Great first date- where's the second?

April 5, 2008 8:08 AM

What is the "normal" waiting time before asking for a second date?

I can't believe I'm asking this question, but somehow I found myself in a "traditional" dating situation, something I'd never actually gone through in all my days of high school, university and beyond.

Went out on first date. Was great. Good chemistry, laughs, all that. Texted her that night to make sure she got home fine. She texted me back to say what a great night she'd had, and that she was looking forward to next one.

I texted her the very next day giving her options for the weekend (Sat. eve, or Sunday day). My question: was this too soon? I ask because, well, she never got back to me. Could asking for a second date so soon after the first actually be a deal-breaker?

The tone of the text was very casual, and the message short. It's been 3 days now. Is it a lost cause? Should I call? Is it rude of her to simply disappear like that with no explanation, or is it standard practice and I'm just being naive about it?

FWIW, I'm 35 and she's 23 (but this is a red herring because it was never an issue, and I'm quite a young 35 and she a very mature 23).

posted by anonymous to human relations (26 comments total)

was it for this weekend? then it's probably a lost cause. if next weekend, then you asked her to commit far too in advance, and you may yet hear from her.

although my experience with 23 year old women, having been one myself, is that if they're interested, they'll get back to you right away.
posted by thinkingwoman at 8:14 AM on April 5, 2008

I'm a guy. FWIW, I've received text messages before, enjoyed the message and wanted to get back to the person, and then something came up and I completely forgot that I got the text. Especially if she's a serial texter, it might just get lost in the flood of daily texts.

BTW, texts are kinda weak in the "trying to get personal" department. Call her and actually talk. No text will give you the same message as a phone call or a face-to-face. You want to know if she's into you. Find out.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 8:21 AM on April 5, 2008

I was in your situation years ago. She's either reluctant or is flaky. At the same time, you're toast if you do anything that smells of being eager at this early stage.

If you really are interested in her, I strongly suggest cooling down for about 5 days or so and then make a casual and very, very short suggestion to go have coffee somewhere -- something easy and noncommittal, and you can take things from there. But I really suggest looking elsewhere in the meantime to keep you busy and open up your options... that in turn will give you some confidence and you may even find someone more dependable and interested.
posted by crapmatic at 8:26 AM on April 5, 2008 [2 favorites]

It would have been better to wait a day or two. Regardless of whether or not you think the message was casual or not, the timing is very important. Not to mention the fact that giving someone "options" for the weekend, doesn't sound casual at all, and only adds to the pushy aspect of not giving a couple of days waiting period.

It is both rude of her, and standard practice to to not text you back. I can't tell whether it is a lost cause or not, not having been there, but I definitely think it is worth calling her at least one more time, probably monday night.

I tend to overthink these things, but if you call her this weekend it will make it seem like had a lot invested in going out with her again and didn't bother to make other plans despite the fact that she has snubbed you, at least a little. Nobody really wants that kind of pressure when they first start dating someone, and no one wants to date a guy who they see as "waiting by the phone". Also for next time, the time of day that you call is something to consider too. If you texted her in the morning or afternoon about the next date, that sends a far different message than if you did it in the evening.

In any case, good luck. Hopefully you are just overthinking the whole situation and she has just been busy, but I guess that's what metafilter is for.
posted by paradoxflow at 8:26 AM on April 5, 2008

Nod to SeizeTheDay for making some good points, too.
posted by crapmatic at 8:26 AM on April 5, 2008

Yeah, call her. Texts are ok for making sure she got home alright not not for telling her how much fun you had and how you can't wait until you guys can get together again. I assume you didn't phrase it in the txt as you did here, e.g. "Let me give you the options for next weekend. I can get together Saturday evening or Sunday day."

That could be a little off-putting.

I don't think there are any real "rules", as a 23 y/o woman I exchanged delighted texts with a first date after a really good date, but we called each other when we actually wanted to do something. I think the next day is fine, as long as you're warm but don't gush too much, e.g. "I really had a great time last night. Hey, I saw that [fill in event you both like] is playing at the ______ Friday- would you like to go?

She might be off-put by you texting her rather than going to the bother of calling her.
posted by arnicae at 8:27 AM on April 5, 2008

And btw- call her. She didn't respond to that text, don't send her another text, just give her a casual phone call. Don't bring up the text, just say, "Hi, I really had a great time Wednesday (or whenever). Any chance you're free for ______ tonight?" and go from there.

Also, I know you said age was a red herring, but it was a first date. She might have said it wasn't an issue, or maybe just seemed like a very mature young woman, but having been the youngster in that relationship (25/36), no matter how mature I was it was a bit of an issue for me personally. And my 36 y/o boyfriend who was also a very young 36 turned out to be waaayy too immature for me, so don't ignore that possibly being an issue.
posted by arnicae at 8:31 AM on April 5, 2008

Either she totally spaced and didn't text you back or she wasn't interested in a second date in the first place. I don't think you asked too soon necessarily, but then again I plan my life about a month in advance. What I'm getting at is whatever did happen I don't think it had anything to do with when you asked her for a second date.
posted by whoaali at 9:10 AM on April 5, 2008

Seconding seizetheday, texting is quite weak in this context. Call her on Tuesday, Monday is too close to the weekend that you were trying to make plans for, so you don't want to be looking back.
posted by rhizome at 10:22 AM on April 5, 2008

BTW, you mention she's 23. Just lately I've noticed some young ladies in this age range going text-crazy, making it their primary and preferred means of communication. I agree with the other commenters that asking a girl out in this way is generally deprecated over the more traditional live phone call, but she may not see it that way. Times are a-changin'.
posted by Brian James at 10:59 AM on April 5, 2008

Call and talk. If she's important enough to date she's important enough to talk to (or are you gonna text each other across the dinner table? I know, it's probably been known to happen ;)) Doesn't matter if she's 23 or -23. And that way you will find out the situation, for better or worse.
posted by londongeezer at 11:04 AM on April 5, 2008

Everyone has stuff going on in their lives (learned the hard way) so just chill; there is no way to guess why she hasn't gotten back to you so just let go. Nthing the suggestion to call instead of texting; texting is cute and its easy and it's fine for making sure she got home, but I recommend that you don't use it to ask her out for the 2nd date. Nthing also the waiting period. FWIW I'm female.
posted by kenzi23 at 11:26 AM on April 5, 2008

Jesus Christ. Do you think... I dunno... Leo DiCaprio frets about how many days he should wait before calling some chick? No, Leo calls when he wants to call. This is like people who agonize over what color socks to wear to an interview--that just shows how insecure they are about their resume.

You're an awesome guy who has, like, a million things going on in his life. It's no big deal. Call whenever. Leave a brief message. Chill out.
posted by mpls2 at 11:32 AM on April 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

god... call her whenever you feel like it. if she likes you she says yes. if she dosent like you she says no. that's it. what she def. WONT like is someone who is afraid to call her and has to get a consensus form the internet before making any moves.
posted by swbarrett at 12:03 PM on April 5, 2008

My question: was this too soon? I ask because, well, she never got back to me. Could asking for a second date so soon after the first actually be a deal-breaker?

You could've waited a day, but I doubt that the timing was a deal-breaker. If she really wanted to see you again she wouldn't change her mind because you asked her too quickly. And as others have pointed out, the fact that it was a text is more significant. A call would've been better. But again I wouldn't place too much emphasis on minor points like that.

It's been 3 days now. Is it a lost cause? Should I call? Is it rude of her to simply disappear like that with no explanation, or is it standard practice and I'm just being naive about it?

Based on my experience it is probably a lost cause. However you likely have nothing to lose by calling her. And I agree that her behavior is both rude and standard practice.

I'm a 23-year-old male, by the way.
posted by ludwig_van at 12:28 PM on April 5, 2008

I agree with most people above -- if she were really excited about going out with you, she wouldn't have been put off (and would likely have been charmed!) by your asking her out again so quickly. (I'm a 29-year-old woman, by the way, and if I'm into someone, I'm thrilled if they get back to me right away.)

However, if she were on the fence about going out again, it's possible that asking her out again so quickly might have put her off -- in other words, she might have thought, "I would have been up for seeing that guy again, but he seems really eager -- I think he's more into me than I am into him. Maybe I shouldn't get any further into this."

If she's not interested at all, of course, when you contact her doesn't matter.

Since you'll never know in advance which of these attitudes she has, you might as well get in touch right away -- you're hoping that she's really into you, of course, so why not behave in a way that'll please the ones who are? I hate the wait-three-days-before-you-call business.

In this case, since you've already contacted her, I agree that you should wait a day or two and then give her a casual phone call. It is rude of her to not respond to you, but it happens all the time.
posted by cider at 2:21 PM on April 5, 2008

NEVER ASK A MAN OR WOMAN OUT BY TEXT!!!!! Especially for a second date. It appears lazy and screams fear of rejection. Just my opinion, but I think it's tacky. It's the adult equivalent of passing a note.
posted by illek at 2:32 PM on April 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

Sorry, I failed to answer the question. Yes, call her. And no, if you had a great time, the next day is not too soon to ask.
posted by illek at 2:34 PM on April 5, 2008

In my opinion, the mode, interval, and time of day is less important than whether she is interested or not. She might not be interested, she might be on the fence, or she might have flaked on getting the text. Or she could be playing games.

Personally, I tend to put myself out there when I like someone, maybe make myself a little too available, rather than play it cool. That's actually how I prefer a guy I go out with to be--but only if I know I'm into him...if I'm not, nothing he does will matter. If I'm on the fence, maybe this stuff matters and calling is better, maybe a day or two later than you did.

I say give her a light call, don't mention the text or explain anything, ask her our for something casual. What do you have to lose?
posted by Pax at 4:21 PM on April 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

Personally, while I'm usually pretty with-it and organised, text dates get lost in the daily blur. I just forget to answer them, or do anything about them sometimes if something In The Real World happens, as it has a tendency to do. Phone calls, on the other hand, I remember and tend to do something about. This goes pretty equally for events I really want to be at and events I don't.

So give her a bell. I don't know that timing is all that important - but then I'm an edge case. I haven't been out of daily contact with a guy I was dating in 8+ years, before and after dating started. So if I hadn't heard from him the day after, I would have been seriously concerned for his wellbeing. Take that into account.

FWIW, female, 26, spends too much time on the internets.
posted by ysabet at 5:36 PM on April 5, 2008

How did you ask her out for the first date? In person, on the phone or what? That's probably what she expects for the next one.

Nthing everyone who says to just call.

There's no such thing as asking too soon for the next date. You've got it backwards. The sooner you ask, the better. In fact, if you dig someone during the first date, you want to book the next one at the end of the first date. Why wait? You already know you want to ask. Waiting to ask her out again makes her feel insecure and makes you seem ambivalent.

If you don't try to book the next date but instead tell her "I'll call you" then you are acting like you don't want to see her again. "When can I see you again?" is what she wants to hear, "I'll call you" is code for I don't want to see you again.
posted by conrad53 at 6:10 PM on April 5, 2008

Male, also 35. This is probably an age thing but I think texting is really lame in general. However, since she is 23 I'm sure it's not an issue in regards to your initial checking up on her. Her response leaves little doubt that she wanted to go out again. It's been my experience (too often I'm afraid) that once they're out of sight women usually don't give false hope. In person is a completely different story though. Asking her for the second date by texting is probably even considered lame by a 23-year-old.

As for the waiting with no response, don't make it something it's not. I always say hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Assume she just forgot to call you back but be ready for her to say she changed her mind.
posted by bda1972 at 7:18 PM on April 5, 2008

Ask and the other person will say yes or no. Not too hard.
posted by tarvuz at 2:56 AM on April 6, 2008

NEVER ASK A MAN OR WOMAN OUT BY TEXT!!!!! Especially for a second date. It appears lazy and screams fear of rejection. Just my opinion, but I think it's tacky. It's the adult equivalent of passing a note.

I agree. Plus, to me it feels unreliable- maybe her phone is busted, maybe she can't receive texts, maybe this, maybe that. Too much room for worry.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:18 AM on April 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

If you know you want a second date, ask at the end of the first date.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:30 PM on April 6, 2008

contact her again, but this time call. if you get her great. you'll get an answer. if you get her voicemail and you don't hear back, then she's over it. but nthing don't ask someone out via text. that's just lame, and it doesn't matter how old either party is.
posted by violetk at 11:22 PM on April 6, 2008