Mom, Dad? I don't even have a closet.

April 5, 2008 4:50 PM

How to deal when family thinks you're in the closet?

I'm a female in my early-mid 20s. I currently identify as straight, but not too straight (i.e., if I met the right woman, etc.). All of my past relationships have been with men. My sexual orientation isn't really the issue here.

My family, on the other hand, has lately been dropping hints that they think I've got something to hide. My stepmom in particular has been making offhand comments like, "oh, there are men out there...or not men, you know?" While mentioning to my dad I was going to go out to a bar with a friend, he asked me which gender it was (this never came up when I wasn't single). My dad's favorite sister has long identified as a lesbian so it's not an issue of tolerance, as far as I can tell. There are the ever-present family hangups at work here, I think, but for brevity's sake I'll leave them out.

Now, I'm not the girliest of all (traditionally defined) girls, by any means. I don't dress in a particularly feminine way, I tend to keep my emotions hidden, and I thought "Dirty Dancing" was a stupid movie. This is something I'm almost okay with (lousy cultural norms), but the sudden onslaught of if-you're-gay-you-can-tell-us comments has become exasperating and frankly, a little damaging to the ol' self-confidence.

Have you had this experience from friends or family? How did you respond? Most past questions I've seen have to do with discovering sexuality rather than loved ones' suspicions of your sexuality; again, I'm not too concerned with my identification.

Any and all anecdotes, stories from friends-of-friends, etc., appreciated.

posted by landedjentry to human relations (39 comments total)

I'm sure it feels worse than it sounds described here--here it sounds funny, maybe irritating, but I guess the self-ocnfidence part is that it seems like they are giving up on your "finding a man" or something?

I think my family might do the same thing (actually, maybe they started to when I considered applying to Wellesly) if they suspected that I were gay--misguidedly (and to the point of goofiness) trying so hard to make me feel comfortable that it bugged. Taking at face value your "some of my favorite sisters are lesbians!" disclaimer at face value, it sounds like they just really want to make you feel comfortable no matter how you identify.

Can you not just ask them what they are getting at/tell them you're not gay (of course, you may feel it's none of their business, or you may feel, as you pointed out above, "not too straight," so maybe that doesn't feel right?)?
posted by Pax at 5:04 PM on April 5, 2008

Doh. Sorry for the double 'at face value.'
posted by Pax at 5:06 PM on April 5, 2008

I worked for a gay youth group as a teenager, and although my parents were fine with it, my mother got on my nerves asking me nearly every night I came home whether I was a lesbian or not. I'm pretty sure she was just trying to be supportive, but it annoyed me badly. I would tell her every time, "No, I'm straight, Mom. But I do like working at this youth group." She pretty much never gave it up unless she knew I was dating a boy. I guess there is just no way of stopping them. Parents are just weird like that.
posted by nursegracer at 5:15 PM on April 5, 2008

I agree with Pax that there is probably more to this story, but from the way you describe it, it just seems like your parents are trying to make you feel comfortable, no matter what choice you decide to make.

This would be insulting if (as in Pax's story) you were actually totally straight, but as suggested by your "not too straight" comment, you appear to identify as strongly bi-curious at the least, so isn't it a good thing that they're letting you know that it's ok for you to feel this way, and they won't judge you either way?

Of course, if it really bothers you, the standard solution is to sit down and talk to them about it... Of course, the only problem here is that you probably need to be clear on your sexual orientation (or lack thereof) before you do this, as this is going to be one of the questions they ask, if not the focus of the whole conversation!
posted by ranglin at 5:16 PM on April 5, 2008

ranglin is probably right in describing what's happening on your parents' side, but as someone who has come to know themselves as a (n apparently) closeted straight guy, I feel your pain. I'm 40 and as I've gotten older it seems to have exhibited itself more in a general incuriousness way, not 10 years ago when my mom said "you can bring a friend if you want." It was never as overt as what you describe, though. I do think it might be a little off the rails to sit them down and tell them how straight you are, because there's always a chance they'll think you're just trying to cover up anyway. In this way, straight people can be tarred along with whomever a stereotype goes against, and I think it's just the way people are. For some reason people want to pinpoint gender and it's become apparent to me that this is hardwired.
posted by rhizome at 5:33 PM on April 5, 2008

The manner in which you've asked this sounds defensive. Maybe your parents are picking up on this vibe - especially if you're bristling when they make these kinds of comments. I'd laugh it off - in front of them - and then feel thankful you have such open parents who want to make you feel comfortable in your own identity (whatever that may be).
posted by meerkatty at 5:37 PM on April 5, 2008

If it's the same people over and over, you could basically have a little moment with one of them where you say "you know, I don't have any secrets from you guys in that department. I appreciate the support, but if I were gay or with a woman I would just tell you." And then let the family gossip tree spread the word.
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:44 PM on April 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

Heh, I can empathize, I get the same vibe from my family and I, too, would identify as "more or less straight, unless the right woman came along" ... it's a weird position to be in, because you can't really say you're "definitely NOT gay" if you think it's possible you could end up with another female, but then on the other hand it feels (to me, at least) like I'd be overblowing things if I came out and "announced" that I was bisexual or gay ... so in the meantime you just have to grin and smile whenever you get those vague, "fishing" comments that seem geared towards getting you to come out and declare an orientation ... feh.

What's worked for me has been to just leave it up to them - I know they'll accept me no matter what, so I don't feel like I "need" to come out and say anything right now when I'm really not sure myself anyway ... In the meantime, I've made a deal with myself that if they ever -do- ask me openly, then I'll -answer- openly. My answer will be something along the lines of, "Quite frankly, I'm not sure - let me get back to you once I'm in love with someone" - that way I feel prepared in case they -do- ask, and I have an answer that feels honest to me, but I'm not going out of my way to inform them because, well heck, if -I'm- not entirely sure yet then what is there, really, to tell them? Just grin and bear it and remind yourself that if they were "sure" of your orientation you'd probably be getting the awkward "so when you going to give us grandchildren?" questions - I'm not sure people of -any- orientation get a pass on the awkward relationship questions from their family, yeah? =)
posted by zeph at 5:59 PM on April 5, 2008

I'm substantively your sterotypical dyke, right? Tall, short dark hair, handsome features, good at fixing things and a flaming heterosexual. Even though my family met any number of my boyfriends through college and beyond, it always seemed they were waiting to meet my girlfriend, and this is from a very stereotypical uptight New England family. This won't stop until they meet my husband. Have fun with it while it lasts.
posted by vers at 5:59 PM on April 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm betting that this is one of those parental-insider things. Your stepmom (being a step), may be overcompensating on the compassionate side (to avoid being a wicked). She doesn't want to offend you by making heterosexist assumptions. She passes these concerns along to your father. Now they're both in on the act, worried that somehow they might use language that would make you feel that they don't support you in your sexuality.

Solution: come out to them as straight. Really. They're just trying to speak in a way that makes you feel confident and loved, and instead it's fucking with your head. Tell them that, and promise that you won't be offended if they make gender-specific assumptions about whom you're looking to hookup with. Sounds like it won't be a problem if, eventually, things should turn out different.
posted by mumkin at 6:16 PM on April 5, 2008

I had this problem for a brief span, but my friends and acquaintances were the source of it. I attribute it to spending a winter wearing ludicrous pink earmuffs that I picked up at a dollar store (a fact that I still find ridiculous - I had not even the slightest idea that they would have this effect), as well as spending quite a bit of time with one of my male friends who is bisexual. One of his (gay!) friends asked him if he had gotten a boyfriend.

It doesn't really happen to me anymore; however, since then, I have lost the earmuffs (and unfortunately the store disappeared), been through another relationship with a girl, and have been spending a lot more time with a group of people who are a lot more aware of the spectrum of sexual orientation in general. In other words, I don't have a lot of advice, except that reveling in their misunderstanding is a bad idea. It's a lot of fun (though I imagine less so given that it's your family), but they'll start to believe you.
posted by invitapriore at 6:24 PM on April 5, 2008

Oh, man. I can totally relate to this. About ten years ago, my father and I had a converstation that went something like :

Dad: Are you gay?
Me: Not really.
D: Are you sure?
Me: Uh, women are hot. But yay cock?
D: Oh.

That kind of shut him up.

Honestly, I still don't think he believes me despite having one heterosexual relationship after another for the past six years. You can't really prove them wrong on this...my advice is to just ignore it and live your life as you see fit.
posted by youcancallmeal at 6:27 PM on April 5, 2008 [9 favorites]

I too have certain family members (including my mother) that I'm sure think that I'm a lesbian, although they've never come right out and said it. More hints and what they don't say. Unfortunately, in my family it would be a tolerance issue as opposed to yours where it seems like they might just want to know and/or make sure that you know that they're supportive of you in any case.

I am in fact straight, but since I'm almost completely inexperienced with the opposite sex, many people in the family assume that I'm a lesbian. It's just too embarrassing for me to say to them, "I've never had a boyfriend because I'm ugly, not because I'm a lesbian!". And for the most part I kind of don't care what they think. I don't see being labeled a lesbian as an insult, even from people who would most likely think of it as one.

I'm not particularly girly, but I'm not "boyish" either. I have long hair, but I don't wear makeup. I don't spend my time chasing men like many of my counterparts. I'm a geek. I like and excel at things that men typically (or stereotypically) like and excel at: computers, gadgets, science, etc. I hate most romantic/chick flick type of movies. Also I'm a liberal, a feminist, and I have a lot of gay male friends (and because of this, I've been vocal at times about gay rights). All of these qualities seem to convince my family that I'm a lesbian which is kind of crazy to me since it's just who I am.

I think I've just come to the conclusion that my family has an exceptionally narrow view of what it means to be female and so they label me as lesbian because I don't fit their mold. That's ok. I think it's possible to be "queer" and straight in the sexuality department at the same time.
posted by katyggls at 6:44 PM on April 5, 2008

Of all the things to have to endure, overly supportive parents are among the best problems to have. Be thankful for all who fought and sacrificed so we could be at a point where parents are too okay with you being gay. When they bring it up, tell them it costs money to talk to you about your sexuality, and then you'll get a nice head start on a retirement fund to go along with your (over-)accommodating parents.
posted by anildash at 7:18 PM on April 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

Same thing happens to me. I'm 33 and perpetually single, and my mother has told me on several occasions that if I admitted I was gay, she'd be fine with it. I think she thinks I'm only lying about being incredibly unsuccessful in love, and that I'm gay and won't tell her.

I don't find it insulting, I just hate that she's reminding me of my forever singleness in this way, and I told her as much. I told her I appreciate the sentiment (and I do) but that she should believe me when I say if I had ANYTHING to tell after 9 years of being single I'd be telling EVERYONE EVERYWHERE.

EVERYONE. EVERYWHERE.
posted by loiseau at 7:23 PM on April 5, 2008 [8 favorites]

Another non-feminine straight girl here. I've had siblings go through identity crises and my folks were pretty cool about it. One time a brother made a beautiful scarf for a girl called Andy, and when my dad heard the name, he just kinda raised his eyebrow and said "Is there something you're not telling me?" Brother laughed and said Andy was a girl. Dad shrugged and said "Ok, but it would have been ok the other way, too."

If their comments are really bugging you, maybe ask yourself why, and if it's important to you, you can say "um, I notice you're saying that a lot lately. How come?"
posted by lysdexic at 7:24 PM on April 5, 2008

Would it be helpful to turn it around along the lines of, "Would it matter if I was gay?" or "How would it change our relationship if I was gay?" and use that as a springboard for dialog.
posted by plinth at 7:28 PM on April 5, 2008

Has this been a recent occurrence? My mom started acting this way a couple of years ago, for whatever reason (wasn't the traditional "boy" I guess) and I got a lot of "it's okay to tell me if you're gay son", but it sort of died down after a couple of months.

I can definitely understand how uncomfortable it must feel if this is not something that has ever come up before, and your step-mother and father aren't the sort of people you discuss these things with, but why not take it as a compliment rather than something that's being used to hurt your self confidence?

Hey, they think I'm gay--cool!
posted by hadjiboy at 8:04 PM on April 5, 2008

I think that, short of bringing a boyfriend home and telling them how crazy you are about him, the only way to solve this is to address the issue directly with them. ("I really appreciate all your support, and I'd feel comfortable coming out to you. Except that I'm not a lesbian. So, while you mean well, it's actually kind of creepy for me when you keep making references to me being a lesbian.")
posted by fogster at 8:14 PM on April 5, 2008

I've gotten this from friends for 20 years now. It's funny in a way, because it makes me into a woman of mystery. But it can get annoying because it reminds me that in mainstream society, a woman who has practical skills and does whatever she wants "must be a lesbian." I get the impression that to be seen as straight I would have to be tentative and apologetic and incapable of using my chainsaw. And that bugs me because it points out how far we still need to go.

So I can see how the constant little hints can get annoying. I don't bother to correct anyone's misperceptions anymore, because my romantic life is not their business. Since you keep your emotions hidden, it might be helpful to see others' confusion as just another handy layer of privacy.
posted by PatoPata at 8:24 PM on April 5, 2008 [3 favorites]

Wow, some really great, thoughtful stuff here to ruminate on. Thanks for the comments so far. It's reassuring to hear from other people who have had the same problem! (Although man, even imagining uttering the phrase "yay cock" to my dad...eek)

I guess in my particular case, the problem is not so much the overbearing "acceptance" (which, I recognize, is not so much as problem as something I'm fortunate to experience) but in general their over-analyzing and pigeonholing of an aspect of myself I never felt was worth analysis on their part. There would be similar reactions felt if, say, I yelled at them once and they dropped hints about anger management. I definitely don't see being seen as gay or bi insulting in and of itself.

I kind of feel like they have a bet going on, as sort of an empty-nester activity ("Ten bucks says she's bi." "Oh yeah? Twenty says she'll give us the first grandbabies.").

My reactions to their comments so far have been basically to ignore it and move on with the conversation, and I particularly like zeph's approach. Yeah, there's more here with the step issue and various family psychoses and so on, but it's hard getting into that without derailing completely.

But my views could be unfair. I wonder if there are any parental perspectives out there? It's interesting to see the impetuses for the are-you-gay comments, too (singledom, unconventional appearances, just not being overtly sexual, etc.).
posted by landedjentry at 8:57 PM on April 5, 2008

oh my god. i had a hilarious episode where, after a long single spell, my sister jokingly told my family at thanksgiving that i was a lesbian. (i'm straight)

my folks, being the dear, confused people they are, took her seriously, and we proceded to have a comical "honey, it's okay if you're gay." "but i'm not." "you don't need to hide from us, we love you no matter what." "i'm glad to know that, but i'm not a lesbian." (lather, rinse, repeat)

eventually the conversation lost its momentum and got sucked up into other people's drama, which was fine with me. but then i was single for a long time after that, which led to many delicate questions of whether i had any "special friends" i wanted to bring to holiday or family events.

finally, i got a boyfriend, which seems to have deep-sixed that for now. obviously, that is serendipity, not strategy. i would just take it all in good humor, be polite, correct them when the opportunity presents itself or simply ignore it otherwise, and not make a fuss of it unless they try to set you up with a woman. good luck!
posted by thinkingwoman at 9:13 PM on April 5, 2008

How about--"hey, you know, you've been dropping these hints, and I hate to disappoint, but I'm not gay."
posted by Ironmouth at 9:23 PM on April 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

I mean it can be frustrating for their to be misunderstanding, but really, this is an eminently manageable problem, because your sexuality is none of anyones business unless you make it their business. So, they ask, "are you gay yet" and you say, "Irrelevant, I don't want to know about your sex life, you don't want to know about mine, and if I move in with someone, maybe I'll introduce you, in the mean time, assume I'm doing ok," and then you change the topic.

And also--more because I think it's a worthwhile life experience for just about everyone, than because I don't believe you--try being a homo for an afternoon or evening. The worst thing that could happen is you could learn something concrete about yourself, which isn't a bad thing. Also, I think its pretty obvious that homosexual experience is fairly universally considered hot by heteros as it is exotic and different, so you might be able to get some milage out of it in the future. And if so, you tell your parents or whoever that you "tried it but it really wasn't for you." And lying is just as effective as actual practice in this regard, but again, the worst thing that could happen is you could waste an afternoon, which I think many of us do pretty regularly...
posted by tychoish at 9:35 PM on April 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

You have family who love and care about you. You are very fortunate. Just tell them the truth as you put it forth here, and move on.
posted by wv kay in ga at 10:59 PM on April 5, 2008

What I'm seeing in you family's comments is an offer of help, help you don't need or want. And, further, help that highlights the ways in which they don't actually understand your sexuality or emotional state or, hell, world-view.

It feels like the way that my dad constantly asked about what exercise I was getting when I was extremely depressed: his idea of what would help me, and the way he expressed it, were at odds with my daily experience of depression and so so so far away from what I wanted from him (acceptance and an open mind, I guess).

It's really hard for parents to see their children struggle and not do anything, not be involved or able to help. They may be picking up on some kind of emotional struggle you're going through now—recent break-up, feeling lonely, lost, etc. etc.—and imagining that it has something to do with your sexuality. Or they could be picking up on your own questioning, exploratory sexuality (which I get from the fact that you "currently identify as straight, " but which could be off-base) and trying to help out on that score.
posted by wemayfreeze at 1:21 AM on April 6, 2008

At a certain points, your folks just want you to meet someone, anyone. Their hints about meeting a man or not a man might be as simple as "Settle down and pick someone already! We want to be young grandparents!"

So, rather than trying to convince them that you are happily straight, it might be better to convince them that you are happily single, and will remain as such for the next little while you enjoy your independence.

Also, the "yay cock" conversation had me confused for a while, because I thought youcancallmeal was a dude.
posted by Deathalicious at 1:39 AM on April 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

it's really none of their fucking business, you know?
posted by matteo at 2:49 AM on April 6, 2008

My mother often acts like she wants to 'solve' my 'problems' for me, which is what it sounds like your folks might be doing. In my early twenties that included this exact behavior. I went to college far from home, and had a lot of heterosexual sex, dating, etc... but I didn't meet anyone I ever felt strongly enough about to either tell my parents about or drag halfway across the country. So my mom decided I was gay. (Encouraged by some woman who was a friend of a friend of hers who met me and told my mom she 'knew' that I was a lesbian. Bitch.)

I totally empathize with how ridiculously irritating it is. The way I dealt with it? I finally told her that if she brought it up again ever I would simply leave the room. And I did-- I just basically refused to have the stupid-ass conversation again. She was welcome to talk about it behind my back, which she probably did, but at least I didn't have to hear about it.
posted by miss tea at 4:51 AM on April 6, 2008

Your parents sound kind and supportive, and it seems almost cruel to say or imply something along the lines of "it's none of your damn business." And a serious conversation sounds difficult and might make you seem defensive. Is there any way you can make a semi-casual comment the next time this comes up?

Stepmom or dad: "Oh, there are men out there...or not men, you know."

You: You know mom/dad, I've been meaning to tell you... I really appreciate how supportive you are and how you've let me know you'll love me no matter what. But you don't have to worry about me - I'll tell you if there's something worth knowing about my life."

I think all you have to do is acknowledge that you've heard them and that you get it - you understand they'll accept you whether you're straight or not. So they don't have to keep trying so hard to tell you that.
posted by walla at 6:23 AM on April 6, 2008

I agree that would be annoying, as a parent though I do try to not make the assumption my children will be hetrosexual when they grow up. It can come across as awkward at times because it is a new dialog for me, I wasn't raised wih my parents letting me know being gay was okay because it just never occurred to them. So sometmes I stumble a bit when I accidentally assume my children's future partner's gender and then have to correct myself. It sounds like it is coming from a good place in their hearts, just awkwardly phrased.
posted by saucysault at 7:32 AM on April 6, 2008

You should just tell them what you've told us. I have way too many friends whose parents would not be supportive if they were homosexuals; count your blessings, be honest, and just tell them straight up that you're not into chicks but thanks for not being a couple of depressing paleolithic numbskulls.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 8:43 AM on April 6, 2008

I wonder if one of their friends has recently learned of a child's non-straightness - "Gee, Linda's son is gay? Oh.... You know, landedjentry hasn't talked much about dating lately. I wonder if she thinks she can't talk to us. Let's be more supportive!"

In my case, my parents clearly suspected I was a lesbian from high school on (I was a very shy, very good Catholic girl who was a bit overweight and preferred to study), but only hinted, never asked. Ironically, I actually am queer, but the circular questioning and implied disapproval buried my sexuality so deep that it took 15 years and a heterosexual marriage to drag me out of the closet.

Not, in any way, saying that landedjentry is mistaken about herself, but instead really amazed and happy that there are parents in the world who use the same type of questioning as an indication of support rather than warning.
posted by catlet at 10:10 AM on April 6, 2008

How about: "The questions and comments about my sexual preference make me feel uncomfortable." It sounds like you're saying that you don't like constantly hearing hints and innuendo... talk about those things, instead of about yourself, your appearance, your social life. You can make a general statement or wait for a single instance. "Why are you asking me that? It feels [blank] to me." Or, "Why am I getting so many messages about being gay or straight? I feel embarrassed/scrutized/like I can't be myself/like novbody believes me (or whatever).

If your family cares about you (and it sounds like they do) they won't want to continue making you feel weird. Maybe they just want you to know you don't have to hide anything... but they don't realize that their constantly implying that you ARE hiding something is bugging you. Tell 'em that. And/or tell them, "I like going out with guys. If that changes, I'll let you know. But please drop the subject -- it's getting old."
posted by wryly at 12:56 PM on April 6, 2008

Have a coming out as (mostly) straight party?
posted by jb at 3:11 PM on April 6, 2008

Maybe they just want to know whether they should be setting you up with a nice boy or a nice girl so you'll hurry up and produce grandchildren.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:29 PM on April 6, 2008

When an aunt of mine started a similar line of hinting, I grinned at her and said "Hey, you don't seriously think I'm the kind of person who'd hang around in a closet, do you?"

And then I instantly wished I hadn't been so glib, because her own daughter -- my cousin -- had, in fact, spent several years in the closet and found it excruciating to come out to her parents. I realized that my aunt wasn't being a busybody, she was actually trying to make it easy for me in case I was in a similar situation.

It's irritating, but it's pretty benign. Next time, just set them straight. (Rimshot!) I like LobsterMitten's script.
posted by tangerine at 7:58 PM on April 6, 2008

I actually came out as a lesbian in my teens, realized I still liked men in my 20s, and have now settled down with a man in my 30s (we're engaged)*. So I guess I'm bi, or whatever, but we're monogamous so it's a moot point. In any case, it was probably easier to go from "omg my daughter's a lesbian" to "thank god, she's marrying a man" than the reverse. After coming out as a lesbian, all the awkward relationship questions completely stopped, because they just didn't want to know. When I amended my revelation to say "you know what, I'm probably bi," the reaction was a collective shrug.

Your family's subtle remarks would drive me crazy, and I'd address it head on by saying that you're not sure which gender you might end up with. Tell that to the family bigmouth, and it will get passed down the line and the remarks will stop.

*sorry to all the lesbians and bisexuals who have to endure the "it's just a phase" myth because of stories like mine. I am what I am, what can I say?
posted by desjardins at 9:48 AM on April 7, 2008

My sweetie is technically bi (that's not entirely true - she actually identifies as "sovereign" as in "sovereign nation" - see her keynote from an old conference for more details - I wish I could verify this link before posting it, but am blocked, at work).

Anyhow, this doesn't stop her Mom from asking her "if she's still bi" now that she's settled on a monogamous relationship with me, an ostensibly straight guy (but if you really want to get confused, you can read an essay she and I wrote - again blocked at work - about me and my phenotype/genotype and what it means for biological sex identity and sexual identity in my unique case).
posted by kalessin at 11:32 AM on April 9, 2008