Are you disowned or ever been threatened to be disowned?

April 23, 2008 11:12 PM

Has a parent ever threatened to disown you?

I'm thinking about severing ties with my dad. It's too long of a story to go into here, but it got me wondering how many people have been threatened by their parent(s) with disownership.

posted by KimikoPi to human relations (10 comments total)

My mother just said that she 'Didn't think she could have a relationship with me when I am an adult'. Does that count?
posted by Phalene at 11:17 PM on April 23

My dad disowned me. He's an abusive guy and his disownment of me was his way of trying to control me. He wanted me to crawl back to him and accept his abusive treatment, but I didn't. I accepted his disownment of me as the gift it was and moved on with a healthier life.
posted by December at 11:32 PM on April 23 [1 favorite]

Nope.
posted by grouse at 1:46 AM on April 24

My grandmother has disowned my mother (currently and it seems like it will stick forever this go), and at varying times has also disowned my aunt (mother's sister). I have a great aunt who has threatened to disown one of her sons quite often, and that son, my cousin, has disowned his own children (though he raised the children his wife brought into the relationship from her first marriage).

My grandmother raised me and threatened me with disownment occasionally as well. Because we are Jews I have tended to think of it as a silly cultural game that my people apparently like to play.

Oh! I also have, let's see, remember the aunt who occasionally disowns her son, my cousin? Well, that aunt also had a daughter, who herself had a son, and that son, upon becoming Buddhist, found himself disowned as well (unsure of current owned v. disowned status).
posted by birdie birdington at 2:27 AM on April 24

Because we are Jews I have tended to think of it as a silly cultural game that my people apparently like to play.

Not really, just the people in your family.
posted by grouse at 2:32 AM on April 24

I've severed ties with my sister. My mother frequently gets on my case to get in touch with her, but I don't care for my sister at all. All my life, she's been toxic to me - and the few times she wasn't, it was only because it was in her benefit.

I say that if it gets to the point where you have to consider it as a real option, then there's no question at all. It has to be done.

I think that if I had other siblings, my mother would bug me less ... but ah well, my parents should have had more than two kids. My personal Theory of Producing Spawn: One = generally lonely, possibly spoiled. Two kids = no company when they gang up against each other. Three = one will be lonely if two gang up together. Four, okay. That, or none at all.

You need to make sure you have your backup system. Know who your Emergency Contact is going to be on paperwork, seek out others who will be willing to care for you when you're sick and bedbound (and be prepared to do the same for them, too), and you'll be okay. And regardless of backup system, you'll still be okay. I am.
posted by Xere at 3:01 AM on April 24

I took a break from my father that's about to enter its third year. I started with no contact at all, then slowly moved to exchanging cards on birthdays and Christmas. Now we are exchanging emails occasionally and I'm considering further expanding to meeting him for an afternoon in a neutral location. The break was extremely theraputic for me, but I have also really struggled with guilt because there are things about him that I do/did love. He has just been diagnosed with cancer, which he's expected to recover from, but I would like us to have some kind of resolution of mutual respect, even if we don't end up close.

It's complicated, and taking that step was the bravest thing I've ever done, but the two years have been good for me overall.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 3:32 AM on April 24

No, but your question brings up an interesting semantic puzzle...

If they don't disown you, do they OWN you?

My mother in law once threatened to disown my late first wife. In reality, encouraged by a less that scrupulous sibling, she was convinced to treat my wife significantly differently in a will/family business situation.

Once this became apparent after mother-in-law's death, it was fairly easily undone with a little legal pressure applied to the survivors.

Emotionally, it was pretty hard for my wife, but she was a fighter and I think prevailing posthumously was a big win for her. Sadly, she died only 5 years or so later.

I think a lot of parents threaten it, and I've always thought it was one of those things like "I'm gonna break your neck!"... which obviously they aren't. It's just frustration talking.

I also think that it's part of the normal nest clearing process for conflicts to emerge once the kid becomes a borderline adult. Nature needs to make sure we get out of the (supposedly) protective space of parenting and out on our own.
posted by FauxScot at 4:00 AM on April 24

Yes. It's not the threat of disownment that hurts, though. It's the disappointment, guilt and anger I feel at myself for being a bad daughter. Then it's the frustration I feel for being upset with myself and not with him. So, if you're in a similar situation then I advise you to leave. (MeMail me if you need to).
posted by liquorice at 4:30 AM on April 24

My mom used to threaten to disown me. Once, she told me she regretted ever having had me. She told me I wasn't supposed to call her "mom" any more because she wasn't my mom, and that we were strangers now and she didn't know me. Soon, she said, she was going to call my dad and tell him that I was going to go live with him. I think we didn't speak for 3-6 months despite living in the same house.

Long story short, things got better, and we're on good terms now. But it took a long time and happened as I got older, so I don't know how much hope I can offer an adult who is having similar problems.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation.
posted by prefpara at 5:03 AM on April 24