Is my green eyed monster out of control?

April 6, 2008 2:22 PM

How do you deal with jealousy towards a boyfriend's son?

My bf and I get along pretty good whenever his son is not in his house. I am finding myself resentful of his presence because his ex has the full custody of this child. The ex finds all kinds of excuses so the son will stay with us most days and ex will be free from taking care of him. He is 14 and I feel like he can stay home alone and fend for himself. Whenever he is with us, he is the one running our schedule like what tv show to watch, where to eat, what to do next. At first, I was ok with all these but later on, I am feeling he is abusing us. I talk to his son everytime he is with us but inside me, I just resent him. Of course, I cant tell my bf what I feel.

posted by anonymous to human relations (17 comments total)

Of course, I cant tell my bf what I feel.

There's your problem. If you can't communicate about this (or any other issue in your relationship), you're hosed, and should start looking for a new relationship.
posted by chrisamiller at 2:35 PM on April 6, 2008

Almost a year has passed since this question was asked. It was about a then 13 year old boy who "ran the show" at the father's home even though the mother had full custody, much to the dismay of the father's girlfriend. The answers in that thread still apply.
posted by iconomy at 2:38 PM on April 6, 2008 [14 favorites]

No, I wouldn't advise you say to your boyfriend, "I resent your son." Instead, I suggest you make a list of the specific things the kid does that bother you, and then for each thing he does that bothers you, brainstorm a list of possible solutions. Then, on a day when your boyfriend's son is not around, sit down with your boyfriend and talk about what bothers you and suggest ways of fixing it. I do agree that everything you do, eat, and watch on TV shouldn't be tailored to what the boy wants, epecially when your boyfriend seems to have full custody of him. You are a family and families have to make corporate decisions. The kid needs to learn to be considerate of that. But you also will need to accept that your home life will be shaped in part by the needs of a 14-year-old. It's all about finding that balance that makes everyone feel like a respected part of the family.
posted by orange swan at 2:40 PM on April 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Do you live together, or not? Do you see each other every day, or only on weekends? Either way, you seriously need to talk to your boyfriend. You need to carve out time together, and you need to set limits with the ex. You guys are not a drop-off service. There is no reason why the kid controls the tv - get one for the bedroom that he uses. Teenagers are not so much fun anyway, and feeling resentful is normal.

But you gotta talk to your man. If you can't be open about important things like this, you will end up resentful. When I met my husband, I had custody of my two kids; he had visitation with his three. I knew he wanted his kids back (they lived with a family member - long story), but I really didn't see it happening. Well, after we married, his daughter came to live with us, and six months later, one of his sons. It hasn't been easy. I was resentful of his daughter because I could see that she led him around by his nose, that he would cave in when she started whining. Mind you, she was 13 when we got her. To be brutally honest, if I'd known how hard it would be (his son is the worst), I probably would have passed on the relationship. But.....I would have missed out on all this. I've come to love them, most of the time, (secretly knowing my kids are better ;^) ). Plus, she's 18 now, and he's 17, and it's only a matter of time before they leave us, and it's getting better all the time. Fourteen is a hard age, and your boyfriend's son may be having difficulties of his own. Depending on the kid, he may or may not be able to be trusted home alone. I have a 14 year old, too, and I often wonder if he'd notice the house burning down while he's so engrossed with his video games. It's entirely possible that your man has guilt about not being there all the time, and gives in to his son too much. That's not good for anyone, but it's easy for that to happen. Sorry for the ramble. It's just a subject near to my heart.
posted by annieb at 2:47 PM on April 6, 2008

I would agree with iconomy said, except I appreciate that the question has evolved from "How do you deal with a bf's son?" to "How do you deal with jealousy towards a boyfriend's son?" Nice work on realizing the problem is the jealousy.

Jealousy is a sense of entitlement ("this is mine," or "I deserve this") and then bitterness when those expectations go unmet ("I should be getting to pick what TV shows we watch"). One way to counteract jealousy is to realize that nothing is truly ours in life since the universe could take away your boyfriend, the house, or the TV at any moment. Then, once you develop a sense of gratitude for having all of those blessings, you will feel so fortunate that you don't mind sharing. It might also help to develop sympathy for the son (for one thing, his mom apparently doesn't want him around -- that can't feel good), and then develop an appreciation for his good traits. As others have said, assertive communication might help, too ("can we find a way to divide up the TV hours so we each get to watch what we want some of the time?").
posted by salvia at 3:07 PM on April 6, 2008 [8 favorites]

"can we find a way to divide up the TV hours so we each get to watch what we want some of the time?"

As long as you're asking this of your bf and not of the 14-year-old. You're the adult, and you don't have to ask the child for permission to watch what you want on TV. That kind of thing just furthers the situation of him running the household. Grownups are in charge, kids aren't.
posted by mccxxiii at 3:12 PM on April 6, 2008

Poor kid must feel like he's a nuisance to everyone. His BS-detector is undoubtedly pretty well-honed, so he's certainly aware that you don't much like him being around.

To characterize a teenager deciding what TV show to watch or where to eat while visiting his own father as abuse is at best hysterical and inflammatory.
posted by desuetude at 3:16 PM on April 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

OK, this is going to sound harsh, but: Take this as a strong sign that you should end the relationship.

Your bf has no legal custody of the child but is expected to look after him at the whim of his ex (who, as you note, has full legal custody of him)? Quagmire. There will be no compromise to be had here, IMO, because your bf's ex totally has him under her thumb. Do you think that's the only way she's still passive-aggressively controlling him?

Your bf may be thinking he's simply acting in the best interest of his son, but he's acting in the best interest of his ex. That, by my count, makes you #3 in this man's list of life priorities.

To characterize a teenager deciding what TV show to watch or where to eat while visiting his own father as abuse is at best hysterical and inflammatory.

You're misunderstanding the OP's use of the word "abuse". You can abuse things about people (patience, kindness, etc.).
posted by mkultra at 3:40 PM on April 6, 2008

The kid is 14, your boyfriend is a full time parent, regardless of the custody agreement, until he is 18. The kid comes first until then, and to a large extent still after he's18. I realize this isn't your kid and it doesn't seem fair that your life has to be upended to accommodate him. However, here's the thing, you are in this situation by choice, you can leave whenever you want, and probably should. Your boyfriend can't and his son really can't. He can't get a new mom or dad, a dad that wouldn't have a girlfriend around his son who can barely bring herself to talk to him she resents his presence so much and characterizes staying at his father's house and watching tv as taking advantage of his father. Kids are a major life altering commitment, which requires huge personal sacrifices, I don't blame you for not wanting to make those sacrifices, but if you don't want to make those sacrifices and make them happily, you need to get out. Only once you really decide to make the sacrifice to support your boyfriend as a father will you be able to curb your jealousy.
posted by whoaali at 4:40 PM on April 6, 2008 [6 favorites]

Something for you to ponder as you try to work this stuff out in your head, because it can easily get muddled together... Who are you upset with, and why?

The kid's mother? From your description, it sounds like she's the one doing the 'abusing': "The ex finds all kinds of excuses so the son will stay with us most days and ex will be free from taking care of him." His being old enough to stay home along wouldn't factor in much if it's his mother that wants to have the house to herself.

The kid? His behaviour when he's with the two of you can be addressed, but you shouldn't hold his mother's behaviour against him.
posted by CKmtl at 5:11 PM on April 6, 2008

Whenever he is with us, he is the one running our schedule like what tv show to watch, where to eat, what to do next. At first, I was ok with all these but later on, I am feeling he is abusing us.

I think you should bring up these concerns to your boyfriend. Phrase it this way: "It's really great how respectful you are of your son's wishes. Sometimes, though, I wish that we could do the things that we want to do, and that your son wouldn't get to choose. Sometimes we don't want to do what he wants, and it will be good for him --- he will learn that he doesn't always get to have his way."

It sounds like your boyfriend is a little spineless. What household, with self-respecting adults, lets kids call the shots all the time? Yes, kids' wishes matter, but not nearly as much as the wishes of the adults who are running and paying for things.
posted by jayder at 5:59 PM on April 6, 2008

I think the reason there aren't more responses is that it's very difficult to not be snarky when answering a question like this one.

As the previous poster said---your BF is a full time parent, regardless of the custody arrangement. I would very seriously bet that he's (at least internally) elated that he gets to spend more time with his son than the custody agreement outlines. Would that a person recognized his custody time as a "nuisance", it would tell me he was more of a sperm donor and less of a "dad."

The kids always going to be in the picture, very likely longer than you are. If you put him in the position of choosing you or the kid, then very rightly you will find yourself solo and bitter.

While you are the adult and there's nothing wrong with saying something is a rule, there's also nothing wrong with letting him choose what to watch sometimes.

Really, the concept of an adult being jealous of a child sort of baffles me, and I think that realistically the change that needs to happen is inside your own heart before you can hope to resolve your conflict with the BF and his son. I mean that with the best of intentions---but if your feelings are actual "jealousy" and not just "perturbation", then there's a lot more here than meets the eye.

Furthermore, should you chose to alienate him, or position yourself between him and his father, or to make out-loud comments about his mother, he will never respect you and worse, you'll hurt his relationship with his dad.
posted by TomMelee at 6:06 PM on April 6, 2008

This situation is very unhealthy for a growing boy. You are an adult woman and like the poster above said you have the choice to leave. You have not changed much since the last question and unless you can manufacture a large amount of empathy in a short time I suggest the following.

Get out of this toxic situation before you hurt yourself and this family anymore. You will never win in this situation. Cut your losses and leave.

The boy has no choice but to stay and I know from experience he probably wishes he could get the hell out of that house. No one likes being unwanted. First, his mother ditches him then you make him feel unwelcome with the only real parent he has left. Put yourself in the kids shoes for once, pack your bags, and get out of that house.
posted by janedoe at 7:58 PM on April 6, 2008

TomMelee makes some good points. From my experience watching my divorced mother date, one thing that can be hard to grasp is that, in many or most cases, the parent will always love the child more than they love anyone they're in a relationship with. In the case of someone like my mom, leagues more. She had one or two very serious relationships when I was growing up, and at least one of them ended because the guy just couldn't wrap his head around the fact that her kids would always, always come first. Jealously is a pretty petty emotion up against the potential power of the bond between a parent and child.

You don't give a ton of detail, but from what I can tell, your boyfriend's son doesn't really sound like a monster. He sounds kind of fourteen, which is inherently a selfish time, but it didn't seem like he was maliciously manipulating the situation. Of course, there may be tons of blatant manipulation going on that you didn't detail. Or they may just be some rather more standard "kid of divorced parents getting away with whatever he can get away with at the noncustodial parent's house" stuff happening.

Regardless, it doesn't really sound like you're in a place emotionally to be a good fit for this guy and his son right now. His son is going to be a part of his life forever. If you can look at the situation rationally and see ways that his relationship with his son isn't healthy, then it's probably worthwhile to talk to him, as honestly as possible (when the son isn't around) and try to set some boundaries that can be healthy for everyone involved. But remember, even if you're totally "right," it doesn't mean he'll necessarily agree or side with you. If it's really just jealously that you'll probably never come first in his heart or attention, for the good of everyone involved, think about moving on.
posted by mostlymartha at 8:02 PM on April 6, 2008

I'd be careful if I were you on this subject. Let me put it this way; were it my boyfriend telling me he's jealous or resentful of the time I spend with my child, then out the door the boyfriend goes. My kids are only kids ONCE and there is no way I'm giving that up for anyone.

That said, you could bring up that YOU feel neglected, but I'd leave the boy out of it. After all it's really your feelings here that are the problem, the boy is a red herring. If your boyfriend is responsive to your needs, then you can discuss it further.

The idea here is that if you give him a choice of 'the son or me' kind of thing, you will likely lose him. If you share your feelings of wishing to have more time together and wanting some alone time, he'd likely be more open to that. Just don't point the finger at the boy, whatever you do. It'll likely be a fatal mistake.
posted by magnoliasouth at 9:45 PM on April 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

Sorry, but I had to come back and post this...

@ janedoe: What I would recommend for you is to see a counselor. No, really. Clearly you have some family and relationship issues that need working out. I really feel for you and hope you can find some help.

@ the OP: Whatever you decide to do, please understand that the relationship your boyfriend has with his son is a healthy one. The ex is probably not as manipulative as you assume. Encouraging our kids to have a good relationship with their other parent is what divorce is all about in today's world. My ex (or rather hopefully soon to be) lives in another state and I would love it, for them, if he were around the corner. They miss him very much and divorce is very hard on children... especially teens.
posted by magnoliasouth at 9:53 PM on April 6, 2008

Another thing to note: "the kid always comes first" does not mean that you always let the kid decide what to eat, watch, do, etc.

Yes, obviously on a macro level the child has to be the parent's first priority. But that does not mean that the child's desires always come first. A big part of parenting is knowing when and how to set limits and enforce them.

It most certainly is possible for your b.f. to lovingly parent his child while still allotting the appropriate amount of attention and "power" to you to keep your relationship alive and healthy.
posted by mccxxiii at 4:31 AM on April 7, 2008