Comments on: Surprisingly short jokes.

Question: Surprisingly short jokes.

Carbolic — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 08:28:44 -0800

I'm looking for jokes that sound like they are going to be very involved at the start but end up being very short. Examples:

Set up: A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
Bartender: What is this? Some kind of joke?

Set up: A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender: Hey fella, why the long face?

For whatever reason I just love these things and would like to find others.

By: Magnakai

Magnakai — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 08:32:18 -0800

Setp up: A man walks into a bar.

Ouch!

It was an iron bar.

That used to really crack me up when I was 10 or so. But probably best told out loud.

By: Green Eyed Monster

Green Eyed Monster — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 08:34:14 -0800

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says "i'd like a beer."
The bartender says "we don't serve food here."

A giraffe walks into a bar and says "high balls are on me!"

By: kittens for breakfast

kittens for breakfast — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 08:35:06 -0800

I'm not promising this will be funny, but here's one I remember from about fifth grade:

A priest, rabbi and a minister walked into a bar. The nun ducked.

By: iconomy

iconomy — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 08:39:21 -0800

You: Oh man, I just heard this really greatknock knock joke. Want to hear it?

Them: Sure.

You: You start.

Them: Ok.....knock knock.

You: Who's there?

Them: . . . 0_o

By: Hlewagast

Hlewagast — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 08:45:13 -0800

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a beer and a mop!"

By: horseblind

horseblind — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 08:45:29 -0800

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: <>

By: horseblind

horseblind — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 08:46:10 -0800

damnit. The answer is [make gagging sound].

By: Comrade_robot

Comrade_robot — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 08:48:56 -0800

There once was a man from Peru,
Whose limericks ended at line two.

There once was a man from Cancun.

By: AaRdVarK

AaRdVarK — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 08:49:35 -0800

You: Ask me if I'm a tree.
Them: Are you a tree?
You: No.

By: Dizzy

Dizzy — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:01:43 -0800

Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"

By: mkb

mkb — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:05:30 -0800

KNOCK KNOCK
who's there?
IMPATIENT COW
impat...
MOO

By: Floydd

Floydd — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:06:19 -0800

A baby seal walks into a club....

By: oddman

oddman — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:13:05 -0800

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Fish.

By: pdb

pdb — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:13:21 -0800

Q: Did you hear the one about the guy who walked into the bar?
A: It hurt.

Q: How many indie rock douchebags does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (derisively) You don't know?

Politically themed jokes:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
September 11.
September 11 who?
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!

Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysee?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.

By: therubettes

therubettes — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:14:19 -0800

A sandwich walks into a bar. Barman says "We dont serve food".

Guys walks into bar with some asphalt under his arm says "A beer and one for the road!"

By: ocherdraco

ocherdraco — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:21:12 -0800

Did you ever hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

By: MarvinJ

MarvinJ — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:28:03 -0800

Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "does this taste funny? "

Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

By: DevilsAdvocate

DevilsAdvocate — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:36:38 -0800

There once was a man from Peru,
Whose limericks ended at line two.

"Stopped" works better than "ended" here in terms of meter.

By: weapons-grade pandemonium

weapons-grade pandemonium — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:46:19 -0800

Tom Swifties would qualify, I hasten to add.

By: JonnyRotten

JonnyRotten — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:49:30 -0800

A Pirate walks into a bar with a large ship steering wheel attached to his crotch.
The bartender gives him a strange look, and asks "Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your crotch?"
The pirate responds "YARR!! It be drivin me nuts!"

By: pmbuko

pmbuko — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:57:17 -0800

Mitch Hedberg has some great ones.

By: mehum

mehum — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 10:04:46 -0800

Q: How many indie rock douchebags does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (derisively) You don't know?

pdb, I'm offended by that joke...maybe that means I should know ;)

By: Skot

Skot — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 10:09:04 -0800

"Ask me what the secret of comedy is."

"Okay, what's the--"

"TIMING!"

By: Diskeater

Diskeater — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 10:13:47 -0800

Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says "say, are you worried about getting mad cow disease?" The other cow says "holy crap! A talking cow!"

By: MegoSteve

MegoSteve — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 10:27:42 -0800

I don't know if these are what you are looking for, but I like 'em.

Grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

By: oaf

oaf — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 10:31:18 -0800

Mitch Hedberg has some great ones.

As does Stephen Wright. The only one that comes to mind at the moment is "Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting."

By: The GoBotSodomizer

The GoBotSodomizer — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 10:37:51 -0800

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Control freak! Now you say 'Control freak who?'

By: Pater Aletheias

Pater Aletheias — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 10:48:52 -0800

Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says "say, are you worried about getting mad cow disease?" The other cow says "holy crap! A talking cow!"

I prefer the version where the second cow says "Why should I be worried? I'm a helicopter!"

By: leakymem

leakymem — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 11:00:27 -0800

Two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Ba dum, chssh.

By: Oriole Adams

Oriole Adams — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 11:27:18 -0800

A duck walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist: "Gimme some Chapsitck; put it on my bill."

By: ChasFile

ChasFile — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 11:36:58 -0800

Why do elephants wear green shoes?
(dunno.)
To hide on pool tables.

Why do elephants wear pink shoes?
(dunno.)
To hide in cherry trees.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
(no.)
Works pretty good, doesn't it?

PS For years "What's brown and sticky?" has been my acid test for measuring a new acquaintance's sense of humor. Some day I will find someone who dies laughing at that joke and I will then promptly MARRY THAT PERSON.

By: Nodecam

Nodecam — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 11:49:39 -0800

From Monty Python:

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.

By: lunchbox

lunchbox — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 11:58:58 -0800

Two peanuts are walking down a street. One is assaulted.

By: Carbolic

Carbolic — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 12:07:23 -0800

These are great. I just love the stupidity of them. Sort of along the lines of why the Three Stooges are funny. Keep them coming.

By: reebear

reebear — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 12:33:45 -0800

Wanna hear a long joke followed by two short jokes?

Joooooooooooooooooooke, joke joke.

By: inigo2

inigo2 — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 12:40:02 -0800

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

Q: What's a foot long and slippery?
A: A slipper!

By: yath

yath — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 12:54:23 -0800

There once was a man from Cancun.

Cancun doesn't rhyme with one. I hope I'm not missing the joke...

By: everichon

everichon — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 12:59:00 -0800

Q: What did the sadist say to the masochist?
A: "No."

By: Netzapper

Netzapper — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 13:10:21 -0800

There once was a man from Cancun.

"There once was a man from Verdun" works way better.

By: Dizzy

Dizzy — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 13:12:09 -0800

Where do the Polish keep their armies?
In their sleevies.

By: dreaming in stereo

dreaming in stereo — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 13:41:10 -0800

Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
She says, "Idaho."

By: wallaby

wallaby — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 14:20:28 -0800

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says, "Moo."
The other says, "I knew you were going to say that!"

By: Happy Dave

Happy Dave — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 14:25:27 -0800

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.

What do you call an exploding monkey? A ba-boom.

By: CharlieChu

CharlieChu — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 16:09:26 -0800

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

By: Herman Hermanson

Herman Hermanson — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 16:32:57 -0800

knock knock
who's there?
kungf.

(also works with "tof")

By: christie

christie — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 20:23:42 -0800

Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
She says, "Idaho."

That reminds me of a joke my brother got me with once:

Him: Boise is the capital of what state?
Me: Idaho.
Him: (slaps me across the face) I da pimp.

Choose your audience carefully with that one.

By: turducken

turducken — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 21:03:25 -0800

I got this one from Lewis Black:

Two fish are in a tank, and one asks, "How do you drive this thing?"
The other says, "How the fuck should I know, I don't even have hands."

At the risk of mod rage, I recommend this documentary, which includes many of the jokes on this page, and lots more. (Full disclosure: I directed it.)

By: pointilist

pointilist — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 21:59:49 -0800

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam!

By: pracowity

pracowity — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 23:44:07 -0800

Not many of these jokes "sound like they are going to be very involved at the start but end up being very short."

By: BoscosMom

BoscosMom — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 23:44:37 -0800

Stephen Wright jokes.

By: allkindsoftime

allkindsoftime — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 00:38:02 -0800

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

---

What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

---

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

---

Why did the girl fall out of the swing?

Because she didn't have any arms.

---

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, duh. Unique up on it.

By: MarvinJ

MarvinJ — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 00:42:43 -0800

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven 'til it's bill withers

By: never used baby shoes

never used baby shoes — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 09:17:21 -0800

Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducked.

A vulture walks onto a plane with a dead armadillo. The flight attendant asks if she can help store his bag. He says "No thanks, its carrion."

By: SurrenderMonkey

SurrenderMonkey — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 10:05:19 -0800

A man walks into a bra.

By: benk

benk — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 20:20:53 -0800

Q: What do you call an armless man standing against a wall?

A: Art

Q: What do you call an armless man swimming?

A: Bob

Q: How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?

A: Wave

By: obiwanwasabi

obiwanwasabi — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 04:56:55 -0800

Is it just me, or do none of these jokes sound like they're going to be very involved, including the examples from the OP?

A woman comes home after a long day at work. She's flustered, because it's her husband's birthday, and she promised him she'd make his favorite cake. Unfortunately, things got a little hectic at the office, so she hasn't had time to go to the store to get the ingredients for the cake. She thinks she has enough ordinary baking stuff in the house to make do, but she's worried she hasn't had time to get the secret ingredient.

The secret ingredient was a family secret, handed down from her great-grandmother, to her grandmother, to her mother, to her. It was easily available at the store, but nobody - nobody - would ever think to use it in a cake. Everybody would notice something different when they tasted the cake, something extra-delicious, but nobody could pick what it was.

She decided to check the fridge to see if she had any of the secret ingredient left from last year's cake. Maybe she'd stashed it in the back, behind the jars of mystery pickles and cream cheese spread.

She opened the fridge door.

There was a rabbit lying sitting on the middle shelf.

"Hi!" said the rabbit.

"Erm, hi," said the lady. "What are you doing in my refrigerator?"

"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" asked the rabbit.

"Yes, it is," said the lady.

"Well," said the rabbit, "I'm westing."

By: SurrenderMonkey

SurrenderMonkey — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 09:10:24 -0800

Watch this joke delivered by the great Dylan Moran.

By: the_bone

the_bone — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 14:16:57 -0800

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

By: pracowity

pracowity — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 14:57:40 -0800

Is it just me, or do none of these jokes sound like they're going to be very involved, including the examples from the OP?

I think people failed to read beyond the title ("Surprisingly short jokes.") and just regurgitated the same old jokes we've seen here several times.

By: Deathalicious

Deathalicious — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 08:49:11 -0800

Okay, in the vein of really long jokes that are actually short (from a friend of mine) I offer: the Voodoo Orange!

Okay, so a railroad conductor commits a murder and is tried and convicted, and sentenced to death. In those days they used the electric chair, and so he was sentenced to die in the chair.

The night before his execution, they asked him what he wanted to eat for his last meal.

"I want...a Voodoo Orange!"

"A voodoo orange?!? Where can we find such a thing?" they asked?

"In the middle of Tibet, there is a giant desert. In that desert, there is a small oasis shaped like an eye. In the center of that oasis is a tall, tall tree. At the top of that tree is the voodoo orange."

So they had someone take a flight to China, then a train to Tibet. The traveler asked around and was finally directed to the desert where he took a camel and a guide to the oasis described. They found the tree, and the guide shimmied up the tree and plucked the voodoo orange from the top of the tree.

As it turned out, this took around a month, so the man's execution got delayed for all that time, but finally the voodoo orange arrived from Tibet and was ceremoniously handed to the condemned man, who ate it with relish and pronounced it delicious.

That evening he was brought to the chair in front of a set of witnesses. The atmosphere was charged; everyone wanted to see this man who had requested such an unusual last meal.

The man sat in the chair and was strapped down. The lever went down, and electricity surged over his body.

But with no effect. The man appeared totally unharmed. They tried over and over to kill him, but with no success.

"We'll have to increase the power of the chair." Said the technician. "Should take a week or two."

The night before his second execution, the prisoner was again offered a final meal.

"I want....another Voodoo Orange!"

"Not Tibet again!" The warden cried.

"No, the second voodoo orange is located in the depths of the bush of Australia. 80 miles from the smallest town in the bush, there is a small canyon. And in that canyon is a cave. And in that cave there is a small bush, and on that bush grows the other voodoo orange.

So again they arranged for a traveler, who fly to Australia and took a jeep into the bush. From their, they hired an aboriginal tracker to guide them to the canyon. At the canyon the guide rappelled down the side, entered the cave, and plucked the voodoo orange from the bush.

They returned, gave the orange to the prisoner, who said "Delicious."

Next day, the second execution. This time, the crowd was even larger: who was this strange man, who could not be killed with a normal chair?

He was seated in the new chair, which was huge with giant connectors for the millions of volts that were to pass through his body. Again, the lever came down. The lights flickered, and sparks flew off the chair to the pipes in the ceiling.

But the man remained unharmed.

The technician said, "Give me another 3 weeks! I'll create a chair that will fry this guy for good."

Again he was led back to his cell, and three weeks later was asked what he wanted for his final meal. "A Voodoo Orange!" He exclaimed.

The warden wept: "Where now?!? The jungles of Africa? The wilds of Montana?"

"No," said the prisoner, "In New York's Central Park, there is a tall tree with a voodoo orange on it. Easy."

Train to New York, grabbed orange, came back. "Delicious!" said the man.

Huge crowd, even bigger chair. They sit the condemned man down, pull the lever, and an entire city block goes black. The technician gets electrocuted himself and has to sit down. The wires eventually melt and the chair catches on fire. But the prisoner is untouched.

They finally have to let him go because it's not possible to execute him. As he leaves the prison, someone asks the warden why the chair never worked.

"I guess he just wasn't a good conductor."

Badump-shhh!

By: felix

felix — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 12:46:59 -0800

Tinsel is just mirrors for snakes. (Steven Wright)