hate me
April 3, 2008 12:37 PM Subscribe
How does it sound to you when someone you are in a relationship tells you "Hate Me" when they are breaking up with you?
In a vacuum, it would sound to me like he or she is a coward.
posted by peachfuzz at 12:43 PM on April 3, 2008
posted by peachfuzz at 12:43 PM on April 3, 2008
I think more detail is needed in order for us to imagine what the exact situation is. In what context did they say it -
"[I would understand if you] hate me"?
"[I want you to] hate me [so you can move on more quickly]"?
"[You should] hate me [because I am an asshole]"
"[I feel like you] hate me [so you might as well just say it]"?
Need more context.
posted by Miko at 12:44 PM on April 3, 2008
"[I would understand if you] hate me"?
"[I want you to] hate me [so you can move on more quickly]"?
"[You should] hate me [because I am an asshole]"
"[I feel like you] hate me [so you might as well just say it]"?
Need more context.
posted by Miko at 12:44 PM on April 3, 2008
They want to relieve themselves of the guilt of breaking up? If you love me, I feel guilty for hurting you. If you hate me, I don't.
posted by justkevin at 12:45 PM on April 3, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by justkevin at 12:45 PM on April 3, 2008 [2 favorites]
sounds like they know that the reasons for the breakup aren't rational, but they're doing it anyway, and are willing to take the blame/heat for it.
posted by lester at 12:47 PM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by lester at 12:47 PM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite]
I should say, I took it on its own, as an imperative: "Hate me."
posted by peachfuzz at 12:47 PM on April 3, 2008
posted by peachfuzz at 12:47 PM on April 3, 2008
And also, that it's a pretty stupid thing to say, in a lot of ways.
posted by peachfuzz at 12:48 PM on April 3, 2008
posted by peachfuzz at 12:48 PM on April 3, 2008
Response by poster: it's "I have hurt your feelings. Hate me. I would understand."
posted by turkishLola at 12:50 PM on April 3, 2008
posted by turkishLola at 12:50 PM on April 3, 2008
What that says to me is that they hardly have anything invested in this relationship emotionally anymore. Love them, hate them, they don't feel enough for you anymore to have it bother them much either way.
posted by MsMolly at 12:55 PM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by MsMolly at 12:55 PM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite]
It sounds like justification to themselves.
If you hate me, your reaction is understood and I can move on.
If you hate me and I understand, then I don't really care that my actions caused you pain.
So hate me, because I don't care if you feel hate for me and I can cleanly end this relationship.
That's what I get from it.
posted by blastrid at 1:02 PM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite]
If you hate me, your reaction is understood and I can move on.
If you hate me and I understand, then I don't really care that my actions caused you pain.
So hate me, because I don't care if you feel hate for me and I can cleanly end this relationship.
That's what I get from it.
posted by blastrid at 1:02 PM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite]
this happened to me. it was in response to my less emotional, more rational interpretation of things in that relationship. due to some health issues early on, the relationship was never very emotionally intimate, despite the length of time we were together. i think i had just sort of grown callous to it, and so wasn't feeling a lot when the breakup was going on. i was just sort of trying to explain why it was not unexpected and how i understood, and all that business. i think the "hate me" was in response to my non-feeling reaction to the breakup (and/or to the relationship in general), and how she felt it wasn't normal.
also what justkevin said.
posted by ncc1701d at 1:02 PM on April 3, 2008
also what justkevin said.
posted by ncc1701d at 1:02 PM on April 3, 2008
I've also had this happen and I think it can mean a few things depending on the situation. In my situation the girl had moved on and I was still in love. I think part of her saying it was that she wanted to move on and it would be easier for her if I hated her instead of still being in love. It was also some of what other people mentioned, "you should hate me for what I've done to you". Don't fall for the trap though, anger is an understandable response, but the better way to feel is that something is happening to you that will force change. How you deal with the change in a positive way is most important.
Support them and let them know it, be positive and realize that people cannot always control how they feel. This support and positivity will at least generate a warmer feeling with the person and can often lead to a friendship. Being angry and prolonging the arguments/drama is going to be the worst outcome.
posted by huxley at 1:08 PM on April 3, 2008
Support them and let them know it, be positive and realize that people cannot always control how they feel. This support and positivity will at least generate a warmer feeling with the person and can often lead to a friendship. Being angry and prolonging the arguments/drama is going to be the worst outcome.
posted by huxley at 1:08 PM on April 3, 2008
Yet more context might be helpful, but I'll take a stab:
It's way easier to say "hate me, I've hurt you and I suck" than to say "I've hurt you and I'm sorry; how can I fix it?" and to follow up on it. He's taking the dramatic and irresponsible way out. Or - maybe - he's baiting you, hoping you'll say "I don't hate you" or even "I love you," in an attempt to make him feel better about this.
Anyway, my advice would be not to hate him, even if he puts your heart through a meat grinder. Hating people is the biggest waste of mental energy; I've wasted months doing it. Make this break as clean as you can and try to move on.
Wishing you all the best.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:10 PM on April 3, 2008
It's way easier to say "hate me, I've hurt you and I suck" than to say "I've hurt you and I'm sorry; how can I fix it?" and to follow up on it. He's taking the dramatic and irresponsible way out. Or - maybe - he's baiting you, hoping you'll say "I don't hate you" or even "I love you," in an attempt to make him feel better about this.
Anyway, my advice would be not to hate him, even if he puts your heart through a meat grinder. Hating people is the biggest waste of mental energy; I've wasted months doing it. Make this break as clean as you can and try to move on.
Wishing you all the best.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:10 PM on April 3, 2008
Or - maybe - he's baiting you, hoping you'll say "I don't hate you" or even "I love you," in an attempt to make him feel better about this.
Exactly, it's a manipulative thing. Especially if you (turkishLola) were the one to initiate the break-up. He is sort of pulling the negotiation strategy of overasking -- ie. if you are willing to pay $2200 for a car, you tell the seller there is no way you can pay over $2000, so it seems like you are compromising when you agree to pay $2200. By telling you to hate him he is assuming you will say (if even to yourself), "well, I don't hate you" which is a "win" for him.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:44 PM on April 3, 2008
Exactly, it's a manipulative thing. Especially if you (turkishLola) were the one to initiate the break-up. He is sort of pulling the negotiation strategy of overasking -- ie. if you are willing to pay $2200 for a car, you tell the seller there is no way you can pay over $2000, so it seems like you are compromising when you agree to pay $2200. By telling you to hate him he is assuming you will say (if even to yourself), "well, I don't hate you" which is a "win" for him.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:44 PM on April 3, 2008
I have hurt your feelings. Hate me. I would understand.
Wow.
When my little brother was eight or so, he would get in trouble and get yelled at. At which point he's start crying and say, "I know I'm bad! I know I'm bad! I'm terrible! I'm horrible!" Then he'd go to his room, gather up his allowance, and thrust the money at our Dad's face, saying, "Please take my money! Take all my money! I don't deserve it!"
It was extremely irritating. I prayed he would grow up and stop trying for an Oscar. I longed for the day he would be brave enough to simply apologize and leave it at that.
(He's now a mature, well-balanced adult, I'm happy to say. Sorry for outing your bad behavior, bro. I'm sure I was just as immature. I just didn't have an older sibling to remember it.)
You remind me of him. Maybe it's not your intent, but that's how it comes across. If you've already apologized, then you've done your work. One "I'm sorry" conveys contriteness. Two or more start to sound like you're trying to make yourself look pitiful to get attention.
And don't ever tell someone else how to feel. Someone will hate you if that's how they feel. Not because you tell them to. Telling someone to hate you is pointless and condescending.
I'm sorry to be so harsh. I'm sure you're in pain right now. I'm just trying to give you an honest answer. You apologized. Now the ball is in the other person's court. Let him/her decide where to throw it without prompting. Prompting will make things worse, not better.
posted by grumblebee at 1:53 PM on April 3, 2008 [2 favorites]
Wow.
When my little brother was eight or so, he would get in trouble and get yelled at. At which point he's start crying and say, "I know I'm bad! I know I'm bad! I'm terrible! I'm horrible!" Then he'd go to his room, gather up his allowance, and thrust the money at our Dad's face, saying, "Please take my money! Take all my money! I don't deserve it!"
It was extremely irritating. I prayed he would grow up and stop trying for an Oscar. I longed for the day he would be brave enough to simply apologize and leave it at that.
(He's now a mature, well-balanced adult, I'm happy to say. Sorry for outing your bad behavior, bro. I'm sure I was just as immature. I just didn't have an older sibling to remember it.)
You remind me of him. Maybe it's not your intent, but that's how it comes across. If you've already apologized, then you've done your work. One "I'm sorry" conveys contriteness. Two or more start to sound like you're trying to make yourself look pitiful to get attention.
And don't ever tell someone else how to feel. Someone will hate you if that's how they feel. Not because you tell them to. Telling someone to hate you is pointless and condescending.
I'm sorry to be so harsh. I'm sure you're in pain right now. I'm just trying to give you an honest answer. You apologized. Now the ball is in the other person's court. Let him/her decide where to throw it without prompting. Prompting will make things worse, not better.
posted by grumblebee at 1:53 PM on April 3, 2008 [2 favorites]
How does it sound to you when someone you are in a relationship tells you "Hate Me" when they are breaking up with you?
It sounds like they are a psycho.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:16 PM on April 3, 2008
It sounds like they are a psycho.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:16 PM on April 3, 2008
It sounds like people are being a bit harsh. If you are breaking up with someone and it obviously hurts you can't say "I'm sorry, what can I do to make this not hurt." You are breaking up with them. You can't be there to support the person you are breaking up with.
What it means to me is the he sees you hurting, he still cares about you (you can care about someone you don't want to be in a relationship with), he knows he's the cause of that hurt and he knows he is still going to go ahead and hurt you. That's a shitty situation to be in. (Not as shitty as being on the other side, but still shitty.) Saying something along the lines of "hate me if you need to" is really a way of saying "I'm sorry, but I'm still going to do this, so I can't really say I'm sorry because if I was really sorry I wouldn't be doing this."
It's really easy to overanalyze everything someone says when they break up with you. It's also counter-productive. Breakups are awkward for everyone involved, and most people don't really do a good job of saying what they want to say. Hell, even good authors have a hard time writing endings, what makes you think an amature who is dealing with real life and real emotions is going to do any better.
posted by aspo at 2:21 PM on April 3, 2008 [2 favorites]
What it means to me is the he sees you hurting, he still cares about you (you can care about someone you don't want to be in a relationship with), he knows he's the cause of that hurt and he knows he is still going to go ahead and hurt you. That's a shitty situation to be in. (Not as shitty as being on the other side, but still shitty.) Saying something along the lines of "hate me if you need to" is really a way of saying "I'm sorry, but I'm still going to do this, so I can't really say I'm sorry because if I was really sorry I wouldn't be doing this."
It's really easy to overanalyze everything someone says when they break up with you. It's also counter-productive. Breakups are awkward for everyone involved, and most people don't really do a good job of saying what they want to say. Hell, even good authors have a hard time writing endings, what makes you think an amature who is dealing with real life and real emotions is going to do any better.
posted by aspo at 2:21 PM on April 3, 2008 [2 favorites]
You mean like the song Hate Me by Blue October?
Pretty condescending IMO. It's not enough to do the damage, now you (generic) get to tell the hurt person how to feel about it?
There was a period in my life when I relied pretty heavily on something George Washington Carver said: I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him.
posted by headnsouth at 4:03 PM on April 3, 2008 [2 favorites]
Pretty condescending IMO. It's not enough to do the damage, now you (generic) get to tell the hurt person how to feel about it?
There was a period in my life when I relied pretty heavily on something George Washington Carver said: I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him.
posted by headnsouth at 4:03 PM on April 3, 2008 [2 favorites]
It isn't always a bad thing.
When I got this, it was "hate me, if that'll help". Really I think he (the dumper) wanted me (the dumpee) to get over the breakup and get back to being happy.
That's awfully optimistic, I realize, but I think this phrase can be meant in a positive way. It wasn't a matter of giving me permission to feel something, nor even really of thinking he'd done something so bad as to deserve my hate- rather it was a "I can't make you hurt less. Maybe hating me would make you hurt less?"
Of course as others above have pointed it out, it could be said in a much more vicious way, or in a condescending way, etc. But that isn't always the intent (nor the reception).
(Note for the curious: I tried the hating thing. Turns out I wasn't very good at it. Oh well.)
posted by nat at 8:30 PM on April 3, 2008
When I got this, it was "hate me, if that'll help". Really I think he (the dumper) wanted me (the dumpee) to get over the breakup and get back to being happy.
That's awfully optimistic, I realize, but I think this phrase can be meant in a positive way. It wasn't a matter of giving me permission to feel something, nor even really of thinking he'd done something so bad as to deserve my hate- rather it was a "I can't make you hurt less. Maybe hating me would make you hurt less?"
Of course as others above have pointed it out, it could be said in a much more vicious way, or in a condescending way, etc. But that isn't always the intent (nor the reception).
(Note for the curious: I tried the hating thing. Turns out I wasn't very good at it. Oh well.)
posted by nat at 8:30 PM on April 3, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by delmoi at 12:43 PM on April 3, 2008