been in any movies or TV shows I might have seen?"
The issue here is either you just say "No." and sound not only rude, but like a rude failure, or you are forced to go into a long explanation that you are a stage actor, and then have to explain yourself to someone who has without a doubt never been in a theater in their lives, and to whom "stage actor" only means "can't get a film job."

By: unknowncommand

unknowncommand — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 13:22:40 -0800

Oh god, another librarian here. When I tell people I'm in library school, at least two have asked if I've learned how to alphabetize yet. It is very sad. I really have no response to it.

By: chicainthecity

chicainthecity — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 13:27:48 -0800

I'm a university lecturer. After getting many baffled looks over the years, I realized that no one outside of academia knows what the hell a lecturer is. So now I just say that I'm a professor.

Some people stop there. Others ask what I teach, at which point the conversation usually goes something like this:

Me: I teach writing.
Them: Oh! So you teach people how to write novels.
Me: No, I teach them how to write essays.
Them: blank look
Me: You know, the kind of thing you had to write in freshman comp.
Them: Oh, okay.

Then they usually say something like, "I always hated writing/grammar/English" or "Are you going to correct my grammar?" I once spent a cross-country flight sitting next to someone who made these comments approximately once per hour for the duration of the flight.

For a while, I tried saying that I taught critical thinking and argumentation. That didn't go over too well on first dates. I got a lot of, "Wow, I'd never win an argument with you!"

Now, when I sense that someone is about to ask me what I do, I try to change the subject.

By: Brian James

Brian James — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 13:39:14 -0800

Soon-to-be patent attorney.

Most common first reaction, from other attorneys: "Oh. Do you have a science degree?" Having a science background, such as a science degree, is a requirement. (It's not a stupid question, just a common one.) Then: What area?

Other reaction: "Oh. That sounds boring." Conversations with these people seldom last long, but I usually try to spin it as working on high-tech stuff before anyone else sees it. If I'm feeling saucy--and especially if this is coming from another attorney--I'll highlight the bright job prospects for patent people and make an unflattering comparison to whatever Rich People's Paperwork legal job they have.

By: mezamashii

mezamashii — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 13:47:06 -0800

As a Computer Science major, I'm also sick of the "oh cool, then fix my Windows computer". Sometimes I just make up random jobs, or say exotic dancer or gay porn star or something similarly conversation-ending.

By: gingerbeer

gingerbeer — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 13:54:49 -0800

I have a new job, which is generating some very interesting responses:
#1 - Can you get me good drugs?
#2 - Let me tell you about this drug experience I once had...
#3 - Marijuana should be legalized! (This most recently from a grey-haired lady from Pasadena I met on the plane)

By: Mr.Me

Mr.Me — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:05:07 -0800

Q: So, what do you do?
A: I'm a chef.
Q1: So, do you cook at home?
Q2: Does your wife cook?
Happens almost without fail...yawn.
By the way the answer is 1:yes and 2:poorly.

By: LobsterMitten

LobsterMitten — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:08:37 -0800

"Oh, you teach philosophy? ...
- so does a tree make a sound if it falls in the forest, or wait, how does that go? har har har"
- I hated philosophy class in college"
- I loved philosophy class in college - it was so easy because just you could just BS your way through"
- wooo, you must be really deeeep"
- hey, here's a philosophical question for ya [insert sexist or racist joke, or joke about lawyers meeting god, etc]"

or what's worse in a way:
- oh that's great, what's your work on?"

Which is tough because my research is in a totally inaccessible area. So I often just lie and say I do ethics. And then they ask me applied ethics questions, and the whole table can chime in.

By: mi

mi — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:10:33 -0800

In my case:

"So, you are a musician. How nice!
But what do you do for real?"

By: dorothy humbird

dorothy humbird — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:11:42 -0800

I majored in linguistics, and usually got, as above"So what languages do you speak/are you studying?" or occasionally people flat-out admitted that they had no idea what I was talking about. I settled on describing linguistics as "the science of language -- how we process it in the brain, how it differs across cultures, how it changes over time. It has a lot of tie-ins with other fields."
This always lead to questions about what I was going to do with my degree, and unfortunately that question is still unsolved.

These days, I respond very inelegantly when someone asks about my present job, because I have mixed feelings about it, and it involves "qualitative data" (a difficult concept to explain to most people). Since I am compulsively explanatory, I find it hard to gloss over the details, even though I really should. Usually it boils down to: "I'm a research assistant at [university], and I work with transcription and/or buy my boss's kids lunch for the afternoon."

Generally I'm not pressed beyond this point. I like to make a lot of my wacky boss and his antics, because it's far more entertaining than transcription.

By: LobsterMitten

LobsterMitten — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:15:06 -0800

And for a linguist, there are two basic approaches, I think. This is assuming a dinner table conversation where you've got a bit of time on your hands:
1. keep a few fun facts in mind - this is a nice thing about linguistics, there are a lot of relatively simple examples (even if you can't get the full explanation out, people like little examples). For example, we all know that a sentence should go "I have a big red balloon" not "I have a red big balloon" -- so you study the rules of language like that, the ones that you would never learn in school but which we all know anyway. Or some other fun little thing like that. Talk about the Piraha, and about whether a naive version of Sapir-Whorf is true. Everyone will be entertained and you can have a little discussion about that.
2. lie and basically talk about languages, what languages they know, travel, etc.

By: LobsterMitten

LobsterMitten — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:17:11 -0800

Another safe approach for any academic who teaches is to turn the conversation to general teaching related topics, students these days, etc.

By: Joleta

Joleta — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:27:24 -0800

I'm the webmaster for our local natural gas utility. People always ask me if I can hack into the computers and get them a discount on their gas bills.

By: banjo_and_the_pork

banjo_and_the_pork — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:30:56 -0800

Totally yes to all the librarian questions/comments above. I also get a lot of "oooh, Party Girl!" remarks. Thank god for Parker Posey.

By: jayder

jayder — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:42:43 -0800

I'm a lawyer. The most common question people ask is, "How can you represent someone you know is guilty?"

My stock response is, "I don't know whether the client is guilty. That's something the jury decides."

By: theRussian

theRussian — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:49:49 -0800

I totally agree with all the computer people about the "will you fix my computer" bit. Gets old for sure.

The one that gets more under my skin is "You don't see very many girl programmers".

Really? Don't you think I know that?

I have yet to come up with anything witty in reply.

By: initapplette

initapplette — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:52:06 -0800

Yup, another librarian. I split my time between reference and cataloging. I can agree with all of the above, and I often also get:

"So do you use the Dewey Decimal System to organize your books at home? I've always wanted to do that!!"

Yeah, right.

By: happyturtle

happyturtle — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:58:28 -0800

My company actually issued an official 'elevator pitch' that we are supposed to say when someone asks what we do. It's dreadful. It's made of marketing speak and I can't imagine anyone saying it with a straight face. Best of all, it still gives absolutely no idea what the employees do on a day to day basis.

What I actually say is "You know the office in Dilbert? I work in a place like that. Only it's worse at my place because we don't even get cubicles."

By: donajo

donajo — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:59:37 -0800

I usually say "I work in Human Resources" and leave it at that, and get very few follow-ups. People seem to have some frame of reference for what an HR person does, although it can vary greatly.

By: nimsey lou

nimsey lou — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:16:34 -0800

I teach High School Digital Art.
No I will not: teach you how to draw, teach you Photoshop, or fix your computer.
In 10 years I still haven't had any witty responses.

By: divabat

divabat — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:36:32 -0800

I'm studying Creative Industries. Bugger of a thing to explain, but it's essentially your general arts/performance/media subjects mixed with a little bit of business and social theory.

Whenever I mention it to anyone, they either give me a blank look or assume that I'm doing graphic design or journalism. When I explain that I'm specializing in CI Management (which I now term "arts management" to keep things simple) and Creative Writing, people think I'm either hoping to be a superstar or a novelist.

Sometimes I try to explain, but other times I just don't bother.

By: iamkimiam

iamkimiam — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:39:51 -0800

These answers are fantastic! I had no idea so many professions are misunderstood. I love many of the ways you all have chosen to deal with the ignorant and/or genuinely-curious-but-clueless questions and responses. Hearing your stories has definitely given me a lot of objective perspective (since I'm not attached to the subjects and whatnot). Very insightful!

For linguistics, it is trickybecause I love the subject and I am eager to clear up misconceptions, switching topics or shutting people down is just not my style. There are also no analogies that I can think of to help make it easier for others to understand. I don't want to sound insulting when the subtext of my response is saying "FAIL! It's about this, not that!"

I recognize that when these situations come up, 9 out of 10 that we're dealing in small talk, so there's no point in getting bent about it either (yet, it is wholly depressing to hear certain language myths propagate themselves through casual conversation; I find it hard to resist defending the good name of this thing I love). LobsterMitten's ideas about having a few facts on hand is great though.

By: sapphirebbw

sapphirebbw — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:41:28 -0800

Lots of librarians in on this one. As a former librarian/library director of a small public library, everything previously said about librarians has been my experience as well. Other responses I used to get were:

- You must love reading/read all the time.
Yes, I love reading but read less as a librarian than I ever have in my life. You know sometimes the last thing you want to do is go home and touch another book.
- I'd love to have a job sitting around reading all day!
Me too! Let me know when you find one.
- I bet you've read all the books in the library!
Why yes, all twenty thousand plus volumes.
- You must be smart!
Glad you noticed.
- oh..shhhh....I guess I need to be quiet around you....
I ususally just shushed them on the spot jokingly and then went on to explain that our library was not a "quiet" library.
- oh, wow, you know i once read a book 10 years ago with a red cover on it, do you know the title of it?
When I said I usually had to have a little more info than that to identify a book, they always looks so confused. I realized early on that patrons think we know everything.
There were, also, apparently a lot of people who didn't think we got paid to be librarians and were shocked to find out that yes we did indeed get paid to sit around and read books and shush people all day....sigh.

By: jammy

jammy — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:48:27 -0800

"Oh, so you're a philosopher?"
"Yes...I think very deeply"

before i forget: well played neilkod! well played, indeed.

By: sararah

sararah — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:50:39 -0800

I love this chart.

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I'm a chemistry graduate student
Them: UGHHH (Giant frown, stick out tongue) I hated chemistry in high school/never took it/what's a molecule/science is hard, etc.
Me: Heh, yeah well I guess it is something that always interested me.
Them: So how are classes?
Me: This is the point where I have to explain that as a 4th year PhD student my schedule is more like a "real job" where I just do research all day and don't get summers/spring breaks/naps and frisbee on the campus green/any vacation ever, etc.
Them: So what do you want to do when you finish?
Me: Uh...find a job that pays me real money? :-D

If we do venture any further than that, I say my research has to do with giant magnets, like MRI magnets, except we don't do imaging. And then trying to explain to my uncle how we can't actually see the atoms is somewhat difficult.

By: typewriter

typewriter — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:51:55 -0800

When I get asked what I do, I say, "I work in theatre." I then get asked -

Q: Wow. What do you really do? I mean, during the day?
(I work in theatre, I repeat. They are usually stumped after that.)

Q: How do you make a living?
(In theatre. I may or may not go on to say that Toronto is the third largest English-speaking theatre city after NY and London and Canada is the leader in all languages of published plays. I might refrain depending on whether I like them or not.)

Q: So do you act or direct or write or teach or what?
(All of those things, which confuses them even more.)

Q: Did you go to school for that?
(Yes.)

It's difficult because obviously theatre has a very public component, so naturally a lot of work is unseen. But these kinds of responses to me and to others who work in the arts speaks to a culture that doesn't value art. That art could not possibly be someone's profession. That someone would *choose* to do it for a living. (Some might say compelled.)

Here is a little anecdote that Margaret Atwood (Canadian fiction writer) tells all the time:

Stranger: And what do you do?
Margaret: I'm a writer.
Stranger: Oh, yes, I like to write too. I have a novel to write when I get the time!
Margaret: What do you do?
Stranger: I'm a doctor/laywer/accountant/dentist.
Margaret: Oh great. I have time on Tuesday, should I come by and do a root canal?

By: emd3737

emd3737 — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:19:34 -0800

Me: "I'm a microbiologist."

Other person: "Oh."

By: Herman Hermanson

Herman Hermanson — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:25:17 -0800

Me: I study Chinese history.
Them: [outraged and disappointed] Oh God, how can you? What with how they're treating Tibet?
Me: I don't know anything about Tibet, I study Shanghai at the turn of the last century.
Them: And all the pollution! It's like breathing poison!

--or--

Me: I study Chinese history.
Them: That sounds different! What are you going to do with that degree?
Me: Go back to school?

But maybe seven times out of ten, it's the first response that I get. People *love* thinking that they not only know everything they need to know about China, but that they're also, in every way possible, morally superior to that communist (read: non-democratic), cancer-causing, falun-gong torturing, Buddhist-hating, MSG-loving den of misplaced patriotism and wanton exploitation. I used to fight with them a bit more about it, but now I just give up. It's like trying to tell a believer that there is no God - there's just no argument about China's absolute and utter depravity.

At some point I realized that if I get that first response, I don't need to think of any come back or defense - these people are not ones that I want to deal with on a regular basis.

By: Brian James

Brian James — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:33:34 -0800

Reminds me. I had a microbiology professor in college. She told us how when she takes an airline flight, if she doesn't want to talk, when she is asked what she does, she'll just say, "I have a PhD in Molecular Genetics." If she's in a better mood, she's a college professor.

By: minervous

minervous — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:46:45 -0800

New York actor.

Stranger at bar: So, what do you do?
Me: I'm an actor.
Stranger: Are you on Broadway? I just saw Wicked and it was awesome.
Me: No.
Stranger: Have I seen you on Law & Order? I heard every actor in New York who's any good has been on one of th...
Me: No.
Stranger: Oh, but you probably work as a dayplayer on Days of Our Lives, right?
Me: No.
Stranger: Did you just get back from tour?
Me: No.
Stranger: So ...
me: I work in experimental and avant-garde theater, generally at small downtown and Brooklyn theaters like PS 122, HERE, Chocolate Factory, etc.
Stranger: ... So you're a performance artist?

*sigh*

By: whimsicalnymph

whimsicalnymph — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:47:55 -0800

Oh man. I get that question all the time. The whole "You're a linguist? How many languages do you speak?"

My response: "Funny you should ask that. To complete my degree I had to have proficiency in at least two languages other than English, but linguists really just learn about the science of language, what makes up a language. It's sort of doing math with words (don't try to drop phoneme, morpheme in here.....they look at you cross-eyed). So really, I could translate any language if I had to."

At this point people generally go "whoa." And then you get to drop funny language anecdotes the rest of the night.

In less forgiving situations, however, this suffices:

Layperson: "You're a linguist? How many languages do you speak?"
Linguist: "One at a time."

By: gemmy

gemmy — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:52:40 -0800

I used to be an archaeologist, and like elendil71, I also got the dinosaur question a lot.

I did a lot of urban archaeology throughout the southeast, though, and that almost always entailed having people stop by the site. The most annoying and common question then was always "So what you digging for? GOLD?!!?". Man, people thought it was the funniest question, and we heard it over and over every day...

If I say where I work and with what these days, I only have problems with people not knowing the difference between Taiwan and Thailand.

By: homunculus

homunculus — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 17:24:50 -0800

Me: I'm a bum.
Them: What do you do all day?
Me: MetaFilter.

By: christinetheslp

christinetheslp — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 17:39:06 -0800

I'm a speech pathologist, and when people hear this they often say, "Oh, speech pathologist huh?" with this weird lisp. Oh, the hilarity.

By: weathergal

weathergal — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 17:41:21 -0800

I work for the National Weather Service, but when I tell people I'm a meteorologist, all I get is, "Really? What TV station do you work for?" I don't really have a really humorous response, just explain we put out the warnings that show up as crawls on TV during severe weather.

I did get asked once by a guy I was tutoring in college if my major had anything to do with meteors. *sigh* I really couldn't think of any comeback to that one, just a blank stare and then explaining.

I always get asked "What's the weather going to do tomorrow?" from new people and old friends alike. Whether I give them a straight answer or not depends on my mood.

By: ysabet

ysabet — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 17:58:25 -0800

"I'm a free and open source software advocate. I run conferences in my spare time. And write software for a living."
"Can you fix my computer?/Help me buy a computer?/Teach me how to use (Word|Excel|Outlook)?"
"Probably not. And you really won't like my rates."

It was worse when I was a researcher in grid computing and geophysics. I eventually got the *blank look* "So that's computers, right?" question.

By: UbuRoivas

UbuRoivas — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 18:35:50 -0800

"I'm an IT professional"

"Oh, so you write websites?" or "Oh, computer programming? What languages?"

Few people outside of IT seem to have the slightest grasp that there's anything more to IT than programming. Slightly more cluey people are aware of database administrators & sysadmins, but for most it's all about either writing systems or supporting them.

Almost nobody has any conception of account or portfolio mgt, business analysis, systems analysis, architecture, strategy, project mgt or program mgt offices, consultancy, security or any of the ITIL processes outside of managing operations.

I normally can't be bothered explaining my role unless it's to somebody else within (or close to) IT; otherwise it always ends up with them latching onto the one thing they first understood: "So, it's about programming new systems, right?"

By: UbuRoivas

UbuRoivas — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 18:38:11 -0800

heh: "No, I am NOT a programmer. I've never written a single line of code in my life!"

"But you must have studied programming, at least?"

"No, I did a law degree"

(then sit back and watch the cogs turn in their heads until their brains either freeze up or melt down)

By: jayder

jayder — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 18:47:49 -0800

I read an anecdote online that went something like this:

"So what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a philosopher."
"Oh really ... what are some of your sayings?"

By: loquacious

loquacious — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 18:48:13 -0800

I actually do tech support. For Windows. Or Mac.

You think you get asked to fix someone's computer a lot? There's some line about doctors at parties, except I'm not a doctor with a 5 or 6 figure salary.

Please, please stop asking me to fix your computer unless you want to pay me. My rate for "friends" right now starts at 50 an hour, 2 hours minimum - and that's really cheap. You think that's expensive? Call Geek Squad and be prepared for a $300+ dollar bill to have 'em come and screw your stuff up even worse, or maybe even troll your drive for photos.

People have no freaking idea how arcane and frustrating it is to decruft and fix a Windows box without archiving and reinstalling everything. And even when taking the "easy way" of just reinstalling everything, it usually takes hours and hours to get all of the the OS, old drivers and all the previous software reinstalled. With Windows, there's never an easy fix.

When I don't get the "Fix my computer?" question, I get "So, how long did you go to school for? Where did you go? DeVry?"

The answer is "I didn't go to school. I've been using computers since I was a kid. It has taken me all my life to learn these skills and memorize all of this useless, arcane bullshit about Windows/PC computers. Thousands and tens of thousands of hours of troubleshooting and trial and error. Look, bitch at Microsoft. I've been warning people for years that this was going to suck."

Seriously, please stop asking me to fix your computer. I'm totally going to go nuts. Stop downloading random crapware! Don't open emails with attachments without an antivirus! Install Firefox with an adblocker! Install a firewall! Did you try rebooting? Is it on? AAARGHHHH.

By: MaryDellamorte

MaryDellamorte — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:07:16 -0800

I'm a bartender and sometimes people ask me "so, when are you going to get a real job?" I always fire back with "and all this time I didn't realize I was working a fake job making fake money."

By: hulahulagirl

hulahulagirl — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:17:20 -0800

Since I don't think of myself as having a career, I steal Red's line from That 70s Show--he's been laid off and they're at a party.

Someone says, "So, what do you do?"

Red says, "About what?"

(which usually gets me a blank stare because I've drifted from The Script)

By: redsparkler

redsparkler — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:52:45 -0800

I can't even say how many times I saw this conversation happen with my friend:
"So, what do you do?"
"I'm a volunteer coordinator with Such & Such organization."
The questioner then usually has a moment where they look just the tetch bit quizzical, but wants to be polite, at which point I say...
"She coordinates the volunteers. They pay her."

By: speicus

speicus — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 20:42:53 -0800

If I say "I'm a composer," because I'm in LA, a lot of people assume I'm in film. Saying "I'm a grad student in composition" fares slightly better.

I usually also get asked "What kind of music do you write?" Most of the misconceptions follow this, because I don't have a succinct non-technical answer to this question. Most of the available pre-existing terms ("art music," "classical music," "contemporary classical music," "modern music," "new music," "experimental music," "avant-garde music," etc.) are problematic and pretentious and often mean different things to different people. Lately I've been saying "concert music" or "chamber music" because those have the least icky connotations, but I still get a lot of blank looks. Of course, that's a really generic answer that doesn't say much about what I do. Answering that question meaningfully is very difficult without already knowing the musical background of the person asking the question.

By: ambulatorybird

ambulatorybird — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 20:51:23 -0800

If I'm with my girlfriend, I say "boy-toy" and give her a significant look.

By: epimorph

epimorph — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:19:10 -0800

ME: "I'm a mathematician."
THEM: (Any combination of the following)
"You must be really smart!"
"I'm really bad at math."
"Haven't all math problems been solved already???"
"So, um... what do you DO?"
"OK, then you should figure out the tip."

When I hear the second, I always want to reply: "And you're not ashamed to admit that?" But, I never quite summon the courage to do so. So the first and second usually just get a smile from me.

The third and fourth sometimes result in an explanation from me about how mathematicians come up with and describe abstract objects, which are often generalizations of the sorts of mathematical concepts one learns in school, and how the only limit to this process is a lack of imagination. Such an explanation usually gets me a blank stare. My standby response is: "if people knew what mathematicians really do, we wouldn't get paid."

In response to the last, I usually try to convey, unsuccessfully, that I don't actually deal with numbers any more frequently than they do. Failing that, I calculate the tip really quickly, using very rough estimation, and then marvel at the fact that so many people get impressed by someone being able to do basic arithmetic.

By: mandymanwasregistered

mandymanwasregistered — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:23:22 -0800

I say epidemiology, you tend to:
a. give me a blank look until I volunteer what it means
b. ask me if I study skin

Given how many epidemiogic studies make it into the news daily, we really should be better at publicizing our existence.

By: mandymanwasregistered

mandymanwasregistered — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:24:21 -0800

Oh god, there's our problem, I can't even spell the word epidemiologic.

By: crunch buttsteak

crunch buttsteak — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:54:37 -0800

Oh, you're in the Marines...

How's that treating you?
Have you been to Iraq?
Have you been to Afghanistan?
Do they make you do, like, a lot of push ups in a row?
Do you get yelled at a lot?
So you yell at people and tell them what to do?

By: exceptinsects

exceptinsects — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 21:56:08 -0800

OK, yet another librarian, but seriously the most common response I get is:
"Really?? That's AWESOME." or variations thereof.
And on the internet, it's like you just said you were a NINJA or something. Librarians are rock stars online, apparently.

The next most common:
Them:
"Oh, that must be so nice--working somewhere quiet!"
Me:
(inside: HAHAHAHAHAHA) "Oh, we gave up on that a while ago."

By: Skyanth

Skyanth — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:09:16 -0800

I used to work for the air traffic control.

If I told people they would, without fail, ask me if I was waving signs around on the runways or if I was in the tower.
I would tell them no, I'm a technical writer.
They would go "aha".

One time I'd had a wild night and got up way too late, dragged my sleepy body to the train to the airport, got on it and then when the train stopped much too soon started to look around a bit, quite confused. It turned out I'd been too befuddled to see that the train wasn't going to the airport at all but instead was bound for the train depot for maintenance or cleaning or whatever.

I went to look for an exit and met some tourists who'd gone on the train by mistake as well. We were joking around a bit while waiting for a railway guy to take us back, I told them I had a hangover and that that was why I hadn't been paying attention, yeah, a party, man this is going to be a great working day, etc.

I asked them if they weren't going to miss their flight, they said no, they had plenty of time. They asked me if I was going to be late for work. I said I already was. They asked "what do you do, anyway?". I told them "I work for the air traffic control".

That frightened stare was priceless.