I'm not a perv! I swear!

April 16, 2008 9:22 PM

How best do I meet with a girl from facebook?

I've been chatting with a girl from facebook for a while now. We are talking about various things, but not directly flirting. I want to meet her and see if I can take things further, but I want to do so in a safe and non-pressured manner.

The last girl I chatted with this way, as soon as I suggested meeting, simply disappeared. I can understand - it's quite a but of pressure to change from an online friendship to a real life one.

What's the best strategy? I thought of casually mentioning I would be at a concert that matches her liked music, without directly inviting, but that seems like it will end up with me there alone.

Any ideas?

posted by anonymous to human relations (10 comments total)

Presumably you "met" her through a common friend, right? Perhaps that friend needs to throw a party. You're right that "let's meet" is a great way to scare someone these days (it wasn't always that way, I can say from personal experience that you could meet twenty new people in person a night just by logging into a chat room, but that's a bit when-we-were-kids-we-roamed-the-wild-plains-of-the-village) but asking if someone is going to be at a common friend's party is about the best option you can get.

Just, er, if she says she'll be there, don't be all "AWESOM I WILL BE THERES WITH BELLS ONS."
posted by davejay at 9:27 PM on April 16 [2 favorites]

If the girl you were chatted with before simply disappeared after you suggested meeting then just that one individual girl wasn't interested in meeting you. No loss on your part. You're looking for someone who wants to meet you in the flesh, not someone who can't handle meeting you.

Trying to guess that she'll get the hint that you want to meet by mentioning a concert is just a waste of time. Just ask her if she wants to meet. If she's interested, she'll say yes. If she's not interested she may say no or disappear, and if that's the case she's not someone you're looking for anyway.

You have nothing to lose by being direct.

Coffee houses and other public venues where the noise level is such that you can talk are good first meeting places. Concerts are not the best place for a first meeting.
posted by ShooBoo at 10:21 PM on April 16

FWIW, back in those days when chat rooms were relatively new, I had a few occasions where I backed out of a burgeoning friendship when the other person asked if we could meet - not because I thought they might be a pervert or otherwise dangerous, but because (at the time*) my self-esteem was pretty crappy. I was certain that if we met face to face the other person would find me completely disappointing and unappealing - the likelihood of rejection loomed so large in my mind that I just couldn't bring myself to even consider meeting these folks no matter how much I enjoyed our conversations.

I'm just saying that no matter how you ask this person out, if she turns you down or spins off into the ether, try not to automatically assume it had something to do with you. Furthermore, don't automatically assume that the way you asked the LAST person out was what caused her to disappear - i.e., don't rule out the direct approach simply because it didn't work with that one person.

Maybe your best bet would be a combination of ShooBoo's and davejay's ideas: give "directness" a try, but before you do so, talk to the Facebook contact through which you know her (if you can), tell them you're thinking of asking her about a face-to-face meeting, and seeing what THEY say based on (persumably) knowing her a little better. If for any reason that isn't possible, then as a backup maybe it'd help to just tell a close friend or two your planned approach and see if they think it sounds at all unsettling or if it seems fine - a little "sanity check" never hurts when you're so close to the matter that it's hard to tell for sure what's okay and what might not be. Good luck =)

*(in her best John Cleese voice) 'I got better...'
posted by zeph at 4:42 AM on April 17

The thing to remember is that there's nothing weird or pervy about what you are doing. It's the most natural thing to do after chatting with someone for a while. So don't apologize for it. If she says no, it doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
posted by sully75 at 6:26 AM on April 17

I agree with the posters who are saying you shouldn't read too much into the last girl's disappearance. Ask this girl to have a beverage with you. If she disappears or demurs, she's probably only into chatting. If you want to actually date, you'll need to find someone else who does too. The less time you spend on someone who's only into sweet online nothings, the more time you'll have to find someone who is serious about pursuing something in the real world.
posted by orange swan at 7:31 AM on April 17

Yeah... I mean, who knows what the heck was going on with the past girl who disappeared. Coulda been anything... I wouldn't read anything into it.

There's nothing wrong with being direct. Maybe just escalate it a little bit: "Hey! We've got a lot in common, why don't we chat on the phone?" ... or... "You seem cool, let's go grab a drink sometime. What's the best way to set something up?"
posted by ph00dz at 9:20 AM on April 17

Just ask her on a date, if a date is what you want with her. If she disappears, she wasn't that into you.

The issue is not whether you ask outright or drop hints. Ask outright. The scary/pervy issue is what you ask her to do with you. Go to a concert of music she likes? Sure. Coffee at a busy coffehouse? Good idea. Long hike in a remote park that is little used and is a 90-min drive away? No way.
posted by caitlinb at 10:10 AM on April 17

What's the distance between you both?
posted by stackhaus23 at 10:38 AM on April 17

I'd preface it with a few compliments (ones you mean, not faux ones). i.e.:

"It's rare I run into someone who likes Widgets II: the Bloody Aftermath, and it's been fun talking with you so far. Do you work in Wocketville? Perhaps we could grab coffee somewhere after work."

Shared interest + low pressure phrasing + compliments = better chances.
posted by WCityMike at 10:50 AM on April 17

next time you're going somewhere or doing somthing, tell her about it and if she professes interest. invite her to join you. it doesnt put her in an uncomfortable position if she dont want to because you're doing it whether she joins you or not. if she would but already got plans it opens the door for the next time you're doing something similar to invite her a lot sooner. And also the see how the lay of the land is afterwards, shame you couldnt come....next time etc.

if you ask straight up for a date they'll be envisioning all sorts of things about you that probably arent true, even on social networking sites, females get propositioned You're up against the stigma caused by all the other guys who have dishonorable intentions. this is the same line of thinking to what wcitymike says:
shared interest + low pressure.

also Ive met enough females off the net to know what ppl are like online and what they're like in real life is not the same thing. the reality here is you need to meet her and be around her to really know if you like her. the same is true for her in terms of preconceived ideas females have about guys on the net. when you ask about a date, if you still like her, you want her in possession of the facts of the real you not your online persona + her misconceptions.

re:concerts
dont be doing things you wouldnt do yourself and wouldnt do by yourself. cos if she dont turn up you want to have had a good time regardless.
posted by browolf at 4:42 AM on April 26