At the whims and fancies of someone unsure of what they want?
April 11, 2008 7:46 PM Subscribe
Badly in need of advice. Long, complicated story spanning 3 countries and 5 people.
Warning: VERY long story ahead. Ok, so I was with my girlfriend for 3 years, and never once did I cheat, or was tempted to cheat or anything. We had many problems, many of them mine, and she forgave me. She spent half of the 3 years abroad, and half of the other 3 with me, so it was pretty difficult, but we trusted each other. She's also a few years younger than I am.
Late last year I moved to another country to go to graduate school. It was just after my gf and I spent a vacation together where we had a great time, but that time was preceded by some very difficult ones. She said after we parted, she had time to think about all the problems we had, and began talking to a guy online who she knew a little bit, and things progressed into more than a normal friendship.
I found out about it, felt hurt and betrayed, and when we met again in December she lied about meeting him for coffee, and talking to him etc. He liked her and hed be at places shed frequent, and they ended up meeting and talking.
When I came back to grad school, other incidents involving the guy happened and I ended the relationship. However, I also started talking to this girl from my class, very smart, witty and good looking. She displayed an interest in me, we started talking a lot, however she had a boyfriend. She said they were on the verge of breaking up. We got along great, went out one night and kissed, then she felt guilty, and we went home.
Her bf realized something was going on with her, and told her he's willing to forget it, if she ends it. That was the first time she told me we needed to stop talking. I was pretty hurt by it because I had really started liking her, we had talked about many things and hit it off; I thought we had a good chance of getting together.
A couple days later we started talking again, and wed talk on the phone, talk in school, but never went out again because there were always ppl around that knew her and her bf.
After a couple weeks, I asked her if she's going to break up with her bf, because I couldnt handle knowing that she was with someone else. She said no she's not going to, she feels obligated to him because when she was in a very bad state she got together with him and he took care of her and put her back on her feet, and she feels obligated to him. Plus he treats her so well, irons her clothes, makes breakfast for her, lets her drive his car to work while he gets the bus, etc. She doesnt want to be the type of person her ex-fiance was. She was engaged before her current bf, planning the wedding, then found out her fiance was cheating on her all the time. That really wrecked her emotionally, and now she basically hates all men. She got depressed, quit her job, moved away for a while etc, pretty much wrecked. Obviously its not all obligation shes with him for, she obviously loves him too. He's at her house much of the time, gets along with all her family and almost lives there.
So when I asked her about it, she got upset, said we needed to stop talking, we can just be friends, nothing more. As before, a couple days later, either Id call her, or shed call me making up some flimsy excuse, and wed talk for hours. We'd talk about many things, and I questions shed ask me are things shed want to know before, say, we ever got together. We'd also talk about many personal things you wouldnt share with everyone. However, although shed make time to talk to me, whenever her bf was around, she couldnt accept my calls, and most of the time I call she wouldnt answer, but would call back. Essentially we spoke mostly when she wanted us to. Sometimes Id call her at work to say hi, hang up, then shed call back immediately after, and wed talk till she had to go.
As time went on again, Id confront her about what shes doing, I couldnt handle the situation, then shed get upset again and say we need to stop talking, shes not leaving her bf. This happened about 7-8 times. I couldnt understand because of the many things wed talk about, I found it astonishing it was so easy for her to just cut off from me. She had told me she finds it easy to just stop talking to people, but I couldnt believe it was this easy. Whenever she said we need to stop talking, Id sit around by the phone waiting for her to call, and then shed call and act normal, and we'd fall into the cycle again.
Essentially, everything was in her control. A few days ago, we were in a study room together, and I told her I was going to kiss her, she said ok, and at the last moment turned away. Then she got upset again, we both did, and went through the entire we cant be around each other thing again, how would I feel if my gf was doing this, etc. I persuaded her to stay cause we needed to study, and we did, but it was awkward. That night, she called! For no reason, just to chat. After the entire argument about not talking on the phone and being just friends, she called.
Yesterday we were in a study room together alone, and we were basically playing around, and one thing led to the next and I basically got to second base with her. We eventually studied till in the afternoon, she called me when I was still on the way home for no reason. Called me again after that. At night we spoke, and she said things went way overboard, its not ever going to happen again, and we need to stop talking, for real this time (shes said that before). We can just meet to study, and no talking apart from that.
Oh, when she has these discussions with me, she acts so cold, as if Im a complete stranger, and not the same person shes called crying when she was having a hard time in school, and the same person she sat and talked to and cried about how hurtful her past was. So cold it surprises me, and thats what hurts the most, the coldness. Whenever Im around her and feeling down cause of the latest severing of communication, she asks me why Im down. I then ask her why do you think, and she says never mind. We've been studying for the last 2 weeks, and shed brace her foot against mine, and other little physical things, that just encourage me more.
Today I saw her at school, told her good luck on the exam. Afterward she left but I called her, we talked for a while, then she called back spoke for a short while. In the afternoon she called in response to a msg I sent her and we spoke for about 20 minutes. Tonight I tried calling her, it rang out, and she called back. We spoke for a short time then her bf came over and she had to come off the phone.
At the same time, my exgf, has been begging me for us to get back together, and has paid half of the plane ticket for me to go up and see her in one week. I still love her, but things have changed after her actions, and my actions, none of which she knows about. This girl from my class is my age, which is about 4 years older than my exgf, is much more mature, and a completely different person than my exgf, who is also very attractive and cute in her own different way. They are very different people.
Every time the girl from my class has to go because her bf arrives, every time she tells me we need to stop talking, every time he calls when we're studying, every time he picks her up, I feel like so much shit. She's pretty much the one who dictates how, when or if we talk. But she refuses to leave her bf. She also basically controls him, he does whatever she wants, when she wants, how she wants. He does practically everything for her, she hardly ever has to do anything.
I also feel so terrible because I think in some ways I broke up with my exgf to be with her, instead of trying harder at a 3yr relationship. And now Im the one left out in the cold. Whenever she feels like she calls me or talks to me, but I dont always have access to her. And Ive been the fool to just accept that kind of treatment.
I know she likes me, well I'm pretty sure she does, she just can't keep away from me every time she says we need to stop talking, but whenever she decides, she gets so cold, cuts me off and goes back to her bf.
Im leaving in a week to try to work things out with my exgf. Ive hidden from the girl in my class the fact that my exgf will be where Im going, I guess because Im holding out that something will work out between us. But more and more I'm realizing what kind of person she is. My exgf is very committed to trying to work things out, and has been for all of the last 3 months.
Please, any advice is much appreciated. I am sorry this is so long, but it's a complicated story.
Warning: VERY long story ahead. Ok, so I was with my girlfriend for 3 years, and never once did I cheat, or was tempted to cheat or anything. We had many problems, many of them mine, and she forgave me. She spent half of the 3 years abroad, and half of the other 3 with me, so it was pretty difficult, but we trusted each other. She's also a few years younger than I am.
Late last year I moved to another country to go to graduate school. It was just after my gf and I spent a vacation together where we had a great time, but that time was preceded by some very difficult ones. She said after we parted, she had time to think about all the problems we had, and began talking to a guy online who she knew a little bit, and things progressed into more than a normal friendship.
I found out about it, felt hurt and betrayed, and when we met again in December she lied about meeting him for coffee, and talking to him etc. He liked her and hed be at places shed frequent, and they ended up meeting and talking.
When I came back to grad school, other incidents involving the guy happened and I ended the relationship. However, I also started talking to this girl from my class, very smart, witty and good looking. She displayed an interest in me, we started talking a lot, however she had a boyfriend. She said they were on the verge of breaking up. We got along great, went out one night and kissed, then she felt guilty, and we went home.
Her bf realized something was going on with her, and told her he's willing to forget it, if she ends it. That was the first time she told me we needed to stop talking. I was pretty hurt by it because I had really started liking her, we had talked about many things and hit it off; I thought we had a good chance of getting together.
A couple days later we started talking again, and wed talk on the phone, talk in school, but never went out again because there were always ppl around that knew her and her bf.
After a couple weeks, I asked her if she's going to break up with her bf, because I couldnt handle knowing that she was with someone else. She said no she's not going to, she feels obligated to him because when she was in a very bad state she got together with him and he took care of her and put her back on her feet, and she feels obligated to him. Plus he treats her so well, irons her clothes, makes breakfast for her, lets her drive his car to work while he gets the bus, etc. She doesnt want to be the type of person her ex-fiance was. She was engaged before her current bf, planning the wedding, then found out her fiance was cheating on her all the time. That really wrecked her emotionally, and now she basically hates all men. She got depressed, quit her job, moved away for a while etc, pretty much wrecked. Obviously its not all obligation shes with him for, she obviously loves him too. He's at her house much of the time, gets along with all her family and almost lives there.
So when I asked her about it, she got upset, said we needed to stop talking, we can just be friends, nothing more. As before, a couple days later, either Id call her, or shed call me making up some flimsy excuse, and wed talk for hours. We'd talk about many things, and I questions shed ask me are things shed want to know before, say, we ever got together. We'd also talk about many personal things you wouldnt share with everyone. However, although shed make time to talk to me, whenever her bf was around, she couldnt accept my calls, and most of the time I call she wouldnt answer, but would call back. Essentially we spoke mostly when she wanted us to. Sometimes Id call her at work to say hi, hang up, then shed call back immediately after, and wed talk till she had to go.
As time went on again, Id confront her about what shes doing, I couldnt handle the situation, then shed get upset again and say we need to stop talking, shes not leaving her bf. This happened about 7-8 times. I couldnt understand because of the many things wed talk about, I found it astonishing it was so easy for her to just cut off from me. She had told me she finds it easy to just stop talking to people, but I couldnt believe it was this easy. Whenever she said we need to stop talking, Id sit around by the phone waiting for her to call, and then shed call and act normal, and we'd fall into the cycle again.
Essentially, everything was in her control. A few days ago, we were in a study room together, and I told her I was going to kiss her, she said ok, and at the last moment turned away. Then she got upset again, we both did, and went through the entire we cant be around each other thing again, how would I feel if my gf was doing this, etc. I persuaded her to stay cause we needed to study, and we did, but it was awkward. That night, she called! For no reason, just to chat. After the entire argument about not talking on the phone and being just friends, she called.
Yesterday we were in a study room together alone, and we were basically playing around, and one thing led to the next and I basically got to second base with her. We eventually studied till in the afternoon, she called me when I was still on the way home for no reason. Called me again after that. At night we spoke, and she said things went way overboard, its not ever going to happen again, and we need to stop talking, for real this time (shes said that before). We can just meet to study, and no talking apart from that.
Oh, when she has these discussions with me, she acts so cold, as if Im a complete stranger, and not the same person shes called crying when she was having a hard time in school, and the same person she sat and talked to and cried about how hurtful her past was. So cold it surprises me, and thats what hurts the most, the coldness. Whenever Im around her and feeling down cause of the latest severing of communication, she asks me why Im down. I then ask her why do you think, and she says never mind. We've been studying for the last 2 weeks, and shed brace her foot against mine, and other little physical things, that just encourage me more.
Today I saw her at school, told her good luck on the exam. Afterward she left but I called her, we talked for a while, then she called back spoke for a short while. In the afternoon she called in response to a msg I sent her and we spoke for about 20 minutes. Tonight I tried calling her, it rang out, and she called back. We spoke for a short time then her bf came over and she had to come off the phone.
At the same time, my exgf, has been begging me for us to get back together, and has paid half of the plane ticket for me to go up and see her in one week. I still love her, but things have changed after her actions, and my actions, none of which she knows about. This girl from my class is my age, which is about 4 years older than my exgf, is much more mature, and a completely different person than my exgf, who is also very attractive and cute in her own different way. They are very different people.
Every time the girl from my class has to go because her bf arrives, every time she tells me we need to stop talking, every time he calls when we're studying, every time he picks her up, I feel like so much shit. She's pretty much the one who dictates how, when or if we talk. But she refuses to leave her bf. She also basically controls him, he does whatever she wants, when she wants, how she wants. He does practically everything for her, she hardly ever has to do anything.
I also feel so terrible because I think in some ways I broke up with my exgf to be with her, instead of trying harder at a 3yr relationship. And now Im the one left out in the cold. Whenever she feels like she calls me or talks to me, but I dont always have access to her. And Ive been the fool to just accept that kind of treatment.
I know she likes me, well I'm pretty sure she does, she just can't keep away from me every time she says we need to stop talking, but whenever she decides, she gets so cold, cuts me off and goes back to her bf.
Im leaving in a week to try to work things out with my exgf. Ive hidden from the girl in my class the fact that my exgf will be where Im going, I guess because Im holding out that something will work out between us. But more and more I'm realizing what kind of person she is. My exgf is very committed to trying to work things out, and has been for all of the last 3 months.
Please, any advice is much appreciated. I am sorry this is so long, but it's a complicated story.
you need a whole girlfriend instead someone else's leftovers.
posted by elle.jeezy at 7:55 PM on April 11, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by elle.jeezy at 7:55 PM on April 11, 2008 [3 favorites]
This girl from your class is enjoying the attentions of two men, and she's enjoying the drama she has going with you. Sure, she's attracted to you and might date you exclusively if she were single -- but she's not single. She's not going to break up with her main guy; she's going to continue to lie to him and to tease you. You need to forget about her, which is hard to do because she soesn't want you to forget about her.
The ex-girlfriend... she's not that into you, and you're really not into her. It doesn't sound like that relationship has any future. And since neither of you is particularly good at being honest, it probably won't end well.
posted by wryly at 7:58 PM on April 11, 2008 [4 favorites]
The ex-girlfriend... she's not that into you, and you're really not into her. It doesn't sound like that relationship has any future. And since neither of you is particularly good at being honest, it probably won't end well.
posted by wryly at 7:58 PM on April 11, 2008 [4 favorites]
Let me be among the first of the inevitable pile of people to say:
this is not complicated.
You do not need to be with either of these girls.
You will be better off if you take some time for yourself and find somebody who [I know this will sound crazy, but] respects you, and treats you well.
In the meantime - it's spring!
Go walk in the woods, or whatever kind of nature you have at your disposal. Learn to kayak or something.
Don't think about girls for a while, if you can manage.
posted by Acari at 7:59 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
this is not complicated.
You do not need to be with either of these girls.
You will be better off if you take some time for yourself and find somebody who [I know this will sound crazy, but] respects you, and treats you well.
In the meantime - it's spring!
Go walk in the woods, or whatever kind of nature you have at your disposal. Learn to kayak or something.
Don't think about girls for a while, if you can manage.
posted by Acari at 7:59 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Well, it seems like you should just stop talking to the girl in your class. What is it getting you? Obviously she is attracted to you and likes talking to you, but if she liked you enough to break up with her boyfriend, she would have done it already.
Did you ever see When Harry Met Sally, and Carrie Fisher's character was dating this married man? And all her friends kept telling her "he's never gonna leave her"?
Well, he never did. And this girl is not going to leave her boyfriend, or not for you anyway.
Sorry, but you know, in the movie she eventually got over it and married someone else and it was all fine in the end.
I know you feel bad about all this, and it sucks, but you know what? It will get better, and you'll find someone you like more than either of these girls, or else you won't and you'll have a wonderful fulfilling life as a single man.
Just leave the drama behind, and move on. You're just spinning your wheels here.
posted by exceptinsects at 8:00 PM on April 11, 2008
Did you ever see When Harry Met Sally, and Carrie Fisher's character was dating this married man? And all her friends kept telling her "he's never gonna leave her"?
Well, he never did. And this girl is not going to leave her boyfriend, or not for you anyway.
Sorry, but you know, in the movie she eventually got over it and married someone else and it was all fine in the end.
I know you feel bad about all this, and it sucks, but you know what? It will get better, and you'll find someone you like more than either of these girls, or else you won't and you'll have a wonderful fulfilling life as a single man.
Just leave the drama behind, and move on. You're just spinning your wheels here.
posted by exceptinsects at 8:00 PM on April 11, 2008
Every time the girl from my class has to go because her bf arrives, every time she tells me we need to stop talking, every time he calls when we're studying, every time he picks her up, I feel like so much shit. She's pretty much the one who dictates how, when or if we talk. But she refuses to leave her bf. She also basically controls him, he does whatever she wants, when she wants, how she wants. He does practically everything for her, she hardly ever has to do anything.
That's not going to stop if you start actually dating her. She'll still dictate everything, like she does now with you and with her boyfriend. I would agree that you should stay away from that girl. It's not going to get any better and realize if you do get into a relationship with her, she'll do this with some other guy. She done it before. And considering you broke up with your girlfriend for less, I wouldn't go after the 2nd girl at all.
I think you're rebounding bad. I think that you should maybe find some different girls to date ones with no boyfriends/husbands/girlfriends/strings attached to them. It sucks and it's all emotionally riddled, but just try and calm down a little.
posted by Attackpanda at 8:02 PM on April 11, 2008
That's not going to stop if you start actually dating her. She'll still dictate everything, like she does now with you and with her boyfriend. I would agree that you should stay away from that girl. It's not going to get any better and realize if you do get into a relationship with her, she'll do this with some other guy. She done it before. And considering you broke up with your girlfriend for less, I wouldn't go after the 2nd girl at all.
I think you're rebounding bad. I think that you should maybe find some different girls to date ones with no boyfriends/husbands/girlfriends/strings attached to them. It sucks and it's all emotionally riddled, but just try and calm down a little.
posted by Attackpanda at 8:02 PM on April 11, 2008
Meet some new women. While you really should have told Girl #2 that you wouldn't do anything with her unless and until she ended any sort of romantic relationship with her boyfriend, she's fickle and not worth the effort. Don't go visit your ex if you can avoid it. You'd be wasting time, both yours and hers. You basically acknowledge this yourself - re-read your post. She's got you in a position where she's yours if it is convenient for her: what makes you think she won't pull the same shit all over again the second she meets someone new? Clearly, the integrity of your relationship was not enough weight to restrain her at least to the point that she could end things with you before starting something else. And getting all teary-eyed about this other girl is ridiculous. Of COURSE she's cold to you - she's trying to salvage her relationship with her boyfriend.
Tl;dr: Meet some new women, and for fuck's sake keep it in your pants unless they're available. You've been on the giving and receiving end of the same situation in a very short period of time and I hope you now realize how shitty it is.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:12 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Tl;dr: Meet some new women, and for fuck's sake keep it in your pants unless they're available. You've been on the giving and receiving end of the same situation in a very short period of time and I hope you now realize how shitty it is.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:12 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Wait. The one that keeps kissing you and then telling you she can't talk to you anymore...7 or 8 times is the "more mature" one? You have low standards for maturity. Take some time away from girls and think about that for a while!
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 8:14 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 8:14 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
The girl in your class has made it very clear that her bf comes first. She does things that if you did them would mean that your relationship had a chance but she has told you many, many times in words and in her actions that these things do not mean the same thing to her. Even if you can't understand how the two of you can connect so well and yet she still places her bf first, you need to accept what she is telling you - Her bf will always come first.
Now you have a couple of options.
1 - Ignore reality and continue to hope that one day she will magically wake up and realize that you are her true love. (Not going to happen but you can continue to pretend and nothing will change.)
2 - Try to be just friends. This is unlikely to work because after you are around her for a while you will go back to hoping that it will turn into something more.
3 - Decide that even if she doesn't have the strength to keep her word, you don't want to be chasing someone who will never be the partner that you are looking for. Staying "friends" with her will prevent you from finding someone who can commit to a real relationship.
Obviously, my bias is that you should tell her that you respect her choices, the two of you do need to stop talking, as she said, and then cut off all communication.
You said that your relationship with your first gf was full of problems. If nothing has changed then going to back to her is just going to put you back into another problem relationship. My advice is to stay single for a while and work on your issues (whatever it is that is contributed to the problems in your first relationship and/or chasing a girl who isn't available.) People tend attract partners at the same level of emotional maturity - improve yourself and you will find yourself in better relationships.
There is a good chance that your grad school (at least in the US) will offer some free counseling. The ones that I know will give you 10 free session per academic year for whatever problems are troubling you. In other words, it doesn't have to be a serious mental illness, it could just be desire for personal growth. If this is available, take advantage of the chance to learn more about yourself before you get into another relationship and you will be happier.
posted by metahawk at 8:18 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Now you have a couple of options.
1 - Ignore reality and continue to hope that one day she will magically wake up and realize that you are her true love. (Not going to happen but you can continue to pretend and nothing will change.)
2 - Try to be just friends. This is unlikely to work because after you are around her for a while you will go back to hoping that it will turn into something more.
3 - Decide that even if she doesn't have the strength to keep her word, you don't want to be chasing someone who will never be the partner that you are looking for. Staying "friends" with her will prevent you from finding someone who can commit to a real relationship.
Obviously, my bias is that you should tell her that you respect her choices, the two of you do need to stop talking, as she said, and then cut off all communication.
You said that your relationship with your first gf was full of problems. If nothing has changed then going to back to her is just going to put you back into another problem relationship. My advice is to stay single for a while and work on your issues (whatever it is that is contributed to the problems in your first relationship and/or chasing a girl who isn't available.) People tend attract partners at the same level of emotional maturity - improve yourself and you will find yourself in better relationships.
There is a good chance that your grad school (at least in the US) will offer some free counseling. The ones that I know will give you 10 free session per academic year for whatever problems are troubling you. In other words, it doesn't have to be a serious mental illness, it could just be desire for personal growth. If this is available, take advantage of the chance to learn more about yourself before you get into another relationship and you will be happier.
posted by metahawk at 8:18 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Wow. Both of these girls are totally playing you. Yeah, they might genuinely care about you to some degree, but they both think they can have their cake and eat it too. Yes it's nice to have a few people vying for your attention that you can bounce between at your discretion, but eventually they will see that you are easily taken advantage of, and continue to do so. Both will burn you in the end, and you'll end up a woman-hating bitter man before you are old enough to be so bitter. Break things off now with both of them. Stop studying with this girl, because it's obvious you are just using it as an excuse to hook up. End it with the other girl, because she's moved on. Find someone entirely different, that isn't using you as some kind of backup plan.
posted by greta simone at 8:20 PM on April 11, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 8:20 PM on April 11, 2008 [2 favorites]
Both of these situations are dead end streets. Back away from both girls and get on with your life.
posted by orange swan at 8:36 PM on April 11, 2008
posted by orange swan at 8:36 PM on April 11, 2008
Run, don't walk, away from both women.
Girl #1, your ex. As said above: she's not that into you, you're not that into her.
Girl #2: is enjoying the attention. She won't leave her boyfriend.
And--please, I do mean this non-judgementally... You broke up with your ex because she did exactly what the new girl is doing to her boyfriend. You might want to think about that a bit.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:55 PM on April 11, 2008
Girl #1, your ex. As said above: she's not that into you, you're not that into her.
Girl #2: is enjoying the attention. She won't leave her boyfriend.
And--please, I do mean this non-judgementally... You broke up with your ex because she did exactly what the new girl is doing to her boyfriend. You might want to think about that a bit.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:55 PM on April 11, 2008
Not asking in an insulting way, but how old are you guys? This sounds like a high school or college romance, so I'm just wondering.
My advice:
There are billions and billions of people in the world, other than these two girls. Take what you've learned, (which should be that honesty and trust is vital to having a good relationship, and if you are young, you will most likely experiment with quite a few people/types of relationships until you figure out what works for you) and Move On With Your Life.
It will be difficult because some girls want to "stay friends" and therefore, keep in contact with guys they have had relationships with. You need to give yourself some distance from both of the girls, take some time to figure out what you want/need out of a relationship, and don't be in a hurry to get into one. It's cliche but true that great relationships come around when you are least expecting them. Relax.
Also nthing dirtynmbangelboy's comment re: the similarity between the situations of new vs. old gfs with you in both male-roles...you seem to be attracted by the same "type"...something to think about
posted by nikksioux at 9:14 PM on April 11, 2008 [3 favorites]
My advice:
There are billions and billions of people in the world, other than these two girls. Take what you've learned, (which should be that honesty and trust is vital to having a good relationship, and if you are young, you will most likely experiment with quite a few people/types of relationships until you figure out what works for you) and Move On With Your Life.
It will be difficult because some girls want to "stay friends" and therefore, keep in contact with guys they have had relationships with. You need to give yourself some distance from both of the girls, take some time to figure out what you want/need out of a relationship, and don't be in a hurry to get into one. It's cliche but true that great relationships come around when you are least expecting them. Relax.
Also nthing dirtynmbangelboy's comment re: the similarity between the situations of new vs. old gfs with you in both male-roles...you seem to be attracted by the same "type"...something to think about
posted by nikksioux at 9:14 PM on April 11, 2008 [3 favorites]
Yeah, what everyone else said. Plus you're in grad school! Focus on that, you don't need to be in a relationship all the time. Neither of these girls seem to be in good situations to be in a relationship with you. Sometimes it's hard, but you've got to step back. Even if just for a couple of months to figure stuff out, it always looks clearer once you've gotten away from the drama.
posted by SoftRain at 9:16 PM on April 11, 2008
posted by SoftRain at 9:16 PM on April 11, 2008
you seem to be attracted by the same "type"...something to think about
Well that, yes. Also: you left a girl because she treated you the same as the girl you like is treating someone else.. double standard much?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:19 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Well that, yes. Also: you left a girl because she treated you the same as the girl you like is treating someone else.. double standard much?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:19 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
two words... moth & flame. - the moth always loses. the flame does not even realize (or care?). find something more healthy.
posted by digital-dragonfly at 9:24 PM on April 11, 2008
posted by digital-dragonfly at 9:24 PM on April 11, 2008
jeasus god. GTFO
when you slam your hand in a door, it hurts.
when you do it again, it hurts.
when you do it a third and fourth time, it hurts
what do you think itll feel like the 5th time?
posted by swbarrett at 11:05 PM on April 11, 2008
when you slam your hand in a door, it hurts.
when you do it again, it hurts.
when you do it a third and fourth time, it hurts
what do you think itll feel like the 5th time?
posted by swbarrett at 11:05 PM on April 11, 2008
You do know that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Ditch them both. There is someone out there for you without the drama. Relationships shouldn't be that difficult. A good relationship makes you feel safe and at home. Not all tied up in knots and filled with anxiety. I'm speaking from experience. I wish you the best.
posted by wv kay in ga at 11:22 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by wv kay in ga at 11:22 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]
Girl #2: there are so many reasons why you should stay away from her. (If she never leaves him, that's bad. If she does, that could be even worse. For everyone, including you. Some of those situations end with a bang.)
Girl #1: No opinion. Could be OK.
General advice: Ask yourself, what is it that you want out of life? What's your objective? Your wants, vs your needs. What does she (whoever she may be) want? What are you all about? What's she all about?
Enjoy.
posted by coffeefilter at 11:28 PM on April 11, 2008
Girl #1: No opinion. Could be OK.
General advice: Ask yourself, what is it that you want out of life? What's your objective? Your wants, vs your needs. What does she (whoever she may be) want? What are you all about? What's she all about?
Enjoy.
posted by coffeefilter at 11:28 PM on April 11, 2008
Oy, oy, oy. Drama upon drama upon drama.
Give yourself timeout. You'll know when you're ready to jump back on the dating train when you can look at what you just wrote and go, "Oy, oy, oy. Drama upon drama upon drama" and giggle a little.
About two years ought to do it.
And think hard about what swbarrett said before you board that train again.
posted by flabdablet at 1:43 AM on April 12, 2008
Give yourself timeout. You'll know when you're ready to jump back on the dating train when you can look at what you just wrote and go, "Oy, oy, oy. Drama upon drama upon drama" and giggle a little.
About two years ought to do it.
And think hard about what swbarrett said before you board that train again.
posted by flabdablet at 1:43 AM on April 12, 2008
Everything that I came in here to say has already been said. To sum up:
Girl in class
- not mature (stringing you along, no consideration for your feelings, cheating on her boyfriend etc)
- Having her cake and eating it too. She can give any excuse she wants but as has been said several times already - if a person wants to be with you, they will do so and anything else is just fooling yourself.
- Loves the feeling of having two men who want her and would do anything for her. And who wouldn't! Anyone would love that! But a truly mature person would not wish to trod all over the feeling of someone that they care about to serve their own selfish desires.
Ex-Girlfriend
- This relationship has already ended. Chances are very good that unless both of you have made dramatic changes for the better in your lives, you are going to have the same problems you had before. I have seen countless people break up and then get back together and I would say that probably in less than 2% of cases did it end up being the right thing to do and turn into a long and lasting relationship. So while there is a small chance it could work, I'm guesing in this case it won't.
- Do you actually want to get back together with someone who hurt and betrayed you like she did?
I agree with everyone above that you need to get away from both of these girls. They are not treating you with the basic consideration that you should expect from a person who cares for you. Do not let ANYONE, a woman or otherwise, treat you this way. There are too many good people out there for you to settle for people in your life who make you feel insecure or hurt. Don't allow it to happen anymore. Be good to yourself, take care of yourself, and you'll find a girl who will treat you with kindness and care and who would be horrified at the thought of every hurting you. You certainly will. But you will never see her with these two in the way.
posted by triggerfinger at 2:13 AM on April 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
Girl in class
- not mature (stringing you along, no consideration for your feelings, cheating on her boyfriend etc)
- Having her cake and eating it too. She can give any excuse she wants but as has been said several times already - if a person wants to be with you, they will do so and anything else is just fooling yourself.
- Loves the feeling of having two men who want her and would do anything for her. And who wouldn't! Anyone would love that! But a truly mature person would not wish to trod all over the feeling of someone that they care about to serve their own selfish desires.
Ex-Girlfriend
- This relationship has already ended. Chances are very good that unless both of you have made dramatic changes for the better in your lives, you are going to have the same problems you had before. I have seen countless people break up and then get back together and I would say that probably in less than 2% of cases did it end up being the right thing to do and turn into a long and lasting relationship. So while there is a small chance it could work, I'm guesing in this case it won't.
- Do you actually want to get back together with someone who hurt and betrayed you like she did?
I agree with everyone above that you need to get away from both of these girls. They are not treating you with the basic consideration that you should expect from a person who cares for you. Do not let ANYONE, a woman or otherwise, treat you this way. There are too many good people out there for you to settle for people in your life who make you feel insecure or hurt. Don't allow it to happen anymore. Be good to yourself, take care of yourself, and you'll find a girl who will treat you with kindness and care and who would be horrified at the thought of every hurting you. You certainly will. But you will never see her with these two in the way.
posted by triggerfinger at 2:13 AM on April 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
IEvery time the girl from my class has to go because her bf arrives, every time she tells me we need to stop talking, every time he calls when we're studying, every time he picks her up, I feel like so much shit.
Stop doing things that make you feel like shit. Really, knock it off. She's never going to leave the bf, there's no reason why she should 'cause:
She's pretty much the one who dictates how, when or if we talk.
i.e. she gets to have her cake and eat it too, repeatedly. You are allowing her to treat you as shit, stop that. There's no point in dating her, you'll never trust her 'cause of how she's behaving with you and her current bf, so what's left, sex? There are billions of other women out there, literally, for you to have sex with. So what's left, this amazing connection, that leaves you feeling shit. That's not amazing, that's poison
Talk to the ex and let her know where you are mentally, before you go on the trip, so she knows what to except. I'd suggest that you two just try to hang out and have fun, as opposed to trying to push to get back together. You need a mental and emotional break before getting into another relationship.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:05 AM on April 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
Stop doing things that make you feel like shit. Really, knock it off. She's never going to leave the bf, there's no reason why she should 'cause:
She's pretty much the one who dictates how, when or if we talk.
i.e. she gets to have her cake and eat it too, repeatedly. You are allowing her to treat you as shit, stop that. There's no point in dating her, you'll never trust her 'cause of how she's behaving with you and her current bf, so what's left, sex? There are billions of other women out there, literally, for you to have sex with. So what's left, this amazing connection, that leaves you feeling shit. That's not amazing, that's poison
Talk to the ex and let her know where you are mentally, before you go on the trip, so she knows what to except. I'd suggest that you two just try to hang out and have fun, as opposed to trying to push to get back together. You need a mental and emotional break before getting into another relationship.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:05 AM on April 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
You need therapy to find out why you can't focus on situations where you are being treated well by the opposite sex.
don't get involved with any of these girls.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:08 AM on April 12, 2008
don't get involved with any of these girls.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:08 AM on April 12, 2008
As a girl, I read this question cringing every step of the way, because I've known girls like this and they are not. Good. News. Trust me?
The ex is a ship that's sailed and that was her fault. Whether or not you get back with her is at this point obviously up to you, but you don't seem to be too interested in her anyway, and even if you got back together you need to think long and hard about whether you can handle the initial breach of trust she committed and really give the relationship a genuine second chance without suspecting her at every turn. What she did wasn't right, and it's not that easy to just "get over it". In the meantime, until you know for certain, don't waste time and money on it.
As for the new girl. Wow. Woooow. She sounds like a character out of Grey's Anatomy, and as much as I loved (past tense) the show, that's not a compliment. She's being completely selfish by not terminating relations with you like her boyfriend asked her to while keeping you strung along. It doesn't seem like she genuinely cares about either of you - it's just good fun to her, attention and perks and lavish gifts. If she really felt obligated to him, why lie to him? At the same time, if she's willing to cut things off with you at the drop of a hat, why hasn't she done so already?
I'm sorry to say that without knowing her and knowing more of her, the best judgement I can draw from the situation (and perhaps it is wrong of me to judge at all) is that she adores all this attention, the control both of you are giving her, and the fact that she can make you miserable at whim and knows you'll keep crawling back to her.
The solution? Don't crawl back to her. Really. Really really. You sound like you're in a place where you seriously need to be single and focus on yourself for a while. And you're allowed to do that, y'know. You can't help others if you need help yourself, etc. Exercise, take up a hobby. Focus on your grad studies, for heaven's sake. At this point any further relations you enter into with a girl will be affected by your recent heartbreaks and they wouldn't be fair to either you or the girl, whomever she may be. Get away, my friend. Get away and pay attention to your own self for once.
posted by Phire at 6:49 AM on April 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
The ex is a ship that's sailed and that was her fault. Whether or not you get back with her is at this point obviously up to you, but you don't seem to be too interested in her anyway, and even if you got back together you need to think long and hard about whether you can handle the initial breach of trust she committed and really give the relationship a genuine second chance without suspecting her at every turn. What she did wasn't right, and it's not that easy to just "get over it". In the meantime, until you know for certain, don't waste time and money on it.
As for the new girl. Wow. Woooow. She sounds like a character out of Grey's Anatomy, and as much as I loved (past tense) the show, that's not a compliment. She's being completely selfish by not terminating relations with you like her boyfriend asked her to while keeping you strung along. It doesn't seem like she genuinely cares about either of you - it's just good fun to her, attention and perks and lavish gifts. If she really felt obligated to him, why lie to him? At the same time, if she's willing to cut things off with you at the drop of a hat, why hasn't she done so already?
I'm sorry to say that without knowing her and knowing more of her, the best judgement I can draw from the situation (and perhaps it is wrong of me to judge at all) is that she adores all this attention, the control both of you are giving her, and the fact that she can make you miserable at whim and knows you'll keep crawling back to her.
The solution? Don't crawl back to her. Really. Really really. You sound like you're in a place where you seriously need to be single and focus on yourself for a while. And you're allowed to do that, y'know. You can't help others if you need help yourself, etc. Exercise, take up a hobby. Focus on your grad studies, for heaven's sake. At this point any further relations you enter into with a girl will be affected by your recent heartbreaks and they wouldn't be fair to either you or the girl, whomever she may be. Get away, my friend. Get away and pay attention to your own self for once.
posted by Phire at 6:49 AM on April 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
The girl in your class is extremely immature, selfish and very manipulative. Not to mention deceitful - towards her boyfriend, and towards you. You're also being selfish, and very unfair to the boyfriend of your classmate. Think about that; maybe you owe him an apology.
Am saying this on a hunch, but - take care not to mistake emotional complexity, baggage and/or 'experience', and intellect for 'maturity'.
Perhaps you really need to take some time to think about who you are as a person, and the values and principles you hold wrt relationships and any potential/actual girlfriend.
posted by aielen at 6:53 AM on April 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
Am saying this on a hunch, but - take care not to mistake emotional complexity, baggage and/or 'experience', and intellect for 'maturity'.
Perhaps you really need to take some time to think about who you are as a person, and the values and principles you hold wrt relationships and any potential/actual girlfriend.
posted by aielen at 6:53 AM on April 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
This is my advice
Obviously one of the attractions of this new “entanglement” is as a way of transferring some of your worries and misgivings about your previous one.
Isn't it strange that in your new "entanglement" you seem to be acting out the part of the self same provocateur, who you blamed for initially destabilising your previous relationship? Unconsciously or not you don't have closure from your last relationship, naturally you look for ways to find out more about it. By playing this role you get to see your last relationship from the other side, or so you might think. Of course you can't do that as no two relationships are ever the same, so you are left as helpless as before.
I completely empathise with this situation, but it is a fact of life. You will never be in complete control of any relationship you may have, nor will you ever completely understand other peoples feelings – accept this and move on. Otherwise you risk these behaviours becoming a feature of your future relationships, with eminently predictable results.
posted by munchbunch at 7:13 AM on April 12, 2008
Obviously one of the attractions of this new “entanglement” is as a way of transferring some of your worries and misgivings about your previous one.
Isn't it strange that in your new "entanglement" you seem to be acting out the part of the self same provocateur, who you blamed for initially destabilising your previous relationship? Unconsciously or not you don't have closure from your last relationship, naturally you look for ways to find out more about it. By playing this role you get to see your last relationship from the other side, or so you might think. Of course you can't do that as no two relationships are ever the same, so you are left as helpless as before.
I completely empathise with this situation, but it is a fact of life. You will never be in complete control of any relationship you may have, nor will you ever completely understand other peoples feelings – accept this and move on. Otherwise you risk these behaviours becoming a feature of your future relationships, with eminently predictable results.
posted by munchbunch at 7:13 AM on April 12, 2008
(Please: consistent apostrophe use! Lack thereof hurts the eyes.)
It's honestly not all that complicated. What would you tell a good friend if they told you they were still hung up on a girl who had cheated on them, and were also hung up on trying to get sloppy seconds from a girl who wants to have her cake and eat it too?
Ten dollars says you'd tell them "move on," "look for someone who is worth your time and attention," and such like. And that's what you need to do. A worthwhile girlfriend does not cheat on you. That same worthwhile girlfriend doesn't run around with you behind her boyfriend's back.
Maybe the first girl has grown up, and is ready to be a good partner -- although it sounds like you would be signing up for a long distance relationship, which has it's own component of drama. The second girl isn't worth a moment of your time. If she were really all that into you, she would be sleeping in your bed every night, and treating you really well. She isn't into you, and she isn't in your bed, and she isn't treating you like you deserve.
Of course, there are a lot of people who really get off on "complications" and are basically big drama queens. If that's you, then ignore what I said, keep seeing the new girl while stringing along the old one. Bonus points for a big blow-out scream-fest in a public place. Extra bonus points for adding a third girl to the mix who has lots of "issues" but is working on them, honest, and is a friend (or better, a cousin or sister) to one of the other two girls. If this is really what makes you happy, just keep doing what you are doing, because your actions are producing this drama, regular as clockwork. If you want different results, you will have to make different decisions; if you are happy now, no changes are needed at all.
posted by Forktine at 7:16 AM on April 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
It's honestly not all that complicated. What would you tell a good friend if they told you they were still hung up on a girl who had cheated on them, and were also hung up on trying to get sloppy seconds from a girl who wants to have her cake and eat it too?
Ten dollars says you'd tell them "move on," "look for someone who is worth your time and attention," and such like. And that's what you need to do. A worthwhile girlfriend does not cheat on you. That same worthwhile girlfriend doesn't run around with you behind her boyfriend's back.
Maybe the first girl has grown up, and is ready to be a good partner -- although it sounds like you would be signing up for a long distance relationship, which has it's own component of drama. The second girl isn't worth a moment of your time. If she were really all that into you, she would be sleeping in your bed every night, and treating you really well. She isn't into you, and she isn't in your bed, and she isn't treating you like you deserve.
Of course, there are a lot of people who really get off on "complications" and are basically big drama queens. If that's you, then ignore what I said, keep seeing the new girl while stringing along the old one. Bonus points for a big blow-out scream-fest in a public place. Extra bonus points for adding a third girl to the mix who has lots of "issues" but is working on them, honest, and is a friend (or better, a cousin or sister) to one of the other two girls. If this is really what makes you happy, just keep doing what you are doing, because your actions are producing this drama, regular as clockwork. If you want different results, you will have to make different decisions; if you are happy now, no changes are needed at all.
posted by Forktine at 7:16 AM on April 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
Following up on forktine's comments:
One of my big pet peeves these days is hearing people talk endlessly about their relationship problems, punctuating the monologues with self-congratulatory comments about how "complicated" the situation is. No, it's not complicated, the players are just immature and unable to be straight with each other.
Which is what's going on here. Neither of these girls is worth spending any more time with.
The situation with the second girl is one of those classic stories where a frigid cock-tease lures a man away from a woman who really loves him, so he ruins the relationship with the woman who loves him to chase the cock-tease, and all she ever does is string him along and he never gets anywhere with her, ending up with no relationship and a bad case of blue balls. (I think that was the plotline of Jude the Obscure, wasn't it?)
posted by jayder at 10:01 AM on April 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
One of my big pet peeves these days is hearing people talk endlessly about their relationship problems, punctuating the monologues with self-congratulatory comments about how "complicated" the situation is. No, it's not complicated, the players are just immature and unable to be straight with each other.
Which is what's going on here. Neither of these girls is worth spending any more time with.
The situation with the second girl is one of those classic stories where a frigid cock-tease lures a man away from a woman who really loves him, so he ruins the relationship with the woman who loves him to chase the cock-tease, and all she ever does is string him along and he never gets anywhere with her, ending up with no relationship and a bad case of blue balls. (I think that was the plotline of Jude the Obscure, wasn't it?)
posted by jayder at 10:01 AM on April 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
I think it's all been said, friends. About 25 times. Next question!
posted by arcadia at 11:34 AM on April 12, 2008
posted by arcadia at 11:34 AM on April 12, 2008
Drop them both, of course.
Then figure out why you'd be attracted to people who play games like this. Figure out why you're chasing after this type of woman. Years and years of this nonsense? You need to get a handle on these choices, then you have a shot at a decent relationship.
posted by 26.2 at 6:04 PM on April 12, 2008
Then figure out why you'd be attracted to people who play games like this. Figure out why you're chasing after this type of woman. Years and years of this nonsense? You need to get a handle on these choices, then you have a shot at a decent relationship.
posted by 26.2 at 6:04 PM on April 12, 2008
You know the answer already. You don't really want to be with the ex and there's no future with the other. Go on your trip and dump your ex as gently as you can manage, come back home and stop being a pansy for the emotional user, take a deep breath called freedom...
Yeah, you're gonna do that. Oh, well.
posted by nanojath at 7:33 PM on April 12, 2008
Yeah, you're gonna do that. Oh, well.
posted by nanojath at 7:33 PM on April 12, 2008
« Older How to renegotiate a Debt Management Plan you... | Network RAID using Windows 2003 Server? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think you need some space away from both women.
Get some exercise, fresh air and some perspective and stay away from all women who have boyaccessories.
Being single is very liberating.
This is my advice as someone who was once a girlfriend and is now a mother.
Truly, learn to enjoy some althanis time. ALONE!
posted by taff at 7:54 PM on April 11, 2008 [1 favorite]