how do I perform a marriage

April 7, 2008 11:02 AM

I've been asked to perform a marriage for two friends, and I'm looking for tips. I've looked up becoming a minister online, which seems straight forward, but I'm wondering about what I can do to make this a smooth and wonderful experience for my friends.
posted by puppy kuddles to human relations (13 comments total)

Will they be writing their own vows? Do they want mentions of God? Do they want you to read any religious texts? Poetry? Sing a song? How long do they want the ceremony to be? Will other people (moms, dads, friends, etc.) have any part in the ceremony - e.g. as readers, as unity-candle-lighters?

Sit down with them a few months before the wedding and talk to them about how they envision it. As the time gets closer and they finalize their vows, tell you who's reading what and when ("Mom's going to read [Blahblah], and then Sis will sing [NiceSong], and then we'll do the vows,"), it will help keep everyone organized if you write out a script with the order of stuff; use this at the rehearsal, too.
posted by rtha at 11:16 AM on April 7, 2008

I've performed this function a couple times. Some really quick advice: keep it short, no one wants to sit there long (too short is bad though). The sermon should be about the couple and not marriage in general, as this will separate you from 99% of "professional" sermons. Talk to the couple about whether the want god mentioned or not. Don't give advice, but talk generally about what makes a good marriage, drawing upon your own experiences if possible (and if not, ask people who are married what they would want to say). Add humor but make sure there are some very serious parts. Expect people to come up afterwards and ask rudely if you are a minister, and when you say you are not, expect them to be slightly offended (this happened to me each time). Practice a few times, you don't want to be shy up there, be commanding if you can.
posted by about_time at 11:20 AM on April 7, 2008

Make sure that you investigate the local regulations where the ceremony is being performed and file the necessary paperwork to empower you to legally marry them there - just being ordained is not sufficient and there are more hoops to jump through in some places than others.
posted by nanojath at 11:22 AM on April 7, 2008

Will 'becoming a minister online' suffice for a legal marriage in your state? You may also have to be a Justice of The Peace. In some states you can get a one day license.
posted by Gungho at 11:24 AM on April 7, 2008

I'll add one other thing - depending on the wedding, you might be expected to run the rehearsal dinner.. I completely forgot that once, and had to do it on the fly... if there is no wedding coordinator (or event coordinator from the location of the ceremony) you will want to know when everyone is walking down the aisle, who is walking them down, etc... writing things down beforehand is a lifesaver.
Also, pick up a nice looking notebook to keep the ceremony in for when you are standing up front, and tape the pages to the inside, so you are not flipping/dealing with wind.

Also - as to people asking if you are a minister.. I found that if you are sincere, that question is easily answered, with something along the lines of "No, but I've known the couple for a long time, and I was honored that they asked me to perform the ceremony as it would mean more to them on their day". Or.. just tell them "yes" and leave it at that.. as they don't need to know where/how you were ordained...
posted by niteHawk at 11:39 AM on April 7, 2008

I've done this once, but basically I just signed the papers and they did the whole thing themselves in a short, meaningful ceremony. It was really great and many people said they thought it was the best wedding ceremony they'd seen.

I love it when people have personally chosen readings - poems, bits of books, etc. This forum at indie bride has a lot of great ideas for readings.

I agree with rtha about having a meeting to figure out how things should go and what everybody feels comfortable with.
posted by mgogol at 12:26 PM on April 7, 2008

"I've looked up becoming a minister online, which seems straight forward" + "Expect people to come up afterwards and ask rudely if you are a minister, and when you say you are not..."

It seems to me that the correct answer is, "Yes, I am an ordained minister," but you should speak with your friend and answer as he would prefer. You'd technically be a minister, so it's not lying, but it also seems dishonest to say that you are.
posted by fogster at 12:31 PM on April 7, 2008

I'm doing the same thing in a few months (marrying some close friends) and just want to reiterate some of the things other posters have said.

Look into local requirements for who can marry people in your jurisdiction. Some states require documentation from the religious group you represent. I live in Florida; the easiest answer for me was to forgo the internet-ordaining and just become a notary. Don't take my assurance that rules will be the same where you live, though. Even if you live in Florida. Do the research, it's fairly easy.

Talk to the couple early and often. niteHawk's mention that you might have to run the rehearsal dinner is a good thing to consider, and illustrative of a broader factor: this process is more than just standing up and reading the ceremony. You may find that you're engaging in a certain amount of "couples counseling". You may find that in your role as wedding officiant, they feel comfortable talking to you about things that they may not as your friends, because you are friends with both of them. Or maybe they asked you to do the ceremony because they don't want to go through the rigid examining process some religious leaders would put them through. Just make sure to stay in touch with them through the whole process of putting the wedding together and make sure you're available for whatever they may need.

And give them what they want. about_time has a good point about making the ceremony about the couple and not about marriage in general. But after talking it over, my friends decided to make the ceremony a little less about them and more about what the wedding meant. When we spent time talking about their own relationship, it became difficult to tread the line between "personalized and heartfelt wedding ceremony" and "touching but really long best-man speech". Make sure that they're getting what they want. Sometimes with friends it's more difficult to be straightforward for fear of seeming demanding; if they were paying a professional, they could order him/her around all they pleased! Talk to them and listen, and you'll come up with something to feel good about.

Your friends wouldn't ask you to do this if they didn't trust that you'd do an outstanding job. It's a tremendous compliment, and I wish (a) you luck and (b) them a long and happy marriage.
posted by penduluum at 12:38 PM on April 7, 2008

I just performed a ceremony myself recently. Everyone has great advice. I would also nth doing some research as to what state laws you need to satisfy to perform a legal marriage. They can vary widely from state to state. If you are ordained by the Universal Life Church (the biggie in online ordinations) they have extensive lists of regulations state by state online or give them a call. Here in Nevada, I had to get an authorized "Letter of Good Standing" with the church that had to be filed with the County Clerk before it was legal for me to perform the ceremony. Dont wait til the last minute. Legal stuff can take a while.
posted by elendil71 at 1:57 PM on April 7, 2008

My uncle performed the service at my cousin's wedding. He sat down with each of them alone and talked with them about their relationship, then at the ceremony he chose three words or phrases and said, "You've described him as a friend, life-partner, etc." I thought it was a really nice touch to hear what the couple had to say about each other without the lengthy personalized vows.
posted by easy_being_green at 2:24 PM on April 7, 2008

i've done this a few times.

Call your county clerk (or eqivilant) to make SURE you are legal every state and some cities have their own set of laws pertaining to marrige services.

ask your freinds what they want, and listen

KEEP IT SHORT

finally, relax. i think i was more nervous than the bride my first time and what i learned: they really arent paying as much attention to you as you think. the couple will be focused on each-other and the guests will be mostly focused on the bride. as long as you get the names right you're golden
posted by swbarrett at 4:17 PM on April 7, 2008

I wrote something above, and I wanted to add that performing this role each time was an amazing experience that I won't ever forget. And many people told me I did a great job at the weddings and enjoyed the personal touch of a having friend perform the ceremony. I just wanted to mention that some traditionalists that are guests may not know what to think of a non-religious tying of the knot, and so you should be prepared for that (it wasn't expecting it) and answer proudly, "I'm a good friend of the bride/groom,..." and so on as others suggested above.
posted by about_time at 4:24 PM on April 7, 2008

I don't know if anyone is still checking this thread at all, but are there any other resources available online? I'll be performing a wedding at the end of the month myself (first one!) and I'm ordained with the ULC. The legal stuff I can handle, but it's the ceremony itself I'm most worried about. Plus: the bride and groom are very hands-off, which means I'm responsible for a lot. I'm going to sit them down and make them make some decisions, but we're in different cities, so I won't be physically seeing them until a day or two before the wedding. Sorry to piggyback, but I didn't want to put a new question in if there was still some answering to be done here.
posted by indiebass at 12:57 PM on April 29, 2008