Trying to be a good sister

April 13, 2008 9:36 PM

My younger sister often complains about feeling lonely and I'm having a hard time trying to find the right words to say to her.

My sister in 19. She's a great girl--really sweet, pretty, mature and smart for her age and wickedly funny. Only, she's quite shy, so she's never had a boyfriend, and this makes her sad.

Lately, I find her mentioning how lonely she is so I try my best to comfort her. I tell her that she's still very young and I'm sure she'll eventually find the right guy. I also tell her that she's lucky to have the close family and friends she has because a lot people don't have that. I say these things kindly and sincerely. She's still often sad about not having a boyfriend, so I try to encourage her to meet more people.

I really do try my best to make her feel better, but it doesn't seem to do any good. Now, I often feel that I don't know what to say anymore and I don't want to keep repeating myself. I'm quite young myself (23) so I feel that perhaps it's my inexperience that leaves me without the right words to say. And this makes me inadequate as an older sister.

What else can I do or say to ease this loneliness my sister feels?

posted by blithely to human relations (14 comments total)

For the record, I think you already are being a good sister.

You say you encourage her to meet more people; do you say this generally, or do you make specific suggestions? Just curious. I don't know if that's the kind of thing you feel comfortable doing, but it might be helpful for her (as in, 'have you tried joining x or going to y? that sounds fun'). What's she interested in? Is she a student? Living at home or at elsewhere? Near you or not? Working?

Since you're relatively close in age, is there any possibility of you and her both doing something together (taking a class of some kind, for example?) She might feel more comfortable exploring something new if she's got you to back her up.

I know a lot of women her age who are in a similar boat (didn't date in high school, and now feel like they've missed out and don't know how to catch up). And, really, you are right; she will eventually find the right guy. There are whole swaths of dudes (myself included) her age who (1) are wicked shy themselves, (2) are fantastically attracted to shy, pretty, mature girls, (3) who are in their late teens/early twenties and have never had a real girlfriend, so her odds are good.
posted by dismas at 9:54 PM on April 13 [1 favorite]

You could try to help her find someone so she doesn't feel so lonely. What has worked for you, what she could change/work on, making time for nights out to meet new people together, specific advice so that she has something to focus on something concrete instead of pining away for that ephemeral someone. All the comforting isn't doing anything to change a situation she obviously isn't happy with, she may be trying to ask you for help without coming right out and asking. If you also feel inexperienced and underqualified, explain that to her and use the opportunity to go out and meet people together. I'm no expert either, so I may be totally off base.
posted by sophist at 9:56 PM on April 13

This may not work and may get written off as contrived, but what I found really helped me in times of general unhappiness was saying to myself "This too, shall pass" and then honestly believing it. Life is a series of ups and downs, and soon enough she shall get her up. (Also, totally atheist here, but the first four lines of the Serenity Prayer was really helpful. I'd take a step back when I got too upset, take a deep breath, and recite it to myself. Minus the appeal to a deity, YMMV.)

Having a boyfriend is not the be-all end-all of life. Maybe have her read some AskMe threads and see that it's not all roses and happiness. It can be hard if all she sees is the public face of her friends being gloriously happy, so maybe a bit of reality check would help? I'm not trying to condescend, by the way, since I genuinely understand why she feels like that, but try to get her see that having time to herself is a really good thing, and worth more than she thinks.

But! In the meantime. What hobbies does she have? Any way those hobbies could be harnessed towards a more social setting? E.g. a love for reading = book club, a love for art = group art lessons, etc. There are groups and clubs for virtually everything, and she's sure to find some likeminded people. Have her not go in the mindset of "I must find boyfriend", but rather just to meet new people, which is sure to help her self-confidence as well. Besides, boyfriends are just friends who become something more, IMHO, so meeting people definitely can't hurt. If she's shy, could you maybe offer to go to these meetings with her? This way, you'd take the first step in arranging something (which can seem daunting, if you're shy/sad), she'd have someone there with her to both support her and encourage her to continue attending.

And finally, a spot of advice for you. Watch out for signs of depression. I gather she's first or second year University? Whether or not she lives at home, this is still an environment in which it is very easy to find yourself alone. Stuff like changes in sleeping pattern, eating pattern, disinterest in previous hobbies, etc... I don't want to be the worry wart here, but it's better to know what to look for rather than gloss over something because it seems unpleasant, y'know?

She sounds awesome, FWIW. And I really really wish I had a big sister like you to wach out for me :)
posted by Phire at 9:57 PM on April 13 [2 favorites]

I find that acceptance of what someone is feeling and where they are at in life, and just basically being loving towards them is most helpful. Usually when someone tries to cheer me up or feels guilty that they can't make me feel better, it just makes it worse. You could say something like:

Empathize "I understand how you feel. I've felt like that too sometimes. I think it's totally normal and human to feel like that. I'm happy to listen if you just want to talk about it."

and, sometimes the opposite works.

"Ok, no loneliness today, we're saving that story for later, we're going out to have fun" Then go do something physical like hike or run or ice skate or yoga, that usually helps.

I think you're being a good sister by just wanting to help.
posted by healthyliving at 10:04 PM on April 13 [1 favorite]

I'm shy, too, so I know how your sister feels.

What works great for me is, my best friend (who's like a sibling to me) is outgoing. He introduces me to his friends, and engages me in conversation with them. When we go out for coffee, he chats up the baristas, or the waiters if its lunch. He gets me to sign up for classes with him, and then makes friends with classmates, the teacher, the janitor...

And a) I get to see him in action, and observe him interacting with people, b) I feel safe when I'm with him, and I start to come out of my shell a little and interact myself with waiters, strangers, etc., and c) When I do these things, and I don't die, it gives me a little boost of confidence, so the next time I'm getting coffee on my own, I find myself being just a little bit more outgoing too.

It's important not to make your sister feel like there's anything wrong with being shy. Because for some of us, this is just the way we are, and that's that. While I can have moments of being more outgoing like my best friend, I completely accept and understand that I'm not wired like he is, and that's okay.

But I'm sure once your sis starts practicing being a little more outgoing, people will respond to her, she'll start making new friends, and maybe one of them will be a guy... :)
posted by polyester.lumberjack at 11:03 PM on April 13

Is your sister really shy around guys in general, or just in potentially-could-lead-to-dating situations? I ask because most of the guys I've dated were regular friends first. Sometimes you just need to stop looking for potential lovers and start looking for potential friends and the rest will sort itself out.
posted by tuffbunny at 11:21 PM on April 13

One of my favorite things that my mother taught me I didn't believe at the time. When I was about your sister's age, I complained to her of loneliness. My mother, a woman who raised a lot of kids, has many friends, always people around her if she wants, said to teenage me, "It's one of the hardest things about life. At times it's incredibly lonely."

At the time it didn't really register, but over the years it's one of the greatest things she could have ever done. Because through all the what seems like unbearable loneliness, I knew that this was something that we all go through. It's part of the crazy wondrous frustrating sad journey. And as others have said above, it comes and goes.

It can be tough for family members to help each other through it, because often, there's a feeling like they don't count. Your sister is looking for companionship outside of the family. It sounds like you are being a great sister. Hear her, acknowledge her, love her. Encourage her to meet new people. The boyfriends will come.
posted by miles1972 at 11:45 PM on April 13 [2 favorites]

It doesn't sound like it from your description, but are you in any way enabling your sis' defeatist attitude? People naturally tend to repeat behaviors and avoid change, and it sounds like your sister could use a different environment to change her life. Do what you can to enable that change, and be supportive. Only you know, but that may include "tough love" methods, like engineering a situation in which sis is forced to be social? Ultimately it's up to her to change her life, and if you are feeling like a broken record, that's actually a burden your sister is unfairly putting on you.
posted by zardoz at 2:43 AM on April 14

In situations like this, it really is the thought that counts.
A couple of things though:
One, perhaps recommend speed dating and okcupid (online dating, free site that's popular).
Two, maybe recommend some books on Buddhism or emotional intelligence or something so she can explore her loneliness.
posted by Furious Fitness at 5:50 AM on April 14

speaking as someone who has wrestled with an introverted nature all my life i would advise against "tough love" - it can be the equivalent of being thrown in the deep end as your first lesson in swimming - this can produce the effect of never wanting to go near a pool again

rushing things like intimate relationships is usually not a good idea - there's nothing written that says we all have to have boyfriends/girlfriends by a certain age - nor anything on finding the "right" someone - many people end up with "wrong" ones over & over

one thing that might be helpful is to ask her: what are you looking for in a boyfriend? what do you think a boyfriend would bring to your life? this would help you if you really wanted to play matchmaker at all - but it would also help her in articulating & then knowing what the elements of a good relationship would be for her (e.g. respect, communication, etc.) and what she wouldn't or shouldn't put up with (e.g., abuse, lies, etc.)

a lot of stress & conflict in relationships happens due to folks simply not knowing what they want/expect/need

best of luck - you sound like a wonderful sister & she's lucky to have you
posted by jammy at 5:54 AM on April 14

Perhaps what your sister has isn't just shyness but some degree of social anxiety, which is more common than most people think. I didn't hear about social anxiety until I was 32 and just knowing more about it helped me a lot, so I feel I wasted a lot of time and wish I had known about it earlier. Also things that work for social anxiety can also be helpful for shyness too, so even if she rejects the label "socially anxious" some of the books may help her anyway. A quick search on Google will find several tests to show if that's the problem. A book that helped me a lot is "Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe" by Signe Dayhoff and also "Shybusters" by Leil Lowndes is an easy and upbeat read. The book "Shy and Single" may also be helpful with the boyfriend issue.

My own story is that personally I got a lot of benefit from going to local meetings of social anxiety sufferers, these were not therapy groups just socialising practice, but I found I worried much less about being judged amongst similar people to myself. A little account of my progress can be found at www.geocities.com/nelconsult. Now I am less active in those groups and am able to mix with non-shy people too, I have had good results with my local www.meetup.com groups (movie fans, coffee lovers, and new in town are good places to start and there are shyness Meetup groups in the larger cities too) and in the US you have Meetin.org too. I think most people enjoy meeting people in the right circumstances and in my case I find these groups make socialising enjoyable whereas when I was younger being amongst my peers involved some degree of fear that conversation would turn to sexual topics, where I had little experience.

Good luck to you both, she is lucky to have a sister who is looking out for her and not in denial about the issue.
posted by AuroraSky at 7:25 AM on April 14

I would say that part of the issue here is your thinking you can help her with words. As others have pointed out, she needs actions more than words. If you yourself are not also stricken with shyness, then the best thing you can do is take her around to places and be vivacious and help her make new friends. Enacting change in one's personality is far far easier when it comes about as emulation rather than exploration.
If everything you say about her is true, then she sounds like some man's dream girl. Ignore common opinions and attitudes, but go for common interests. That's how you get a good relationship going, in my experience. If she's going to/about to go to college, have her join some clubs related to her interests. Even online communities that are locally centered and offer the chance for group meet-ups are good. The key is to meet as many people as possible. As the old adage goes, throw enough shit at the wall, some of it's going to stick! If you're not in a position to be there physically for her and help be a role model in social interactions, try to encourage her by pointing out that very few people see shyness as a huge impediment to romantic relationships (or even friendship) like they might see, for instance, racism or stupidity. It sounds like your sister has a lot going for her, so I suspect her failure is due solely to lack of trying, and that's where you might be best able to help.
As a side note, nothing piques my interest as much as a woman that makes me laugh.
posted by GoingToShopping at 7:46 AM on April 14

I've occasionally felt very very lonely, and friends and family have often said encouraging things to me that were very much appreciated. But of course, words alone can't solve the problem. It sounds to me like you're saying the right thing, and repeating yourself isn't necessarily a bad thing. But keep in mind that although encouragement and kind words are valuable, you're probably not going to be able to solve the problem with a pep talk.

If your sister is lonely and shy, how about trying to expose her to more people and create more opportunities for her? You could organize a gathering of some kind and invite some people your sister doesn't know well - keep it to maybe 4-6 people so that it stays warm and nobody has a chance to be lost in the crowd. Maybe she'll make some new friends. Even if she doesn't hit it off with them, the experience might help her and boost her self-esteem.
posted by Vorteks at 1:33 PM on April 14

Thanks everyone for all of the great advice. We do live together and we do, along with our older sister and younger brother, hang out quite frequently. I do like to include her in my circle of friends every now and then, to expose her to more people, and she seems to enjoy the company. Taking a class or joining a club together is another good option--I know she definitely wouldn't want to be by herself.

Would you believe that she just went on her first date ever? A friend of a friend asked her out. Unfortunately, it didn't go well (he brought a friend along, wtf?), but she took it as a learning experience.

Here's to many more learning experiences ahead!
posted by blithely at 12:24 PM on April 19