How do I get a definitive answer from a girl I like?

April 11, 2008 12:29 AM

Back to my old talkative and energetic self after 5 years, I seem to have fallen for this girl. She's friendly with me but I can't understand her relationship with this other guy... Any help appreciated!

Hello,
First, a bit about me... A little over 5 years ago I used to be a very energetic guy, being around lots of people, and being happy and excited in general. After my dad passed away about 5 years ago and I got a few bad grades, I went into my own little shell, not giving a shit about anyone except for my own family. Some people call it depression, not really sure if this was it. Got my grades back in line, but became very boring, with just a couple of friends with whom I spent a very little amount of time. My friends (all of them guys, no girls) always appreciated my loyalty and friendship, and supported me through my difficult times.

The last week, one of my friends invited me on a holiday with him and his cousins and friends (including girls). Now, I've been a pretty shy guy all my life, and because of me being a loner for the last few years, I tended to not show much interest in girls. While there, I met this girl (friend of my friend) who I seem to have a crush for, now that we got back. We talked a bit while we were there, but nothing personal, just the usual smalltalk.

I came off as a very responsible and sweet guy (she told me) after I had to clean up everyone's mess one night when everyone got drunk and one of my friends took drugs. The two nights after that, all of us preferred to get drunk within the comfort of our hotel rooms, and this seemed to bring out the old me, talkative, energetic and all. In hindsight, the holiday was exactly what I needed to get some of myself back. I feel a lot more confident, talkative and happy. But this girl seems to have fallen for the friend who got us into all that shit which I mentioned above, as was apparent from their fling during the holiday.

During our way back, she told me that she had broken up with the guy, which encouraged me to move forward. I asked her out for coffee, but she seemed to think that all of us were getting together, and made me call our other friends as well. Now yesterday, I mustered up the courage to finally ask her out for dinner on Saturday night, which seemed to surprise her (me taking interest in her). She asked me for a day to check if she had any other work (which she probably doesn't). She might still take up on my offer and come for dinner. But it seems that she has fallen for the other guy, and wants to fix his life and get him off drugs and cigarettes, even though he keeps lying to her.

I'm not really sure what to do at this point. They don't seem to have a real relationship, but she still seems to like him. I'm afraid that an experience like this will just push me back into my shell for another 5 years. Should I keep trying to get together with this girl? Try my luck at another girl (difficult, only if enough people insist :P)? Any other suggestions?

Thanks for reading! :)

posted by cyanide to human relations (21 comments total)

Wait until that loser breaks her heart and then swoop in and try again. I don't think that this is so much a choice against you, as it is a choice to give this guy a chance.
posted by sunshinesky at 12:35 AM on April 11

Congratulations for getting out of the last phase of your life. Congratulations for having the courage to pursue this girl. Seriously, a lot of friends wouldn't have the courage to pursue this girl like you have...it would have taken them weeks.

Now for the bad news. Forget her. She already knows that you're interested in her. She is choosing someone else over you (whether they have a connection from the past or not is irrelevent). She either isn't as interested in you as you are in her, or she prefers someone else. Either way, move on.

Because of your success with the fair sex (seriously...that courage is called "game"), I suggest you immerse yourself in other situations where you can meet other girls. It will ALWAYS be "friend of a friend".

Good luck!
posted by hal_c_on at 12:38 AM on April 11

I'm not really sure what to do at this point. They don't seem to have a real relationship, but she still seems to like him.

Relationships are as much about timing as anything else and the timing for you doesn't seem to be there yet. She's available in theory, but not in practice as she has her sights set on someone else.

I'm afraid that an experience like this will just push me back into my shell for another 5 years.

Absolutely no risk of that. Being rejected by women is a completely different hell you can look forward to.

Should I keep trying to get together with this girl? Try my luck at another girl

It depends on how you feel. If you're not too infatuated, hang back, stay in her orbit and see what tomorrow brings. Be cool. If you are too infatuated, spare yourself the hurt and move on now.

In either case, if you're open to one woman, you'll be open to others.
posted by three blind mice at 12:57 AM on April 11 [1 favorite]

you sound like a good guy. so forget her. seriously. it's like i told my last boyfriend, no girl worth dating wants to date a project. find a girl who isn't looking to fix a guy; find a girl who is looking for a guy who had the courage and the insight to fix himself—which is what you did. you want that girl.
posted by violetk at 1:04 AM on April 11 [5 favorites]

You sound like you're judging the guy for doing drugs and smoking, and I think that's a mistake. A lot of people do drugs and smoke, and many of those are intelligent, interesting, kind people who have a lot going for them. I can't see whether this particular guy is like that; if she told you about him lying to her, that says less about him than it does about her--you're more or less certainly in the "friends zone."

I'd suggest that you stop thinking of women as a binary between "taken" and "single." She might be technically single, but in love with someone, hooking up with someone else simultaneously, still have feelings for her ex, etc. Focus on the relationships where some sort of positive connection seems to appear; rather than "this girl is single, why don't I go after her," think "this girl is showing definite signs of interest in me, why don't I see what might happen."

In this case, I think you should probably move on. Don't talk to her for a while; if she doesn't take the steps to talk to you, she's definitely not interested.
posted by nasreddin at 1:31 AM on April 11 [1 favorite]

Good point by the above poster.

The most successful relationships should feel pretty natural to start in my opinion. The ones that you have to work real hard at to land are just fun trying to get it started. After that you soon find that you were just in it for the chase or there wasn't much beyond that.

It's hard to find that one but once you do it's so worth it.
posted by zephyr_words at 1:36 AM on April 11

For the same reasons as the other commenters, I recommend not bothering with her. If she ever gets over this other guy and you're still unattached, then maybe give it another shot. But don't bother obsessing over in the meantime, because you'll just cause yourself needless angst.
posted by Nattie at 4:33 AM on April 11

Nthing that you should forget about her. The brain of someone with a crush has a tendency to extrapolate romantic interest from the tiniest morsels of pleasantry. You'll drive yourself crazy thinking you have a shot with this girl, when you really don't. Go meet lots of girls--that way, no one girl will matter so much.
posted by mpls2 at 4:36 AM on April 11 [1 favorite]

There are lots of girls out there - you already know that you come off as "a very responsible and sweet guy", so you're already a hit, you just have to meet more people, and if you're coming out of a long dark period, you will, for sure.

She sounds like she's not interested enough for you to be interested – and if I'm wrong, and you spend your time elsewhere, then it's her responsibility to let you know if she is interested. I'm sure she knows how to use a phone/e-mail/whatever. Don't waste your time if she's being wishy-washy. You only live once.
posted by blacklite at 5:09 AM on April 11 [1 favorite]

Now for the bad news. Forget her. She already knows that you're interested in her. She is choosing someone else over you (whether they have a connection from the past or not is irrelevent). She either isn't as interested in you as you are in her, or she prefers someone else. Either way, move on.

I'd have to agree with this. It sucks, but that's the way the world works. Your interest is on the record. If she ever want to pick up on it, she has that option. sunshinesky is right, she doesn't seem to be choosing against you, just choosing something different. Or maybe you just aren't her type. Doesn't mean you're not a good choice, just not for her, just not for now.

The harder question now is: do/can you continue being friends with her. That's far more difficult. Some people, in some situations, can happily do that. Some might not. Maybe you can, but now she's uncomfortable and cannot. Maybe she can but you find it too difficult. Try to remember that this is likely awkward for her as well.

Move on, live your life. Meet other people. (Especially if you're just starting to put your life back together.) If she changes her mind, she knows where to find you.

I wish you the best of luck. I've been on both sides of this situation, and it's never exactly easy.
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 6:13 AM on April 11

Yeah, she's not interested. It doesn't always pay to be responsible or a good listener. Whatever you do, don't hang around and try to help her with her lame ass, self imposed problems with this other guy.
posted by electroboy at 6:53 AM on April 11 [1 favorite]

nthing everything stated, but don't return to the hermit shell. Go out there and live a little, there's a lot of fish in the sea.
posted by history is a weapon at 7:10 AM on April 11

Thanks for the replies, I feel great already and appreciate everyone's support. Waited for a reply which never materialised. But it seems that I can move on without driving myself up the wall, which took me by quite a surprise.

Thanks again for the help, you guys are the best!
posted by cyanide at 7:18 AM on April 11

Not only have you come out of your shell, you've also done all the right things so far with respect to this girl! Nice work! Not bad for someone who's been secluded for a while.

Sounds like this girl is looking for drama and isn't picking up what you're throwing down. Don't let that get you down! Forget her and think about what an accomplishment it is for you to be interested in someone, pursue her exactly how you should, and want to get back on the scene.

You can totally keep your social momentum going without letting this girl trip you up. You're moving forward and now you just need to keep doing what you're doing; meet more friends of friends, get comfortable with them, ask them out... Someone is going to be interested.
Good luck!
posted by rmless at 7:21 AM on April 11

Bail on this one.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:41 AM on April 11

It sounds like you are starting to come out of your shell. Congratulations! Please don't let this girl get in the way of where your life is growing and how you are adapting. First, she thinks you are a "nice guy". This is code for "let's keep it as just friends." Second, she has a fling with your bad-boy friend and thinks she can change him. This is typical for the type of girl that is attracted to pricks. This is fortunate for guys because there are a lot of pricks among us, and if there wasn't a certain type of girl who loved this certain type of guy there would be a lot of people who never passed on their genetic material. But this girl is not the type you want. (Sure, you think you want her, until she tramples all over you, plays you for a fool, and dates every other guy you know except you.) There really are nice girls who will be delighted to meet an honest guy who's got a good head on his shoulders. Hold out for one.
posted by Happydaz at 7:44 AM on April 11

I came off as a very responsible and sweet guy (she told me) after I had to clean up everyone's mess one night when everyone got drunk and one of my friends took drugs.

Forgive me if this seems overly generalized or something, but I read this as a sign that she's not interested. In my experience, the responsible sweet guy who cleans up everyone else's mess is not usually the guy you want to be seen as by women you're trying to date.

I asked her out for coffee, but she seemed to think that all of us were getting together, and made me call our other friends as well.

This also sounds like something I would have taken as a "not interested" signal.

So yeah, I agree that you shouldn't bother with her.
posted by ludwig_van at 10:30 AM on April 11

Yeah, hey, man, congrats—you're at the first stage of a new behavior pattern. This girl didn't work out, but thankfully, there are, like, literally billions of other women.

And to slightly spin Ludwig's advice above, this girl doesn't seem to want the responsible sweet guy. But that doesn't mean that other girls don't. Or that you can't be responsible, sweet and energetic and gregarious.
posted by klangklangston at 10:45 AM on April 11

Maybe I should clarify that of course it's perfectly good to be responsible and sweet, and that lots of girls want a guy who is those things, but even if that's what this one wants I don't think she'd describe you in those terms if she were interested romantically. And the whole cleaning up everyone else's mess thing sounds like it could come off a little more "pushover" than "responsible." I've been that guy before. Let your friends clean up their own mess.
posted by ludwig_van at 11:30 AM on April 11 [1 favorite]

this girl doesn't seem to want the responsible sweet guy. But that doesn't mean that other girls don't.

This is true. Don't feel like you have to change yourself. Plenty of women want the responsible, sweet guy.
posted by Locative at 1:39 PM on April 11

It's fine to be responsible and sweet but don't think you're owed anything, keep in mind. And ditch this broad you're hung up on because she is loser bait. You don't want it.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:02 AM on April 12