And I feel stupidly over dramatic. Yuck.

April 26, 2008 4:01 PM

Arrrgh Filter: How do I deal with isolation and the fear that I'll be trapped in a situation I don't like?

So I have ye standard dysfunctional family that every other person on the internet seems to get. And I’m a 22 year old student living at home. And I have a boyfriend of the long distance kind. And I applied to transfer universities elsewhere.

And I think, without a trace of dramatic exaggeration, I am literally terrified of having to spend any longer in this city with my family. And I don’t know how to cope with the possibility that my grades won’t get me into McGill (I got three B’s this semester) because A) I feel lonely and isolated in this small city B) I’m having trouble coping with family drama and C) if I don’t get into the same city with the boyfriend soon, we’ll probably break up, compounding problem A.

Now I’m sure for all you older persons think two more years in a small Canadian backwater are but a few short moments in a long life, but this city sucks in a people-still-believe-I-have-magic-powers sort of way. And to cope with the city sucking I have a long history of lapsing into fantasy and depression.

But I can’t deal with the big screaming anxiety that I’m trapped in this city. And the whole negative self-talk that results from my stress is sucking. The school therapist is okay, but she can’t provide any more reassurance than ‘the world will not end’.

How can I minimize my misery? I won’t know if I’m accepted until June, but right now I’m pretty much contemplating offing myself, which is a bad place to be. I don’t think I’m a suicide risk per say, but the possibility of two more years here feels like a prison sentence. And I can’t cope.

Therapy is the obvious answer, but I did that route and the person that I was provided with by Mindcare was useless. Also my depression went away when I actually had options, and it's returned now that I feel I don't again.

posted by Phalene to health & fitness (27 comments total)

well, therapy would be my suggestion. but i feel your pain. why not concentrate on options you might pursue if you don't get accepted into the school you want? that way, you aren't pinning all your hopes on this one thing.

and you might try a new therapist. just because one didn't work out doesn't mean they're all bogus.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:04 PM on April 26, 2008

If you want to get out, get out. Life is too short to spend trapped in an isolated Canadian backwater (I've been to a few). It took me five years to get my undergraduate degree (UVic) and I think that was one year too long.

But you should always have a back-up plan. What are you going to do if you can't get into McGill?
posted by KokuRyu at 4:12 PM on April 26, 2008

Does your current school have co-op? Can you go work somewhere for a while? Can you take the summer off to work somewhere? Can you do a semester in Quebec or something as a visiting student? Could you join Katamavik or something for a while? Apply to other universities? I recommend looking beyond just McGill, unless your program is simply not available elsewhere.
posted by acoutu at 4:19 PM on April 26, 2008

I would like to concur with what thinkingwoman said. Finding the right therapist can take time.
But in terms of other options-could you do a semester abroad? Spending four months in a completely different place might change your whole outlook. You could also do a volunteer vacation or teach English in another country.
posted by miss-lapin at 4:22 PM on April 26, 2008

Well, I can tell you I see lots of definitely-not-brilliant people who go to McGill every day (and I know some who have degrees from there) so I think the requirements for admission vary greatly by the program. Some are prestigious, some are for average folk. Don't start assuming you won't get in, because that will drive you insane for the next month.

If you really want to get out, apply to Concordia as well. Or universities in other cities.

In the meantime, tell us where you live -- some of us may be able to help you enjoy life in your current locale.

I grew up in a conservative, very elderly-friendly city in the Maritimes. I feel your pain. (Except I got out at all cost when I was 17. Life is too short.)
posted by loiseau at 4:25 PM on April 26, 2008

I'll give you one more idea, just because I know I was desperate to get out too.

If you don't get into McGill, you could move here in the summer, take the fall semester off and take intensive French courses full-time. If you take the ones offered by the commission scolaire de Montréal they are $53 per semester (about 8 weeks). You could apply to McGill and Concordia for winter.

Then you're here, you're NOT there, and you're doing something productive, particularly if you plan to settle here because you'll need to learn eventually.

Plus summer in Montreal is wicked in every way.
posted by loiseau at 4:30 PM on April 26, 2008

@loiseau
I'm in Saint John. Halp! Send rescue. :(
posted by Phalene at 4:32 PM on April 26, 2008

Just get out any way you can. I was at a similar point at your age (though I wasn't in a small town). I literally packed up my car and drove 1500 miles. It sucked financially, but psychologically, it was awesome to know that I could make it on my own. I started my undergrad a year later. It also taught me that things will be okay even if they don't go precisely as planned. The more I hang onto the thought that "OMG this absolutely must happen or I will die," the worse I feel. The more I repeat "Everything will be okay, no matter what, because I have the power to make it so," the better I feel.
posted by desjardins at 4:33 PM on April 26, 2008 [3 favorites]

A backup plan is definitely in order. If nothing else, see if you can spend a year studying abroad? Or take a year off from school, get a job in another city, and go there. You will find a way of getting out of town.

You might want to find a therapist who helps you find (a) coping strategies and (b) solutions. My theory is that any therapist who gives homework is a step up from those who do not.

And, considering you're having suicidal ideations (meaning you are contemplating but not planning suicide), you should call your current therapist immediately and leave a message. You may want to see a psychiatrist to discuss whether medication would be helpful.

Good luck. Anxiety and depression are super-painful, but you can work to change your circumstances and the way you respond to them. ::hugs::
posted by brina at 4:38 PM on April 26, 2008

Phalene: @loiseau
I'm in Saint John. Halp! Send rescue. :(

That's where I grew up, yo. I UNDERSTAND.

You should move. : )
posted by loiseau at 4:42 PM on April 26, 2008

Not sure if you'll get into McGill? If a couple of B's are enough to freak you out, you will be accepted to Dalhousie. Apply there too.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:23 PM on April 26, 2008

Another vote for working on backup plans to get to where you want to be. McGill will probably work out, but the goal isn't just McGill - it's getting out, right? So apply to other schools, research other programs, look for summer jobs, etc. It will keep you productively occupied, and give you the firm knowledge that in a few months, you will be living somewhere else. Nothing else like it.

(I recently went through a very similar situation. And once I had made up my mind that I would keep applying until I got in somewhere, my hated city suddenly became much more bearable.)
posted by Mr Bunnsy at 5:33 PM on April 26, 2008

dont jump to therapy.
welcome to grown up life.
try and break things down piece by piece, and go with your heart.
and dont think that one decision will destroy the rest of your life, there are always options.
posted by edtut at 6:55 PM on April 26, 2008 [2 favorites]

Even if you don't get accepted to your college, that doesn't mean that you can't leave the town you're in. Start saving some cash now, and just leave the absolute first second that you can. Just go. Go to the town the BF is in, go somewhere else. Just go. It can do wonders for you.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 7:08 PM on April 26, 2008

You're in a shitty situation right now, but let's break it down piece by piece.

Living in your town, with your family, is untenable.

If you don't move to Montreal, where your bf lives, he'll probably call your long-term relationship quits.

If you don't get into a good university, you'll be unhappy.

You have three different problems, but you've chosen only one solution - "I'm going to McGill in the fall."

McGill is a good school, but it's a big name. There are other, smaller names where you might be even happier and will receive an even better education. You're a transfer student, so you have time to apply to a few safety schools, or schools that are a better fit than McGill. Just in case.

xo
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 7:19 PM on April 26, 2008

Yeah, I agree with Edtut. This isn't really a situation requiring therapy (though everyone can benefit from that) as much as taking control of your own life. Why try to get counsel on coping with a situation you have the power to change? Being the captain of your own ship changes everything.
posted by loiseau at 7:37 PM on April 26, 2008

Hmmm, I hope it's not to late to apply for other universities. I suppose Concordia is the other sensible option to stay in Montreal. I don't know about intense summer language programs, because paying for this is also an issue (I have $6K saved, no student debt) as I was going to work all summer to pay for school.

Other cities are also a fairly logical option, but I'm not sure which ones. I don't think Halifax is quite what I would like, but it must be better than Saint John. I wonder if I could afford Toronto? I would regret losing the boyfriend, since he's a fairly good male and suits my very fussy tastes. Hrrrrmmm...
posted by Phalene at 8:24 PM on April 26, 2008

You have more options than you are giving yourself credit for. No one is stopping you from moving to Montreal (or any other city) the day after classes end this semester, getting some crappy job and a room in a crappy apartment, and applying that year to a set of schools. A year out of school will mean, yes, that your BA will take five years not four, but if the tradeoff is that you are happy, I think you will come out far ahead.

Or take a year overseas (studying, volunteering, working, depending on your finances, your visa situation, your interests).

Or stay in your city but get your own place to live (which you will need to do wherever you move, anyway).

Or buy a motorcycle and ride it to Argentina. Not that you really want to do that, but just to illustrate that the barriers to you doing these things are not external -- no one has chained you to the kitchen floor (I hope) -- but rather internal, from you and you alone. Your options are, if not endless, at least replete with choices, and if you want a different result you need to do make some different choices.
posted by Forktine at 9:59 PM on April 26, 2008

You're a psych major, right? You might want to consider Waterloo if McGill doesn't work out, although AFAIK transfer requirements are rather competitive. Perhaps surprisingly, it has one of the best undergrad psych programs in the country.
posted by thisjax at 10:54 PM on April 26, 2008

As others have said, and I'll chime in to agree; sometimes you just have to break the chains and get out. Yep, it's scary. Still...when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Apply to safety schools in the area, save up cash until the semester is over, do some internet searching to find a place to live, and then get out. Fly like the wind.

When I was a little younger than you, one day I packed as much stuff as I could fit in my car, grabbed my cat, emptied my bank accounts and drove across the country. Granted, I got distracted in Texas and have somehow never made it any farther west, but ya know, these things happen. ;)

Sometimes, you just have to throw caution to the winds, put your faith in chaos, and move.

Best of luck!
posted by dejah420 at 11:05 PM on April 26, 2008

Forktine: You have more options than you are giving yourself credit for. No one is stopping you from moving to Montreal (or any other city) the day after classes end this semester, getting some crappy job and a room in a crappy apartment, and applying that year to a set of schools.

In Montreal, it must be said, you really need to speak conversational French for almost all jobs, but if you're willing to do call-centre work (which you've probably done if you live in Saint John) or stuff like dishwashing then you can probably find work here.

A room in a shared apartment usually starts around 250$/month.

And like I said, the CSDM courses are $53/8 weeks. (That's one level; there are six spoken levels.)

I think Toronto is prohibitively expensive in many ways, and also then you'd still be 5 hours away from your boyfriend.

Ottawa's two hours away... I don't know much about the cost of living there but Mefi has some Ottawans...
posted by loiseau at 2:27 AM on April 27, 2008

You have $6k saved? If you don't get into McGill move to Montreal anyway. Get a job in a shop or as a waiter or something. Make some new friends. Drink some beer. Enjoy life. Then re-apply, or apply at one of the other schools, or something. Just remember, you can do this. From here on out it's your life to live, and your decisions to make.

When I was about your age I had a bit of a flip-out. What really helped me was remembering that I had the power to choose where I lived, what I did, who I did it with...it's enormously powerful to remember that when you feel like external forces are controlling your future.

Good luck. You'll get through this.
posted by miss tea at 5:01 AM on April 27, 2008

Look...I know a lot of people are hung up on McGill, Dal, Queen's and so on. But the reality is that most employers don't care where you did your undergrad. And it doesn't really matter for academia in this country either. If there's a specific major or prof with whom you want to work, I can see getting hung up on McGill. But you could possibly go somewhere like Concordia and approach that same prof about doing volunteer research for them. You could also see if your current school will let you do a certain number of credits off campus. Some schools allow up to 60 credits (two years), although that may not apply if it's all upper level. But you might also be able to take some distance education courses. You might be able to do co-op somewhere like Ottawa, if you can't get to Montreal -- that's not quite so far away as you are now.

So...how can you approach that 60 credits? Two semesters as a visiting student at a Montreal area university, plus 30 credits of distance ed, and perhaps 30 credits that you still need to do on campus. And some co-op work experience and volunteer experience for a prof at McGill or something. Or something like that. There are options. You just need to work through some back-up plans.
posted by acoutu at 7:52 AM on April 27, 2008

@loiseau
I speak only limited French... I've set my sight on Montreal because I won't become bilingual without practice. I don't think it's -that- hard to find jobs though, given the massive anglo population. I know the seperation thing chased most of us out, but there are services like 'YesMontreal' that I hope will be helpful. =/
posted by Phalene at 11:19 AM on April 27, 2008

Yes does resume-writing workshops and stuff and sometimes little mini-conferences but their other resources are things like the usual job bank (which is run by Emploi-Quebec here) so they don't work miracles. After years here I gotta really tell you, most jobs require at least conversational French. I know a couple of anglos who've blustered their way into jobs dealing with the public but for the most part the jobs you'll be eligible for without being comfortable in French will be menial, or like I said, call centres. Unless you're a programmer or something like that, or have a third language (which opens up translating jobs, particularly in the game industry.) I also know many anglos who've left Quebec because they couldn't find work here after university.

Also you can look up language stats on Statistics Canada: the percentage of people who only speak English in Montreal is actually really small.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't come. Just be willing to do whatever job you can get.
posted by loiseau at 4:27 PM on April 27, 2008

@loiseau
See, what I'm missing in my French is the little connecting words like 'instead of', so I can normally get part way into a halting conversation before I get hung up and stutter for a while, if I'm trying to ask something more complicated than 'Do you have this in blue?'. Whenever I visit my boyfriend my French normally improves as I hear the stuff spoken, but large Acadian population to the contrary, I have a lot of trouble finding people I can practice on here.

I'm expecting menial labour while I'm a student... That's all you can get in New Brunswick and anything that pays more than $9 an hour seems to ask for 'bilingual' anyway. So I picked that particular city because it'll fill a number of life goals. And I have friends (and family) there beyond boyfriend, so even if my gentleman goes MIA I will be able to build up a social group without as much trouble as Toronto (which merely contains an aunt and one friend).
posted by Phalene at 9:43 PM on April 27, 2008

I'm moving, I'm moving! *Dance*
posted by Phalene at 4:25 PM on July 1, 2008