Am I ready to get married?

April 9, 2008 7:40 AM

I've been with the SO for over 5 years. We've been engaged for about 3 of those. Now, the time is looming where I have to make a very real decision. Is now the time to get married or not?

I'll try to give enough details to help with answers, but have to be careful to stay anonymous.

I've been married previously. Obviously, that didn't work out. There are children involved. I am the custodial parent.

I've never been in any relationship for this long and not have it go haywire. I know that at least part of the responsibility for that is mine. I have also been in at least one abusive relationship and understand that probably colors my opinions. As a result, I have no practical experience with some of these issues.

I love my SO. I really do.
Part of why I'm bewildered is that some things seem like such a big deal to me when other people tell me that they really aren't.

I often don't feel like we communicate well. I'll say something to the SO in a variety of ways and at different times, and I often feel dismissed or ignored. A lot of these things might commonly be regarded as relatively minor and unforgiving on my part. An example is where putting things where they belong in the kitchen and the bathroom. Other examples are food, housekeeping, and personal space preferences. The SO says that they understand, but then nothing is ever any different and I get annoyed. Is this normal? This has not always been the case, but seemed to start when we got engaged. I feel like ignoring these requests when they weren't ignored before is disrespectful to me. Am I overreacting?

The kids also love the SO, but there are already attitude battles happening between the children and the SO regarding opinions of the non-custodial parent. How I handle this has negatively affected past relationships, but I do believe I'm handling things correctly. I do take advice, but I draw the line at taking orders or being told I "should" do whatever the SO suggests. This has historically proved to be a very difficult sticking point in previous relationships.

I had been single for several years before meeting the SO, and I'm used to being in charge of my own household. It's difficult for me to share authority. Any advice about making that transition more smooth?

I realize that I often have a difficult personality to deal with. I'm demanding, first and foremost of myself. I'm also not afraid of being single. I don't mean that in a negative way, but that I'm capable of looking after my life and the lives of the kids without a partner. This is a point of pride for me. Is this a terrible perspective to have?

Bonus question:
How do you happily married people handle the occasional crush on other people? Especially friends of the family. No, I'm not acting on it, but advice is very much appreciated.

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 comments total)

If you're asking yourself and a bunch of strangers on the internet this question, then you probably know the answer already.

It may be horribly simplistic but you are entitled to feel how you feel, particularly when you get the "you should" suggestions. If you haven't done already you should maybe sit down and talk to the SO about your frustrations and annoyances. They will either ignore you, try to change and in x weeks be back to where they are now or they may genuinely change for the better.

Has marriage been brought up? Getting married simply because you're at "that point" in your relationship is not recommended (not by me at least, I did it and it didn't work out). It's not about marriage, it's about the relationship. If that's working for you and you can figure out the problems you mention then marriage may or may not be the next step. If it ain't working for you, marriage is the least of your problems and you need to do something about the relationship. Good luck!
posted by jontyjago at 7:52 AM on April 9 [1 favorite]

I had been single for several years before meeting the SO, and I'm used to being in charge of my own household. It's difficult for me to share authority. Any advice about making that transition more smooth?

I think this is the reason you are having so many problems dealing with household and personal space issues. However, you guys have been going out for over 5 years, so it shouldn't be too hard to compromise...right?

I think that the only question you need to ask yourself is: do you want to marry this person? You may answer it only as a "yes" or a "no." All of this other stuff is just the cost of living with another person.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 7:52 AM on April 9

Uhm, didn't you think about this stuff before you said "yes" to being engaged? Have the answers changed that much? And yes, a lot of that: putting things in back in the wrong spot, etc. will happen no matter who you live with. If Jesus was alive today, he'd probably leave the seat up sometimes. I'm sure you probably have a million tiny personal habits that bug the living crap out of him, too. Don't marry the person you can live with, marry the person you can't live without. The rest will fall into place (with a lot of work, patience, and a few good fights.)
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 8:03 AM on April 9 [3 favorites]

Ignore my "has marriage been brought up comment". I really should read the question properly...
posted by jontyjago at 8:24 AM on April 9

I do take advice, but I draw the line at taking orders or being told I "should" do whatever the SO suggests. This has historically proved to be a very difficult sticking point in previous relationships.

I feel the same as you. If this person is doing that behaviour, then he may not be the person for you. I found a guy that can give advice or commiserate without the "should do" thing. I have a close friend whom is becoming a much more distant friend because of the "should do"s.

Crushes? I find they are harmless. Do you not feel comfortable with them happening within any relationship, or just this one?
posted by kellyblah at 8:27 AM on April 9

I cannot comprehend being "engaged" for three years. To me, being engaged means you are both agreed that you are ready to be married - in the fairly near future. Not, "Let's continue to consider marriage at some point." Sounds like you're not engaegd, you're going steady.

It seems like this also ties in to having crushes on others. Everyone is attracted to other people, for various reasons - it's the way we're made. Kudos for not acting on it. But three years of engagement with no marriage vows in sight probably don't inspire a sense of security in your relationship. You may be shopping around a bit, because deep inside you feel (or know) that your current relationship isn't what you want and need, and may not last. With no real committment between you and your SO, what's to prevent either one of you from just ending it at any time?

I don't know if you're male or female - I'm guessing female from some things you've said. Either way, in regards to communication and respect issues, I highly recommend the book "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It is Bible-based, which I suppose will turn off some people, but the principles are sound and have made a big difference in my relationship (which was pretty good to start with).

To answer your big question from the title, I don't know if you're ready to get married. But you should. There will be doubts, questions, issues, arguments, etc. But if you're ready, you're ready, and you know it. If you have this many major concerns, I would guess you're not ready.
posted by attercoppe at 8:34 AM on April 9 [1 favorite]

I think that your gut feeling is that "No, I shouldn't get married to this person" and now you're looking for ammunition from strangers on the internet to either confirm or deny this feeling.

You don't get married for the sake of the kids.
You don't get married because you've been together for 5 years.
You don't get married just because you said "Yes" 3 years ago.

You get married because you love the other person and know - KNOW that it would work and enrich your life beyond measure. Can it? Would it? Yes or no?

A big decision demands tough questions and honest answers.

As far as the crushes go, everyone has them, and if you're not the type of person who would act on them, then no worries.
posted by willmize at 8:41 AM on April 9 [2 favorites]

No matter who you ask, ultimately, nobody can make that decision but you.

An example is where putting things where they belong in the kitchen and the bathroom. Other examples are food, housekeeping, and personal space preferences.

No one is perfect and nobody can match you and your needs 100%. You'll always have some issues, both minor and major, that you'll have differing opinions on. Conflict is a natural part of any marriage but how you handle that conflict is what's important. You have to just let some things be if it's only a minor irritant like where the kitchen knives go.

I often don't feel like we communicate well. I'll say something to the SO in a variety of ways and at different times, and I often feel dismissed or ignored.

Before making this charge on your SO, it's important to evaluate if there's anything you can change about yourself. It's ten-fold easier to adjust your own behavior than someone else's. This includes giving up on minor battlegrounds, listening to your SO's needs, and considering your SO's point-of-view first. I've found this works wonders in my own relationship (i.e. I figured out some of my "SO's problems" were really my own flaws dragging our relationship).

On the crush part, I agree with willmize, everyone has them. It's no biggie as long as you don't let them develop into problems.
posted by SammyIva at 8:54 AM on April 9

It's difficult for me to share authority...
I'm also not afraid of being single.


These things stuck out to me not because there's anything wrong with them, but they seem to be hallmarks of the thinking of someone who's gotten out of an abusive relationship. Are you not allowing yourself to open up/enjoy him/rely upon him because you are afraid of getting trapped in another abusive relationship?

I think that you need to realize that all relationships require compromise, both your own and your partners. He has to compromise in that you get final say on decisions regarding your children (not a small compromise if he's really involved), and you compromise about household things. However, the only way this can work is with a good faith effort on both sides.
posted by fermezporte at 9:05 AM on April 9

I have a question on the whole "should do" thing bothering you. If your SO was to tell you what he thinks you SHOULD do, but phrased it, "hey, I think that, in this kind of situation, it would be a good idea to x because of x reason," would you still draw the line there?

Whatever your answer, the kinds of things you detailed (thank you, as well, for your comprehensive and information-rich post) seem to allude to a larger overall issue. It seems like little things like that may bother you when they truly don't need to. The fact that you understand you can be difficult to get along with and that your friends think you make a big deal out of things is another indicator.

I have a lot of personal experience with someone like you in many ways. My mother came to be/is/was very anxious, obsessive, and codependent. My father left the house (a coke addict) right before I graduated high school. Ma was always finicky with the way the house was set up, made a huge deal about the floor being vacuumed before company was over, shit a brick if dishes built up in the sink for more than half a day, etc. And I'm only using those house-related examples because.. believe me.. they come to mind very quickly. I, on the other hand, have always had a very easygoing, dreamy nature. I could seldom be bothered to fall over myself doing all these little things my mother needed done to keep her house of cards/state of calm standing.

She was so oblivious to her constant nagging and stressing of these little, inconsequential things that, on one memorable occasion when I got frustrated and told her she was "obsessive and demanding," she had a small breakdown and reprimanded me, in tears, for being insensitive and disrespectful.

I love my mother, but I also know that she is like that for a reason. Dan Savage once said, iirc, that we are all damaged goods in some way or another. My mother has been going to counseling and therapy for a very long time, and I know that she has focused her efforts on giving meaning to her own life and living for herself and her children. I am not her therapist, but I think I can safely assume that she hasn't spent a comparable amount of time learning to let the little things go, because she doesn't really see those little things as what they are. They're just an intrinsic feature of her life.

If you didn't genuinely love this person, maybe marriage might not be the right course for you now. But since you do, you really do, I would seek counseling with the primary objectives of loving your life and your partner and learning to let go of the little things. You only live once... I am sure you honestly don't want to let this stuff get between you and the people you love. I wish you the best of luck.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 9:13 AM on April 9

I've never been in any relationship for this long and not have it go haywire. I know that at least part of the responsibility for that is mine.

Yes, it is partially your responsibility that your relationship has stood the test of time. You've done a lot of right things.

Communication is the key--let the SO know of the issues and that you feel that he hasn't complied with them and you feel its disrespectful. Allow him to feel otherwise.

Ignore the crushes. They go away. I suspect that's more than the bonus question, though.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:35 AM on April 9

file this under: if you have to ask, then you're not.
posted by violetk at 12:11 PM on April 9

the time is looming
I often feel dismissed or ignored.

We all have disagreements, we all have living incompatibilities. That's not the issue. The issue is how you feel when you're with your partner, ESPECIALLY when it comes to fundamental incompatibilities. You CANNOT STOP caring about the things you care about, even if they're "silly". He will probably keep responding the same way to your concerns--he's been doing so for three years. So over and over, you'll ask him to change, his response will leave you feeling dismissed and ignored. For the rest of your relationship. It's up to you to live with that, or not.

I'm demanding, first and foremost of myself. I'm also not afraid of being single. I don't mean that in a negative way, but that I'm capable of looking after my life and the lives of the kids without a partner. This is a point of pride for me.

You wouldn't be a good mother if you relied on some random man to provide for you and your children. Frankly, I admire and respect the way you've handled the difficult times in your life.

In regards to this quality and romantic relationships, plenty of people enjoy having an independent, strong partner. Plenty of people don't. There is no way to please both types of people, so you might as well work with what you have.
posted by sondrialiac at 3:54 PM on April 9