Gah, boyfriend has bad habits...NSFW

April 27, 2008 8:24 AM

Can I retrain my boyfriend after years of bad habits? (NSFW)

Long story short, my boyfriend had one girlfriend before me. It was a short fling and since then he hasn't had sex. It has been about three years and like many men, he used porn to get by.

While he is nice and sensitive, it seems like he is conditioned to the motions of a jerk-off. Rhythmic & smooth motions just aren't his style. Frankly, for long periods, this makes me soooore. When I try my style on top, it just gets him off immediately, which at least means he'd not desensitized, but obviously means that real sex motions are not what he is used to.

He also doesn't seem to know what women need to get off (most porn certainly doesn't have much of that!). I honestly believe that porn has sort of a detrimental effect on men who don't have much real experience.

He clears his history so much (erased a recipe I needed) that I'm pretty sure he is still getting off to it when I'm not able to have sex. I'd like to discuss it with him, but I don't know how to/if to broach the subject without seeming controlling. Maybe I could tip him off to some more instructional porn?

In the past I've dated more experienced guys and they have taken the lead. Can I lead a guy into being a better lover?

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (18 comments total)

Bummer. You should make him a bottom for a weekend and 'instruct' him on what he needs to do to get you off. Then, 'show' him exactly how he should be touched. Really, draw out his orgasm and let him suffer, to make the point of not always being satisfied yourself. He might love it or hate it, but it's still a lesson all men (somehow and usually in wide range of circumstances) get eventually from their partners.
posted by parmanparman at 8:32 AM on April 27, 2008 [1 favorite]

Probably destigmatizing your boyfriend's porn habits is a good thing, and it would be thrilling for him if you tipped him off on more "more instructional" porn. I'm not sure why men in North America have to hide their porn habits from their mates.

The thing is, you'll have to set limits and boundaries. To paraphrase Dan Savage, men are kinkier than women, and your boyfriend may start showing all sorts of porn, all the time, which could be a little gross.

As for taking the lead in the bedroom, to borrow from Dan Savage again, you could refuse to have sex until your boyfriend does what it takes to get you off. But communication is key on your part, as is the willingness of your boyfriend to understand your needs and try to make it work for you, too.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:34 AM on April 27, 2008

You can train him into being a better lover, but the question is: Does he want to change? He may be caught up in the porn and unable to understand what a normal, healthy sex life is.

It sounds like his version of a normal sex life is something off a DVD. Unless you can either wean him off that (no pun intended) and have him refocus on you until he understands the difference, I doubt it'll get alot better.

Don't mean to be a downer. I just happen to think that when it comes to porn, there are two types of guys. Those that get caught up in the fantasy and have a hard time regonizing reality, even if it loves him and is naked waiting for him in bed or those who view it as entertainment but are extremely cognizate of its fantasy and don't let it jack with their minds.

I think it was Heinlein that said that "Masturbation is a perfectly normal yet extremely lonely subsitute." Sounds like he hasn't quite figured out that it's vastly preferable to have a willing, warm body than a five-fingered pony ride coached by a movie.
posted by damiano99 at 8:44 AM on April 27, 2008

Can I lead a guy into being a better lover?

Absolutely! Guys NEED to be lead, at least until they're properly educated. And you should have fun doing him showing how.
posted by airplain at 9:02 AM on April 27, 2008

No offense, KokuRyu, but Dan Savage knows jack shit about whether men are kinkier than women. He makes a lot of generalizations about gender that are more about his own bigoted ideas about women than they are about reality. In my experience, one partner is always kinkier (duh), but it has nothing to do with gender.

My advice is to only have intercourse after you've gotten off. That'll give him motivation to spare. If he pouts about it or passive-aggressively refuses to try to get you off, you have the answer you need about whether you can "train" him.

And, Dan Savage is right about one thing--he needs to touch your clit.
posted by sondrialiac at 9:17 AM on April 27, 2008

Can you maybe try re-training him with soft-core porn? Cinemax has a variety of those types of films on the weekends, and they tend to be more foreplay-focused than just "let's get busy." Lots of heavy kissing and stroking and nakedness prior to the ol' in and out. Maybe you could try watching a few of these types of movies together while you first have him sit or lay passively as you work your "magic" on him. Gently teach him how good it can feel to prolong things and alternate between gentle, teasing, and rough stuff.
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:53 AM on April 27, 2008

The porn isn't the problem, and different porn sure isn't the solution.

Problem one: He doesn't know how to get you off.

The porn may have given him some wrong ideas, but it's not like guys are born with the instinctual ability to please a woman and pornography takes that away. Furthermore, there's no such thing as "how to please a woman." There's only how to please a particular woman, in this case you.

"Instructional porn" isn't going to tell him a thing about your body and what works for you. Taking him by the hand, literally or metaphorically, and saying "here's what you need to do to get me off" isn't controlling, it's just being assertive and reasonable. And it's the only thing that's going to work.

Problem Two: The way he gets off doesn't work for you.

Again, this isn't the porn's fault. Some guys watch porn and take their sweet time. Hell, some make an obsession out of taking their time; look up the term "edging" if you want to know more. Others are fast and furious, probably due to habits picked up in adolescence when you don't have much time or privacy. He'd be doing the same if he was just fantasizing.

And again, different porn isn't the solution. If he looks at porn of people fucking slowly and sensuously, he's still going to jerk off fast and furiously.

You're going to have to discuss this, but when you bring it up, make sure that you're talking about what you want, rather than what you think he should want. The fact that he likes it fast and hard isn't a bad habit, it's just how his body reacts. But if it's painful or unsatisfying to you, that's what you should let him know.

In other words, don't say "Hey, you don't like slow, rhythmic stimulation, and that's a problem."

Say "Hey, I get sore when you do that, we need to figure out a way we can both enjoy ourselves."

Can he re-train his nerve endings? Maybe. But in the end it's about finding something that works for both of you, not pushing him towards the "right way" to have a orgasm.

Problem Three: You're uncomfortable with his porn use.

I'm reading between the lines here, but I get the feeling that you don't like the fact that he looks at porn, and you're trying to come up with an external, objective reason for that. I'm guessing that you're not comfortable just saying "It makes me feel unhappy that he looks at pornography when he has me" so you're hoping to be able to say "If you stopped looking at porn, or looked at porn that I can classify in my head as 'education' rather than 'looking at pictures of other women', then our sex life would improve."

This opens up a whole new issue that I'm not even going to get into. And of course, maybe I'm way off base on this. I'm just suggesting you make sure that you're bringing up issues for their own sake, not as a roundabout way of trying to get him off the porn wagon.
posted by lore at 10:47 AM on April 27, 2008 [13 favorites]

Lore said everything that I wanted to say and that needed to be said. Listen to Lore.
posted by Ms. Saint at 10:51 AM on April 27, 2008

L'esprit de l'escalier: Saying "My boyfriend doesn't please me sexually, so I'm going to have him watch better porn" is like saying "My boyfriend doesn't get enough exercise, so I'm going to have him watch action movies."
posted by lore at 10:52 AM on April 27, 2008 [9 favorites]

Short-term solution: out-kink the guy by suggesting you incorporate vibrators into your sex routine. That way you can at least be sure you'll get off.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:57 AM on April 27, 2008

Sorry, to more directly answer the question: of course you can change him, but you have to be able to communicate better with each other during sex. If he's one of those guys that just "gives it to you"... well, that might be a problem. But for his sake and yours, sometimes you just have to take the reins and be direct about what you want.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 11:01 AM on April 27, 2008

"Listen to Lore."

Repeated for emphasis. Lore's got it nailed (pun intended).
posted by whycurious at 11:01 AM on April 27, 2008

Lore totally nails it, I was about to make an almost identical post before I saw it.
posted by Jezztek at 11:03 AM on April 27, 2008

Yep; Porn isn't the problem here. I think you're using this as an excuse 'cause you don't like him looking at it.

But him not having a clue how to get your off IS a problem. You should talk to him about it. If the guy hasn't had much sexual experience how is he supposed to learn unless you show him what you like? Communication is the problem here, not porn!

Tell him what to do until he gets enough experience under his belt (hee!) to take over on his own.
posted by Justinian at 11:32 AM on April 27, 2008

I agree with the majority. But to soften things a bit (is it me or is it difficult not to feel like everything is an innuendo in a sex thread?) it seems as though women are trained to find porn offensive. Men, on the other hand, are extremely visual and are often drawn to porn. The two don't mix well. When I found out my ex was watching porn I felt really offended. Like he didn't need me or that was my replacement. Rationally, I knew that wasn't true, but emotionally it bugged the shit out of me. Talk to him. If he's willing (which he'd better be if he wants to keep you) take him, literally, by the hand and show him what he needs to be doing. If the sex between the two of you was awesome, I would bet the porn wouldn't be an issue so much.
posted by CwgrlUp at 1:11 PM on April 27, 2008

Find some porn you can watch together.
posted by megatherium at 1:45 PM on April 27, 2008

Can I lead a guy into being a better lover?

Yes, of course, but you can't make him drink (at the trough of mixed metaphors?). Telling him what you want and need is just basic communication, not being controlling. There are few, if any, universals to these things (not even clichés like "touch the clit" -- everyone is different, and what works today may no work tomorrow), so focus on particulars, not generalities.

That said, I'm not 100% sure that his jerky style of sex is caused by porn or masturbation. I think most people masturbate differently than they have sex -- it feels different, if nothing else -- and many people enjoy pornography (written, visual, etc) of things that aren't actually models for what they do or even want to do. Moreover, the sex may not be all that great for him, either -- unless you are talking openly about these things, you don't know for sure. You both deserve good sex; communication and cooperation can make that happen.

You could tell him what you like (remembering that positive statements usually help more than negative ones), and physically guide him. You can hold his hand (quite literally), use your hands on his hips to set the pace and rhythm, etc. When something works or feels good, communicate that, and build on every success.

You could buy for him (and read with him, perhaps) some of those how-to guides. Handing him a stack and saying "dude, sex with you sucks ass!" probably won't help things, but giving them to him and saying "I want sex to be better for both of us, but this is hard for me to talk about and explain, so I thought we could read these and work together on stuff" might work better.
posted by Forktine at 2:45 PM on April 27, 2008

I can't understand why my previous comment to this effect was deleted

Because it's pedantic nitpicking - given the context, it was obvious what airplane meant. "Guys need to be lead" makes little to no sense if you don't internally re-spell the last word, so there isn't really any confusion.

More on topic: in my experience (this may or may not be the same for your boyfriend), I find it much easier to take tips about what to do during sex... during sex. That's when I'm the most focussed on bringing pleasure to my partner, most open to suggestions in the pursuit of fun, and most likely to understand exactly what they mean. It's also the perfect time for demonstration! If someone gives me suggestions outside of sex, I tend to find it less easy to remember what was said, and how to implement it, when things start getting all steamy.
posted by Drexen at 4:04 AM on April 28, 2008