Wedding in NYC. Can I ask a friend to let me stay with him if he's not invited?

April 7, 2008 7:19 AM

Is it inappropriate to ask a friend if I can crash at his place for a wedding if he isn't invited?

I used to go to school in New York, and two of my closest friends from the city are getting married. Normally when I go into the city I stay with that friend (no longer an option), or another friend, Bill. However, while Bill is friendly with the people getting married (through me), I would be very surprised if he was invited.

I need to book a place to stay, and the special rate in Brooklyn for the wedding is $400+/night (there's a tabletop convention in town - who knew?). Would it be OK to ask my friend to let my girlfriend and I crash with him for 3 days, or is that bad form? Note that I'll undoubtedly spend at least one night and one day with him of the 3 days I am there, if not more.

posted by evadery to human relations (16 comments total)

If he is a good friend it should be OK.
posted by caddis at 7:26 AM on April 7

I was in the *exact* same situation a few years back, except I was Bill. I had no problem with my buddy and his girlfriend crashing at my place for the weekend.

Then again, I hate weddings.
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:30 AM on April 7

I will add, though, that I was invited (and went with) to the post-rehearsal dinner party the night before the wedding, so I got to see the casual acquaintance-groom and wish him and his betrothed well and party with them for a little bit, which was nice. It would've softened the blow had my feelings been hurt.

But hey, all the fun, no ceremony. Win-win!
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:38 AM on April 7

I don't think it's a problem. Especially if you are going to hang out with Bill while you're there. Then it's like you are visiting Bill and doing the wedding all on the same trip, and it's totally fine. Also, wouldn't you let Bill stay at your house in the same situation?
posted by bluefly at 7:39 AM on April 7

As long as Bill doesn't care that he's not invited to the wedding, it should be fine. If his feelings were hurt by a non-invite it would be rude to rub it in by staying with him. But from the way your describe it, he doesn't sound like he's close enough to the couple to want to go. Still, give him the option to say no, cause it's always kind of dicey inviting yourself to stay at someone's house anyway.
posted by MsMolly at 7:47 AM on April 7

That's what friends are for.
posted by sophist at 7:53 AM on April 7 [2 favorites]

It's good to be tactful, but it's not as though it's your fault he wasn't invited.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 8:05 AM on April 7

You could make the situation a lot less potentially-awkward if you've got an extra day (or a good chunk of each of the wedding-related days) to spend with Bill. I once had a good friend ask to crash at my place so he could hang out with his buddy in my city all weekend. Apparently the buddy didn't have room for him or something. It made me feel crappy that my friend would travel to my city and use me for a place to stay, while not thinking that I was important enough to spend any time with. (Turns out the whole thing was a ruse to surprise me for my birthday, but that's not really relevant...) So: Make time for Bill.
posted by vytae at 8:14 AM on April 7 [1 favorite]

I think I've done the same... bring them a present or something though, or at least offer.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 8:20 AM on April 7

I don't see the problem, but you should be asking Bill, not us.
posted by slimepuppy at 8:26 AM on April 7 [1 favorite]

You don't know for a fact that he wasn't invited; you're assuming it's the case. I take this to mean that Bill isn't very close with the couple getting married. So why would he care? I would see a potential problem if he were pretty close with them but happened not to get invited because he was on the borderline of the invite list. But that's not the situation.

So just assume there is no problem, stay with Bill, and return the favor by picking up the check at dinner or something.
posted by jejune at 8:43 AM on April 7

I'd ask. I have had friends stay with me when they had social get togethers with other friends in the area which I wasn't a part of (they have a fantasy baseball league which I have never participated in). It was great to hang around with them while they were in town.
posted by genefinder at 9:49 AM on April 7

I've been in your situation before, and I think it seems much more awkward on this side of the fence than it does to Bill. Instead of a trip to NY for a wedding, it's now a trip to NY for a wedding and to hang out with Bill! How awesome is that? Two-birds-with-one-stone!

Bill will probably be happy just to see you guys. The more time you spend with Bill, the less chance there is of any "it's good to see evadery + gf....even if they are using me for place to stay" feelings to surface. Then again, if you guys are decent enough friends, Bill probably won't care either way.
posted by littlelebowskiurbanachiever at 9:50 AM on April 7 [2 favorites]

I've done this. I just made sure to spend some quality time with the friends at whose house I was crashing. And remember to bring a little gift or take Bill to dinner.
posted by desuetude at 9:52 AM on April 7

Speaking only for myself, but I'd be thrilled to see a friend without having to go to a wedding to do it. I'd also not hesitate to ask a friend to crash. I should add, though, that in my circle of friends it's perfectly acceptable to be upfront about the self-servingness of such a favor: "Hey, I'll be in town next weekend for a wedding. I figured I'd see what you're up to, and totally use you for your couch, if that's cool with you." The kicker is, you have to be willing to play host when Bill needs a crash pad.

But yeah, it'd be nice if you could hang out for at least a little while. Maybe beg off the reception early to chill with Bill?
posted by Rykey at 10:31 AM on April 7

a freind who wont put you up for the weekend would be a lame freind
posted by swbarrett at 4:29 PM on April 7