From A to B

April 22, 2008 10:45 PM

Newly single (after 10-yr relationship). How do I get from Point A to Point B, with Point A being meeting a potentially interesting person, and Point B being the point where I can smoothly ask them to do something with me. All, you understand, in service to just getting to know this other person better. The possibility of a hook-up is secondary (although not completely disregarded.)

I'm not shy, and I have a lot of friends. I have no problem asking relative strangers to participate in social events. However, there are those (guys) who fall into the category of "I'd like to get to know you better mostly because you seem like an interesting person BUT if things go well, I would not be averse to, well, you know..."

My question is about how to go from initial meeting through subsequent meetings to that point where one can smoothly introduce an invitation to do something interesting together, 1x1.

I know, I know, I could be super straightforward and say, as soon as I feel it, "Hey! Let's go do X sometime."

But I like to be smooth (it usually works better, let's face it) and I'm into orchestrating interactions that have flow. I'm not trying to play a game here, I'm really just trying to ride the wave of momentum and orchestrate an encounter that feels like it's naturally evolved from the previous encounter.

It's a style thing. Would love to hear from those who know what I'm talking about and how you've timed and engineered things to achieve this result.

posted by hapax_legomenon to human relations (11 comments total)

But I like to be smooth (it usually works better, let's face it) and I'm into orchestrating interactions that have flow.

Really? Smooth usually works better? The people who get what they want are those who ask for it. There are umpteen ask metafilter questions of people who have been playing it smooth and who are wondering why it's not working to say that coy doesn't work the way you want it to.

There's nothing unflowing about dictating the course of your day/week/month/life. It's swimming with the current that's already flowing you down a river.
posted by scabrous at 4:15 AM on April 23 [1 favorite]

I think you would be a lot better served by just asking for what you want. If the person is interesting to you, hopefully you are interesting to them, and they will want to do something with you. Beating around the bush makes everyone totally bonkers.

I speak from experience. But I'm trying to be a lot more upfront about my intentions and it's working much better. Not that I always get what I want, but the other person is not in a guessing game, and I get to look like a take-charge kind of person. My attempts at being smooth left a lot of confusion in their wake. Mostly mine.
posted by sully75 at 4:15 AM on April 23

I vote for asking. Smooth = genuine.
posted by ewkpates at 4:19 AM on April 23

agree with the above: smooth = genuine, not subtle.

women like to know where they stand, and whether a get-together is a date or not. it helps us relax and enjoy the moment. keeping it ambiguous means a) you don't know what you want, and/or b) there is some unspecified "test" she'll have to pass over the course of the evening in order to make the cut, and c) you don't care that it matters to her.

you don't have to say, "hey, let's go on a date sometime." but you can send out datelike signals. (picking her up, for example, or simply scheduling the get-together good several days in advance.)
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:31 AM on April 23

There's something so refreshing about knowing a guy digs you and is not afraid to say it. So I'd start with "I've really enjoyed meeting you. Would you like to get together again?" And then make some plans.
posted by agentwills at 4:45 AM on April 23

The OP is a woman.
posted by nasreddin at 4:48 AM on April 23

Smooth may work better guy -> woman, but not the other way around. Smooth just isn't an issue when a woman is asking a guy out. If you are getting any kind of signals that he is interested, just asking him outright will be the best way.

As far as flow goes, there is a natural discontinuity between doing things as a group and doing things as a date, and no amount of social smoothness is going to erase that line.
posted by bricoleur at 6:06 AM on April 23

Really? Smooth usually works better? The people who get what they want are those who ask for it.

Tatoo this on your arm. Whenever you wonder about all of this, look at it.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:11 AM on April 23

Please don't play games. Just ask. Whisper it in his ear if you want to make it a bit sexy. Seriously, we're not wired for the mind games.
posted by junesix at 9:27 AM on April 23

The way it's *supposed* to work is that you send out the attraction signals (mostly non-verbal: hair-flip, smile, eye-contact, conversational touching, etc.), he receives those signals, and then he "leads the dance" from there. But guys are usually pretty clueless about such things -- even if he receives the signals, he may have no idea how to proceed. ...and the whole thing goes nowhere. (This will be worse, all around, if you're into shy and/or nerdy guys.)

The way I see it, you can either: 1. wait for a guy who picks up on the subtle stuff (and is also interested in you), 2. make the signals more obvious (more touching, laughing at his jokes, smiling w/ eye contact, whisper in the ear, etc.), or 3. drive the whole process yourself, which it sounds like you're particularly interested in here. (And OMG you rock because it totally takes the pressure off him.)

Talk with him. Find out his interests. Literally, get to know him. Find out where your interests intersect -- could be rock-climbing, wine-tasting, running, painting, whatever -- then (if he doesn't propose an activity), then proactively propose an activity together. "I've been wanting to check out that new climbing gym. Wanna come?" or "Oooh, next week there's a wine tasting downtown. Wanna come?" Or you could go random. "All my sushi buddies are out of town and I'm craving big-time. What are you doing for supper tomorrow?" "You know, I haven't been to a single ball game this year. Are you free this Saturday afternoon?" You don't even need to call it a "date" cuz that's all high-pressure-like -- you're just... doing Stuff together.

Assuming he agrees to that "date", repeat the process and setup a second "date" while you're still on the first one. Or, even better, maybe he'll suggest something fun this time. Etc. Etc. Etc. If you want things more intimate, set yourselves up for a more intimate environment. Make dinner together at your place. Watch a movie at his. Touchy-touchy, feely-feely, kissy-kissy.

Then you make babies and stuff. Or at least practice a lot.
posted by LordSludge at 1:57 PM on April 23 [1 favorite]

All, you understand, in service to just getting to know this other person better. The possibility of a hook-up is secondary (although not completely disregarded.)

If you just paraphrased that, that would work perfectly fine with me (= straight guy). I'd far rather 'get to know somebody better' than go through any kind of relationship-interview 'date'.

Also, LordSludge: brilliant!
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:09 PM on April 23